


Keep Your Enemies Close

by L1av



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Steve Rogers, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Bucky, Brainwashing, Bucky doesn't know he's Bucky, Bucky still works for HYDRA, Espionage, Explicit Sexual Content, Happy Ending, Hydra (Marvel), Identity Issues, M/M, Non-Canonical Character Death, Porn With Plot, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Red Room, Steve Rogers Angst, Steve Rogers Feels, Top Steve Rogers, Violence, compliant Bucky, lying Bucky, mentions of torture, non-main character death, nsfw gifs in ch 9 notes, the amount of angst is kind of disgusting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:54:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 107,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3738085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L1av/pseuds/L1av
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pierce was an intelligent man. If the Asset was going to start remembering Rogers, it was best to give him an assignment other than the simple, point and shoot. The Asset's Mission: Pretend he was James "Bucky" Barnes, best friend to Steve Rogers. He was to evaluate Rogers and see if Rogers could be used by HYDRA...or be put down if the Asset thought otherwise. </p><p>The Asset now has to pretend to be Bucky Barnes, unknowing that he is in fact the man that Steve has been searching for all along. Pierce instructed the Asset to gain trust, observe, and report. How far is the Asset supposed to go to avoid his cover being blown? He guesses he's just going to have to find out...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're My Mission

**Author's Note:**

> So this little idea came to me while watching the movie and I couldn't shake it, so I'm rolling with it. I'd love to hear what you think! (This is my second fic posted here, so if something is wrong, please let me know!) Please note this was half edited. I had to go to class before I could finish editing all of it, so there may be some small mistakes. 
> 
> This starts during TWS and then hops to after.

The Soldier sat there, feeling his muscles tense and pull and jerk as he thought back to the man on the bridge. _‘I knew him. I knew him. I knew him.’_ He rocked back and forth in sharp, jerky, short motions, feeling his toes curl. The scientists around him hovered like bees, but they were too afraid he’d swat. He had just shoved one of them against the wall… He was so far in his head, thinking desperately about the man he’d seen. The blonde hair, the jaw line; it was all so familiar. _‘I knew him. I knew him.’_

Pierce came in, analyzing the situation briefly before sitting in front of the Asset. He showed no fear in his eyes despite the pleadings of the others. The Asset’s gaze briefly scanned the armed men that had their guns pointed directly at him. As if they could take him down… He was almost insulted.

Pierce looked at him with determined, confident eyes. “Mission report,” he demanded.

The Asset didn’t answer. _‘I knew him. I knew him. I knew him.’_

“Mission report. Now,” Pierce pointedly demanded.

_‘I knew him. I knew him. I knew him. I knew him.’_

Pierce stood in front of him, but the Soldier couldn’t see his face. He was lost in thoughts of murky dreams and…memories? Were these memories?

A sharp slap stung the side of his face. He blinked, seeming to come more into the present; his eyes sharpening to what was going on before him.

“The man on the bridge,” he said with a low, raspy voice. “…Who was he?”

Pierce looked like he didn’t want to answer the question. “You met him earlier this week on another assignment,” he stated; hands resting on his knees as he leaned forward.

Just this week? He looked more familiar than that, like the kind of person you grew up with and stayed friends with forever. He had that kind of face. The Asset could feel it. It radiated in his bones like a hollow hum.

“I knew him,” he finally stated out loud. 

It was then that Pierce took a seat in front of him. “Your work has been a _gift_ to mankind,” Pierce said.

The Soldier leaned his head forward, feeling his back muscles twitch as he desperately tried to picture the blonde man once more. He had nice eyes.

“You shaped the century,” Pierce continued. “And I need you to do it- one more time.”

The Asset didn’t entirely believe that. One more time? There was always one more time. He was sure he’d heard that line before. It was a cruel fate, getting your memories wiped every now and then. He didn’t know how many missions he’d had, but he knew he had a lot. He didn’t know how old he was, but he knew he wasn’t from this time. He knew each time when they’d clear his head. That memory was imprinted on his very brain. Each time…he knew he’d lost more of himself.

“Society’s at a tipping point between order and chaos,” Pierce said, continuing his speech. The Asset wasn’t really listening though. He was still thinking about that man on the bridge. “Tomorrow morning we’re going to give it a push.” He paused. “But- if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine.”

He finally nodded, listening to Pierce’s words.

“And HYDRA can’t give the world the freedom, it deserves.”

He started to falter back, thinking of those blue eyes. He had known those eyes once; intimately, back and forth. He could have probably could told you the amount of dark blue specks that dotted around the pupils. “But I knew him…” He knew this was it. Too much memory recovery and it was always back to square one; memory wipe. He knew they couldn’t let him remember. He was against this man, this man that he’d known so well in a time he couldn’t remember, in a place he couldn’t see. He pursed his lips, knowing what was going to come next.

Pierce sighed. His face relaxed into thought as he stood up. “Prep him.”

The Asset raised his brow. He knew it.

 A scientist hesitantly said, “H-he’s been out of cryo freeze too long.”

“Then wipe him, and start over,” Pierce ordered, his eyes void of any sympathy.

The Asset could feel his face contorting into anguish. He didn’t want this. He wanted to remember. If he was just allowed to remember! He could maybe make the man on the bridge see differently. Come to HYDRA. If he could just be allowed to remember! It was so close. It was on the tip of his tongue and if he could just have a little more time…he’d know that man again. He knew he would!

The scientist began preparing the machine he sat in front for the wipe. He wanted to stand up. He wanted to crush their throats and lunge at Pierce. He wanted to bite into his throat and watch the blood gush out like a hot, thick water fountain. But he didn’t. He felt his muscles begin to finally relax as his mind reminded him of his place. He wasn’t a person. He wasn’t human. He was a weapon, and he was theirs to command. So he let them push him back. He didn’t resist. He took the mouth guard, though his eyes were anything but obedient, and breathed in deep as he waited for whatever came next. He never remembered what came next. He only remembered what HYDRA programmed him to remember; who they were, what they stood for, what he was to them, and all the training he’d undergone throughout the long years. That always stayed, but the memories, the eyes he caught, the faces he saw, the things he once was…those were all gone. He yelped as he heard the machine come to life, detesting how afraid he felt. He watched as the metal closed in on his face and then… black.

* * *

 

“What now, sir?” Rumlow asked. Pierce turned toward him, looking back over his shoulder just briefly as he listened to Barnes’ screaming.

“Captain Rogers is an enemy of HYDRA,” he began. “It’s best we do something about it.”

“We tried,” Rumlow said, following behind Pierce as they walked through the bank’s basement. “The man’s a machine.”

“He’s not a machine,” Pierce said, turning to face Rumlow in the elevator. “He’s a weapon. Just like Barnes.”

Rumlow furrowed his brow. “So you’re saying…”

“The Asset has always been our best assassin. It’s time we see him in espionage. You’ll be briefed in the morning.”

“You’re gunna let him remember Cap?” Rumlow asked, flabbergasted.

“No. I’m going to tell him he knew him.”

Pierce walked out of the elevator, a fox’s smile on his face. He was sure Rumlow was standing there, dumbfounded and slack jawed. Hell, if someone was telling Pierce all this, he’d probably get confused too. Captain America was a force, a national treasure. If he could get him into Red Room, HYDRA could control the world.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer, they say.

* * *

 

His head was throbbing. He tried to open his eyes but the light seared into his retinas, surging a painful shockwave through his body. Where was he? Who was he? He started to breathe heavily, whimpering as he saw the steel restraints on his arms. His metal arm? Was that normal? He started to shout.

“He’s awake!” a man with a bow tie said, rushing over to the man’s side. “The Asset’s awake!”

“Call Pierce,” another ordered, going to a computer nearby “The Asset’s” head. Why was he an Asset? Was that his name?

One of the men placed a hand on his shoulder, “Calm down, you’re safe. You’ll start to r-remember in a second. Just breathe.” The man looked over his shoulder at some readings on another computer screen.

Oh…there it was… The Asset started to calm down, feeling the trickle of his programmed memories return. Ghost story. Assassin. HYDRA’s best kept secret. His left hook is meaner than his right, but his left leg is shit compared to his right… HYDRA. Okay… yes he knew this. This was familiar. He snapped his eyes open, trying desperately to remember why they’d wiped him again. He’d started to remember something outside of the programming. _‘No, no, no, what was it, what was it, what was it?!’_

He couldn’t remember, it was just a thick, murky black pit in the back of his head and each time he tried to access it, a surge of pain radiated from his brain stem down into his toes. He hissed at the feeling.

“You need to let your mind relax and let the programming take its course,” the man said again, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. Were they friends? Did they know each other? The Asset sure couldn’t remember.

Pierce. Yes! Pierce was the dreamer. All his ambitions began to pour into the Asset like a steady stream. HYDRA was going to give the world a new existence. They were going to take all the bad and make it good. He felt that was the right thing. It was right? Right?

Sighing, he let his muscles go lax, waiting for the computer to finish replenishing his memories with what HYDRA thought necessary. He knew they were hiding things from him, lying to him, but it wasn’t his place to question it. HYDRA was doing great things. He was doing great things.

“Program’s at 95%,” the man at the monitor stated. “Almost there.”

He knew why they kept him like this. He was a machine, a weapon programmed to do what they couldn’t. They needed him. In turn they’d elongated his life, strengthened his muscles and gave him far greater purpose. HYDRA was good. They’d given him _true_ purpose. He didn’t know if he had a purpose before HYDRA, but he didn’t care. HYDRA was his purpose. Nothing else mattered but the assignment, HYDRA and Pierce.

“Process complete,” the man at the monitor said again.

The man with the bow tie gave the Asset another, brief squeeze to the shoulder, offering a weary smile. “Feeling better?” he asked. His voice was soft and a bit high for man’s. Or at least that’s what the Asset thought. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was right or not.

The Asset nodded.

They released his restraints and he sat up, stretching out his flesh arm and back muscles. He shrugged his shoulders, feeling much more relaxed than he had before. “Whose briefing me?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Pierce should be here soon. He wanted to deliver this mission personally,” the man with the bow tie said.

The Asset nodded, bending over to touch his toes. It felt good to stretch out his muscles. He felt his spine crack in all the right places, allowing him to touch the floor, bypassing his toes. He leaned back up, rolling his neck.

The barred door opened to reveal a man with copper hair and beady, dark eyes. _‘Pierce.’_ He didn’t know how he knew his face, but he assumed it had been including in the programming he’d just received. He leaned back against the wall, hands behind his butt.

“Feeling better?” Pierce asked.

The Asset furrowed his brow, unsure of why that question was warranted.

Pierce laughed. “You had me worried. Was afraid you lost your ambition.”

“HYDRA’s all the ambition I need,” the Asset replied automatically, but there was no life behind the words. It was like he was forced to say it rather than truly felt it. He still didn’t question it.

“Good,” Pierce said, a small smile curling his lips. “Got an assignment for you,” he said as he handed the Asset a file. “It’s not like your previous work, but I think you’ll enjoy it.”

The Asset flipped open the file, seeing a man with blonde hair, broad shoulders and a star on his chest. He cocked a brow. “Captain America?” he questioned. “Is this guy serious?”

Pierce laughed. “Serious as they come. He’s an ex SHIELD agent. Gone rogue. Opposes HYDRA passionately.”

“So you need me to kill him,” the Asset stated flatly. He closed the file, feeling it pointless to read the rest. He could read? Oh…he could.

Pierce chucked softly. “No that won’t be necessary. We’re promoting you. Ever wanted to be a spy?”

He never knew he wanted to be an assassin. How could he have known if he ever wanted to be a spy? He guessed from his blank stare that Pierce caught onto the train of thought.

“He thinks he knows you. You look a lot like a man he once knew. Rogers’ got a similar story to yours. Frozen in ice for roughly 70 years, super human strength and healing. He was a big time World War II hero.” Pierce paused, his eyes scanning the Asset’s face. “You’re name is Bucky Barnes to him. So get used to thinking about it that way. You were…kidnapped by HYDRA. He thinks we’ve treated you terribly. Well, his friend.”

 _‘Bucky, Bucky, Bucky. Why’s that so familiar?’_ the Asset mulled in his head. He tried on the name for size, seeing how it fit in his brain as he referred to himself as Bucky. He cocked his head to the side, waiting for Pierce to keep going. “So what’s my mission then?”

“Befriend him. Get him to trust you. Do whatever you can to make him believe you’re his friend. Evaluate him. If you think he’s HYDRA material, report it and we’ll devise a plan to take him in.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier if you just asked?” Bucky asked.

Pierce huffed once. “He was SHIELD. He won’t come to HYDRA without a fight. He thinks we’re a delusional group of people, but he just doesn’t see what we’re trying to do. We’re trying to rid the people of fear, hatred and desperation. You understand all that- don’t you Bucky?”

Bucky watched as Pierce’s eyes scanned him for any twitch that showed to the contrary. “Of course I understand.”

Pierce nodded, pointing to the file. “Take a look at that. Get familiar with Barnes’ personality. There’s a museum exhibit too you should check out. Got Barnes’ life all over it.”

“This guy was important then?” Bucky asked.

“He was a war hero,” Pierce stated. “But he’s dead. Captain America just can’t accept that. So, we’re going to use that to our advantage. Befriend him. Gain his trust. See if he can be brought in, like you, or if he should be terminated.”

“You’ll wipe his brain too?” Bucky asked, unsure why the words came out so argumentatively.

Pierce took a step back, his eyes rounding. “You were having a mental breakdown. We took away your pain. You know everything you need to know.”

Bucky nodded, feeling his lip twitch. “I know. So, evaluate to convert or kill?”

“Yes,” Pierce stated with his hands on his hips.

“Understood, sir,” Bucky said, opening the file again and going to sit on his chair. He sat cross legged, his brow furrowed as he scanned the pictures, the facts, the dates. It was a lot of information, but he knew it was necessary. This Captain America sounded like a good guy. Bucky didn’t understand why he didn’t want HYDRA to prevail. They were going to give the world true happiness and freedom. What did…Steve Rogers…want to give the world?

“Oh and…Bucky,” Pierce said over his shoulder.

Bucky looked up from the file. Pierce was standing in the doorway, his fingers wrapped around one of the bars.

“Don’t just go up to him and say you’re Bucky. Make him work for it. Make it look like you’re really remembering and give it some dramatic flair. I’ll let you decide how you handle that.”

Bucky chewed his bottom lip, thinking how he could approach that situation. What was dramatic flair?

* * *

 

“If Project Insight’s a success,” Rumlow began as he joined Pierce’s side. He’d been handed a similar file to Barnes’.

“You mean when it’s a success,” Pierce corrected.

“Cap and Barnes are going to be obsolete,” Rumlow finished.

Pierce turned to him, creasing his brow. “You got a soft spot for them?”

Rumlow felt his shoulders sink under the weight of that glare. He was Barnes’ handler…but that didn’t make him soft. “No sir. I just don’t understand why you’re not just killing Rogers.”

“Always have a backup plan, Brock. We’re going to put them on ice and hopefully the generations after us will never need them, but we’re keeping them as insurance.”

Rumlow nodded, understanding that reasoning. “Yes sir,” he stated. He broke away from Pierce, going toward the elevator to go down to check out Barnes. He’d always been a bit terrified of those dead, dull eyes and expressionless face. He could tell from the pictures that Barnes had been quite the good looking man back in the day. His eyes had been so bright. It almost hurt Rumlow to think of what had happened to Barnes. And now all this, being told his past life was a lie but to go along with it anyway? It was cruel. Brilliant. But cruel. The elevator came to a gentle halt, dinging as its doors opened. He stepped out, a stark contrast of black and caramel skin against the yellowing tiles around him. He saw Barnes, chewing his bottom lip as he read over his mission files. He was more animated than usual. Was it because of the excitement for having a different kind of mission? Or was it because he knew deep down that he really _was_ Bucky Barnes.

“How’s he doing?” he asked Dr. Vandercoy.

The scientist straightened out his bowtie before answering. “He’s stable. His dopamine levels are a bit higher than usual, but I think that’s from the adjusted programming.”

So he was happier? What made him happier? “Hey, Barnes,” Rumlow called.

The man looked up at him, but those dead eyes just stared back at him.

“We’re mission buds again,” he stated as he came to realize Barnes wasn’t going to say anything. “I’ll be inside launching Project Insight while you’ll be looking out for Cap.”

Barnes nodded, his gaze trailing back to the file. He looked way too absorbed into it. That was unsettling. “What’re you thinking?”

Even the scientists realized how heavy that question truly was. They all stared at Barnes, waiting for him to reply, if he’d even give one. Barnes wasn’t the chattiest character.

But Barnes looked up through his greasy, stringy hair. “I’m not thinking anything,” he stated.

Rumlow cocked his head. “Really? You’re not excited about your mission?”

“It’s just a mission,” Barnes replied. “Should I be excited?”

The question was innocent. Rumlow knew how far Barnes would go to be obedient. A few of his STRIKE had tested how far those boundaries went, forcing Barnes to sleep with them. Though from what some of the guys said…there wasn’t much forcing, just awkward initiating. It used to disgust Rumlow how everyone saw Barnes as a toy, or a gun, but now he didn’t really care. Over time, he just came to accept it, even saw why people felt that way about him. Barnes presented himself as a doll to be moved around at the behest of anyone but himself. A man like that with no fight left in him didn’t deserve to have an opinion. “No, Barnes. I guess not.” He turned away, deciding he’d had enough of a show for one day.

The Asset still creeped him out, no matter how hard he’d tried to think of him differently. No matter how many times he followed his ass into the line of fire. The guys on his STRIKE team were off their rockers to sleep with that ball of crazed insanity… And lesson number one, you don’t stick your dick in crazy.

* * *

 

He’d met him atop the helicarriers. Captain America…Steve Rogers. He’d remembered Pierce’s urgings for dramatic flair, so Bucky put on a show. He’d shot Steve a few times, watched how far his dedication to “Bucky Barnes” would take him. Truth be told, Bucky was envious. He wanted a man who was so devoted to him. Bucky had given HYDRA everything from his life to his body to his purpose. He’d broken himself over and over for them and not once had he ever wanted to look back, or at least he didn’t think he wanted to look back.

He’d punched Rogers. Slammed his metal arm into him so hard he was sure the spine would break. Part of him wanted to kill this man. He didn’t want to look into the eyes of a man with so much adoration, only to know Bucky was lying. He had no idea who this man was, but he tried to play it off like it was all coming back.

They beat each other into pulps before Bucky started to pretend he was really remembering. He’d pause; drop his gaze to the floor before pretending to remember what he was doing. Captain Rogers took notice. He kept urging Bucky to remember who he was. He kept trying to deflect each punch with no counter strike.

They were both wheezing and gasping for breath as their wounds seeped blood and stung of sweat. Rogers struggled to stand up, speaking pointedly. “Your name is James. Buchanan. Barnes.”

Bucky had to play it just right. He contorted his face, tightening his eyes as he pretended to fight the memories that weren’t actually revealing themselves. “Shut up!” he screamed over the wind.

“I’m not gunna fight you,” Rogers said, dropping his shield. “You’re my friend.”

Bucky watched it fall into the river below. Bucky wanted to be this guy’s friend. The amount of dedication, the sacrifices Rogers was willing to make. He was trusting Bucky completely. Bucky literally was the only thing that could decide if this man would live or die. It was terrifying. He wanted to know him.

They stared at each other, both panting and exhausted before Bucky decided to keep up the charade a bit longer. He lunged at Rogers, pushing him down, thinking of something to say that could really bring that dramatic flair that Pierce wanted. “You’re my mission,” he stated, feeling rather pleased with himself as he began to punch Rogers, over and over. _‘How’s this for drama?’_

His heart began to squeeze as this man allowed him to keep punching. He watched the pain etch itself into the corners of Rogers’ eyes. He watched the skin split and heard the bones crunch, but the man didn’t do anything. This guy… Who the hell was he?

“Then finish it,” Rogers breathed out.

Bucky didn’t have to pretend to hesitate. He didn’t have to pretend to look shocked or caught off guard. This guy… They didn’t make them like this anymore. This…James Barnes had one of the greatest friends in human history, and he was too dead to take the time to appreciate it. Bucky wanted to. He wanted to stop, to pretend he was remembering everything that they never did together. He wanted to pull the man into a hug and tell him all the things he thought Rogers wanted to hear. But he didn’t. Pierce had made his orders clear, and Bucky was compliant to a fault.

“Cause I’m with you…till the end of the line.” The words reverberated through Bucky’s body, sparking something he didn’t know exist. It was like another person was inside him, screaming, telling him something was wrong. He ignored it; staring down at the beaten man below him, his fist still hanging in the air as he decided if he’d punch again or not.

He didn’t get to decide whether to punch him again or not. The flooring gave way beneath Rogers and he was cast down into the river. Bucky knew he’d die under the weight of the debris, or the fact that the man had no fight left in him. So he jumped. If Rogers died, so did his mission. If Rogers died… he wouldn’t get to feel what it felt like to have a friend so dedicated, so loyal and trusting that it was like the world around them didn’t exist. So he jumped and reached out, and carried the man to shore.

He dropped him, looking at Rogers’ still, unconscious face. Bucky bit at his lower lip, debating what to do. Should he stay? Wait for the other to wake up? Wait, the museum exhibit! He hadn’t seen the museum exhibit yet! Following Pierce’s orders, he departed from Steve Rogers. He looked over his shoulder, making sure the other wasn’t awake. He knew they’d find each other again. He just had to figure out how to make this all seem natural. He couldn’t appear too eager, but he couldn’t appear too distant. It was a fine, complicated line. He had to play his cards right.

…Had he ever even played cards before?

* * *

 

Steve felt anxious. Sam had agreed to look for Bucky with him. Natasha had given him some files from Kiev. But that was where the trial went cold. He couldn’t imagine Bucky would wander off too far. He’d known. Steve knew that Bucky could remember, at least little pieces, or at least that gut feeling. Steve was sure of it! Bucky had pulled him from the water. Why would he do that unless he knew Steve, or at least was curious to know Steve.

Rolling his shoulders, he looked over the files again. Oh what HYDRA had done… It was unforgivable. Disgusting. Bucky had been experimented on, brainwashed, frozen in ice, brought out for short gasps of air only to have his memory wiped and be shoved right back in. Steve felt his fingers shaking as he continued to thumb through the pages.

“Steve,” Sam said from the other side of the table. He was reading the newspaper. Steve looked to the date.

 It had been a month since Steve last saw Bucky. They decided it was best not to leave D.C. Despite Captain America being wanted by the US government…they thought it best to stick around in the event that Bucky still was around.

“Steve,” Sam said once more. This time his tone was firmer. “You doing good over there?”

Sam continuously asked how Steve was doing. Steve wasn’t bothered by it, but he always ticked off a mental number each time Sam asked. Since Bucky came back, life had been a spiraling mess of confusion, anger and anxiety. Sam was more than well aware of that and for the most part, he gave Steve the space he needed, but there were times when Steve would focus too hard or be up too long. Sam made sure he slept, ate and had time to just…be mind numb. Usually those nights surrounded trashy reality TV and beer.

“I’m fine.”

Sam raised his brow, eyeing Steve apprehensively.

Steve put the file down, closing it and placing his hands atop it. “Really, Sam. I’m fine.”

Sam went back to looking at the newspaper. “You’re name’s been all over this thing.”

“What’re they saying?”

“Most of the reporters seem to question if you’re really “Captain America” quality or if you’re a terrorist.” Sam’s words were smooth, like he was talking about the weather.

“I saved them. They know this. The US government knows this.”

“They’re reporters, Steve. Welcome to the world of desperate men and desperate women who will do anything for more views.”

Steve’s phone vibrated on the table, startling both men. He picked it up, seeing Caller Unknown, but decided to answer it anyway. What if it was Bucky?

“Hello?” he greeted.

_It’s Natasha. Ya got a sec?_

Steve let out a sigh as his hopes deflated. Why would Bucky have his number anyway? Did Bucky even have a phone? “Yup.”

_I’ve got it on good authority there’s a man in New York. He’d been wandering around like a lost puppy. Stark took him to his tower._

Steve’s eyes widened. He stood up slowly, afraid that if he got up too fast he’d collapse to the floor. “Bucky?”

_Stark said he’s got a metal arm._

“How long? Why didn’t Stark call me? Is he okay? Has he said anything?” Steve fired question after question, already starting to move about the house to collect his shoes and wallet.

 _Stark didn’t know who he belonged to. He called me. Thought the star on the arm looked like something Russians would do…_ She laughed softly. _He’s right though. And no- he hasn’t spoken a word._

Steve felt like he was about to lift off the ground and fly. He’d been so anxious. So terrified for Bucky. It was a relief to hear he was with Tony. Though, he wasn’t entirely sure how he found Tony…or how Tony got him to come with him… “How did this all happen?”

_Tony said he showed up outside the tower and sat there for a few days…and nights. Pepper was the one who brought him in. Tony saw the arm and here we are._

Steve’s heart lurched. Bucky was out there. He was out there. Alive. “I’ll call Stark. See ya, Tash.” He didn’t even wait to hear her say anything back. He shoved his phone in his back pocket slamming his hands on the table a bit too loudly.

Sam looked up, nodding. He’d been listening, clearly. “So when we leaving?”

“Now,” Steve said. He ran into the living room, grabbing his things. He’d been living out of his suitcase since SHIELD went down. After everything was in order, he threw the suitcase onto the couch and dialed Tony’s number.

 _Capcicle!_ Tony said into the phone gleefully. _Natasha thinks this dude I’ve got on my couch knows you!_

“Stark…don’t try to detain him. Don’t threaten him. Don’t…do anything that he may see as a threat,” Steve said softly.

Sam leaned against the doorframe as he slung his backpack over his shoulders. He was ready to leave.

_Uh, I haven’t done anything. Pepper gave him tea and now he’s watching Scooby Doo._

Steve blinked in surprise, picturing Bucky, staring blankly at the TV as the Great Dane solved mysteries. “Has he said anything yet?”

_Nope. Who is he?_

Steve felt his throat clench up. If he told Tony, Tony could become a potential target. The CIA, HYDRA, whatever remnants of SHIELD and probably half a dozen other agencies were out looking for The Winter Soldier. If he told Tony, he’d have to bring him completely into the fold, more than what Tony knew already about The Winter Soldier. He had to know he was at least that, right? “You know him.”

_I know he’s the guy who put you in the hospital. He have a change of heart? Or is he just waiting for you so he can put a bullet in your head and stain my carpet?_

Steve rolled his eyes. “He’s not going to kill me, Tony. It’s complicated. I’ll…I’ll tell you when I get there.”

 _Whatever. He seems to like Pepper though. So…if he makes a move on my woman, I will be making threats._ His tone was light. He was being sarcastic, but Steve still felt his heart clench as nervous anticipation wrenched its way deep inside.

“Don’t threaten him. That’s the last thing you wanna do.” He hung up, feeling satisfied with his closing statement. Turning to Sam, he allowed his friend to see a moment of anxious, vulnerability as his shoulders slumped and his eyes rounded into innocent orbs. He was scared. Bucky was with Tony Stark in New York. New York…their home. Him and Bucky. Was it a clue? Was Bucky saying he remembered? Or was Tony right? What if this was HYDRA? But Pierce was dead… Steve was aware not all HYDRA agents were taken out, but he was pretty sure at least most of the big players were out of the way now. Bucky couldn’t be controlled anymore, right?

“One step at a time, Cap,” Sam said, as if he could read each and every thought Steve had. “Let’s go.”

* * *

 

“So…” the man, Tony Stark drawled as he sat across from Bucky. He was apprehensive. His shoulders were tense and Bucky could see the man’s pulse beating quickly against his neck. Bucky made him nervous. “You got a name?”

Bucky’s eyes drifted back to the cartoon.

Tony huffed. “JARVIS, you find anything?”

Bucky jumped as he heard a disconnected voice float into the room. “No sir. Only the information from SHIELD and HYDRA that were leaked. The Winter Soldier, or as HYDRA referenced to him: the Asset.”

Tony leaned forward. “So, you’re a trained assassin. One of HYDRA’s big guys. Why’re you here? With me?”

Bucky let his lips part. He thought of many responses to that, from the absolute truth to thousands of lies. Pierce was dead. But HYDRA wasn’t. HYDRA would be expecting him to complete his mission. “I knew him.”

Tony furrowed his brow. “Knew who?”

“Rogers. I knew him.”

Tony leaned back, clicking his tongue. “He’s a pretty famous guy. I’m sure you know who I am too…”

Bucky responded with a blank stare.

“Or not…” Tony said, sounding a bit disappointed. “How’d you know Steve?”

Bucky turned back to the cartoon, but his eyes weren’t focused. They looked past the television screen, searching for something that wasn’t there. He was assigned this mission. He was to play the part of a man’s dead best friend. All he knew was what was in that file. “We grew up together.”

“You do realize Steve was frozen in a block of ice for seventy years right? You don’t look to be close to his age.”

Bucky’s gaze snapped back to Tony. He watched as the man seemed to push further back into his seat, like Bucky’s gaze was too much for him. “It’s complicated.”

Tony deadpanned. “Really? Steve said the same damn thing…” He stood up, sighing heavily. “Okay, when Steve gets here. You two have a lot of explaining. You show up with that…arm and expect me to sit here and just nod and smile along. Sure. I’ll bite for now, but when Steve gets here, you both are going to spill everything or I’m dropping you from the top of this tower.”

Bucky shrugged.

“Oh you’re infuriating!” Tony groaned as he walked onto his balcony.

Bucky looked back at the TV, just in time to see the monster revealed to be someone the gang had met before. It was a light, comical show. Bucky had enjoyed it. He wished he’d gotten to really appreciate this kind of thing back with HYDRA. He felt a pang of guilt jab itself into his ribs and the thought was removed. He turned the TV off, staring at the wall.

“Tony!” Pepper called as she ran into the room. She was followed by a man with smooth chocolate skin and…

Bucky felt his heart skip. Confusion laced his features from the sensation. He felt his breath catch as he looked at Steve. He was extremely handsome with broad, strong shoulders and such a trusting face it was almost hard for Bucky to not come clean right then and there. He stilled himself, forcing the foreign emotions deep within as he looked blankly at the people who’d entered.

Steve ran over to Bucky, the sudden movement startled Bucky and he was instantly up, flipping back behind the couch to separate himself from Steve. The look that Steve had…the overflowing loyalty and compassion. It was too heavy for Bucky to look at.

“Bucky,” Steve whispered. “It’s me. Steve.”

Bucky wanted to sarcastically respond with he knew, but remained silent, watching as Tony came into the room. Pepper joined his side.

“I was looking for you. I thought… I thought you’d stick around D.C. If I had known you’d be here though…”

“I needed time,” Bucky responded. He didn’t like everyone’s gaze plastered onto him like he was some kind of zoo animal. He shuffled on his feet, trying to remember Pierce’s words. Dramatic flair. Assess, report or kill. He had to play this right. He had to give into Steve to earn the man’s trust.

Steve nodded, allowing a tired smile to grace his features. “Sure. Yeah I understand that. When I first woke up, I was scared. Everything was different, all my friends were dead…” Memories flashed over Steve’s face, causing his eyes to harden as pain etched deeply into those ocean blues. Bucky pitied him. So much emotion had to be baggage. Bucky was relieved he didn’t have to carry such a burden. The memory wipes saved him and for once, he was truly grateful.

Bucky let his shoulders drop, as he tried his best to look uncertain, reserved and a bit scared. “I…I’m not dead,” he whispered.

Steve smiled as he slowly walked around the couch. He walked softly, with his hands outstretched. “No. No you’re not dead.” Steve stopped right in front of Bucky, he placed his hands on Bucky’s shoulders and gave them a quick squeeze, like he was assessing if Bucky was really real or not. He pulled Bucky into a hug.

Bucky’s eyes widened in shock as he felt those strong arms wrap around him. His spine curved in and he fought for balance. He wrapped his arms around Steve, feeling much more comfortable with the balance it created. He was leaning into Steve and was pretty sure one of his boots was atop Steve’s, but he didn’t care. This was going the exact way Bucky wanted. Steve was making this too easy. Trust wasn’t going to be the hard part. Bucky felt he could easily trick Steve into the Red Room.

His stomach flipped and he tensed up. He didn’t want them to go back so soon. He wanted to know what it was like to have this. He wanted to know what a best friend felt like, and what kind of loyalty Steve would show. Perhaps since Pierce was dead…Bucky could just…play with this for awhile.

Steve pulled back, clearing his throat awkwardly. “We’ll get through this together, k Buck?”

“Bucky?” Tony finally said. “Wait…Bucky as in James Barnes? As in the 107th and the guy who fell off a mountain?”

Sam laughed.

“Jesus, you WWII guys and your absolute refusal of dying,” Tony continued as he went to make himself a drink.

Bucky watched as Steve’s face seemed to weigh something out, like he was considering doing something or not. “Stark,” Steve finally said. “Can we talk?”

Tony raised his glass, before taking the shot and swallowing. He motioned for Steve to follow him out on the balcony.

Bucky stood there, feeling his chest rise and fall. Did Steve know? Was there something in Bucky’s behavior that gave this all away? He’d never done this before. Espionage wasn’t assassination. This wasn’t a point, shoot and walk away kind of thing. This was a calculative, cunning dance and Bucky wasn’t sure he was playing it right.

He moved, watching as Sam took notice of his every step. Bucky sat back onto the couch, his eyes dulling as he stared at the wall. Was this over? Did he fail?

Steve and Tony walked back in. Tony went for another drink. Steve came to kneel in front of Bucky. “Wanna go outside with me for a second? Just to talk?”

Bucky nodded, following Steve out. The wind was cold, chilling the metal against Bucky’s shoulder. He crossed his arms, trying to pull some heat in.

“Where’ve you been?” Steve asked.

“Trying to remember,” Bucky lied. He had to play the part just right. Too much came off as fake, but not enough came out as a lie. “I thought coming here would jog my memory.”

Steve nodded, accepting those words as law. “Did it help?”

“No. Not really.”

“So…what do you remember?”

The million dollar question. Bucky knew everything in that file but he knew zero specifics. He mulled over several responses in his mind before deciding on one. Thankfully, Steve seemed patient. “We were best friends. Soldiers. I fell off a train. HYDRA took me in.” Bucky saw the pain that crossed Steve’s features. It hallowed out his cheeks and Bucky was sure if he didn’t start talking that Steve would go red and begin to smash whatever was in his way. “They trained me. Wiped my memories and programmed me to be a weapon. That’s really it.”

“Well let’s go back,” Steve said. “Back to the war. Back to you and me.”

Bucky didn’t want to go that far back. He didn’t want to try to lie his way through a life he had never lived. “Steve,” he breathed out. “I just wanna…I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it.”

Steve straightened up, like he was caught off guard, but didn’t push it. “Okay. We can talk about all that when you’re ready to. I’m just so glad you’re here. That you’re okay.” Steve ran his hand over Bucky’s hair, then cupping his face. There was something in those eyes, something hungry and desperate but Bucky didn’t know why. He just stood there, blinking up at the taller man. Steve pursed his lips, backing away. “Hungry?”

Bucky shrugged. “I could eat.”

Steve smiled, pulling Bucky into the penthouse. The gesture was so light, but Bucky felt his head spin. This man thought Bucky was James Barnes, a man who died so very long ago. But Steve was so nice and optimistic that it almost hurt Bucky to have to lie to him like this. It would be better when Steve was under HYDRA’s programming. All the pain and longing for a friend long since deceased would be gone, and HYDRA would provide for Steve the same way HYDRA has provided for Bucky.

Bucky took small comfort in knowing Steve’s pain would one day be erased as he allowed Steve to list off a ton of take out options. Tony had ultimately decided on Chinese, but Bucky had taken silent enjoyment in the fact that Steve was asking him what to do, and not the other way around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!


	2. I Remember These Arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the kudos, comments and bookmarks! I know the story hasn't even been up for a full day but I wanted to get another chapter out since it was more plot-following vs setup like the last one. Let me know your thoughts! I'd love to hear them!

Bucky sat in one of Tony Stark’s labs. He had his knees tucked under his chin and he was chewing on a fingernail. According to Stark, he needed to check out Bucky’s arm to make sure everything was okay. Bucky was certain that meant to look for trackers, failsafes and anything else that could be a threat to them. Unfortunately, Bucky was pretty sure there was a tracker and he was even more sure that Stark was going to remove it. The panic that lolled in his stomach was calm, but it was slowly building to a raging storm as he thought about who could communicate with him now? He knew Pierce was dead, but HYDRA didn’t put all its eggs into one basket. Project Insight was a great idea, but it had failed and now HYDRA would move on with another plan to bring this planet the peace it needed. Bucky knew that if the tracker was removed, he’d lose the ability to touch base with HYDRA.

He was alarmingly more nervous about the excitement he felt about that prospect. He’d always been watched by HYDRA through trackers, cryo or his handlers, Rumlow being his most recent. He’d heard that Rumlow was in a hospital back in D.C. Bucky would have to find him eventually. He'd need a way back to HYDRA after the tracker was removed.

Tony entered, walking casually over to Bucky, his face unreadable, which alarmed Bucky. Bucky was always good at reading faces. Tony picked up a wrench and a wire. He hovered over Bucky like a child sitting before a cake, unsure which piece to dive into. “Ready, Barnes?”

Bucky nodded.

Tony took a seat on a rolling chair and went to work immediately. The arm opened for him easily, like it had been made to respond to his touch. Bucky winced as he realized its true weight as it hung lifelessly.

Tony held it up, realizing that the arm had become deadweight. “Ever had a limb go numb?”

Bucky furrowed his brow.

“I mean, cause that’s what this feels like right? You never realize how heavy your limbs are till they go numb.” Tony pursed his lips when he realized Bucky wasn’t going to talk. He sighed, using a screwdriver now to open Bucky’s hard drive. “This is a masterpiece,” he said, his voice light and breathy.

Bucky just sat there, waiting for his lifeline to be cut from HYDRA. He wondered if they’d come after him from his last known location, or if they knew what was going on here. He wasn’t entirely worried about it. They always found him.

“Yup. Tracking device.” Tony pulled out the small chip and smashed it. “You’re officially free of HYDRA!” He gestured with his arms in a big wide stretch.

Bucky just stared at him.

“You freak me out. You know that?”

Bucky offered a small smile. The look seemed to shock Stark as he stepped back before getting close to the arm again.

“Did’ja get enough to eat?” Tony asked. He was really trying. The silence seemed to unnerve him. Perhaps it was because Bucky unnerved him.

“Yes,” Bucky stated.

Tony sighed, sitting back and looking straight into Bucky’s eyes. “I just… I need to know. It's been killing me. Why’d you come here?”

Bucky blinked, surprised at the pleading look that penetrated into Tony’s dark eyes. Bucky felt his lips part as his confusion rose to the top of his features.

“I mean, you knew where Steve was. And don’t play dumb with me because I know you knew. You’re too smart for that. So…why here?”

Bucky was astonished at Tony’s perceptions. He’d come here because he wanted it to look like he’d been lost. He wanted it to seem like HYDRA wasn’t involved and that he just didn’t know where to turn. He’d seen the footage from the Battle of New York. It was part of the file Pierce had given him. He’d seen this tower. He knew it held meaning and it was also in New York, which was where Steve was from. Bucky looked down at his nonoperational arm. “I didn’t know how to approach Steve. Not after what I did to him.”

Tony ran his fingers through his hair. He nodded, accepting the lies. “So you came to my tower because…?”

Bucky wished he had control over his arm. He’d stop this conversation before it could get too deep. He couldn’t say he knew of what went down in New York because the less he seemed to know the better it looked. He shrugged with his right shoulder. “Pepper brought me in. I just sat in front of the building. Didn't know it was yours.”

Tony didn’t buy it. Bucky could read the distrust underneath the perfectly controlled features. This was bad. Bucky had to think of something. He had to think of something fast! “I may have heard…HYDRA…” he began, trying to sound scared. “I heard about Iron Man. Thought he could protect me.”

Tony’s eyes softened. He leaned his head to one side, uncrossing his arms. “Yeah well… I guess HYDRA wants me dead too?”

Bucky nodded. Truthfully, he had no idea but he wasn’t going to blow his cover to Iron Man.

“You’re arm checks out. I’ll get it back up and running and then you’re good to go.”

Bucky nodded again, chewing his bottom lip. Tony wasn’t entirely convinced- that much was certain. Bucky would need to divert all his attention to Steve. He needed Steve to believe everything to the utmost in blind faith. The more Steve trusted him, the more Tony’s words to Steve would fall on deaf ears.

* * *

 

Steve had been waiting right outside the lab. He greeted Bucky with a large smile. He stopped awkwardly in front of Bucky, his body recoiling as if Bucky had missed a step in the dance. He offered a smile, hoping it would break the uncertainty Steve just displayed. “Hey. How’d it go?” Steve asked.

“Barnes is tracker free,” Tony said from behind, using a towel to dry his hands.

“So HYDRA can’t find him?” Steve asked. The hope in that voice was almost tangible.

“Nope, but I still don’t want you to getting too far from the tower,” Tony stated. “We don’t know who was already monitoring his GPS.”

Steve nodded as his jaw clenched. He turned back to Bucky, his face instantly melting off its apprehension. “Wanna see where you’ll be sleeping?”

Bucky nodded, following Steve. He looked over his shoulder, seeing Stark’s furrowed brow and a distrusting face. He’d have to push Steve along faster. He didn’t trust Stark would remain silent for too long.

Together, they went down a flight of stairs into another living suite. “Tony thought it best if you and I shared a suite. If…that’s okay?” Steve looked worried, like Bucky would refuse.

Bucky smiled, nodding. “Yeah, that’s swell.”

Steve’s fingers were twitching. Bucky could tell he was nervous. He seized the opportunity, reaching out with his fleshy hand to take Steve’s. Their fingers twisted together. When Steve didn’t recoil, Bucky stepped forward, closing his metal arm atop their hands. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said softly.

Steve sighed. It was shaky and held so much relief it almost rocked Bucky back. “I’m so glad _you’re_ here, Buck. I still…” Tears moistened his eyes. “I still can’t believe it.”

Bucky didn’t know how to handle this. Tears meant sadness right? But why was Steve smiling? Confused, Bucky did the only thing he could think of doing. He pulled Steve into a hug, letting the other cry into his shoulder softly. He didn’t have to worry about how his face looked and he didn’t have to start crying either. He felt his shirt dampen as Steve kept crying.

The hug became a tangled mess of limbs as Bucky decided to bring them both to the floor. He wasn’t sure what to do, but something inside guided him, like he’d done this before. He pulled Steve into his chest, petting his hair. He didn’t speak, and neither did Steve.

Steve had been given a most unfortunate situation. The man he thought was dead, the man he barely got a chance to mourn because of his own fate, was supposedly right here before him, and he’d never really gotten a chance to let those feelings calm down. So Bucky did his best to allow those emotions to finally ride out. While he didn’t truly know how it felt, he was sure it felt…heavy.

“Do you remember anything about us?” Steve finally said, sniffing softly. He sounded so weak, like a child. It amazed Bucky that he was Captain America, the force that saved the 107th, defeated the Red Skull, aided in the Battle of New York and brought down HYDRA and SHIELD in one day. He was so…human.

Bucky sighed, trying to think of something in the files. Best friends. Inseparable. Bucky had always been the bigger one, before Steve was jacked up with the super-serum. He tried hard to think of something, something vague that he could run with, but nothing came to him. So he leaned his head back against the leather sofa, looking up at the high ceiling fan. “No…just that I knew you.”

Steve pulled himself up, coming to sit next to Bucky instead of against him. Their shoulders were touching, but Bucky knew better. Steve had pulled away because Bucky couldn’t think of a damn memory or some small lie. He needed to hear these things. He needed to be reassured. Bucky needed a computer. He needed to do as much research on Steve and James Barnes that he possibly could. This wasn’t going to last if Bucky couldn’t get anywhere.

Steve rubbed at his face. “God. Sorry… I just…I don’t know where that came from.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Bucky said quickly. “Break down. Freak out. Do whatever you need to do to realize I’m sitting right beside you.” The words were smooth and Bucky was even impressed at how good they sounded. He enjoyed the small smile that teased at Steve’s lips. To look into those eyes and see such adoration… He was sure HYDRA had never let someone look at him like this. He only knew what the last programming had let him, but he was damn sure that personal relationships with the Asset were non-existent. The closest thing he had to a friend was Brock Rumlow, and that was only because Bucky knew he was his handler and because Rumlow made it a point to at least try to talk to Bucky before they set out to complete Project Insight.

“What’re you thinking about?” Steve asked, bringing Bucky back from his thoughts.

Why did people ask him that? First Rumlow and now Steve. What was it about what was going on in his mind that made people so curious? Was this a usual thing? “Just trying to remember you.”

Steve smiled; bumping his shoulder playfully into Bucky’s. “Give it time. I’m sure it’ll come back. You were able to beat HYDRA’s programming back on the helicarrier. I’m sure you’ll be your old self in no time.”

Bucky smiled. He wanted to believe that. But he was exactly who he’d always been. He’d never been James Barnes. He’d always been a nameless, organic weapon that did anything and everything for HYDRA.

“Do you want me to tell you stories? Or something?” Steve asked. “About us?”

Bucky licked his lips, nodding enthusiastically. He was afraid he’d looked too eager, but Steve had just laughed, resting his head back against the couch. “I don’t know if you know this, but I was tiny once. Sick all the time. I had asthma. Sometimes it got pretty bad. I had a bad attack out at a baseball field with you and some other boys in our class. You pulled me against you and forced me to breathe with you. After I started to calm down, you wanted me to get home pretty fast. Despite all my protests, you slung me on your back and ran all the way home.” Steve paused, looking into Bucky’s eyes. The connection that Steve must have had with Barnes, to look at Bucky this way, must have been truly special. Bucky couldn’t hold eye contact for long without feeling like he was drowning in affection. “You were always saving me.”

Bucky felt like he was sprawled out, naked on the floor. He was never the one saving Steve. That was James Barnes. That was the man Steve truly adored. Bucky pulled his knees against his chest, trying to put some distance between himself and Steve. “And here I was trying to kill you,” he joked, trying to remove the heavy weight out of Steve’s eyes.

Steve’s face contorted briefly, muscles going rigid before settling. “That wasn’t you, Buck.”

 _‘No, pretty sure I’m exactly who I was…’_ Bucky thought sarcastically. Was he a sarcastic person by nature? He had no clue…

“So, we were best friends?” Bucky asked.

Steve laughed. “Oh yeah. You couldn’t get rid of me no matter how hard you tried.”

“I wanted to get rid of you?” Bucky asked innocently. It was so easy to fall into this persona; so easy it was almost terrifying. He enjoyed being James Barnes. He enjoyed feeling like he’d had a life with someone else, even if the weight of Steve's gaze was sometimes too much.

Steve laughed again. “Oh I’m sure there were times you wanted to kill me, but you never really meant it.”

“I wish I knew why,” Bucky said. “Knowing you now, I can’t imagine ever hurting you.” There he went with those smooth words and that sincere face again. He was getting rather impressed with himself. James Barnes was a mask that fit like a glove.

Steve responded with casting his gaze to his shoes, a small, half-smile ghosting his features before disappearing.

Bucky felt like he’d done something wrong. His heart quickened as he straightened up. “Steve,” he whispered. “I need to know you.” He didn’t want Steve going back into his thoughts. He needed Steve to be here with him. If this was going to work, Steve needed to focus on this James Barnes and not the one who’d fallen from the train.

Steve stood up, offering his hand down to Bucky. “You will know me.”

* * *

 

Bucky had finally hid away from the small gathering in Stark’s penthouse. Pepper was sweet, and Sam was nice enough, but Bucky really needed to learn more about James Barnes. His fingers typed expertly against a laptop he’d managed to swipe from Stark’s lab. He knew Stark would be able to see the history no matter what Bucky did to try to delete it, but he could say he just wanted to know about his life. It was human nature to be curious. He’d seen the museum exhibit. It would only be logical to presume Bucky just wanted to know more about his life.

He searched for every document, picture, audio file and blog he could find. He was surprised there were so many fan groups dedicated to Captain America. Searching for James Barnes seemed to be a bit more limited. Everything said the same things. War hero, died by falling from a train. Best friend. Blah blah. He did find a real estate agent that shared the name though... Bucky sighed, rubbing at his face with his metal hand. 

He decided to search for the two of them together and got a lot of very different results. The bond between them was solidified in history as one of the greatest friendships of American wartime, but that wasn’t what entirely caught Bucky’s eye. There were plenty of articles about Steve Roger’s sexuality and his “suicide” shortly after Barnes’ death. Many conspiracy theorists suggested that Rogers had been involved sexually with Barnes.

Bucky blinked, surprised at the amount of results inputting “STEVE ROGERS” and “HOMOSEXUAL” received. All accounts always pointed to his relationship with Barnes. A woman’s name, Peggy Carter kept coming up every now and then but Bucky wasn’t concerned about her. What was more interesting was the lack of response from the US government about Roger’s sexuality. Once he died, the US government went on, no longer concerned that they may or may not have injected a homosexual with the super soldier serum. He was old news to them, that much was obvious. After Rogers came back though, nothing was said further about it. A few tabloids snapped pictures of Rogers and a woman with red hair in intimate positions, but Bucky knew those to be sparring positions. He closed the laptop, feeling satisfied with what he’d seen.

Maybe Steve had broken down because he thought the love of his life returned to him. Maybe it was because a long lost brother had returned. Bucky couldn’t be sure, but he was sure he had a bit more of a plan.

* * *

 

Morning came faster than Steve was prepared for. He stretched out, turning over and nearly jolting from the bed when a shock of cold hit his shoulder. His eyes snapped into focus, seeing Bucky’s messy hair atop the pillow. He was facing away from Steve, belly down, with his metal arm resting near Steve, half exposed from the covers and half under a pillow. Steve swallowed hard, thinking back to when mornings like this were normal. He’d woken many a time to Bucky’s sleeping form. When he was smaller, he’d push himself into Bucky’s arms. Automatically, the larger of the two would always wrap his arms around Steve and just go back to sleep. It wasn’t so easy any more, and Steve wasn’t entirely sure how much Bucky knew. He wasn’t even sure why or _when_ Bucky had come into Steve’s room during the night.

So Steve sat up slowly, trying not to disturb the covers that barely covered Bucky’s shoulders. He saw the scars around the metal shoulder, wincing as anguish washed against his body, carrying away the shock of the morning and the small, pleasant memories of being in arms that would never truly grasp him again, because one was missing…

Bucky stirred, breathing in deep and pushing his face into the pillow. It was childlike and instantly, Steve felt a smile tug at his lips. Bucky turned over, his eyes slowly opening and looking straight at Steve.

Steve’s breath caught in the back of his throat as he looked at those plump lips, full from being pressed against the pillow. His steel-blue eyes were lazy and lidded. He looked like a porcelain doll with unkempt hair and it amazed Steve how gorgeous that looked.

Bucky fidgeted under Steve’s gaze, so Steve decided to break the silence. “When I went to sleep, there was only one person in this bed.”

Bucky stretched out his body, reaching up to pull the headboard a bit as his toes stretched as far as his ankles would let him. Steve watched his pectoral muscles tense and then relax. He licked his lips.

“I didn’t wanna be alone,” Bucky stated. “Does it bother you?” He sat up, scratching at his head.

“N-no. Just surprised me. Your arm’s cold,” Steve said, giving it a flick. The metal rang out like a quite wind chime.

Bucky looked at the arm, as if he could see the vibrations escape into the air. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Steve didn’t want to get out of bed. He wanted to crawl into Bucky’s arms and press his head against the man’s chest. He wanted to kiss down his sternum and trace his abs with the tip of his tongue. “Want breakfast?” he said instead…

Bucky turned over, pulling the covers around him. “I don’t ever remember sleeping in a bed,” he said, avoiding Steve’s question.

Steve wondered if it was because Bucky wanted to stay in bed with Steve, or if he just relished the feeling of a mattress.

Anger burned its way down Steve’s throat and hollowed out his stomach as he thought of Bucky back with HYDRA. He was sure he’d never been given a bed. He was given a cold, hard cryo chamber. He was constantly alone and tortured. “We don’t have to get up,” he said, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t want to lose it again. He’d lost it once last night. He had to keep it together. Bucky was here, he wasn’t what he once was, but Steve was certain it’d all come back.

Bucky sat up, allowing the covers to spill away from his torso, giving Steve an unobstructed view of his abs. Jesus, had Bucky gotten fitter since being with HYDRA. “Do _you_ want breakfast?” Bucky asked.

Steve blinked, realizing he’d been caught. He felt his ears go hot as he searched for something else to look at. He settled on the bed post at his feet. “Yeah. I’m a big advocate for breakfast.”

Bucky giggled. It was like a choir of cherubs. Steve couldn’t remember if Bucky had ever giggled like that before.

Steve swung his legs over the bed, feeling the loose sweatpants unfurl from being pushed up against the bed all night. He stood up, going over to the dresser to pull out a white v-neck. He felt eyes against his back, but he didn’t turn around till he’d thrown the shirt on. He turned, looking at Bucky. He could picture it the way it once was, Steve fumbling around the room, trying to find his clothes and Bucky just lounging on the bed with a cigarette lazily laced between two fingers as he stared at Steve’s ass.

It didn’t feel that long ago, but it had been… so much time had lapsed. So much had changed. There was a metal arm where a warm, strong, fleshy arm used to be. There was a shock of brown, stringy hair in place of slick, short hair. Lastly, there were dead, dull eyes in place of bright, lively ones. Steve felt his throat clench. He coughed, trying to bring himself out of his thoughts.

“I’ll go whip us up some eggs and toast. You can wear whatever shirt in there you want. Think you’ll probably fit.” Steve felt his heels fall heavily atop the floor as he walked away from Bucky, away from the memories that relentlessly attacked his mind, begging to become the present.

He got out a carton of eggs, deciding he’d eat about six and Bucky would probably do the same. Both of them had high metabolisms at this point. He jumped when he saw Bucky, sitting atop the island overlooking Steve’s shoulder. He was deathly quiet.

“Did I scare you?” Bucky asked.

Steve chuckled. “A little. Not used to you being so quiet.”

“Did I used to be loud?” The question was innocent, but it brought back so much more than Steve really wanted right now.

Yes, they _both_ had been loud. They both were loud when Bucky would make love to Steve atop the dining room table; both sweaty bodies struggling for every ounce of pleasure that they could hungrily wolf down as they moaned each other’s names, not caring if any neighbors heard. Or when Bucky had cornered Steve one night with the Howling Commandos when he’d convinced Steve to give him probably one of the most exciting blow jobs Steve had ever given.

“Steve?” Bucky said, shattering Steve’s memories and forcing him to the front lines of reality. He looked down, noticing he’d become half hard. He sighed, trying to forget about those days. They were gone. Long past.

“You were…charismatic,” Steve said, dancing around the “loud” word. “Always liked to make sure everyone heard your piece.”

Bucky nodded. “Do you want any help?”

“No, I got it,” Steve said a bit too fast. He watched as Bucky’s shoulders tensed. He’d been doing that recently. Was he afraid of Steve? Or was he afraid of upsetting Steve? Each time Steve had moved away or said something that Bucky seemed to not like, he’d become desperate to correct the situation. Steve didn’t need that. He understood that Bucky had a long process in front of him. They’d be together when the time was right, and if it never was, Steve would accept that. But he didn’t want Bucky to think he had to dance on eggshells.

“I mean,” Steve corrected. “You used to always cook for me. I wanna return the favor.”

Bucky nodded, but there was no emotion displayed on that porcelain face. His lips were flat against his face as he stared at Steve, it was like he wasn’t even alive. Steve couldn’t blame him though. He’d been basically dead and depraved of human life for so long, Bucky probably didn’t know how to interact or feel anymore. The thought crushed Steve. If Bucky couldn't feel anymore... What did that mean for them?

He finished the eggs, turning around to ask Bucky how he wanted his, but furrowed his brow when Bucky was no longer there. He turned the burner on low, poking his head into the room Bucky had originally gone to sleep in, and then into Steve’s room, but he wasn’t there. He knocked on the bathroom, but didn’t see him there either. Worried, Steve ran for his phone, scrolling down to Tony’s number. Before he could hit the dial button, Bucky was walking back in from the balcony.

Steve set the phone back down, his brow still creased as he walked up to Bucky. “Where’d you go?”

“I just wanted to see if we had a balcony. I like being outside.”

Steve’s eyes softened. Of course he liked being outside. Years of being caged… It was a wonder Bucky was even standing inside right now. “We can eat outside,” Steve suggested. “Food’s ready. Just gotta make the toast.”

Bucky nodded.

“You can go out. I’ll bring it to you.”

Bucky hesitated. Something crossed his face that Steve couldn’t quite understand. It was a mixture of turmoil and hope. Steve wasn’t sure how Bucky could even mix the two, but there it was.

“…You sure?” Bucky asked. “I can…”

“Bucky. Outside,” Steve demanded through a small smile.

Bucky nodded, turning on his heel to go outside. Steve watched his feet. He walked from toe to heel. It was so unnatural but he moved like water. It was effortless; second nature. Steve guessed that’s why he was so soft-footed.

He plopped the bread into the toaster and waited impatiently for it to pop. Bucky was different. He was fragile, and scared, but occasionally there’d be parts of him that showed through. His strength and his compassion weren't things he could hide. He’d just pulled Steve into him last night, like he’d done years ago. He’d spoken such words of encouragement. Bucky was still in there. He just needed a bit of encouragement. Steve was willing to be patient.

The toast popped up. Steve plopped the pieces onto the plates and brought them out to Bucky. He was overlooking the balcony, looking straight down. “Careful,” Steve warned, setting the plates down and rushing behind Bucky. He placed one hand on Bucky’s shoulder and another at the small of his back to steady him.

Bucky laughed. “I like the rush of looking down. I’m not gunna fall.”

Steve eyed Bucky warily before releasing the other, but he didn’t sit down. The idea of Bucky looking over the balcony and all the way down unnerved Steve. He wasn’t going to lose Bucky to another fall. He’d noticed that Bucky never cared about the small bits of intimate touching. It was hopeful. Maybe deep down…Bucky knew?

Bucky seemed to sense Steve’s worrying, because he released the balcony and plopped down into the seat, pulling his plate closer to him. He eyed the eggs and picked up a piece of toast, analyzing it.

“Something wrong?” Steve asked as he sat down at his plate.

“I don’t know if I like this,” Bucky said.

The words were so simple, but Steve felt his heart twist. Did HYDRA ever feed him? “You used to eat about anything,” Steve responded. “I wouldn’t lead you astray.”

Bucky nibbled a small bite of the toast. He scrunched up his nose.

“Eat it with the eggs on it. You always ate it like that.”

Bucky listened. It was astonishing how trusting he was. Steve could probably tell him to put XXX Hot Sauce on the eggs till they were dripping with the stuff and Bucky would do it. He wondered how much of that was HYDRA and how much of that was Bucky Barnes trusting Steve Rogers.

“Okay, I do like this,” Bucky said as he chewed his food. He flashed a small half-smile and Steve felt like he was back in 1943, watching Bucky from across a table as he wolfed down whatever food that was in front of his face.

Steve chewed his food thoughtfully as they both fell into comfortable silence. Bucky was different, but it wasn’t so much that he couldn’t recognize his best friend; his lover. He held his orange juice in the air, his gaze trailing off after Bucky who’d already finished inhaling his food and was back to looking straight down over the railing.

Steve stood up, standing next to Bucky. He really didn’t like him leaning over the railing like that.

Bucky leaned back, looking at Steve. His eyes were dark and for a moment there was a flash of conflicted emotions that dashed across his features, but he then smiled.

“Wanna go for a walk? May help you remember some stuff. We can check out our old places and our high school?”

Bucky nodded. “You sure Stark’ll be okay with that?”

“Tony doesn’t own me. As long as you stick close we’ll be fine.”

“You think it’ll help?” Bucky asked, his face hardening. “You think I’ll remember anything?”

“You remember you like eggs and toast. I consider that progress,” Steve teased. Bucky didn’t smile though. “You okay?”

Bucky seemed taken aback. His mouth hung open for a moment. Steve wanted to lean in. He wanted to curl his fingers into Bucky’s hair and pull him so close that their lips collided, but he didn’t. He waited patiently for Bucky to respond.

“Yeah. Just…” Bucky looked out at the city, gesturing with his flesh hand. “It just doesn’t seem real. I keep thinking I’m gunna wake up from cryo with a new assignment.”

Steve’s jaw clenched as he thought about Bucky, frozen and cold inside a cryo chamber, blissful and frozen in time till someone wakes him and he’s right back to the nightmare. He pulled Bucky into a hug, wishing so badly that he could just turn his lips in and press them against Bucky’s temple. “You’re here with me now,” he said softly, smiling as Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s torso. “You’re going to wake up every day with me and HYDRA is never going to hurt you ever again.”

Bucky breathed in heavily, resting his head on Steve’s shoulder. “I remember…this.” At first, Steve didn’t know what Bucky was pertaining to, but Bucky kept talking. “I remember your arms. They’re bigger now though.”

Steve smiled, squeezing Bucky a bit tighter. Yes, his arms were bigger. He was bigger. Bucky had known that, but he thought Bucky was speaking from a time before the serum, which gave him so much hope.

Bucky pulled away first; a light blush dusting across his cheekbones. He turned toward the door, but his eyes didn’t break from Steve’s till he physically couldn’t keep looking.

Steve stood there, watching as Bucky closed the door to go back inside. He heaved a large sigh, feeling his stomach flipping. He could do this. He could handle Bucky this close, yet being so far away. He could be patient. He said he’d be patient. He said he would be okay if they never were together again.

But that had been a lie. He needed Bucky again. He needed Bucky so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!


	3. New York Hot Dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind words and support for this story! It's really been a treat getting to hear your thoughts. As a writer, I always feel like I'm only seeing one side of my stories, so I love hearing how you're seeing it and your thoughts.
> 
> Brace yourselves...the feels are coming. (Yay Game of Thrones joke!)

Bucky walked the streets of New York like a tourist. He pushed his face against every window, stopped at every vendor’s table on the corners and listened to the countless languages spoken around him. He occasionally spoke back if he understood them. He loved seeing their reactions. A lot of the people instantly warmed up to him, others were embarrassed he’d heard them talking about how good looking Steve was.

He turned back, looking at Steve in his brown leather jacket and blue jeans. He looked like a western model. _‘Why do I know what a western model is?’_ His hair was spiked atop his head, lazily pointing in every direction and his face was smooth and clear of blemishes or scruff. Bucky touched his face, feeling the bristles of a light beard starting. He’d need to shave soon.

He smiled, trying his best to make it look genuine. He’d been struggling recently with making the smiles large and bright. He was sure he wasn’t there yet, but Steve always smiled back. Bucky wished he could make his smile sparkle like Steve’s did. Steve’s smile lit up his entire face like a crystal catching the light. Bucky was astounded at how he managed to do that. He’d have to practice in front of a mirror.

Steve caught up, placing a firm hand on Bucky’s metal shoulder. Bucky paused, looking up expectedly at Steve. There was a moment where Steve looked like he’d lost himself; his eyes had glazed over and went unfocused. Bucky shrugged his shoulder, just enough to snap Steve back into the present. Bucky hoped Steve wasn’t second guessing his identity. He’d never understood how Steve just accepted him as James Barnes. They looked almost identical, sure, but there was a personality that Bucky couldn’t emulate, a spark that just didn’t want to catch; it was infuriating not being able to achieve such lively expressions that Barnes had in his pictures.

“You remembering anything?” Steve finally asked.

Bucky shrugged. “It seems familiar, but it’s too bright.” He’d known from the file that back in the 30’s and 40’s, New York wasn’t so full of electronic advertising. It was a lie that was too easy to tell, and the hope that it brought out in Steve’s eyes was worth every false syllable.

“It’s not what it used to be, but it’s still New York.” Steve inhaled deeply. “Smells the same.”

“Like body odor and something burning?” Bucky asked, genuinely curious. It wasn’t entirely as bad as Bucky made it out to smell like, but he was pretty proud of his comparison.

Steve laughed, ruffling Bucky’s hair. The motion was innocent and friendly, but Steve’s eyes rounded and he recoiled. “S-sorry,” he mumbled.

Bucky couldn’t figure out how to look empathetic, so he shrugged. “You’re good, Rogers.” His voice was flat but he still earned a small smile out of Steve. They started walking again, side by side into the sea of bodies that enveloped them like hungry snakes that twirled and coiled around them. Bucky caught Steve’s gaze several times, the guy just wouldn’t let Bucky out of his sight. Bucky felt his feet tingle, like he’d just gone for a run. Had he run with Steve before? No…he’d just met him yesterday…right?

“We gotta stop here,” Steve said, pointing to a hot dog stand. “Your life hasn’t truly begun without a New York hot dog.” His accent was more pronounced, as if the very city was coaxing it out of him, intoxicating him with its smells, scenery and people.

 Bucky liked New York. He liked looking up at the sky and seeing the tall buildings that loomed over. He liked seeing all the people going about their ordinary lives, unaware that he could kill at least fifty of them before police could even arrive on scene. It was so busy. Bucky had been so used to HYDRA and his confinement that he didn’t realize how much harder he had to work to breathe in the dark pits of the bank. It was so much lighter up here, so much easier to just inhale deeply and exhale all his worries.

“Bucky?” Steve asked. His brow was knit and he his hands were at his sides, ready to lunge if needed.

Bucky felt his heart sink. It seemed that Steve still wasn’t entirely comfortable around Bucky. The mission had just begun, sure, but Bucky had been so caught up the small, intimate interactions of the morning and the night before that he’d forgotten he needed to make the other man realize he was alive as James Barnes; he’d allowed Steve to touch him without consent, and he’d pulled Steve into him as the man cried. Subtly wasn’t exactly Bucky’s style but it was all necessary now. Bucky needed to coax Steve into believing that he was James Barnes, which required pretending to get memories back, which required maybe a push or two so Steve felt safe around Bucky. “I’m fine, Steve. Just enjoying the smell of hot dogs,” Bucky said. “I like hot dogs.” It was another lie, he had no idea if he liked them or not, but he sure was going to pretend it was the best thing ever if it aided HYDRA.

Steve got in line, a small smile tugging at his lips. Bucky followed, cocking his head to the side curiously. “What?” he asked, blinking his steel-blue eyes.

“You loved hot dogs,” Steve began. “When you were broke, you lived off them. When you had money, you still lived off them, only you went out to buy them from the stands.”

Of course James Barnes loved hot dogs… and Bucky cursed inwardly that he’d stated he’d only liked them. He took a step closer to the hot dog stand as the line moved forward. “What’s your favorite food?”

“Apple pie,” Steve said without any hesitation. “Though I can appreciate a good hot dog too.”

Bucky scrunched up his lips as he allowed himself to slip back into his thoughts. HYDRA was counting on him, or at least he thought they were. No one had come after him. No one was contacting him either. He wondered how Rumlow was. It’d been a month, but Bucky had no idea how extensive the injury had been. He’d lost contact with HYDRA the day Project Insight went down and Pierce died.

Guilt clawed its way up Bucky’s throat as he thought of Pierce. The man had ambition, desire, passion… He was the embodiment of the future and this world had destroyed him. Bucky hadn’t been there to protect him because he was out trying to prove to Steve he was James Barnes. This was Pierce’s legacy. Everything counted on Bucky now, and he wasn’t going to let Pierce down, even in death.

“Want relish?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded. He didn’t know what relish was and was rather put off when he saw the chunky green stuff that slathered up his hot dog, but he was going to eat it anyway. He’d eat it for Pierce.

Steve had paid for the hot dogs and the pair went to sit on a bench. Bucky watched the people walk by, taking note of the ways people moved. Some people were jerky or blocky, while others moved like feathers against skin. Why’d he know that sensation? He furrowed his brow, trying to think on the sensation. It was unique and it was ghosting up his left, bionic arm…

“You like it?” Steve asked, staring intently at Bucky.

Bucky took another bite, nodding enthusiastically. He didn’t like how sweet the relish was, but the mustard helped calm it down a bit. He wasn’t that big a fan of hot dogs… Guess that was just another thing he and James Barnes didn’t have in common.

Steve seemed to notice Bucky’s behavior, because he sighed, leaning back as he wrapped his arm atop the bench’s backrest. “We can head back if this is too overwhelming for you.”

Bucky forced himself to swallow the soggy hot dog. _‘This shit's disgusting…’_ he thought bitterly. He suppressed the urge to vomit.

“You’re not looking too good,” Steve said, his hand coming to rest on Bucky’s back. Bucky groaned, unable to deal with the hot dog anymore.

“M’sorry,” he mumbled, swallowing the last bit of the dog. “I don’t like hot dogs…” He looked up just in time to see the concern lace itself into Steve’s eyes. Bucky was doing such a shit job at this mission. How could he get Steve to trust him enough if he couldn’t even pretend to be James Barnes correctly? There had to be another way.

“Taste buds change every seven years or something,” Steve said, obviously trying to find a logical reason for why his James Barnes wouldn’t enjoy a hot dog. “I'm sure we’ll find other foods you still enjoy.”

_‘But Barnes loved hot dogs…’_

Bucky leaned back, looking up at the sky. He loved seeing the clouds swarm lazily up in that big, blue sky. “I wanna go back.”

Steve stood up, walking a few steps ahead of Bucky back in the direction of the tower. He cocked a brow when Bucky went the opposite direction. “Hey, Bucky that’s the wrong way!”

“I meant back to our old places,” Bucky said, feeling rather proud that he’d figured out a different way to lead Steve along in this mission.

“You remember that?”

It was in the file. “I think so. Wanna join me?” He outstretched his hand. Steve eyed it for a moment. Bucky could tell there was some sort of inner monologue going on beneath those eyes. Steve took Bucky’s hand, offering a small smile. He pulled a hat out of his jacket pocket and pushed it down over his brow.

“What, you embarrassed to be holding my hand?” Bucky teased. He noticed Steve’s ears go red.

“N-no,” Steve said hastily. “It’s just…I’m Captain America.”

Bucky furrowed his brow, pausing in his steps as he tried to understand that logic. What did that have to do with anything? Captain America was a soldier, an ex SHIELD agent, an iconic image. He was well known, respected, probably even highly coveted. The pieces started to fall into place as Bucky analyzed Steve’s shoulders as they dipped. He released the man’s hand. “I get it,” he said, surprised at how bitter his voice sounded. He felt...disappointed. 

“B-Bucky,” Steve said as he moved to catch up with Bucky’s strides. “I’m always being watched. People are always pulling their phones out to take pictures of me or record me. Did you see the guy at the hot dog line taking a picture with me?”

Bucky hadn’t. He’d been too caught up in his own mind.

“It wasn’t okay back then either,” Steve said. He clearly hadn’t meant to say that, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought up his hand to cover his mouth.

Bucky stopped, knitting his brow together as he pushed his lips into a hard line. “What wasn’t okay?”

“We can talk about it later.”

Bucky ran his tongue along the inside of his teeth, deciding if he should press on this or not. He noticed Steve’s body language though, he was tense and on alert. It wasn’t good to have this conversation out in the open. Though something good was coming from this. He’d officially confirmed that Captain Steve Rogers and Sergeant James Barnes had been lovers.

* * *

 

Bucky had led Steve to where Steve used to live. He looked up at the building, seeing the boards that hid the windows and noticed the graffiti. There were a few men loitering around on the corner of the street but Bucky wasn’t worried about them.

“Times haven't been kind, huh?” Steve asked, coming to stand next to Bucky. “I feel a lot like this apartment building.”

“What do you mean?” Bucky inquired, looking back up at the structure.

“Like a shell. I used to be something. I used to mean something. I had friends and…family.” The hurt in his voice was as evident as rain on a cloudy, muggy morning. “I’m still not used to this…time. No matter who I befriend, or what I do. I still feel like I’m…not quite right.”

Bucky remained silent, shuffling his feet as he thought of something to say. Steve was hurting. He’d always been hurting. Since the day James Barnes died, Steve Rogers had felt his heart fall from his chest. He’d endured the ice, only to wake up and relive the fact that Barnes was dead. He had to go day-to-day knowing that everyone he loved was either dead or dying. Every day he had to look in the mirror and realize all his mistakes and regrets.

Bucky grabbed Steve’s hand, not caring if Steve was going to react badly. Something inside Bucky triggered, like an alarm blaring. It was controlling him and he didn’t quite understand what it exactly was, but it was warm, and he enjoyed its sensation. “Thing is…” Bucky began. “You don’t have to be alone.” He watched Steve’s neck muscles tense. “Cause I’m with you…”

Tears silently fell from Steve’s eyes. He let out a shaky breath, squeezing Bucky’s hand till it almost hurt. He looked toward the sky, letting the tears slide down his cheeks and down his neck. “Till the end of the line,” Steve said in a raspy voice. “I’m with you…till the end of the line.”

It was Bucky’s turn to be startled. Those words… _‘I know those words… Why do I know those words? '_

Steve wiped his tears with the cuff of his jacket. He laced his fingers with Bucky’s.

Bucky didn’t pull away. He didn’t want to. This was what friends did. This was what lovers did. If James Barnes had been Steve’s lover, then Bucky was going to be Steve’s lover too. He didn’t know entirely what that meant, but he’d do it. He’d do it for HYDRA…

…He’d do it for Steve.

* * *

 

It was dark before they got back to the tower. Tony was standing just outside the revolving doors; his arms were crossed and he sported a very disappointed face. Steve rolled his lips in, sucking on them before going up to Tony. “We miss curfew?” he said, trying to make light of the situation.

Tony looked to Bucky, his gaze was heavy; calculating. He didn’t trust Bucky, Steve was very sure about that, but Tony trusted Steve and for now, it was evident that Tony would sit back and watch this play out. Steve was thankful for that. The Winter Soldier was now a known entity. He was a wanted man. Tony could easily report Bucky and then he’d be ripped from Steve’s arms again.

“I said not to wander far from the tower,” Tony stated. His voice carried a lot of authority. Steve felt himself instantly feeling guilty for disobeying.

“Bucky just wanted to see my old apartment,” Steve said, looking over to Bucky. His eyes were shadowed, like two hollow holes in a skull. Steve winced.

“Well…next time you two pull a stunt like that, don’t think I won’t show up in a shiny suit yelling obscenities,” Tony warned, turning on his heel and pushing through the revolving door.

Steve sighed. Today had started out looking like there'd be little progress, but by the time they’d arrived at his old apartment, things had started to fall into place. Bucky was there… his Bucky… He was just buried deep under HYDRA’s years of brainwashing, cryo and the memory wipes. Steve was sure that if he spent more time with Bucky that his old self would slowly start showing up more and more.

_‘But he doesn’t like hot dogs.’_

They’d walked silently into the tower, going to the elevator. Neither looked at the other and neither decided to speak. It was clear Bucky was just as deep in his head as Steve was in his. Bucky had been that way all day long. Steve wished he’d tell him what was on his mind.

Bucky used to be so animated. Steve could read his face like the pages of a book back in the day. If Bucky was feeling particularly reserved, Steve used to have to kiss it out of him. He’d start at the tops of those high cheek bones; work down along the smooth bone before trailing down to the sides of Bucky’s lips. _G_ od, he missed those lips. He’d take his tongue and trace the bottom lip, usually earning enough laughter to break Bucky’s silence. It always worked. Steve was sure that kind of stunt wouldn’t fly with this Bucky though… This Bucky was colder no matter how hard he tried not to be. And Steve could see he was trying in earnest. He didn’t know if it was more for Bucky’s sake or his own though.

They’d arrived at their suite. Bucky shuffled off the elevator first, stretching out his neck and shoulders as he walked. “I’m beat,” he said softly.

Steve followed silently, thinking of the days where those words would lead to snuggling on the bed as they listened to whatever was on the radio, looking out the window. “Wanna watch some TV?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head. Steve watched as the strands of hair whisked from side to side with the motion. He missed Bucky’s old, sharp hair, but he wasn’t going to suggest a haircut. He knew Bucky wasn’t ready for that. “I wanna talk to you,” Bucky said instead.

Steve felt his heart flutter. He sat on the couch, resting his arm atop its back. He watched as Bucky’s brow knit. He listened to his increased breathing as it went from silent to soft, short little huffs. He was nervous. “Bucky…” Steve said. He cocked his head to the side. “It’s okay.”

Bucky ran the tip of his tongue along his top lip slowly. “About earlier,” he started. He stood in front of Steve, shifting his weight from side to side.

“Look, I’m sorry,” Steve interjected. “That was rude. I didn’t mean to push you away-”

“You didn’t push me away,” Bucky said firmly. He kneeled in front of Steve, placing his hands on Steve’s knees. Steve felt his breathing hitch in the back of his throat. Now it was him that was breathing in short huffs.

“I get it. You’re Captain America. You’ve got people looking up to you and stuff,” Bucky said, his eyes downcast and off to the side. Steve wished he’d just look at him. No, no he didn’t. If Bucky looked at him, Steve would kiss him. He couldn’t push himself on Bucky. He said he’d be patient. But God, was it ever hard to be patient when Bucky was right there. He wasn’t the same, sure. He behaved differently, moved differently and even had different parts, but he was still James Barnes. It was still there. It was the subtle way he’d grabbed Steve’s hand and the comforting words he’d uttered at the old apartment. Bucky was still there.

“You said something though,” Bucky said, his voice trailing off. He bit his bottom lip.

Steve had to suck his lips in to keep from claiming that red mouth with his.

“About that it wasn’t…okay…before.” Bucky was leading him into the conversation, forcing him into a funnel so that Steve had no option but to answer. He was so much smarter than the old Bucky used to be.

“Do you really want to know?” Steve asked. He squeezed the couch, doing his best not to interlock his hands into those brown tresses that draped Bucky’s face.

Bucky nodded. “Please.”

Steve fought off the urge to moan. Why was this turning him on so badly? Bucky’s eyes were open; clear of their murky, dead demeanor from before. They were cold, but they were crystal-blue and round and innocent and…Jesus…

“We were together,” Steve breathed out. _‘If you keep your hands there much longer….’_

Bucky must have sensed how deep his touch was affecting Steve, because he sat back on his heels, placing his hands into his lap. He looked like a child…sitting there waiting to be told a bed time story. He’d sucked his bottom lip in and was just letting it slide out; slowly, tauntingly.

 Steve swallowed hard, trying to center himself as his hands began to shake. He didn’t know how Bucky would react. Would he get angry? Would he be happy? Confused? Afraid? Curious? There were so many alternatives that Steve couldn’t picture which was the most plausible, but Bucky wanted to know, and Steve wasn’t going to lie to him. “Lovers,” he clarified.

He listened as Bucky let out a long sigh. Bucky’s shoulders slumped. He looked a bit relieved. Maybe he’d known all along? Maybe he…remembered?

“Say something,” Steve said, anxious to not be the only voice he heard in the room.

Bucky stood up, it was abrupt and rather unsettling as he loomed momentarily over Steve. “I need to shave.”

Steve sat there with his mouth hanging open as Bucky walked into the bathroom. That was it? That was the reaction? Steve wanted to follow Bucky. He wanted to press those thoughts out of that man’s clouded, dark head! He felt completely and utterly embarrassed and way too revealed for his comfort, but Bucky had been the one whom he shared all those memories with! The very man that walked into the bathroom to shave was the very man that had held him at night; that moaned his name softly as Steve had rocked his hips into him… That man… That was Bucky. That had been Bucky. How could they have shared such a strong bond, such a strong love and this be the result of it? It had been cultivated for years, stemming awkwardly from high school and into their adult lives. All that sacrifice, all those nights of hiding it and pretending that one day they’d just find a way to be together and this was the result?

Steve wanted to break down. Instead…he sat there, staring at his shoes as he slowly kicked them off, not caring that he hadn’t taken them off right at the door. He couldn’t hear the buzzing of the electric razor, so Steve could only assume Bucky was using a knife. It would take longer that way. Was Bucky avoiding him? Was this how he showed he was upset about their past? Was he disgusted?

Steve sucked down a large gulp of air, trying to calm his nerves. He’d speak to Bucky like an adult. They’d have this conversation. Bucky had opened it up, so Steve wasn’t going to sit there and let it end like this. Ever since the day when Bucky pulled Steve from the Potomac, Steve spent countless hours doing all he could to find Bucky. He’d devised plans, travel routes, made calls… He’d done everything without physically leaving D.C in the hopes he’d find Bucky again. He wasn’t going to lose him over this…because there was no reason for it. They had been lovers. That man in the bathroom and him. They had been lovers and Steve wasn’t going to just let that go!

He heard the door creak as Bucky came out of the bathroom. His face was clean shaven, but that wasn’t why Steve was staring, slack jawed and dumbfounded. Bucky had cut his hair. It wasn’t entirely a clean cut and some strands were longer than others, but he’d used some gel that Steve kept in the bathroom to smooth it to one side. He looked exactly like he did the day he fell from the train.

“C’mere,” Bucky breathed out.

Steve was up in an instant. He pulled Bucky into a strong hug, feeling his arms start to shake as he kept seeing Bucky’s old smile in his mind, hearing his old laugh ghosting around him. This wasn’t…exactly the Bucky he remembered, but the man was trying to be his old self. Steve couldn’t expect him to be the same after all the horror he’d experienced. He’d been foolish to think it possible.

Bucky pressed a soft kiss into Steve’s jaw line. It was light; innocent, but it was all that Steve needed to push him over. He needed this. He needed Bucky. He’d waited too long to be reunited with him. He crushed their lips together hungrily, earning a surprised yelp from Bucky’s throat. He pushed the slightly smaller man against the wall, pulling Bucky’s hands into his and lacing them at their sides as he tickled his tongue against Bucky’s, as if he was waiting for permission to explore Bucky’s hot mouth.

Bucky hesitated, which made Steve nervous and he instantly pulled away, but he kept their chests pressed together. “I’m sorry,” he breathed out.

Bucky’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes were full of an emotion that Steve wasn’t entirely sure he could understand. Fear? Sadness?

“Don’t stop,” Bucky said, jerking his chin up lightly, like he wanted Steve’s mouth but he just couldn’t risk being the one to clash their lips. Steve was all too happy to oblige. He let go of Bucky’s hands, feeling the cold steel of Bucky’s arm wrap around the back of his neck as Bucky hugged him closely, pressing their bodies flesh against each other.

Steve’s lips met Bucky’s once more. Their kiss was deeper, more desperate. Their tongues lolled against each other, like waves greeting white beaches. Steve lifted Bucky up, wrapping the man’s legs around his torso.

Bucky moaned.

Steve had never done this before… Bucky had always been the one to claim him. He wasn’t sure he’d know entirely what to do but he didn’t want any reason to back down now. He had Bucky. Bucky was here and in his arms and he was kissing him as feverishly as Steve was kissing Bucky. It was there. Their love was still there.

Steve broke off the kiss, placing wet, sloppy kisses down Bucky’s smooth jaw line, then down along the veins in his neck. Steve lightly traced the pulsating veins with his tongue, smiling as he earned a soft giggle from Bucky.

Their dynamic had changed. Bucky used to be Steve’s protector. His guardian angel. At night, Bucky would hold Steve so close it was if they’d blend into one being. It was Steve’s turn. Steve would protect Bucky. He’d look over Bucky like a guardian angel. _He’d_ hold Bucky so close at night it would be like they’d blend into one being.

He carried Bucky into the bedroom, still lapping at whatever skin he could reach, nibbling softly at the sensitive skin, relishing in the soft hisses Bucky released as the pain was just enough to get a rise out of him.

He dropped Bucky onto the bed, kissing him passionately a few times before breaking off and removing his shirt. It was then he saw Bucky’s shaking fingers. He grabbed them, petting them with his own fingers. “We don’t have to do this. We can go slow.” He didn’t want to go slow. He wanted this now. He needed this, but he was willing to sacrifice anything when it came to Bucky.

Bucky’s eyes were downcast. Steve couldn’t guess what he was thinking in the darkness of the room. “I…” he said softly. “I don’t know what I want.”

Steve pulled Bucky into his lap, turning him around so his back was against Steve’s chest. “Well then I’m not doing anything till you say it’s okay.”

Bucky had suffered enough at the hands of HYDRA. He’d been through enough mental rape. Steve wasn’t going to add physical to that list either, if it hadn’t already been added….

Bucky leaned his head back, nipping at Steve’s chin. “I want you,” he whispered. “I just…don’t know how.”

Steve laughed. It clearly startled Bucky as his back muscles tensed, but Steve couldn’t help it. They were both fish, floundering around and grabbing at straws then. “We can take this slow,” he said lowly, kissing Bucky’s shoulder slowly, sucking in the skin and lapping at it lovingly.

Bucky hummed in content. Steve needed that sound. He laced his fingers with Bucky’s as he kept kissing Bucky’s shoulder, inching closer to Bucky’s neck as he kept nipping and lapping at the skin; dotting that porcelain skin with glistening wet kisses.

“Is this what lovers do?” Bucky asked. Steve watched as he crossed his legs, curling in his toes. He was too scared. It was evident in his body language. No matter the words, Steve knew these small expressions. Steve had become fluent in Bucky’s body language years ago.

“It’s optional,” Steve answered.

Bucky turned in Steve’s arms, wrapping his legs around Steve’s torso. “I want to…”

Steve bit his bottom lip as he felt Bucky’s hard-on press against his stomach. As much as Steve wanted to…this wasn’t right. Bucky was holding back. There was too much fear in his body language, no matter what his body was saying. His voice was uneven and shaking. Steve couldn’t bring himself to take advantage of Bucky. He was too impressionable. Steve was going to need the longest cold shower…

“We’re not doing this,” Steve stated. His brows shot up as Bucky responded with a panicked expression. “It’s okay,” he said, lightly brushing his fingers up and down Bucky’s arms; metal and flesh. “We’ve got the rest of our lives for this.”

Bucky pressed his head into Steve’s chest. “I don’t…know what I’m doing…” he cried, his voice finally breaking as his shoulders shook with slow sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

Steve cupped Bucky’s face, raising it to meet Steve’s eyes. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

Bucky huffed, it was cynical and alarming to Steve, but he tried to ignore it, wishing Bucky would come out and say what was on the surface of his mind. Bucky pressed his lips softly against Steve’s. The kiss was soft, slow and uncertain, but it spoke volumes to Steve. Bucky wasn’t ready, but he was trying. He was trying for Steve…

“I never dreamed of finding someone like you,” Bucky said, dropping his head into Steve’s shoulder. “I knew guys as big as you…but none of them looked after me the way you do.”

Steve furrowed his brow, realizing Bucky was speaking about HYDRA. He wrapped his arms around Bucky, using one hand to trace thoughtless figures against Bucky’s back, wincing each time as he felt another scar. “We don’t have to talk about this,” Steve whispered.

“I want to,” Bucky said, whispering back. “I need you to know.”

Steve nodded into the darkness, unsure if Bucky knew he had or not. His eyes glazed over as he thought of the experiments, the torture, the brainwashing… Bucky had faced horrors. If Steve hadn’t put that plane into the ice… If he’d come back to look for Bucky…

“No one’s ever talked to me the way you do,” Bucky said, kissing Steve’s shoulder. “Or looked at me the way you do.” He kissed the crook of Steve’s neck.

Steve closed his eyes in response to the sensation.

“Or respected me the way you do…” He kissed Steve’s lips; his pink tongue jutting out to trace Steve’s bottom lip before placing another kiss against Steve’s lips.

Steve’s mind was clouding again. If he didn’t stop this, he’d come to resent himself for pushing Bucky too far come morning. “Bucky…” he gasped. He stopped Bucky from going in for another kiss as he pushed the man’s shoulder’s back, locking their gazes.

“I don’t…” The look of confusion that feathered down against Bucky’s face was astonishing. “I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You’re not gunna lose me,” Steve breathed, smiling goofily. “Till the end of the line, pal.”

Bucky scrunched up his face, like he felt those words were out of place. Perhaps they were, at least at this point in time. Perhaps he’d uttered only part of them at the apartment because only that part had come back. Steve had to keep remembering that for all the small bits of Bucky that shined through, this man was still a new Bucky. He’d had around seventy years of HYDRA. He’d had to reinvent himself each and every time, even if he didn’t realize he was doing it.

“So…what do we do now?” Bucky asked, cocking a smooth brow.

Steve laughed, pressing his head lightly against Bucky’s shoulder before looking back up. “Take cold showers and awkwardly make conversation later?”

The laugh that Steve earned from Bucky was breathtaking. It was carefree; light. Bucky’s crooked smile melted the icy shadows of his face.

Steve reached up, tracing those swollen lips with his thumb. Bucky only responded by parting his lips more. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” Steve kissed Bucky’s cheek lightly.

“I don’t know what beauty really is,” Bucky responded honestly. “But I think it’s you.”

Steve chuckled. He pulled Bucky’s legs up gently, before releasing himself from their grasp. He stood up, awkwardly pulling at the fabric that had bunched around his penis. It was still half hard. He really wished he didn’t have as much morality as he had. He could be half way through making love to Bucky by now.

I’m…gunna go take a shower,” he said awkwardly, before shrugging and skittering out of the room. He smiled into the dark hallway as he heard Bucky’s laugh from behind the door.

* * *

 

Bucky face-planted the bed, groaning into the pillows. He said he’d do anything for Pierce’s mission to succeed. He said he’d be Steve’s lover. He’d gotten so far! He rolled over, staring up at the ceiling fan that spun lazily in the silver moonlight. It had felt good…kissing Steve. It certainly warmed his insides and brought forth an aching, throbbing sensation in his dick. Why was he so scared? He was sure that Steve would never hurt James Barnes and that was even more evident at Steve’s rejection of Bucky’s advances when he couldn’t control his shaking.

Bucky had been so confident the haircut and shave would work too… He looked just like Barnes now. He wondered if HYDRA had altered his face for this mission. He wouldn’t be surprised. How else would he look _identical_ to the late James Barnes? Today had started out rocky, but it had gotten better at Rogers’ old apartment, and it had only gotten better after they’d gotten back to the tower, but it had all backfired. Bucky had failed. He’d been so caught up in being worried about how he was feeling that he just couldn’t go forward with it.

He’d been so caught off guard by how attached he was feeling to Steve that it completely blocked his ability to turn off and let Steve do whatever he wanted to his body. He’d been so afraid that if this happened, he would be compromised. Steve was captivating. Once Bucky had started kissing him, he never wanted to stop. The exhilaration that had tickled his insides like an explosion of butterflies was intoxicating. He wasn’t prepared for this. He wasn’t prepared to feel so…alive.

He sat up, listening to the shower’s rhythm as Steve stood under the streams. Bucky tried to picture what he looked like naked. He’d felt Steve’s cock against his own as their legs had intertwined. He’d felt big. It startled Bucky at how excited that made him feel. He felt his fingers start to shake again.

Steve was…so unique. HYDRA would be blessed to have such a soldier at their disposal. He could do so much for them; much more than the Asset had ever done. Steve wasn’t the type to hide in the shadows. He led from the front. He captivated audiences and swayed hearts. Bucky couldn’t picture Steve being frozen in cryo, waiting to be pulled out for the occasional kill mission. He was a leader.

Which was why Bucky’s hands started to shake so much more as he wrapped his arms around his torso. Steve wouldn’t be good for Red Room. If he couldn’t be persuaded to HYDRA’s cause…

Bucky was going to have to put a bullet between those beautiful eyes…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor blue balls Steve.
> 
> Poor Bucky. Why do I enjoy torturing him so much? I should be ashamed....
> 
> ....but I'm not. X'DDD
> 
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!


	4. ...That Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: In case you somehow missed all the tags before, this story does contain sexy stuff. Warning...sexy stuff. Kind of. It's awkward. But it's still considered sexy. X'D
> 
> I wanted to take another moment to thank everyone who has supported this story! It really means a lot. I love getting to share my obsessions...I mean my creative outlets with you all and I do hope you stick around! Stuffs gettin' good! (In my bias opinion....)

They’d been together for several weeks now. Bucky had started to keep a notebook that evaluated his progress with Steve and his “recommendations.” He resided in turmoil over his decisions. Each bullet point he had was another reason he had to find a way to convince Steve HYDRA was a cause getting behind because each bullet point was another reason why Steve wouldn't work for Red Room. 

He liked Steve. He enjoyed their “date nights” where Steve took him to a restaurant to introduce him to foods he’d never experienced. He liked their walks along the rocky shores of the Hudson River and how they got to hold hands the entire time. He even liked spending movie nights with Steve’s friends.

Being a lover wasn’t difficult. Everything came so naturally to Bucky that it was like he’d done it in a past life. Perhaps he had been with someone before HYDRA saved him, but he didn’t know anymore. James Barnes had been with Steve Rogers, and Bucky was going to be with Steve Rogers, at least until he reported back to HYDRA and waited for their answers of his evaluations.

He still had no contact from them. It was starting to worry Bucky. What if he’d been abandoned? What if they thought he was dead? He stared at his notebook, thinking about being utterly alone in the world with no HYDRA agents to keep watch of him. It was harrowing and made Bucky shiver. He couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to return to D.C to speak to Rumlow. Rumlow was the only one left that Bucky knew by name. Bucky needed to see him.

Bucky looked up from the pages of his notebook as Steve walked in, carrying several paper bags full to the brim with groceries. Bucky stood up, making sure to slam his notes shut before grabbing one of the bags from Steve. Luckily Steve encouraged Bucky too keep a "journal" and kept away from it. Tony Stark on the other hand was another story...and Bucky had to always hide the notebook where the man couldn't find it.

Steve smiled, thanking Bucky silently for the help.

“Got stuff to make enchilada casserole since you liked it so much last time,” Steve said as he started to unpack the groceries; opening up all the cabinets for easier access.

Bucky’s gaze scanned the cans of beans, the raw beef and some of the spices. “Will you teach me how to cook?” he asked.

Steve paused as he opened the refrigerator, getting ready to put some orange juice away. “You wanna learn to cook?”

Bucky shrugged, jumping up to sit on the island so he could swing his feet. “I feel like a leech. I just wanna do something for you.”

Steve sighed, walking over to Bucky. He pressed his body between Bucky’s legs, cupping Bucky’s face and running his fingers through Bucky’s hair with the other. “You’re not a leech.”

Bucky felt uncomfortable under Steve’s heavy gaze. Ever since the night Bucky cut his hair, they hadn’t done anything like that again, but Bucky could tell Steve wanted to. Steve’s interactions with Bucky had become more desperate, more sexually driven. Bucky hated feeling so afraid. He didn’t know if he’d done anything like that before. He didn’t know _how_ to do that! Pierce hadn’t put it in his programming and Pierce certainly never showed him how, so was it okay? Was it allowed within the parameters of the mission? Pierce said Bucky should do anything…did this count as something?

Bucky felt his fingers twitching as they started to lightly shake. Steve caught it too, because he immediately pressed both of his hands above and below Bucky’s hand, using the top hand to lightly trace the blue veins underneath the pale skin. “Bucky…you’re not a leech.”

Bucky sighed, feeling a bit more comfortable that Steve thought this was about his lack of contribution. He offered a small, forced smile, but it was full of uncertainty and anguish.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Steve questioned, kissing Bucky on the forehead.

Bucky’s heart fluttered at the sensation. The kiss was light but it sent ripples of pleasure through Bucky’s body. His metal arm even responded by hissing lightly. Bucky couldn’t tell Steve "anything." He couldn’t tell Steve that he’d been assigned to masquerade as James Barnes. He couldn’t tell Steve that he had been lying to him from day one. How did other HYDRA spies do this? How did they get so close to their targets and still managed to keep their distance? 

“I just wanna learn how to cook something,” Bucky said, trying to keep his distance. He scooted back on the island, feeling his thighs release Steve’s body. He watched Steve’s brow furrow slightly, but he knew the other man wouldn’t press the issue. Bucky had started to appreciate how Steve was always walking on eggshells with him. At first he thought it was Steve’s lack of trust in him, but now he’d come to realize Steve would do anything and everything to calm Bucky’s nerves or make him happy. Bucky had won him over; that much was evident.

“I’ll teach you tonight,” Steve said going back over to put the rest of the groceries away.

Someone knocked a few times at the door. Bucky stood up, going to open it. Tony Stark stood there, leaning against the doorframe.

“You know, I always have this internal battle if I should just open the door…since I own this place…or knock. I seem to keep knocking…but I own this place,” he rambled.

Bucky’s eyes fell into lazy slits as he looked at Tony. Tony…did not trust Bucky. He’d already grilled Bucky about using his computer to search Steve and Barnes’ past. He’d come back again and again to take blood samples and do MRI scans on Bucky’s body and CT scans on his mind. His questions were always loaded and frankly, Bucky just wanted to slit Tony’s throat.

Tony brushed by, shoving his shoulder against Bucky’s as he did so. Bucky responded by turning his body slightly, so that he was looking over his shoulder but his back was facing Tony. If he only had a knife…

Steve smiled, looking up from the groceries. “Hey, Tony! Wanna hang out and eat dinner later?”

Bucky turned to Steve, his eyes pleading. That was the last thing Bucky wanted.

Tony seemed to catch Bucky’s expression because the man simply shrugged. “I hate your cooking.”

Bucky was sure it was a lie, especially since Tony had been over here a few nights ago with Romonov and Barton, praising Steve’s cooking skills to high heaven.

Steve scoffed. “You wound me,” he teased as he finished up with the groceries. “Everything okay?”

Tony’s eyes rounded. He looked around the room as if he was searching for something that could be wrong. “Everything’s great. Why wouldn’t it be great? You two having trouble in paradise? I know a guy for that.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

Bucky walked around the island, never taking his gaze off Tony. He could tell Tony knew he was watching him, stalking him like a predator watched prey.

“HYDRA movement,” Tony said finally.

Bucky did his best to remain still. Was HYDRA coming for him? Would he finally be able to shove a knife in Tony Stark’s throat? He really hoped he could finally shove a knife in Tony Stark’s throat. A cold grip squeezed his heart as he thought of Steve. Would he have to kill him already? It had been three weeks, but Bucky hadn’t entirely made up his assessment on Steve Rogers yet. There was great potential in him for HYDRA, but he hadn’t decided what he was going to do about Red Room or trying to simply convince him to the cause. He needed more time. He needed more…intimacy.

“We should talk about this outside,” Steve said hesitantly, his gaze flicking to Bucky.

  
“No. I need to hear it,” Bucky said, knitting his brow.

Tony shrugged. “I’ve successfully data mined all HYDRA and SHIELD files. They talk in code a lot. Did you know that? That shit’s hard to figure out-”

“Get to the point, Tony,” Steve growled.

Bucky liked watching this. He liked watching Steve’s shoulders broaden out. He enjoyed seeing his chin raise as he held it proudly. This was a side that Bucky hadn’t seen yet. He hadn’t seen Steve in action and suddenly he felt foolish for feeling like he could have properly assessed Steve Rogers without such a side. He couldn’t determine Red Room or not without combat.

“Some rats have come up for air. We think they’re headed to D.C.”

“Why there?” Steve asked, crossing his arms.

“The bank that they kept Barnes in,” Tony began, his gaze seemingly scanning Bucky for any abnormalities. “They left a lot of equipment. Without SHIELD around, the CIA went in to grab it and monitor the place. They probably want it back. There’s a lot of research in there. Stuff that wasn’t part of the data mining.”

“And?” Steve pressed.

“We think they’re starting up another Asset program,” Natasha Romonov said from the door. Bucky was surprised he hadn’t realized she was there. He didn’t like how easy it was for her to sneak up on him.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Steve said flabbergasted. “Do you think they’re coming after us?”

Romonov shrugged. It was impossible to read her face. “We don’t even know if they know about Barnes. We just know they want all the data that Barnes gave them.”

“So…we go grab it first? Get whatever the CIA got?” Steve asked.

“No,” Romonov said. “We go…we as in Tony, Clint, Sam and me. You two stay here.”

Bucky didn’t like that plan. If he was kept here, he couldn’t get to Rumlow. He’d thought it would be easy to request a trip to D.C. He thought he could have pretended that something was there he remembered and he needed it to keep remembering, but now it seemed like they were trying to keep him locked in a cage.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” Steve said.

Romonov held up her hand, silencing Steve. “No if’s and’s or but’s, Steve. You two sit tight. We’ve got Banner flying in today to also help out here if anything goes wrong.”

“You’re going to unleash the Hulk on New York again?” Steve questioned.

Bucky just furrowed his brow. He had no idea what a Hulk was.

“He’s getting better at controlling it. And he’s not here for muscle. He’s here to be additional eyes.” She shrugged again. “Besides, he’s your friend and he’s worried about you.”

“I’m fine. We’re both fine. We’re just working though it a day at a time,” Steve argued. He shot Bucky a pleading look, as if asking for Bucky to do something that would present evidence that things were going fine. Truthfully, things had been going fine. Bucky had been enjoying his time with Steve, but he was far from completing his mission. He needed to see Steve in action which meant he needed them to get to D.C.

“I’m remembering stuff,” Bucky finally said. That silenced the room. He licked his lips thoughtfully. “Yeah, my favorite color’s green and I remember…mostly bad shit. About my missions.”

Steve made a strained sound in the back of his throat. Bucky should have dropped some hints about this before, but it had never been necessary, so here he was, pushing more lies up as he tried to figure a way to get to D.C. “I can help you,” he said firmly. “I know HYDRA better than any of you.”

“I seem to recall them putting a fairly recent memory wipe down on you,” Tony countered. He wasn’t buying it. He didn’t even hide how much he wasn’t buying it.

“That was two months ago,” Steve said. “He’s been remembering stuff. I’ve seen it.”

Romonov moved before Bucky, her hips swaying like a leopard. She cocked her head to the side, evaluating him in ways Bucky couldn’t figure out. “You want to help take down HYDRA?”

Bucky’s brow furrowed. If he thought Tony’s questions had been loaded as of late, this one was full to the brim. “I want to help Steve,” he answered carefully.

Her shoulders relaxed and she looked back to Tony, speaking with her eyes rather than her mouth.

“Fine,” Tony said. “You two can come. It’ll be one giant party,” Tony said sarcastically, moving for the door.

“He’s just grumpy because he’s worried,” Romonov said to Steve before following Tony out of the suite.

Steve sighed heavily, dropping down into the couch. He ran his fingers through his hair, shoving the blonde spikes in various directions.

Bucky moved to sit beside him. He wrapped his metal arm around Steve’s shoulders, hesitating when Steve’s body stiffened for a second. “S-sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s just cold,” Steve said, going to lace his fingers between the metal ones. “It’ll warm up.”

Bucky relaxed, resting his head atop Steve’s. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he lied. He didn’t tell Steve about the memories because they weren’t real. They weren’t there. It had all been a ploy to make sure Bucky was heading to D.C. Thankfully it worked.

Steve huffed in response. Bucky wasn’t sure if that was because he accepted the apology or because he was angry, so he kept pressing the subject. “I was gunna tell you,” he began. “I just…wanted to make sure it was real.”

Steve leaned up, grabbing Bucky’s chin. The motion was rough and demanded Bucky’s complete attention. Their eyes locked as Steve looked to be searching for something in Bucky’s eyes. Bucky felt anxious. Was his cover blown? Was this it? He pulled his metal arm from around Steve’s shoulders, curling the fingers into a fist.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I get it. You need time.” Steve released Bucky’s chin, dropping his face into his own hands again. “I’ve been pushing you. I shouldn’t have.”

Bucky relaxed his metal fingers, feeling his shoulders slump as the muscles settled into their natural positions. “You haven’t been pushing me,” Bucky countered.

“No,” Steve said, cutting him off. “No I have. I pushed our relationship back on you before you even remembered it. It’s bad enough having a guy going, “Oh hey we used to be buds!” but for me to force you into my bed already?”

“I snuck into your bed,” Bucky stated.

Steve rolled his eyes. “I didn’t mean that. I meant…that night.”

Bucky laced his fingers into Steve’s, running his thumb over Steve’s knuckles. “You didn’t push me though. We stopped exactly where it needed to be.”

“I didn’t want to,” Steve breathed out, his gaze glazing in desire. Bucky shifted, knowing this could go one of two ways. He could initiate this, but then he’d have to commit to it, or he could just keep it a conversation, but then he’d have an even more desperately, anxious Steve, and he wasn’t sure which was better. Would this help HYDRA? Would him sleeping with Steve further their goals? He’d do it if it would…he just didn’t know for sure. Was this part of being a spy? He didn't really even know  _how_ to sleep with someone. He had a general, instinctive concept but...that was that.

He enjoyed being with Steve. He enjoyed all the attention and the choices that were given to him as Steve asked him small things like what he wanted to eat or if he was tired or wanted to go out. HYDRA had never given him that, but they’d given him purpose; an identity. Steve was giving Bucky free will, a life to make his own, and Bucky wasn’t sure which one was better anymore. He believed in HYDRA…

But he was beginning to believe in Steve.

“Steve,” Bucky whispered, cupping Steve’s face. He delighted in the way Steve pressed his cheek further into Bucky’s palm. Smiling was still difficult for Bucky. He’d mastered the crooked smile, but he was sure there was something dark still about his eyes. He couldn’t glisten like Steve, but he did his best. “You didn’t push me.”

Steve pressed his face into Bucky’s collarbone, pushing Bucky back so Steve was resting his head on Bucky’s chest. Bucky wrapped his arms around the blonde man.

“I don’t know what HYDRA programmed you to do…or not to do. I just…I didn’t want you going along with this because someone else told you that’s how to behave.”

Bucky’s heart stuttered as his eyes snapped wide open. He was glad Steve’s eyes were downcast. HYDRA had programmed him to obey. Pierce had instructed him to do anything for Steve. This was a mission, and Steve’s worries were exactly what Bucky was doing, but it wasn’t that simple. Bucky also enjoyed the intimacy. He liked Steve’s touches and his kisses.

Bucky kissed the top of Steve’s head, trying desperately to stop this conversation. He didn’t want to think about HYDRA’s programming. Questioning the programming always lead to massive headaches and a misery that Bucky could never understand. Wait…why did he know this? He hadn’t questioned it…? Why…why did he know this?

No. No he needed this to stop. He couldn’t think about this. Desperately, Bucky pulled Steve’s face to his, clashing his lips against Steve’s. He felt his stubble graze roughly against Steve’s chin. He tasted the fleshy, slightly sweet taste that was Steve’s tongue and felt the taste buds as they grazed against Bucky’s tongue.

He wrapped his legs around Steve, desperately, rocking his hips slightly as he impatiently tried to drown the thoughts from his head. He wouldn’t question HYDRA. He couldn’t! It was…against his very nature.

Steve moaned, trying to stabilize himself as he braced his weight against one of his arms on the couch’s arm. Bucky didn’t like that. He wanted all of Steve. He wanted Steve’s weight against him. He needed it. He knocked Steve’s arm and the man came crashing atop him. Bucky rolled them off the couch and onto the floor; their lips never separating.

He rolled atop Steve, kissing the man’s cheekbones, licking down his cheeks to nibble on the lobe of his ear. He relished in the sounds Steve made. They were breathy, husky sounds that sounded like mountains crumbling and gentle, morning winds. Bucky needed more of it. He needed to drown out his thoughts of HYDRA.

He lifted Steve’s shirt, as his fingers explored Steve’s cut abdomen, tickling over the side’s of the man’s stomach, earning a few giggles. He brushed his nose against Steve’s. Their gazes locked for a moment as Bucky evaluated Steve’s face. His lips were swollen and his eyes were desperate, pleading for this to keep going. There was fear though and Bucky had a pretty good idea why, but he wouldn’t say anything. His words were meaningless. He would do this. He’d prove to himself he was dedicated to HYDRA. He'd lie to Steve and show he was dedicated to him...

He pressed his lips against Steve’s again before trailing wet, loud kisses down the man’s jaw line and to his neck where he lapped at the skin, nipping and sucking loudly. Steve’s fingers laced into Bucky’s short hair, pulling him back up to Steve’s lips where they fought for dominance, shoving their teeth and tongues into each other’s mouths. It was animalistic; predatory, but Bucky was so excited he didn’t care that he’d bit Steve’s tongue too hard. He didn’t care that he could taste blood. It only excited him further. He felt…in charge. Like he could say or do anything and Steve would listen to him. It was intoxicating; freeing.

Bucky moaned, allowing the sensations to wash over him like a tidal wave, crashing into his senses and drowning him in a pleasant hum as his body radiated with desire. He liked Steve. He was dedicated to HYDRA. He could do this. It was all coming naturally, like he’d done it so many times before.

He ripped Steve’s shirt, earning a gasp from the other man as he smiled devilishly, biting lightly at Steve’s nipples before swirling his tongue around them to ease the pain Bucky was sure he’d created. He rocked his hips into Steve’s again, feeling their hard-on’s press against each other. He moved to the other nipple, kissing it and swirling his tongue before biting, earning a hiss from Steve as he jerked Bucky’s head away. “That hurts,” he said lightly, but there was a smile on his lips.

“Let me make it better?” Bucky asked, surprised at his tone. It was husky, greedy and there was…something else, but he couldn’t place exactly what. It was like Steve’s voice, all deep and sultry and…alive? Yes. It sounded alive.

Steve nodded, dropping his head against the hardwood floor as Bucky’s mouth returned to Steve’s chest, lapping, and sucking at the tortured nipple. He delighted in the groans that he pulled from Steve’s throat. He loved how Steve would buck his hips when the pleasure became too much. Bucky wanted this. He wanted to explore Steve’s body, hear his moans and gasps. He wanted to feel this. He wanted to feel alive. HYDRA never allowed him to have this, and now he was going to take it for himself.

He played with the waistband on Steve’s pants, rocking his hips a few times into Steve’s, lolling them lazily but forcefully enough so that he could feel Steve’s entire length against his own, aching cock.

“Bucky,” Steve grabbed his wrist and for a moment Bucky thought Steve would deny him this, deny him the ability to feel such exhilarating feelings and his only chance at feeling like he wasn’t just a weapon, but a person, living and breathing with needs and desires. “You sure?”

Bucky answered with a chaste kiss. “I need this,” he whispered against Steve’s lips. “Please let me have this.”

Steve moaned against Bucky’s lips, jerking his hips upward again, grazing their cocks together. “Okay.”

Bucky unbuttoned Steve’s pants, tugging at them till they were mid-thigh. Steve was large. His cock was pressed up against the waistband of his boxer-briefs. Bucky paused, unsure of what to really do here. He knew he should touch Steve’s cock, but he wasn’t entirely sure…how. He darted his tongue out, running it along the soft flesh of his swollen lips when an idea came to him. He’d use his mouth…

He scooted down, straddling Steve’s knees as he pulled the waistband of the briefs, letting Steve’s full erection free. Bucky heard Steve gasp as the cool air met his throbbing cock. Bucky grabbed the base of it, steadying it as he brought his lips to its tip, kissing it softly, listening as Steve mumbled incoherent syllables. Bucky flashed out his tongue, licking the slit, swirling his tongue along the tip and sucking it into his mouth before running his lips down and up, licking the top again.

“Sh-shit,” Steve moaned out, lacing his fingers as best as he could in Bucky’s hair, pulling at the strands. Bucky enjoyed the pain. It wasn’t the same that he’d experienced before with HYDRA. He was in control of Steve. He'd made Steve swear, and Steve never swore.

Feeling more confident in what he was doing, Bucky opened his mouth more, sucking Steve’s cock further into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the erection, accidently bumping his teeth against the sensitive skin a bit too roughly.

“Bucky!” Steve exclaimed, jerking back a bit.

“S-sorry,” Bucky mumbled. He licked at the reddening area he’d injured, feeling overly guilty, placing gentle kisses at the site. There was so much…trust in this. Bucky could bite down, he could tear at the flesh and create such pain, but Steve was trusting him to not. It was almost overwhelming to analyze like this. Bucky didn’t want to hurt him. He wanted to prove to him just how trustworthy he was.

So Bucky kissed up the base, lapping his tongue against the slit a few times before swirling his tongue roughly against the corona, slurping loudly.

Steve bucked his hips, whimpering soft syllables, breathing out content sounds of approval. Bucky brought his mouth back down, enveloping as much of Steve’s length as he could, sucking hard and swirling his tongue, paying better attention to where his teeth were. He couldn’t take all of Steve’s large cock, but he used his hand to stroke the base, using just his index finger and thumb. Steve hummed in approval.

“Is this okay?” Bucky asked, using his fingers now to continue stroking, swirling his thumb over the head, paying close care to the slit. He pressed down lightly, lifting his finger to expose a string of milky-white liquid. He blinked at it, curiously.

“Mmm, yeah,” Steve sighed, bucking his hips.

Bucky laughed, instantly realizing how…real it sounded. He went back down, using more force as he sucked Steve’s cock into his mouth, stroking faster at its base and rubbing his hands over Steve’s balls curiously.

Steve’s breath hitched and his hips jerked up violently. His cock hit the back of Bucky’s throat and Bucky gagged, dropping Steve from his mouth.

“S-sorry,” Steve whispered. “It tickles.”

Bucky didn’t answer. He kissed the tip of Steve’s penis, brushing the slit with his nose, enjoying the sounds Steve made as his head lolled back heavily against the floor. Bucky stroked Steve’s cock faster, using three digits instead of two. He focused his mouth more on the tip, lapping at the moisture that was starting to formulate at the slit. It was salty and bitter, but it was Steve’s and he liked Steve, so he liked this.

He hummed, curiously wondering if the sensation would do anything for Steve. He got his answer when Steve gasped, moaning, “Oh… _God_ , Bucky!” Feeling a bit more confident, he sucked more of Steve into his mouth again, bobbing his head up and down rhythmically, going a bit further each time till he could feel the tip of Steve’s cock brush against the back of his throat. He tried hard to keep from gagging, but occasionally his mouth would tighten around Steve’s erection when there was too much stimulation.

Steve moaned louder, his gasping and breathing getting heavier as his fingers kept twirling absent-mindedly in Bucky’s hair, pulling and stroking occasionally. “Bucky, that’s…that’s good…” he mumbled, rocking his hips up to meet with Bucky’s faster pacing. “Shit…Bucky…Bucky…”

Steve’s moans became whimpers as Bucky kept at his pace, still using his fingers at the base of Steve’s cock to envelop him completely in the sensation. Bucky felt drool fall from his mouth, dribbling downwards against Steve’s cock, coating it thickly with his saliva as he continued to suck against the erection, slurping and licking the veins of the underside as he went back up, lolling his tongue against the slit, tasting the thick amount of liquid that settled there.

Steve’s legs tensed and his moans became louder. Not long after he was moaning Bucky's name over and over. Bucky didn’t know what to do, so he kept going, sucking harder, pulling the moans from Steve’s body as something hot sprayed into his mouth. It was heavier, thicker but it tasted like the moisture from before. Definitely wasn't urine. He choked on it, doing his best to just swallow it as his tongue lapped it up hungrily into his mouth. He bobbed his head, riding out Steve’s spasm, before slowing in tune with Steve’s relaxing body. He swirled his tongue around Steve’s cock a few times, before lapping at the base of the tip’s underside a few times.

Steve light pushed Bucky away from his cock, pulling his legs into himself as he hid the cock that Bucky so desperately wanted all his attention focused on. Bucky whimpered; feeling drool and the white liquid dribble down his face. He wiped at it, lapping it off his hand like a cat. He felt Steve’s gaze. He looked up to see a furrowed brow and tired eyes.

“W-what? Was I not supposed to do that?” Bucky asked.

Steve’s brows shot up. “Bucky…” he breathed out. “That…no that’s fine.”

“Okay cause…I didn’t know what was happening and I just-”

Steve grabbed Bucky’s wrist, staring heavily into his eyes. “You don’t know what just happened?” His voice went up an octave.

Bucky felt ashamed. He wanted to stand up and simply jump off the balcony. HYDRA hadn’t programmed him for this… This was all new and he didn’t understand any of it. “I…” he said softly. “I don’t−”

Steve’s face rounded in realization, figuring it out before Bucky seemed to even be able to say it. “HYDRA wouldn’t tell you. Of course not. Jesus, Buck…I’m so sorry. We shouldn’t have−”

“No!” Bucky blurted, jumping into Steve’s lap and grabbing the man’s face as if it was the only way Bucky could stay planted on the Earth. “Don’t push me away.” The words were rough and laced so heavily with desperation, Bucky didn’t even believe it was his voice. He brushed his nose against Steve’s, kissing the man’s cheekbones. Was it okay to kiss his face after kissing his cock? Steve didn’t push him away. He merely closed his eyes and sighed, so Bucky thought it was okay. Something was happening within Steve, something dark and Bucky was sure he was angry, but he didn’t know why. Had he done something wrong? Was what he did…not okay? “Please talk to me,” he whined.

Steve’s arms wrapped around Bucky and he pressed his face into Bucky’s chest. Bucky was sure Steve was crying, because his shoulders were rising and falling in sharp, jerky motions. “I’m so sorry,” Steve cried. His voice was soft and cracked. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Bucky merely ran his fingers though Steve’s hair. “Why?”

Steve pulled away. His eyes were glistening with fresh tears and his cheeks were red, but Bucky wasn’t sure if they were red from before or because he’d just started to cry. “Because you’ve no idea what we just did. You don’t know what we’ve _ever_ done.”

Bucky wasn’t following. He furrowed his brow as his swollen, red lips parted in confusion. He cocked his head slightly to the side.

“HYDRA took everything from you. Our life together, our…experiences.” Steve wiped at some of the remaining white liquid from Bucky’s chin. “Do you even know what this is?”

Bucky blinked. He felt his spine curve as he tried to recoil into himself. “N-no…” he answered truthfully.

Steve closed his eyes, allowing a solo tear to fall from his eye. “They teach you this stuff in _grade school_.”

Bucky scooted off Steve; feeling like their close proximity was only hurting the situation. Steve was erratic, and obviously broken from the previous experience. Bucky wasn’t sure why. What had James Barnes done differently that would have made this all okay? Was knowing what that stuff was…really that important?

Steve instantly pulled his pants up, buttoning them angrily as his fingers shook. He looked ashamed, like he was going to vomit.

Bucky winced.

“We can’t…I can’t do this. I can’t do this cause it’s not fair. It’s not fair to you and it’s…” He groaned, trying his best to hold back a sob but utterly failed. “You’re a child again and I’m…” He dropped his face into his hands as he began to cry harder. “You don’t even _know_ me.”

Bucky sat back on his feet, looking away as he listened to Steve’s cries. Steve’s mind was unstable. James Barnes was hurting Steve Rogers just as much as Steve Rogers was happy James Barnes was back in his life. It was a ruthless, disgusting cycle and Bucky _hated_ himself for it. He’d done this to Steve. He didn’t want to hurt Steve, not unless there was no other way around it. This was avoidable, but Bucky wanted to feel alive. He wanted to drown out his thoughts and force something that clearly wasn’t meant to happen. So he closed his eyes, startled as warm moisture trickled down the curves of his face. He was crying.

“Jesus, Bucky,” Steve cried out. His voice was muffled. Bucky couldn’t see it, but he was sure Steve’s face was still buried into his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

Bucky stood up, feeling uncomfortable as his cock still panged from having been so turned on before. He tried to ignore it; he didn’t know what to do with it anyway. He walked toward his notepad, immediately sitting down to write into it.

_Steve Rogers is a suitable candidate for Red Room. His performance could increase if he is not weighed down by his emotional conflictions. Recommend full memory wipe._

* * *

 

No matter how many showers Steve took that day, he still felt vile and disgusting. He’d basically raped Bucky, regardless of what the other was trying to say, or had said. He didn’t even know what an ejaculation was, or semen! Steve’s extremities trembled under the rhythmic pulsating of the hot shower. Steam filled his nose as he inhaled deeply. He hated himself. He simply hated himself. Bucky had seemed so sure of himself at first, but it all faltered when Steve allowed him to suck him off. Bucky’s motions were reserved, unsteady and unsure and he often looked more confused than he looked like he was really enjoying it. Why had he done it? What had possessed Bucky to even want to try? Was it the desire to try to force his memories back? Did he think he owed it to Steve?

Steve punched the wall, feeling the tile give way. He breathed heavily, hating himself further. Bucky didn’t owe him anything. It was the other way around if there was anything to be owed! Steve had left Bucky for dead. He didn’t catch him on the train. He didn’t save him. He did this. He was the reason HYDRA destroyed Bucky’s mind and his memories. He was the reason Bucky didn’t know how to handle an erection properly or even knew that penises ejaculated. Bucky didn’t even know what a _fucking_ orgasm was!

Steve scrubbed at his body again, tearing at his skin as he violently dug into his skin, scrubbing back and forth, back and forth…over and over. He’d created several burns and was bleeding in two places. He smacked his head roughly against the tile, groaning. He was sure Bucky could hear him, but right now he was so pissed at himself he didn’t care. He should never have let this happen. This Bucky…this Bucky sitting in the bedroom confused, scared and alone wasn’t the Bucky Steve knew growing up. This Bucky was brainwashed, alone and confused. _That_ Bucky had been confident, happy and embedded in reality. This Bucky’s mind was shattered and racing to figure out all the pieces and Steve had…

He punched the tiled walls again, creating another hole. His wrist got stuck and he angrily pulled back, cutting the sensitive skin. Hissing, he sucked at the wound, trying to clean it of blood. He washed gently at the laceration before turning off the shower roughly. He groaned as he snapped the handle off. He’d need someone to repair it before he or Bucky could take another shower. Now Bucky didn’t even have the ability to cleanse away the filth that Steve had just subjected him to. Maybe Tony would let him borrow his shower.

He wrapped a towel around his still-heaving body, his brow permanently cross and his lips pressed into a hard line. He looked at himself in the mirror. There was blemish he couldn’t remove, a dark mark against his ledger that he could never relieve. He’d abused Bucky. He’d never let this happen again. Bucky had to know him before Steve would even consider touching him again. He’d have to tell him about the playground and the bullies there, he’d have to tell him about the movie theater alley and the girls he brought along to the World Expo. He’d have to tell him the words he’d said the day Bucky agreed to be a Howling Commando. Nothing short of those memories would allow Steve to touch this Bucky again. He wouldn’t take advantage of him again. He loved Bucky far too much for that.

Bucky looked up when Steve came into the bedroom. The guy was curled up on the bed and his eyes were red. He’d been crying. Of course he’d been crying. Steve felt dirty all over again. Steve roughly pulled at his drawers, throwing on a shirt and grabbing a pair of briefs and sweatpants before exiting the room again. He didn’t care that Bucky had just seen his dick; he wasn’t showing him it again until Bucky knew why he was looking at it. Steve tugged the fabric on roughly; feeling it stick a bit as some remaining droplets of water still remained. After getting dressed, he leaned against the doorframe, trying to hear if Bucky had started crying again before he appeared in the entryway.

Bucky looked up again. His eyes were different. They were lighter in color but so much heavier. Steve felt ashamed. He was the reason this was happening. “Steve…” Bucky croaked.

Steve sat at the edge of the bed, waiting for Bucky to say his piece.

“I’m sorry.”

Steve was so taken aback that he nearly fell from the bed. Bucky was sorry? Bucky? Was sorry? He hadn’t done anything wrong! Misery clutched at Steve’s heart as he suppressed the desire to pull Bucky into him. He swallowed hard, knowing this was a conversation they _had_ to talk out. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Bucky sat up, crossing his legs, Indian style. “But you’re angry.”

“Not at you,” Steve countered quickly.

Bucky’s brow twitched. What was he thinking? “But…I did something wrong.”

“What’d you do wrong, Bucky?” Steve asked, trying to lead the conversation narrowly.

Bucky shrugged, looking like he was going to recoil back inside. “I made you…” He closed his eyes. There was a battle waging war on that face and Steve wanted so desperately to reach out and touch it, to shove aside the concerns and brush way the fears. “When I did that…thing.”

He didn’t even know what to call it. Steve’s heart shattered to the floor of his stomach. “Bucky…”

“I’m sorry. It just made me feel,” he paused, looking like he was searching for the right words. “So human.”

Steve’s mouth parted as realization climbed into his features, filling him up with shock and awe. Bucky hadn’t known what he was doing because to his knowledge, he’d never done it. He’d never been allowed to be human with HYDRA. He’d never been given human companionship or care. To this Bucky…Steve was the only one on the planet that had treated him like a person. “You are human, Bucky.”

Bucky instantly shook his head. “No. I’m not. I’m HYDRA’s Asset.”

“You’re a human,” Steve said firmer. “You’re no longer part of HYDRA. I’ll never let them touch you again.”

Something etched its way into Bucky’s face, it was like he was trying to deflect Steve’s words, but wanted to embrace them all the same. “James Barnes was the luckiest man alive to have you.”

Steve’s heart stopped. His fingers tingled as they cried out to Steve, begging to let them touch Bucky’s face, begging to trace the man’s jaw line and caress those full lips. He closed his eyes, willing himself to get a hold on his emotions. “James Barnes…is…the luckiest man alive to have me,” Steve corrected. “Because he’s sitting right across from me, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Bucky moved so quickly, Steve didn’t even have a moment to prepare. Bucky’s arms wrapped around his middle as Steve was pushed down against the bed. His head hit the bed frame and he winced in pain, but his arms wrapped around Bucky’s shoulders, defeating all his previous swearing to never touch Bucky till Bucky was ready. But…Bucky was ready...at least for hugs. Steve knew Bucky cared for him− that much was evident, but he didn’t…know the why behind the desire. Steve inhaled deeply, taking in Bucky’s scent as Bucky pressed his face into Steve’s chest. They lay there in silence; both listening to the other’s breathing patterns. Steve had never felt so conflicted.

This Bucky…who had faced horrors and torture that most men would die under, he was reaching out desperately, trying to cling to Steve as Steve was trying to back away, to put distance there and let Bucky figure himself out before having to figure their relationship out. This Bucky…who was so fragile and damaged…was showing such courage by trying to face HYDRA, asking to be allowed to join the group in D.C, asking to be let into Steve’s life and Steve was just…whirling in circles as he tried to keep up. But…he was going to try to keep up.

At least he didn’t feel so dirty anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh....pardon that ...awkward blow job. I tried to make it as awkward yet kind of sexually appealing as possible...but I've no idea how that really worked out. 0.0 I think it was just awkward.*Cough*
> 
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!


	5. Peggy Carter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After you read this chapter, I hope you have it in you to forgive me for what I've done....
> 
> that in mind...please heed the new tags that have been added! I also think that Say Something by A Great Big World is ENTIRELY too appropriate for this chapter... XD
> 
> (Also, this wasn't edited, so expect some minor spelling mistakes, if any.)

The jet had landed just as the sun was starting to peak over the backdrops of Washington D.C. Bucky hadn’t slept the entire way. He wasn’t entirely good at sleeping anyway. He’d always used cryo as a way to sleep, and mostly stayed awake during his missions when HYDRA needed him out in the field. He wasn’t used to sleeping. Often this resulted in him lying awake at night, trying to keep his gaze fixed on one of the arms of the ceiling fan. He was getting better at sleeping though, but he’d traded a cryo tank for Steve Rogers’ smooth arms. At first Steve protested a bit, asking over and over again if this was what Bucky wanted. He did. He wanted to be wrapped protectively in warm, strong arms. He’d traded the cold of cryo for the warmth of Steve and he needed those arms to sleep. Sitting across from him on a private jet didn’t help him sleep, so he watched as Steve dozed instead.

They all filtered into a townhouse with a black steel rod fence that outlined an extremely small front yard. Inside, it was lavishly decorated like any politician’s home. Why did Bucky know what a politician’s home looked like? The crystal chandelier distracted him from the thought as they all filtered into the dining room.

A woman with dark brown hair and a strong jaw entered into the room. From the lack of anyone’s response, it was clear to Bucky that they knew her. Her gaze scanned him warily and she clicked her tongue once.

“Didn’t I say bringing him was a bad idea?” she said with a low, sultry voice.

“I’m your boss, remember, Hill?” Tony said. “And he’s rather persuasive. So he’s here now.”

She shrugged, sitting down. Everyone followed suit, except Bucky. He didn’t feel comfortable sitting. Steve sent him a softly pained expression, but Bucky dismissed it. He enjoyed the response though. No one had ever cared so much about how _he_ felt. It…was liberating, to feel like he was the sun that Steve orbited.

“The CIA’s infiltrated the bank. They’ve wiped it clean but there was a bit of a scuffle. A cryo tank and several computers were taken. We now know those computers to be the files that held all of the Winter Soldier’s missions as well as observations by his science team.”

“So HYDRA has all the files on Bucky,” Steve affirmed. “We need those.”

This…Hill…nodded, her lips curt and tight with a look that said she wasn’t okay with this, but she was listening to Tony, who…was apparently her boss. Bucky leaned against the wall, taking the scene in.

“Do we know where HYDRA is?” Tony asked. “Any leads to where the rats are scurrying to?”

“My contacts are too afraid to tell me, considering I’ve blasted my identity all over the internet,” Romanov said, tracing the soft curves of the wooden dining table. “So, for once, I’ve got nothing.”

“I’ve got a proposal. One that you all may not like,” Hill said. Her stern look of disapproval now turned to one of apprehension. Bucky watched as Steve’s back straightened. He wondered if Steve was thinking about Bucky’s security. His heart fluttered at the thought.

Bucky shifted his weight, trying to dismiss the thought as just one of excitement. Steve was still his mission. He couldn’t get too attached…no matter how much Bucky was truly starting to like Steve and love the attention the blonde gave him.

“I’ve got some contacts in the CIA. A former S.H.I.E.L.D agent has said that the CIA would be willing to cut a deal with Rogers,” Hill stated.

“What sort of deal?” Steve asked, sitting forward and crossing his arms. Bucky’s gaze scanned the pronounced biceps that poked out from under the pale blue shirt that Steve wore.

“After D.C…” Hill began, sighing heavily. “S.H.I.E.L.D compromised, the Potomac a mess. There’s…a lot to be answered for. The CIA knows you’re not to blame, but they’re also concerned. You’re just one man and you brought down two huge organizations at the same time.”

“So I’m a liability?” Steve scoffed. He sat back, shaking his head from side to side. “No. They’re not putting a collar on me.”

“Tony is restrained by the US military, whether he wants to admit it or not by his connection to Rhodey.”

“Please! I haven’t sold a single thing to them since The Jericho!” Tony protested.

Hill looked uncomfortable. She shifted in her seat, clearly searching for words that she was too afraid to speak. Bucky took a step forward, just making sure she didn’t have one hand under the table ready with a gun.

“That doesn’t matter. You’re more controlled than Rogers. You’re a business man. Rogers is…” She gestured with her hand toward Steve. “He’s a World War II science experiment with technically no allegiance to anyone, government or not. Sure he’s Captain America, but S.H.I.E.L.D was his tether before.”

“Tether?” Steve spoke the word so coolly, so controlled that Bucky wasn’t sure his ears were dripping from acidic burn at how much animosity was spoken behind those two syllables. “I joined S.H.I.E.L.D because I wanted to protect people!”

Hill realized her mistake, it was evident in how her brow creased and her eyes swam in exasperated pleading. “Steve…”

“No.” Steve stood up, his teeth barred and his brow knit with controlled anger. “I’m not cutting a deal. No one is “ _tethering_ ” me ever again. If I’m with anyone, I’m with those in this room. If that’s not good enough for the CIA, then that’s that.”

“I’m with Steve,” Sam said from his seat. “If the CIA is scared of Rogers, what do you think they’re going to do to him? They’ll lock him in a cell and say it’s for the protection of the American people.”

“You don’t know that!” Hill protested. “You remember Sharon right, Steve?”

Steve was still standing. Bucky had instinctively gone to stand next to him, on his right. He’d be the first to throw this woman back and crush her neck if Steve needed it.

“Yeah, my supposed neighbor?” Steve spat. “Another lie from S.H.I.E.L.D.”

“Her name is Sharon Carter. She’s Peggy’s niece. She’s the one who suggested this!”

Steve’s resolve crumbled as he blinked in a stupor. “Carter? Peggy?”

Bucky didn’t like how Steve said, “Peggy.” The name was strained in Steve’s throat and there was so much pained emotion behind it. Bucky found himself hating this woman. Who was she to deserve Steve’s attention? Bucky was here, right now. He was supposed to be James Barnes, the love of Steve Rogers’ life. Who was this Peggy to try to ruin all that Bucky had built so far in the name of HYDRA?

“She believes the CIA will work with you. With you…not against you, Steve,” Hill said, her eyes still swimming in that pleading expression.

“What are the terms?” Steve said sitting down.

“No!” Bucky protested. He’d yelled so loud, he’d caused almost everyone, minus Steve, to jump. Their gazes snapped to him and he suddenly felt very, very exposed. He pressed his back to the wall, panicking at his sudden outburst. He hated how easily persuaded Steve was all at the mention of a single name. It was a female name too, Bucky was sure of it. It sounded female. He knew the name was associated with a beautiful woman…a dame… He blinked in shock, realizing that he was seeing a murky image of a woman with Steve in his mind. Why? Why was he seeing this? Who was this woman and why did Bucky swear up and down he knew her?

“Bucky…” Steve said softly, standing up and grabbing at Bucky’s hands. He laced his fingers into Bucky’s, never breaking his eye contact from Bucky’s eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Bucky felt his chest rise and fall as he kept trying to picture her, this Peggy. He kept trying to see her…brown…hair. It was brown! Why did he know this?! How? He felt his limbs start to shake. “I…” He allowed a mewling sound to escape the back of his throat. He was painfully aware that all eyes were on him. He’d never received so much attention before…from eyes that’s goals weren’t solely to make him into the best killing machine. These were eyes full of concern and…admittedly some fear. Bucky could handle the fear. He couldn’t handle the concern.

She had brown hair…red lips. “No…no, no, no, no, no,” Bucky started whispering, breaking his eye contact with Steve and collapsing. He felt Steve’s arms pull him into his body as Steve pulled Bucky toward the chair he’d previously occupied. “She had red lips. Why do I know that she had red lips? Why do I know her! WHY DO I KNOW HER?!” He was unstable, screaming and feeling hot tears spill down his cheeks.

“We can talk about this later,” Barton said.

“Bucky!” Steve demanded, but Bucky wasn’t listening. He was heaving and panicking, seeing a beautiful woman with red, pouted lips and a strong jaw and gorgeous brown eyes that shined and sparkled with so much love for…for Steve. “Bucky! Bucky listen to me!” Steve grabbed Bucky’s chin, forcing their gazes to meet. “You knew Peggy. You knew her back in the war.”

“No I didn’t,” Bucky protested, shaking his head free from Steve’s strong fingers. “I never met her. I never knew anyone. I’ve…”

“Bucky…you knew her,” Steve pressed.

“She loved you,” Bucky said, realizing, clearer than ever, that he wasn’t the only one in Steve’s life. There was another! Bucky hated her. He needed her dead. “Where is she?”

Steve was caught off guard. His face strained in confusion as he tried to asses Bucky’s hastily crumbling composure.

“Where. Is. She?” Bucky demanded, still shaking in the chair. He could feel Steve’s hands, one at his back and one on his knee. He needed this warmth. He needed to be the only one in Steve’s life, HYDRA be damned. He needed Steve Rogers. He couldn’t deny it. Steve had been the only person to shower him with so much love, to accept him as a human and Bucky _needed_ that.

“She’s in a retirement center, assisted living,” Steve answered. “Bucky? What’s wrong?”

He was always asking that question. What’s wrong and how are you feeling and what are you thinking? Why was he always poking into Bucky’s head? Did Steve know? Was Steve suspicious? Was this it? Did this blow Bucky’s cover? He’d made a sure mess of this situation. He needed out. He needed to escape this. The eyes that stared into his very core and those warm, hot hands against his body. He needed to escape. He couldn’t do this anymore!

Bucky slammed Steve against the wall, using his metal arm to crush at the throat. Steve was slow to respond as the shock of it had taken him by surprise.

“Clint! Tranq now!” Romanov shouted over the commotion. Bucky heard the _thwick_ of the bow, but he’d kicked the arrow away, diverting it into the wall.

Growling, Bucky made it to the door, barreling out as he had no time to open it. It cried out loudly against his weight, but his metal arm had forced it apart, shattering it into the air as he rolled onto the concrete before him, leapt the black iron rods of the fence and was out. He needed Rumlow. He needed to find HYDRA.

He needed to kill Peggy Carter.

* * *

 

Steve pressed his fingers gingerly against the bruising skin of his throat, his eyes round and lips parted in the smallest of “o’s.” What had just happened? Bucky had been so composed. He’d stood by Steve and then…Peggy came up. It had always been an awkward conversation back in the war. Peggy clearly wanted Steve, and truth be told, there was a part of Steve that wanted Peggy as well, but he’d been with Bucky. When he told Bucky about it, of course Bucky did all he could to try to get Peggy to kiss him or sleep with him. He wanted to prove to Steve she was just another dame, one of the girls who didn’t love Steve the way Bucky did, but she never went for it. Eventually, Bucky had resigned himself to knowing he’d always be Steve’s dirty little secret, even if Steve said that’s not what Bucky had been. It was complicated back then, and Steve isn’t sure what he would have done since the choice had practically been made up for him when Bucky fell from the train. Still…Steve never saw Bucky as a secret. He didn’t hide his affection for Bucky from the Howling Commandos, but he had hid his affection for Bucky from Peggy…

“Steve!” Natasha said, running up to him and checking him over. “You okay?”

He didn’t answer. Guilt was crawling up his knees, holding him against the wall and weighing him down, more and more as he kept thinking. Peggy was Bucky’s worst nightmare back then. Bucky would watch as Peggy casually flirted with Steve or pressed her body against his in intimate hugs and offer soft, chase kisses against his cheek. Bucky had been there, knowing Steve knew how much he loved him, watching Steve rival with his desire for both Peggy and Bucky. He loved them both… He still loved them both. In the end, if they’d both been clinging to that train for dear life, and if Steve could have only saved one… The thought ate at him. It was a choice he just could never have picked. He’d probably launch himself off the train, just to show how much he couldn’t make that decision. Bucky had been his lover. They had been together, but he never told Peggy…he led her on, allowed Bucky to feel that he was never safe from the ultimate decision against him… He should have known Bucky would react this way at the mention of Peggy Carter.

“Steve!” Tony barked, waving a hand in front of his face. “Yo Gramps! Star-Spangled Popsicle! Hey! I’m talking to you!”

Steve finally looked up, meeting brown eyes that held more concern than sometimes Steve gave Tony credit for.

“Jesus, Steve,” Tony began, sighing heavily. “What the hell are you doing?”

“We have to see Peggy,” Steve said. “I…” He didn’t want to finish that sentence. He didn’t want to admit what Bucky was capable of, but he couldn’t deny the anger and hatred that had revved up in Bucky all those years ago. “I think he may try…”

“To kill her?” Maria Hill finished. “Christ, Steve! This is why I said we should have him restrained!”

“He’s not an animal!” Steve countered, feeling his face go hot. “He’s my lo-” He stopped abruptly, deciding to opt for, “He’s my friend. And we don’t do that to friends.” His eyes went to Dr. Bruce Banner, who had backed himself into a corner in front of the staircase. He was clearly struggling with the Other Guy as his frayed nerves were probably being pushed to their limits with all that just happened.

Maria settled, standing back and nodding. “So what now?”

“We’re leaving,” Steve said.

“I’ll have JARVIS pull the car around,” Tony said, stepping over the threshold of the broken door.

Steve didn’t wait for the car. He began running as fast as he could, glad for his superhuman endurance. He heard someone shout behind him, but he was in tunnel vision. Nothing else mattered right now. Bucky was on the war path. No one else saw the maddening rage in Bucky’s eyes. Steve had been foolish to think everything was going to be okay. Of all things Bucky had to remember right now, he remembered Peggy and the relationship they all had.

He tried to turn a corner, running in the direction he knew the assisted living center to be. He bumped a car, seeing the huge dent he made. “Steve Rogers! Just call the CIA and they’ll pay for it!” he shouted back to the woman screaming after him. He couldn’t stop. He jumped a newspaper stand, narrowly missed a group of school kids in uniforms and leapt over a biker. He’d have laughed at the terrified expression on the man’s face, except Steve was so concerned about Peggy and Bucky.

His body was laced with sweat as he finally arrived at the assisted living center. He ran up the stairs, taking three at a time as he scoured them, heaving in air and praying Bucky couldn’t figure out where she was just yet. He ran into down the hallway, passing nurses who knew him by name and stating sorry over and over again as he kept running, ignoring their “long time no see’s” and “we’ve missed you’s!”

He opened the door, seeing Peggy asleep. He watched her chest rise and fall. He listened to the oxygen tank that bubbled and whizzed its sounds into the air. His breath hitched when he saw Bucky, sitting on the rocking chair with his hands folded over his mouth. “Bucky.”

His steel-blue eyes didn’t look up. They were fixed on Peggy. His brow was knit in a conflicted, angry crease.

“Bucky…” Steve said again, closing the door behind him softly, attempting not to wake Peggy. “Can we talk about this?”

Bucky’s shoulders were shaking. Steve couldn’t see the storm on Bucky’s calm face, but he could see it in the rigid posture of Bucky’s body and those shaking shoulders. He couldn’t imagine the turmoil that Bucky was in. He could barely imagine the turmoil Bucky had gone through back in the war with this situation either. Steve wished he had handled it better. It was the biggest regret he had.

“Please, Bucky? Don’t…don’t do anything,” Steve pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper.

Bucky finally looked at him. The gaze was void of emotion, cold and calculating. Like a cougar deciding if it was hungry or not. Steve felt his breath hitch as he was face to face with the Winter Solider, and not Bucky Barnes. The man he loved, that had been slowly, slowly coming out again, he was tucked so far behind those angry orbs that Steve wasn’t sure that this would end in anything but a bullet to the chest. He assumed Bucky was unarmed, but that didn’t mean anything.

“Please, Bucky,” Steve whimpered, feeling like if he moved, he’d cause Bucky to move and this could just all escalate way too quickly and the last thing he wanted to do was wake Peggy or cause her death by Bucky’s hand. “You know I love you.”

“Do I?” the voice was disconnected, raspy and…jaded.

“I’ve loved you since we were kids. I loved you since the day you punched out that…Joe kid who hit me for calling him out for stealing that other girl’s lunch money. You’ve always been the love of my life. Peggy…” His voice broke as he felt panic grab his heartstrings, plucking them violently and slicing them away, forcing his heart to fall. “Peggy was…she was beautiful, and I…I cared for her but−”

“Shut up, Rogers,” Bucky growled. “I shouldn’t know her.”

Steve blinked, unsure of where this was now going. “What?”

“I don’t know her. Why…why do I know her?”

Steve felt his facial muscles relax. Maybe Bucky wasn’t here to…kill Peggy. Maybe this was just how he handled a memory as big as Peggy Carter? “You met her back in World War II.”

“I wasn’t there,” Bucky responded, flatly.

“Yes you were, Bucky. The 107th. Sergeant James Barnes. You were there. So was she.”

Bucky stood up. Steve felt on edge once more. “Bucky…you knew her! You were…you were…” He racked his brain, trying desperately to find words of comfort and not ones that could bring about scorn and misery. “You were…like friends. Just…”

“I hate her,” Bucky said flatly, taking another step closer to Peggy. “I hate her and I don’t even know why.”

“Bucky please, please let’s talk about this somewhere else,” Steve whispered as loud as he could, desperately trying to convince Bucky to get out of here. His heart was racing against his chest. He felt dizzy and couldn’t decide if he was going to pass out or just start crying.

“Steve! Steve are you in there!?” Natasha called from the other side of the door. She was knocking and it was loud and fast and Peggy could hear it if Natasha kept doing it and Steve needed it to stop!

“We’re fine! Stay quiet!” Steve hissed through the door. “Please!”

“We’re all right here, Steve,” she said quietly. “Just say the word.”

“Bucky,” Steve called again. He wanted to move. He wanted to take those short steps to Bucky and push the man against the wall, or out the window or something! Anything to get him away from Peggy! “Please let’s just…let’s just go outside.”

Bucky was staring down at Peggy now, right beside her bed. His face was serene and he looked like he was staring off into the abyss. His body was relaxed but Steve knew better. He knew Bucky was more alert and aware than ever right now. “I hated her…because of you,” Bucky finally said.

“Bucky…” Steve uttered, feeling utterly helpless and overly desperate. He slumped against the door, closing his eyes. “It’s not gunna be that way this time.”

Bucky looked up, cocking a single brow. “This time? I meant the way you said her name at the dining table.” His voice was loud enough to wake Peggy.

The elderly, yet entirely beautiful woman stirred, stretching out her small, weakened legs and looked to Steve. “Steve?” she called out sleepily with a smile. There was happiness in her brown eyes, followed by rounded eyes, a gurgling, choking voice and shock. Steve couldn’t suppress the scream that ripped from his throat, shaking his bones and causing the door to move against him as he was shoved aside.

Steve crumpled to the floor as Natasha, Sam, Tony, Bruce and Clint all came rushing in. “He’s jumping!” Clint shouted, pulling out an arrow and shooting it, narrowly missing Bucky as he deflected it with his metal arm.

“Peggy! Oh my God, Peggy!” Natasha cried. She grabbed at the woman’s neck, trying her hardest to keep the blood inside but the wound was too deep. “Peggy no! Peggy stay with us!”

Bruce moved her away, placing his hands against the open, bleeding wound. “Get a doctor! Now!” he yelled. Clint was flying down the hallway. Steve was still sitting there, shock enveloping his body, curling around his senses and hollowing out a piece of his soul. Bucky had taken a switchblade, probably something he pick pocketed from someone on his way here and had slit Peggy’s throat with it. He’d actually done it. But he didn’t do it because of the past; he did it because of now… Bucky didn’t truly remember Peggy. It was clear he knew her in some way shape or form, but not from the memories Steve had. These were the acts of a wild, jealous animal, crazed and desperate.

“Keep your eyes open Peggy! Peggy listen to my voice! Hold on! Please hold on!” Natasha kept crying out as she stood over Peggy with Bruce. Bruce’s hands expertly wrapped the corners of the sheets against Peggy’s neck, pressing into that soft neck as hard as he could to keep blood in, but not to cut her breathing. But it wasn’t enough, and Steve knew it. He watched Peggy’s eyes flutter. He watched her elderly body, once so full of life and power, struggle against her lack of air as she kept gurgling blood and gasping. She was dying. She was dying and it was because of Bucky and Steve had let it happen.

Tony and Clint had come back with more doctors, but it was already too late. Bruce had backed away, shaking his head desperately as he tried to offer an explanation that he couldn’t truly give. Natasha looked to Steve, but he remained completely unresponsive on the floor, staring out into nothing, horrified that he could have done something yet he choose to believe in Bucky. Bucky wasn’t there anymore. Bucky was…a whole other person, full of conflicted emotions, fear and so much anger. This mistake had cost Peggy’s life.

“Steve…I’m…I’m so sorry,” Tony said, leaning down and gripping his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

Steve didn’t respond. He kept staring at a corner of the sterile room, shock still plaguing his body.

“Time of death, 7:42 AM,” a doctor was saying, but Steve didn’t want to listen anymore.

“I did this,” he breathed out. “I brought Bucky here… I tru−” His voice broke off into a sob. “I trusted him!”

Tony wrapped an arm around Steve, pulling him in and allowing the much larger man to cry into his shoulder. “I know you did. I know you wanted to believe in him. But… we have to look at the facts. That’s not your Bucky. He hasn’t been for so long.”

Tony’s words were soft and trying their best at being soothing but Steve hated those words. “He loves me. I know he does. He’s…it’s the small things he’s done,” Steve sobbed. “I know he does!”

Tony rubbed his hand up and down Steve’s back, heaving a long sigh. “We can talk about this later. Right now…just cry. Just get it all out, big guy.”

And Steve did just that. He cried. Peggy was dead, and it was all his fault.

* * *

 

Bucky had managed to sneak into a department store to steal some clothes and a hat before anyone was none-the-wiser. He pulled the black hat further against his head, seeing the brim in his direct eye-sight. The shirt was loose, which hid his muscular build and long enough that he could hide his fingers under the cuffs. He walked calmly into the crowed of D.C, making his way to the hospital he knew Rumlow to be at. He had no remorse for what he’d done.

Peggy was getting in the way of the mission. Peggy was going to compromise Steve and offer him the protection of the CIA and HYDRA couldn’t have that. Not only that, Bucky could hear the love and adoration Steve had for Peggy. Why? She was a weak, old dame with no reason to live anymore. Bucky figured he’d done her a service, and he pushed it aside, thinking nothing more on the subject.

Steve was _his_.

He decided to take a taxi, after asking directions to the George Washington University Hospital. It was much further away from the assisted living center than he felt necessary to walk. Besides, he needed to lose the Avengers.

The idea of seeing Rumlow again was freeing. He’d been feeling so many conflicting emotions as of late, that knowing he was to report to a HYDRA agent soon was rather calming. It put everything back into perspective. He’d been slowly losing his way with Steve, allowing Steve’s gaze to stop his heart, his touches to excite Bucky. Bucky wasn’t human. He wasn’t a person and he shouldn’t feel the way he did.

But oh, but he did. He loved Steve’s rough fingers, brushing up and down his flesh arm as they looked at each other at night. He loved the awkward moments where he’d catch Steve’s gaze on his ass. He loved being able to curl into Steve’s arms on the couch. After the day where…Bucky had…done that thing with Steve… the blonde had been so reserved. He’d not wanted to allow Bucky closer, and he always asked over and over if this was okay or what Bucky wanted. Bucky had to fight twice as hard for the few days that followed before arriving here in D.C to prove to Steve that he did want Steve’s touch. They hadn’t been so intimate since, and it all could probably be seen as friendly, but Bucky had relished in the attention.

But he couldn’t…not anymore. Steve was his mission and now the panic was starting to set in as Bucky started to realize what he’d just done. He grabbed his head, feeling the throbbing pain set in as he could see Peggy Carter’s face clearer now. She was hugging Steve…why was she hugging Steve? Why was Steve dressed in green US military attire and why did Bucky see this?

He wasn’t James Barnes! He smashed his metal hand into the taxi’s door, causing a large dent.

“What the fuck!” the taxi cab driver said. Bucky pulled out the switchblade, pressing it to the man’s throat. His eyes widened in horror.

“You keep driving and you get to live,” Bucky said coolly.

“I-I-I’ve got a family, mister! I’ve got three kids and a wife!”

“Just keep driving,” Bucky growled. He wasn’t reckless, not alone. He knew dropping bodies would only lead Steve to him and he couldn’t let that happen. He had to play this very, very specifically now.

The consequences of his actions were weighing heavily on him as he realized his terrible mistake. He needed Peggy out of the picture, but now Bucky could have possibly put himself back on the hostile list. However, he had supervised Steve extensively now. He hadn’t seen Steve in action, except when the two of them were fighting on the helicarrier. Perhaps this was best. Perhaps the mission was over.

His heart sank. He hated the idea of never seeing Steve look at him with those ocean-blue eyes and that smile. He hated the idea of not hearing “what are you thinking” or “what do you want for dinner?” Bucky sighed, no…the Asset sighed. This was his mission. HYDRA’s cause. He’d completed it. It was time to report to Rumow and be informed the next stage.

* * *

 

The Asset didn’t kill the cab driver. He knew the man saw his face, but when it came out that his description was that of a dead man’s face, things would probably settle down. James Barnes was dead and had been dead since World War II. The Asset didn’t have anything to fear when the cab driver described a dead man.

He walked into the hospital, ducking his face from each passerby and heading to the burn unit. Casually, he strolled down the long hallway of the burn unit, scanning the files and watching for the only name that should matter to him. Brock Rumlow.

He entered the room, seeing the television on. Brock’s eyes were open, but he didn’t look to be in the best of shape. Most of his body was covered with healing scars of burns and skin grafts. “Rumlow, sir” he called.

The man’s brown eyes flickered over to him. He smirked. “Thought you were dead.” 

“I was completing Pierce’s last mission,” he stated flatly. Sitting down next to Rumlow. “You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit,” he responded. He attempted a small laugh, but his face only knitted up in pain. “You were with Rogers?”

“Yes. I’ve completed my report on him,” the Asset stated matter-of-fact.

“Actually,” Rumlow began. “We need to you to keep with the Avengers for a bit longer.”

“Sir,” the Asset attempted to interject.

“HYDRA’s regrouping. They’ve decided to go in a different angle on you. Rogers thinks you’re his long lost best friend, so let him keep thinking that. Be our eyes and ears with them. You keeping up on them will help us stop them when we make our next big move.”

“I don’t know if that’ll be possible, sir,” the Asset said steadily. “I killed Peggy Carter.”

Rumlow laughed, wincing at the pain. “Oh Jesus! You did not!”

“I’ve failed,” the Asset said softly, feeling like he wanted to curl in on himself. HYDRA would be disappointed in him. He had just been so angry… the way Steve had said Peggy’s name, the look in his eye. The Asset wanted to be the only one to make Steve look like that…

“You didn’t fail, _Bucky_ ,” Rumlow said, spitting out the nickname. It wasn’t meant to be rude, just pointed. “We can recover from this. But you need to play your part perfectly. Can you do that for me, Bucky?”

Bucky smiled, feeling hope elate his heart as he was being given the chance to redeem himself for HYDRA…and for Steve. “Yes, sir.” How exactly, was another question entirely, but he’d meet that or die trying in the name of HYDRA.

“We need you to infiltrate the Avengers. You’ll be making bi-weekly reports to us. There’s a phone in that bag over there.” Rumlow used his head to point in the direction. “We had a pretty good guess you’d come find me. Ya know, if you weren’t dead. Which thankfully you’re not.”

Bucky went over and grabbed the bag, looking inside. There was a phone, a journal, that was actually a tablet inside, a gun with a silencer, and a wifi hotspot.

“All of it is untraceable. Just keep it hidden; otherwise you’re cover’s blown. Keep up what you’re doing with Steve. You’ve got a lot of work with him now though…being you killed his girl and all…but,” he paused, flashing a fox’s grin. “I’m pretty sure with a face like yours; you could talk yourself out of it.”

Bucky cocked a brow, feeling completely uncertain how he’d manage to explain away the murder of Peggy Carter.

“You cut your hair, just like James Barnes,” Rumlow began. “Steve likes it that way, huh?”

Bucky ran his fingers though his hair, feeling the silken strands. “Yeah. I wanted to look more like Barnes,” he mumbled. “What are the mission parameters now?”

“Bi-weekly check-in’s, as I said. You’re gunna keep tabs on all the Avengers. Find out their weaknesses, their strengths, find anything you can on them. When we’ve got everything in order, you’re going to kill them off, one by one. We’ll help you make it look like an accident.”

This wasn’t Pierce’s plan. Pierce’s plan was simple and straight to the point. This one was clearly Rumlow’s or someone higher than him. It was seizing the opportunity that Bucky now presented, but it wasn’t the best of plans. However, who was Bucky to question HYDRA? He owed them everything.

“And Rogers?” Bucky asked, feeling his stomach churning at the thought of really having to kill him.

“We’re still thinking about him. We may bring him into the Asset program if we get our stuff back from the CIA.”

“I might be able to help with that,” Bucky said. “The Avengers are here to retrieve all the data on me.”

Rumlow’s eyes widened. “No. You gotta destroy that shit. If you can get your hands on it, you destroy it, you here me?”

“Isn’t it useful for the next Asset?”

“You’re the only one we really need, Bucky!” Rumlow protested, a bit too quickly. Something was wrong here. Rumlow was never this anxious or pointed about something. The information on those computers was clearly a subject of controversy, but whether HYDRA or Rumlow wanted the files removed was another story, and Bucky wasn’t sure he could figure it out. But he liked hearing he was the only Asset needed. It instilled a whole new appreciation for Rumlow.

“Look,” Rumlow said, wincing through the pain of his healing skin grafts. “We don’t know what we’re going to do with Rogers yet, but that data is…it’s dangerous in the wrong hands. HYDRA would rather have it destroyed than fall into the Avengers hands. You’ll destroy it. That’s an order.”

Bucky snapped up straight, standing at his full height. “Yessir,” he responded automatically as his HYDRA programming snapped him out of questioning Rumlow; his handler. On a hospital bed or not, Rumlow still was Bucky’s direct supervisor.

“Destroy those computers. Get the Red Room machines back, but destroy the data. Got it?”

“Understood, sir,” Bucky responded flatly.

“Now get out of here before some Avenger comes sniffing around and you blow your cover,” Rumlow said, but his tone was gentle. Bucky hadn’t realized he’d missed him so much till he was standing right before him like this.

Bucky walked the halls of the hospital, unsure how to approach this situation now. Steve… How was he going to approach Steve. Walking up to him and saying sorry was certainly not going to cut it. Steve had just witnessed one love kill another in cold-blood. Bucky scrunched up his face, pouting his bottom lip. What had he done?

* * *

 

Bucky had circled the block where the Avengers were several times now. He knew Steve was in there, but he was surrounded by everyone else. They were all like annoying flies hanging around a lantern. Natasha and Sam wouldn’t leave Steve’s side, but the rest filtered in and out on occasion. Bucky had waited for the extreme early hours of the morning, hoping that everyone would be out of Steve’s room to let him sleep by this point. He parkoured up the red-brick townhouse’s front, peaking into the window of Steve’s bedroom. It was dark and Bucky could barely make out the shape of a man in the bed.

He silently opened the window, but Steve was fast. Steve had shoved Bucky against the wall, one hand around his throat, but not squeezing, just enough force to hold him there. It was too dark for Bucky to really see Steve’s eyes but he could guess Steve was pissed, or sad; probably a bit of both actually.

“Who are you?” Steve hissed into the night, careful to keep his voice down.

Bucky blinked, unsure how to answer this question. Did Steve know he wasn’t actually the real Bucky? “B-Bucky,” he whispered, bringing his flesh hand to meet Steve’s. “Steve please, let me explain.”

He could hear Steve’s sobs. Each one broke Bucky’s heart a bit more. He wanted to pull this man into him and fall to the floor like they had done the day Steve came to Stark Tower. Steve kept his hand in place. Bucky’s feet were barely touching the floor. He could easily maneuver out of this position, but he felt it made a stronger point to let Steve feel he had the upper hand.

“You didn’t let me explain,” Steve cried softly. “You just took that knife…” His voice cracked as he heaved another sob. “What have they done to you?”

Bucky furrowed his brow, unsure of the “who” in this situation. He brought his left hand up now, brushing the fingers over Steve’s, lightly, like a cool feather on a winter morning. Steve let Bucky slip down the wall so he was standing firmly now, but he didn’t release his hand from around Bucky’s neck.

“I can’t…” Bucky spoke softly. “I can’t apologize for what I did…not because I don’t want to, but because it won’t change anything. I killed her. I can’t take it back. So if you need to kill me…just do it.”

Steve heaved a large sigh, trying to stifle a sob that managed to crawl from his throat. “Just…tell me why. Why’d you do it?”

Bucky remembered the panic he’d felt. Peggy Carter…he’d never met her, he’d never seen her, even in his Google searches, but he somehow knew exactly what she looked like and the feeling of ravenous jealously that seared into Bucky’s body had been so possessive and overwhelming, he could barely see straight. “Because you loved her more than me.”

It was half the truth. But Bucky wasn’t going to explain that he’d killed her simply to keep Steve all to himself. Steve wasn’t just Bucky’s. He was Natasha’s, Tony’s, Clint’s, Bruce’s… He was Hill’s and the American people’s. He belonged to all of them, and Bucky hated that. He wanted Steve’s eyes to only look at him, and Steve’s mouth to only speak to him… He’d become so intoxicated on Steve’s affections and attention that he’d forgotten that Steve wasn’t an Asset. He was a fully functioning human being. He wasn’t like Bucky, and Bucky was so scared of losing him. If HYDRA wanted him dead, fine, he’d gladly be the one to deal the killing blow, but not a second before.

Steve’s face dropped against Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky could feel the hot tears that cooled against his skin. He felt Steve’s broad, strong chest heave, inhale and exhale at odd, uneven bursts as Steve cried as softly as he could. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve, using his flesh hand to cup the back of Steve’s head and stroke his fingers though the short hair lightly. “I can’t change what I did, Steve.”

“I-I know,” Steve sobbed. His breath was hot against Bucky’s skin. He wanted to lean into the warmth, to force Steve’s lips against his skin but he remained still. “And I can’t forgive you.”

Bucky’s heart stopped. He felt his toes run cold and his eyes shot open to round, scared circles. His hand hesitated at the back of Steve’s head. He was waiting for the knife in the gut or the gunshot, but none of that came. Steve kept crying into Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky stood there, completely confused and frozen. “Where does that leave us?” Bucky asked.

“Dunno,” Steve mumbled. His sobbing was starting to slow down, but he kept his weight pressed into Bucky. “I keep telling myself that you’d never do such a thing if it weren’t for HYDRA. That somehow, HYDRA did this to you and you were just a pawn but, you weren’t. You honest to God took a blade and pressed it against…” He choked back a sob. “Against Peggy’s throat.”

Bucky wanted to pull away. He didn’t like feeling so exposed. Steve could easily press a knife up into Bucky’s ribs, but his body was pushed so close that Bucky couldn’t pull his arms down to protect himself. He stood there, wincing and afraid, waiting for a blade that didn’t seem like it wanted to appear anytime soon. “I saw…” Bucky mumbled. “I saw her face. In my head and…I got so…” He sucked in a gasp of air. “I got so angry, Steve.”

“So you killed her?” Steve’s voice was so child-like. Looking back, it was the stupidest thing Bucky had ever done, but he couldn’t _tolerate_ knowing that woman was alive and that Steve loved her. It would have eventually ripped Bucky apart.

“I killed her…because I love you, Steve,” Bucky said, feeling tears slip from his eyes. “I don’t know who I am or what I’ve become.” Bucky opted for a more pity-filled route, hoping that Steve would do something other than cry, maybe even just say he accepted what Bucky had done, and they could just move on. “I’m so sorry,” _‘No I’m not.’ H_ e sobbed, grabbing Steve tighter, wrapping his arms so strongly around Steve’s neck, he was sure the other felt pain. “I don’t know who I am.”

Steve pulled Bucky’s arms from his neck. He held both hands; metal and flesh, running his thumbs over Bucky’s knuckles. “I don’t know who you are either,” he stated before dropping Bucky’s hands and walking to his bed where he wrapped the blankets around himself, and turned his back to Bucky.

Bucky stood there, his eyes wide and his heart racing up into his throat. He could hear his pulse, screaming in his ear as he felt his whole body coming, crashing down around him, slumping into a pile of self-pity and hatred on the floor. Steve didn’t forgive him. Steve didn’t know him. He wasn’t going to ask Bucky what he wanted for breakfast anymore. He wasn’t going to ask Bucky what he was thinking or if he was okay. Bucky had lost Steve. He’d failed his mission even before it had started.

Bucky was in love with Steve. HYDRA or not, Bucky was in love with a man that now hated him, probably more than he hated anything else; HYDRA included.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hurt me. Let me know what you think! I'd love to talk to you!  
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!


	6. What Is Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! I'm so sorry this took a week (or week and a half? 2 weeks?) I'm a law student, and we're now in our final exam week. It's been murder. 
> 
> SO! I didn't expect this chapter to get so...dark...but it did. Oops. Uh...don't hate me?
> 
> Thank you for the comments, kudos, bookmarks, ect. I love, love, love sharing this with you all (I have no Stucky friends IRL, in fact, I have no friends who are obsessed with Marvel like me...) So I love talking to youuuuuu! Also we should add each other on tumblr and be friends, cause I need Stucky friends. Like srsly.

Steve hadn’t slept that night. Bucky had curled into the chair, silently, like a cat. Steve couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes. He was pretty sure Bucky wasn’t sleeping either, but the drapes were pulled and the only light offered in the room was the soft glint of Bucky’s metal arm. Steve couldn’t see Bucky’s eyes and Bucky couldn’t see his. This had all been a mistake. Steve had been so sure of Bucky. Bucky had been doing so well. He’d been progressing, smiling, laughing… How did this happen? How did they get here?

Steve pulled his knees up, cradling his shins as he kept facing Bucky. He wouldn’t make the mistake of losing that gentle glint in the darkness. He wouldn’t make the mistake of allowing Bucky to kill someone else, or worse…slip away. Bucky was better here than he was out there. If he was out there, Steve couldn’t stop him.

_Stop him…_

The words were hollow and full of so much misery that Steve thought his throat would close in. He gasped, pretending it was a yawn, but he was smarter than that. He knew Bucky was smarter than that too. They both knew. Steve couldn’t trust Bucky anymore. This…this wasn’t Bucky. This was a man so broken and mangled and…twisted…that there wasn’t anywhere out in the world for him. Steve had to do something about it.

But what? That face was Bucky Barnes. That soft, raspy voice… It was Bucky. But it wasn’t Bucky. It was a shell of a human who once walked the earth but now it was just a hollow corpse, too tired to go on, but strong enough to keep walking. It had no sense of morality, no sense of right or wrong and it was Steve’s problem now.

Steve’s eyes shot wide as he realized he’d reduced Bucky to an “it.” The thought was tossed aside quickly. Bucky was a person. He was a human and he deserved the respect of being called one. Steve just…didn’t know what to do with…him.

After Peggy’s…death… Steve had agreed to negotiate with the CIA. He’d agreed to have a sit down with Sharon and her superiors. He’d agreed to be _collared_. Bucky was the result of someone off their leash and Steve wouldn’t become that. He wouldn’t be the reason someone’s aunt was dead…not again. He had to be Bucky’s leash just as much as the CIA had to be Steve’s. It disgusted him, but there it was.

The Avengers though… What would they do now? Tony had already been planning to notify the military of Bucky and his existence, his true existence, not just the Winter Soldier propaganda and terrorism bits. The whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God and all that stuff. Steve figured he’d let Tony tell them. Perhaps- it was better this way…

His stomach churned violently. He clutched at his skin, feeling his nails dig into the skin, raising little red lines. The very thought of allowing Bucky to be taken away, to be thrown in a cell to rot or just be shot… No. Steve wouldn’t allow it. He’d have to talk to Tony. He’d have to convince Tony this was better. Bucky needed Steve.

Steve straightened out, stretching out in the bed, pointing his toes till the muscles threatened to clench. His spine cracked as he stretched, arching in his back. He collapsed back. He wasn’t going to sleep. This was going to be the longest night ever. He looked over to Bucky. He hadn’t moved, not even a single twitch. It was like he was…shut down. Offline. Could that happen? Was it possible that Bucky would just go…offline? Was there some part of HYDRA’s programming that they didn’t understand that could completely switch off the brain to a temporary hibernating state? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to know honestly. They barely understood HYDRA’s work with the Winter Soldier. They needed the data from the CIA. Steve would need to negotiate for it. Though, asking for that was like alerting the entire United States government that Bucky was the Winter Soldier and that would backfire immensely against Steve.

Between the CIA and the Avengers, Steve wasn’t sure which side was safer for Bucky now. Everyone had seen Peggy… They’d seen the blood and the horror-filled look that froze in her eyes till Nat closed her eyelids. They’d heard the gurgling. They were all upset for Steve, but while their grief was sympathetic toward him, they were enraged against Bucky.

Steve licked his lips, staring up at the ceiling now. Bucky wasn’t safe anywhere. Avengers, CIA, prison, a garbage dump in an alleyway… He couldn’t be trusted on his own and he couldn’t be trusted with anyone around him. Sighing heavily, Steve looked over again. Bucky was like a corpse, curled up in a chair with his metal hand just hanging, lifelessly over the armrest. No movement, no sound. It was as if he’d just fallen asleep and instead God decided to take him home to heaven.

Would Bucky even go to Heaven after all that had happened? After Peggy. Steve was a spiritual man, but it wasn’t something he thought of daily. Bucky’s existence brought so many questions that Steve couldn’t withstand right now. He stilled, forcing his eyes closed. He wouldn’t sleep tonight. But he’d lie here; occasionally looking to Bucky’s stilled body. He’d just…lay here. It was all he could do right now. Peggy was dead, the Avengers were angry, Bucky was…completely broken and barely human and Steve, Steve was utterly lost, uncertain and on the verge of a meltdown.

* * *

 

Steve hadn’t spoken to Bucky since last night. He’d look at him, watch Bucky’s face contort into a thousand different little, strangled emotions but Steve wouldn’t inquire. He wouldn’t ask. He would just walk away. Bucky hadn’t moved from the chair. Steve had gone downstairs, grabbed breakfast and spoken soft, uncertain pleasantries with Maria and Clint, but Bucky hadn’t moved an inch. The only sign of life was in that face. Bucky’s stubble was a juxtaposition of color against his pale skin. His eyes were rimmed red, as if he’d been crying, but no tears ever swelled and no tear stains caressed his face. Steve didn’t ask why. He didn’t want to. He couldn’t bring himself to speak to Bucky. He couldn’t listen to that caramel smooth voice with its hint of crinkling, fallen leaves. He couldn’t watch those eyes swell and wax and wane. Bucky had killed Peggy. Bucky had elected, on his own, to kill Peggy Carter. And what made it so much worse was that Steve knew… Steve knew what was coming and he hadn’t moved. He didn’t budge. He’d been so scared to upset Bucky that he’d neglected to protect Peggy. It was his fault. Bucky was responsible. He was responsible. It was their fault; collectively.

Steve had slid into a chair in the dining room, seeing Tony and Natasha walk down the stairs. Their faces were tight and heavy bags clung to their eyes. No one seemed to have slept last night. “Morning, Steve,” Natasha said in her raspy tone.

“Morning,” he greeted automatically.

“I’m making breakfast, if you two want some,” Maria said as she poked her head in before going back into the kitchen.

Tony sat at the table, placing a hand on Steve’s shoulder gently. “I’m calling Rhodey.”

Steve winced. He clicked his tongue, sighing. “N-no. Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Steve,” Natasha protested. “He killed Peggy. We can’t control him.”

Steve wanted to defend Bucky. He wanted to say that no one should control Bucky but Bucky. He wanted to rise up and proclaim his conviction and dedication to Bucky, but he just didn’t have it in him. Bucky wasn’t Bucky. Not anymore. He was a creature stripped of humanity and morality. Even if the old Bucky would slip in every now and then; it wasn’t real. It was all an illusion. That’s all this had been since the start− a pretty illusion with a nice, neat bow atop it. So Steve sighed, meeting his friends’ gazes in turn. He leaned back from the table, watching as Maria set two plates of eggs and bacon in front of Nat and Tony. He watched them silently thank Maria before meeting Steve’s gaze again. “So we turn him in to the government? They’ll kill him.”

“They have to find him first,” Tony corrected.

Steve’s eyes rounded. He hadn’t realized no one else knew. Truthfully, he did, deep down. He did realize he was hiding Bucky’s location, even from his friends. But to hear it so loudly. To be sitting here and know that he was still protecting Bucky even after all that had happened… it was eye-opening. He was protecting Bucky. The Bucky who had slit Peggy Carter’s throat. He was protecting him. Steve bit his lip, watching as Tony took the first few bites of his bacon. It smelled good, but Steve couldn’t stomach anything more than dry toast and yogurt.

“Rhodey will make sure they don’t execute him. He’ll go on trial,” Natasha said, grabbing Steve’s wrist and giving it a quick squeeze.

Steve looked up when he heard feet against the hardwood of the staircase. He expected to see brown hair, large blue eyes with cascading, deep, long lashes− but it wasn’t. It was Sam. His color hid the bags under his eyes, but Steve knew Sam well enough now to know Sam hadn’t slept much either. “Hey,” Steve greeted.

Sam nodded, dragging himself into the kitchen, most likely going for the coffee.

“So he gets a trial and then what? Execution? Life in prison?” Steve asked.

Tony scoffed. “C’mon, Rogers,” he began. “You can’t honestly expect America to just…let it all go. Peggy was the last nail in Barnes’ coffin. You can’t make excuses for him. He did that.”

“I know, Stark!” Steve said; his voice raising. He looked at his companions, watching as their eyes grew wide and their mouths went slack. Natasha’s eyes were raw, open and flowing with so much anxiety and confliction that Steve wasn’t entirely sure she was surprised at Steve or more surprised at Tony’s frank wording. “I know,” he said quieter. “He did that. I’m not making an excuse. Just…what if he’s−”

“Insane? Broken? Mentally checked out?” Tony offered. “Steve, that’s all the more reason to put him down.”

“He’s a rabid dog, Steve,” Clint said from a corner. Steve wasn’t remotely surprised Clint had made it into a corner in the room without anyone so much as glancing his way. They were all more than used to his fancy of corners and high vantage points by now. “You put rabid dogs down.”

Steve’s hands balled into fists. He felt his nails getting dangerously close to breaking skin. He ground his teeth against themselves, mashing loudly as he fought back the outburst. Even after all this… He was still willing to protect Bucky. He was still willing to look past this. Looking past it and forgiving though…those were two entirely different things. “We’re not putting anyone down, Clint,” he said evenly. “We’re not telling Rhodey. I’m going to deal with this.”

“Steve,” Natasha began, but Steve put up a hand to silence her.

“He’s the last thing I have,” Steve said softly, losing his composure. His vision blurred as he looked down at the dining room table. “After he’s gone…I’m all that’s left. Peggy’s gone. The Commandos…they’re either dead, dying or too far out of my reach, and it’s not fair to them to see me like this when they’re like…” He broke off, taking in a gasp of air as he shoved the sob back. He wouldn’t cry. Everyone was staring at him as if he’d shatter into pieces and he _hated_ how they were looking at him with big, open, sympathetic eyes. “They were Bucky’s before they were mine.”

Tony stood up, standing behind Steve and rubbing at his shoulders lightly. “We know, Cap,” he said softly. “We create our own demons. Believe me, I know. It’s hard to let them go.”

Natasha pursed her lips, caressing her thumb over Steve’s wrist where she still held. “The people aren’t safe with him out there. You’re not safe with him out there,” she said.

Wanting this to end more than anything, Steve heaved a heavy sigh, tensing up as the words trickled out of his mouth like traitorous spies, “He’s upstairs. In my room.”

Everyone seemed to take a step back, eyes going round and mouths hanging open almost in stupors. “Jesus Christ, Rogers!” Clint shouted, moving to the stairs, Sam right behind him.

“No!” Steve shouted, standing up. “No, please. Don’t do this.”

Clint hesitated for a minute, but it was Sam who spoke. “What did I tell you about this guy, Rogers?” He furrowed his brow, pressing his lips together as he waited for Steve to respond, but when he didn’t, Sam said, “He’s not the kind you save.”

Steve just shook his head from side to side, watching as Sam and Clint climbed the stairs. He watched as Tony and Natasha followed up the rear and Maria took her place next to Steve, covering his hand with hers. Before she could lace her fingers around his, Steve was jolted out of his haze. He stood abruptly, climbing the stairs frantically and pushing past Natasha and Tony into the room, watching as Clint had an arrow trained on Bucky. Steve had expected some kind of physical altercation. He expected arrows and shouts and scuffles. He didn’t expect to see Bucky, staring at the wall with his lips cracked and mouth the tiniest bit parted. He didn’t expect to see Bucky’s cheeks glistening with silver streaks from fresh tears. His heart squeezed. Bucky was there, bleeding through the corpse of the Winter Soldier. He was seeping through the cracks, suffering as much as Steve, knowing what was happening and being helpless but to continue living this nightmare. Steve could see it. It was in the way those steel-blues glistened the tiniest bit when they saw Steve. It was the remorse that was so heavily etched into those features it was a wonder his face wasn’t shattering from the strain. Bucky…Steve’s Bucky…was there, just trapped and scared and Steve was the only person who could do anything about it.

“Stop!” Steve shouted, moving to place himself between Bucky and everyone else. His brow was creased as he looked up from under dark lashes, his blue eyes dimming a few shades from the intensity of his gaze. He was standing in a threatening stance, ready to lunge, his hands held out around his thighs, just waiting for someone to come at him.

Everyone crowded into the room, even Bruce was poking his head in from the doorway. He seemed to have been the only one able to sleep. Steve didn’t hold it against him. Steve was glad he got some shut-eye.

“Everyone, just… _calm down_ ,” Steve said, watching his friends, his Avengers…his team.

“Steve,” Tony said, stepping forward cautiously. “You realize what you’re doing?”

Steve blinked, unprepared for the question. He cocked his head to the side.

“Steve, that man…” Tony pointed to Bucky. “He killed Peggy in cold blood. Cold blood, big guy. How long’s it going to be till he does it again? What if you drop another name and he decides to go on a killing spree?”

Steve flinched. He looked over his shoulder to Bucky. Steel-blues were still transfixed on the wall as tears continued to silently stream from his face. “Let me get one thing…really clear…to all of you,” Steve said evenly, meeting everyone’s gaze. “I’m not protecting him. I’m watching him. You think the US government’s going to be able to contain him? You think it’s safe giving him to soldiers with families? I’m protecting _them_ from _him_!”

Clint dropped his bow, putting the arrow back into the quiver. “Steve’s right.”

Natasha also relaxed, but her expression was tight, as if she was simply putting her faith in Clint and not Steve.

“I’m going to negotiate with the CIA. No one gets to know about Bucky. Not the CIA, not the military, not some super secret agency I haven’t heard of. This is my burden. You’re all free to go,” Steve said, standing up straight and crossing his arms over his chest. “There’s no Avengers or S.H.I.E.L.D to keep you here.”

“That’s the thing, Steve,” Sam said. “No one’s telling us to stay. We’re staying because we’re your friends. You’re gonna need help babysitting him.”

Steve felt his back muscles tense at the notion of having to babysit Bucky. Sam wasn’t far off from the truth though. Bucky had become just as much a prisoner here as he was with HYDRA. He couldn’t leave. Steve wouldn’t let him. Steve would track him down and…do whatever was necessary to make sure Bucky didn’t kill again. “Maria, get Sharon. Tell her I want to meet.”

Maria nodded and headed out of the overly-crowded room.

Steve wasn’t surprised at his friends’ behavior. He expected this. People like them weren’t exactly common. Who else could Steve share his life experiences with, if not these people? They all had histories and skeletons they weren’t proud of. Steve used to think his only major fault was having to end lives in the name of his country, but it had been HYDRA and Nazis, and they were all evil… Bucky was officially the dark stain on Steve’s ledger. He was officially the skeleton that lingered in Steve’s closet.

Tony stepped forward, shaking his head. “Steve…this is a mistake.”

“It’s my mistake to make, Stark,” Steve growled. He balled up his fists, straightening out so that he towered over Tony’s smaller form.

Tony gave one last, lingering look at Bucky before scoffing and heading out, Bruce falling in toe behind him.

“You got something snappy to say too?” Steve asked, directing it at Sam.

“Steve,” Natasha interjected. “They’re just worried about you.”

“I’m fine!” he said, a bit too loudly. “Everyone just needs to back the hell off.”

Clint and Natasha took that as their hint. Silently, they made their way out of the room, but Sam lingered. He stood there, his chin held high and his eyes fixed on Steve.

“Sam…”

“No, Steve, listen,” Sam began. “I’m with you, man. We’re all with you. But things are gonna change. It’s only a matter of time before something else happens. We can’t trust him like we thought we could. That’s all I’m saying. Just…be ready, and don’t hesitate when it happens. That’s all I ask.”

Steve didn’t answer. He watched as Sam held up his hands in surrender, exiting the room and closing the door behind him. Steve was left with Bucky. The room was painfully silent, save for Steve’s racing heartbeat. He turned around, looking to Bucky.

Bucky was sitting there, still in the same position from the night before; though his eyes were fixed on Steve. Those eyes were dark now, dark and cloudy. Steve didn’t know what to expect, so he huffed out all the anger he had been holding back and sat heavily onto the bed, hearing the metal springs protest in earnest. They both sat there in the heavy silence for what felt like an eternity.

Steve had defied all logic because of gut-feeling. Bucky was dangerous. Bucky was a murderer. Bucky wasn’t the same Bucky who left for England back in the 40’s and he wasn’t the same Bucky that fell from the train. It would have made sense to hand him over to the government. Steve could wash his hands from the guilt that hit him every second that Bucky still drew breath. Bucky was his fault too. Peggy and Bucky were both doomed because of Steve. Steve had asked Bucky to join the fight again, to get back into the thick of it when he had a chance to be out and of course Bucky had followed, because Bucky loved Steve more than life. He’d have gladly given his life for Steve, but he didn’t even get to do that because of Steve. Steve was the reason he’d been brainwashed, tortured, beaten, dehumanized, reprogrammed, undone…

Steve sighed heavily, trying to steady his fraying nerves. His fingers trembled lightly as he thought back to when he first saw Bucky at Stark Tower. Those eyes had been dead. That body had been changed. Everything was different, but Steve was blinded by it. He was blind and ignorant to the idea that Bucky would never be the same again. He’d been so hopeful that Bucky would remember himself and all this could be set aside, but it seemed like a lost dream at this point. This Bucky…this…monster… was the thing that was left, and Steve had to own up to him, because he’d created him. He’d created this Bucky. He did this.

“Steve…”

Ocean-blue’s rounded as the raspy sound rocked through his body like a gentle ocean wave. Steve gripped the bed, suppressing the shiver he felt.

“M’sorry.”

Steve’s back tensed and he fought the urge to curl in on himself and just…lose it. He closed his eyes, listening to his breathing, focusing on the gentle way his chest rose and fell.

His eyes snapped open as he felt weight next to him. Bucky had moved. He pressed his forehead against Steve’s shoulder. Steve could feel hot tears dampen his shirt. “M’sorry,” Bucky said again.

Steve shook his head. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t have this conversation. If he opened his mouth, it would all spill out. All his guilt, all his fears and anger… it would all be projected at Bucky and Steve knew this Bucky couldn’t take that. He’d collapse in on himself and there’d be more bodies in his wake, perhaps even Steve’s.

When Steve didn’t respond, Bucky became more agitated. He mewled, a high-pitch, desperate sound, inching closer to Steve, curling into Steve’s lap. Steve didn’t have the heart to push him away. He let this man curl into him, press fresh tears against his shirt and rest his thighs against Steve. Steve just swallowed hard, willing himself to keep quiet. His fingers trembled in rage as he looked to Bucky’s hands. _‘Those hands killed, Peggy.’_ Steve could feel his shoulders begin to tremble as he tried his best to force the anger and revulsion back down.

Bucky whined again, a desperate, animalistic sound. He grabbed at Steve’s shirt, pushing his head against Steve’s collarbone. “Steve, please…”

“Steve,” Maria called through the door, knocking a few rhythms. “Sharon’s gonna be here soon. You may want to get things settled in there and come down.”

Steve gently pushed Bucky away. He stood up, staring at the door. “Can I trust you’ll still be here when I get back?”

“Yeah,” Bucky responded weakly. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

“Then stay put. Don’t come out for any reason.”

“Yessir,” Bucky responded. Steve flinched at the way it was so automatic. Steve had given an order, and Bucky followed. HYDRA had programmed him to follow orders and Bucky listened. Bucky had just traded HYDRA for Steve…one tether for another. Steve couldn’t decide if he hated himself or HYDRA more.

* * *

 

“You’ll be an agent, basically, but pretty high-ranking. You’ll still be able to travel with the Avengers when authorized,” Sharon said from her spot on the sofa. Her tea was still steaming in front of her, creating lazy swirls in the air. Steve was more focused on that then the small resemblance in Sharon’s features that looked so much like her late aunt… Her eyes were tired and her face puffy. She’d been crying before she’d arrived. If she knew that her aunt’s killer was just directly above her head, sitting on a chair…

“When authorized?” Tony asked. “You mean he has to get permission if he wants to come up and see me?” Thankfully, Tony didn’t seem to hold onto his anger from their last conversation, but the tension in his neck and shoulders was evident, like a rock under pressure, preparing to break into pieces.

“He’ll have vacation days for visitation. Those are separate from authorized Avengers missions,” Sharon clarified. “Steve…it’s a good job.”

“Oh please!” Clint scoffed. “It’s a glorified desk job. He’ll be shaking hands with politicians more than he’ll be out in the field.”  

Sharon straightened. “Is that a bad thing? Don’t any of you get tired of fighting?”

The room fell awkwardly silent. Sam cleared his throat.

Sharon sighed. “We’ll give you all the HYDRA tech from the bank vaults, the inventory you requested. Temporarily. Again, not to mention the money and−”

“I heard you the first time, Sharon,” Steve said, a bit too icily. He felt a lump form in his throat as she winced. “I’m sorry. It’s just…well you know how it’s been.”

Sharon nodded slowly, pushing her lips together. “I loved my aunt, too. I understand.”

“So, I trade my freedom for HYDRA tech and some good benefits. That how this deal goes?” Steve concluded.

Sharon averted her gaze, her lips twitching as she seemed to struggle for something to say. “We’re not locking you in a cell. We’re just asking you report to headquarters Monday through Friday and yes…shake hands with politicians.”

Steve held out his hand for Sharon to shake. “Deal.”

Clint rolled his eyes, but Natasha merely elbowed him.

Sharon stood up, looking a thousand times more relaxed than she did when she came in. “Good. I’ll let my supervisors know. I’ll call you, okay?”

Steve nodded. “When do we get the tech?”

“I can have it delivered here today,” Sharon said as she slipped her blazer back on.

“That’d be great,” Tony answered, cracking his knuckles. “I’m dying to see what HYDRA’s got going on under the hood.”

Steve nodded. He walked Sharon to the door, freshly put up the day before by Tony and Bruce. He shifted on his feet awkwardly. “Sharon…”

“Did she suffer?”

Steve looked up, meeting her gaze. Her face was proud with her chin held high and her eyes relaxed, but Steve knew better. She was fighting off the storm inside, the anger and sadness that came as a result of losing her aunt. “It was quick; I don’t think she had time to realize what was happening.” Steve was partly lying. It was quick, but she knew. Her eyes had said everything. She’d known what was happening and she looked to Steve to do something and he’d just…stood there.

Sharon nodded. “Just catch that bastard. I want to see him dead. D.C has suffered enough of him.”

Steve’s throat squeezed. He nodded tightly, swallowing away the lump in the back of his throat. She was referring to Bucky…the monster that now resided in Steve’s closet. The man upstairs. She wanted him brought to justice and she had every right to wish it. The Winter Soldier had killed one of the founders of S.H.I.E.LD. It was making headlining news and no matter how hard Steve would fight it…he’d have to answer to the American public about what he’d seen. He’d have to lie to them and say the Winter Soldier wasn’t his lover. He’d have to lie to children and say he had no idea who he was or where he was. He’d unleash fear and insecurity as people would become distrusting of each other and have yet another reason to be afraid at night. Steve was piling up the reasons to hate himself today…and it had only been just one, single day since Peggy was murdered.

Sharon hugged Steve, catching him off guard. He hugged her back, listening to her sniffle softly. “I’ll see you soon, Steve,” she said.

Steve opened the door for her and watched her as she got into a black SUV. He lingered there in the doorway, watching cars go by and a couple walk their dog. They waved at him, the female realizing who he was as she did a double take and swung back to ask for a picture. Steve obliged, posing for her selfie, offering a soft crooked-grin instead of his usual bright smiles. He just didn’t have it in him to smile anymore, but he didn’t have it in him to turn her away. She thanked him politely before running back to her boyfriend (or fiancé, or husband or whatever, Steve didn’t know) and waved goodbye.

Steve closed the door, jogging back upstairs. Bucky was back on the chair, but he was at least sitting upright. He was lightly chewing his bottom lip. Steve had loved it when Bucky bit at his lips; with their gentle curve at the corners…

Steve averted his eyes, looking to the mirror atop the dresser. He hated himself. He hated himself because he still found Bucky to be the most breathtaking person to walk the planet. His face was porcelain flawless, stubble and worry lines and all. His lips were the perfect shade of red and always plump; begging to be kissed. Steve sat across from Bucky on the bed, analyzing those features. This was Bucky… He just had to keep reminding himself that underneath the brainwashing and the PTSD, this was Bucky…he just…wasn’t out of his shell yet. Maybe if Steve got him out…this would all be over. Maybe things could go back to the way things were.

Steve knew he was fooling himself. Things would never be the same. Every time he looked at Bucky’s flawless face, or down at those fingers…Steve would know. Steve would know that Bucky had ended Peggy Carter’s life. He couldn’t forgive that.

 

* * *

 

Bucky watched Steve carefully, nibbling his bottom lip absent-mindedly, waiting for Steve to say or do something. It had been hell to endure Steve’s silent treatment, because it wasn’t honestly a silent treatment, not truly. Steve just kept a wall there where there once had been a relationship. It had been so easy to slip into Steve’s life. It had been so easy to press kisses against Steve’s lips and explore what it felt like to be human. Bucky had no one to blame for this hardship but himself. He’d lost his mind. He’d given himself over to…emotions…now he understood with frightening clarity why HYDRA had programmed him the way he was. They were safeguarding him from this. They were trying to protect him from the pain that now weighed heavy in his heart, like a pound of rocks, scraping the bottom of it as it beat along its sad rhythm. They had only wanted him to be free of the guilt that sat in his stomach that weighed him down. His limbs were slow and he had to fight so hard to will himself to move. Pierce would be ashamed if he saw Bucky now. He’d call him weak…maybe even a failure. Bucky had never failed before; at least, that’s what he was programmed to believe. He wanted to make HYDRA proud. He needed it.

He needed it as much as he needed Steve. It terrified Bucky how desperate he was to have Steve see him as he had before. The way Steve looked at him now… It was like Bucky wasn’t a person to him anymore. Rumlow even looked at Bucky with gentler eyes. Bucky hated that. The one person in the entire world that had given Bucky everything, had asked him how he felt and what he wanted to eat and if he was feeling okay…that one person who had let him sleep in his bed at night and would caress his arm and kiss his lashes no longer even looked at him, but looked through him. Bucky bit his lip harder, dragging his teeth along the soft flesh, feeling his lip tug against his teeth. His breathing quickened as Steve continued to just…look at him.

“Steve…” Bucky croaked. “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

Steve looked taken aback. He jerked his head back lightly, as if the soft sound waves of Bucky’s voice was too much to endure. He settled back, pressing his lips together and just shook his head from side to side softly.

Bucky allowed a whine to escape his throat. He dropped to his knees, crawling over to Steve and wrapping his arms around one of Steve’s legs as he dropped his face against Steve’s knee. “What’re you gonna do with me?”

Steve inhaled deeply, in through the mouth and out the nose. Bucky closed his eyes. He’d fucked up. He’d completely and utterly failed this mission. The one person he was tasked to distrusted him more than anything. Tony would sooner put a bullet in the back of Bucky’s head than speak to him and the rest of the Avengers- Bucky was sure none of them would be in a ten foot radius of him. What was HYDRA thinking, putting Bucky into a mission like this after he’d messed up the original one?

“I dunno, Buck,” Steve finally said.

Relief washed over Bucky’s body, cascading down his neck, over his shoulders and down his back at the sound of Steve's voice. He shivered. He brushed his face against Steve’s knee. “What do you wanna do with me?”

Steve laughed. It was dark, empty and terrifying. Bucky looked up, seeing Steve biting down into his own lip, shaking his head, his eyes were dark and lidded. “You used to be this…person,” Steve said. “You were this person full of life and energy− and then the war took you. It changed you and I know it did. I watched it happen. You got anxious, desperate, clingy. But I didn’t mind.” Steve shrugged. “Why would I mind my boyfriend holding onto me a bit tighter at night? What on earth did I have to be upset about?”

Bucky sat back on his feet, his mouth ajar as he stared at Steve, trepidation coiling into Bucky’s eyes.

“So during the war I just thought, “Nah, Bucky’s fine! It’s just this place! He’ll be just dandy and back to normal after!” But…there was no after.” His voice dropped, getting quieter and deeper. “The war killed you. I watched you die and I couldn’t save you. Then I thought I died. I thought I woke up in a nightmare with all the sounds and alarms and…people around me. I thought you were still dead.”

Bucky ran his tongue against his two front teeth, sliding it back and forth from there to his molars and back again; listening to Steve’s every word.

“Then here you were.” Steve swallowed hard, nodding. “And I thought again…everything’s gonna be okay. But it’s not okay, Buck. It’s anything but okay. You’re not what I remember. I can’t decide if I love you out of obligation or if I love you because I love you…”

Bucky’s heart fluttered, before the words truly got to sink in. He cocked his head to the side, feeling cold hands cup his heart, holding it there, threatening to squeeze but never actually going through with it.

“So…I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you, Bucky. All I know is I can’t give you to the US government and I can’t let you go.”

Bucky looked away, closing his mouth to grind this teeth in thought. He saw the opening. He could ask… He could reach up and take his chances but he was…terrified. This man wasn’t as welcoming and warm as Steve Rogers had been once. This man was a frozen tundra of anger and bitterness. He wasn’t soft. He was brittle and Bucky wasn’t sure when he’d break. Bucky stood up, sitting on the chair again, nodding slowly. “Whatever you command, I’ll do it.”

“I don’t want you to listen to me because I give an order, Bucky!” Steve shouted back. “I just want my Bucky back!”

Bucky’s eyes fluttered in a display of shock, his mouth hanging open again. Steve seemed just as shocked by his outburst. He covered his mouth with his hand, his brow shooting up into his hairline. They sat there trading glances, allowing the silence to drain into their ears like it had never left in the first place.

“But you’re not him,” Steve finished, quieter now. He looked away; his Adam’s apple bobbing momentarily.

“I never was,” Bucky answered, truthfully. He’d never been James Barnes. But he wished to the moon and back that he’d been. He wished he’d known what it truly felt to love Steve Rogers. Bucky…loved him…or at least he thought he did. It was a desperate need and constant desire. Bucky spent most of the day thinking about Steve and when Steve was around he spent that time just thinking of other ways to think about Steve. Sure it was both for the benefit of HYDRA and Bucky…but couldn’t Bucky get some kind of gratification out of this? Couldn’t he find some peace in Steve Rogers? HYDRA wasn’t so cruel to believe that he wouldn’t fall for Rogers, right? They couldn’t assume that Bucky would just…go through this without ever evolving or changing. Steve…had changed Bucky. Bucky had wants, needs, aspirations suddenly and of course they all revolved around HYDRA and Steve but they were there! They were real.

Steve huffed out a humorless laugh. “No. You haven’t. My Bucky died.”

Bucky felt the cold hands finally squeeze, pressing into his heart, making him shift uncomfortably as he fought to relieve the pressure that built in his chest.

“My Peggy died… my Bucky died.”

Bucky felt the hands pull at his heart, ripping it from its strings, dragging it against his spine. Everything was crumbling. He’d failed. He failed HYDRA. He failed Steve. He’d just…that woman… the rage he’d felt when her name was brought up. The idea that Steve could love someone other than Bucky− it’d stirred something so primal and ancient in Bucky that he hadn’t known what was up or down. And the strange sense of familiarity. Bucky couldn't shake how familiar Peggy had been. It'd been like he'd known her...

“I don’t know what to do,” Bucky said. He wasn’t meant for this. He was designed to kill, to assassinate, to creep in and get out. He wasn’t designed for complicated social interactions. He wasn’t made to love someone.

Steve sighed again. “Neither do I.”

Bucky stood up, quickly and silently. He pressed one knee into the bed next to Steve, and then dropped the other on the other side of Steve’s thigh. He didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t understand his sudden desire to be so close; he just knew that he _needed_ it. He straddled Steve, slipping his hands into Steve’s short, blonde hair. He pressed his body close, feeling Steve’s chest rise and fall against his stomach. He kissed the top of Steve’s head, relaxing against Steve, allowing his knees to slide out a bit till the muscles protested from how close they were to doing the splits. He kissed Steve’s temple, the corner of his eyes, the tip of his cheekbone and down his jaw line before he repeated against the other side of Steve’s face.

“Bucky…” Steve whispered. He reached up under Bucky’s shirt, running his fingers against Bucky’s back, pulling at the skin as he grasped at Bucky’s hips, pulling him in closer.

“I’ll do whatever you want,” Bucky whispered, pressing a kiss to Steve’s nose. “Where ever you want.”

“You don’t even know what you’re doing,” Steve protested softly, but his hands were running over Bucky’s butt, cupping it tightly.

“Teach me then,” Bucky responded, rocking his hips. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he knew enough by now from being with Steve that this was what they were supposed to do. This is how he’d been with James Barnes. If Bucky had learned anything from sucking Steve’s cock, it was that it felt _good_ when it got touched, and Bucky wanted to know what that felt like.

Steve picked Bucky up, slamming him into the wall. The dresser shook, rocking back and forth on the hardwood as the two super soldiers clashed their lips against each other’s, roughly to the sounds of wet, sloppy sounds and clacking teeth. “This doesn’t change anything,” Steve said huskily as he came up for air. He brushed his lips over Bucky’s lightly, pulling a whine from Bucky’s throat.

“I know,” Bucky responded. He caught Steve’s bottom lip between his teeth and he tugged gently, relishing in the feral groan that Steve responded with. He wrapped his legs around Steve’s torso tightly, holding onto him as he curled his arms around his shoulders and laced his metal fingers into Steve’s hair, pulling roughly.

Steve hissed, nipping down Bucky’s throat, biting and tugging at the skin. It was feral and desperate, but it was everything that Bucky needed right now. He couldn’t be deprived of Steve. He’d go insane if Steve was taken from him. Steve was like the sun and there was a _god damned_ gravitational pull around him. It was no wonder HYDRA had failed against him each and every time. Steve was a celestial force that didn’t play by the rules of mortal men. “Steve!” Bucky cried out as he felt his skin break from where Steve had bit into his neck. He rolled his hips instinctively, as if trying to push Steve away, but his desire was anything but.

Steve’s tongue lapped at the lightly tarnished skin, sucking and slurping at the veins that rose to the top under the skin. His breath was hot against Bucky’s skin as he moved to the other side of Bucky’s neck, sucking and swirling his tongue around the skin, pulling deep bruises to the forefront.

Steve pulled them from the wall slamming Bucky down onto the bed as he went to pull his shirt off over his head. He tossed it to the side carelessly, climbing onto the bed and claiming the spot between Bucky’s legs, claiming Bucky’s lips as his. He pushed Bucky against the bed, pressing a firm hand into Bucky’s chest. He groaned, rocking his hips into Bucky.

Bucky gasped, feeling Steve’s hard cock through the fabric of their pants. Bucky’s limbs trembled as fear snaked into the bottom of his spine, slowly chilling his tailbone and coiling up into his neck. His cock throbbed desperately, trying to will the fear away but it was so apparent. Steve was an animal, lost to primal urges and Bucky couldn’t do anything against it. He didn’t want to, but the fear was there. He felt Steve’s fingers pull at his shirt, curling into the rim and ripping it open. Bucky yelped in surprise, but was met with an onslaught of desperate, wet kisses, pressing against his cheeks, his lips, the cleft of his chin.

Steve’s fingers ran down Bucky’s chest, digging his nails in just enough to raise red lines across the pale skin. “You’re gorgeous, baby,” Steve breathed against Bucky’s clavicle as he lapped at the dip of the bone. “I wanna devour you.”

Bucky bit his lip, giggling lightly. “Devour me,” he responded, rolling his hips to press his hard-on against Steve’s. “Do whatever you want with me, Steve.”

Steve smiled devilishly before pressing more wet kisses, leaving a trail of glistening saliva from one clavicle to the other. He nipped at the bone, pulling small yelps and gasps from Bucky as he left red bruises, claiming Bucky’s body as his. “I’m gonna teach you how to feel real good, Buck.”

Bucky nodded enthusiastically, breathing heavily as he fought the urge to pull Steve’s lips back to his. This felt right. This felt so right. Steve had cast aside Peggy, he’d cast aside his morality and his convictions. This was necessity to both of them and Bucky was so _damn_ glad he’d pushed his luck.

“Teach me, Steve, oh please, _please_ teach me,” Bucky whined, rocking his hips into Steve’s again, shivering as his cock pressed into Steve’s inner thigh. He gasped as the slight contact sent a _zing_ up his spine.

Steve laughed darkly, kissing down from Bucky’s collar bones to his nipples, flicking out his tongue to greet the pink flesh softly before sucking them into his mouth. He nibbled lightly, swirling his tongue to soothe the sting that began to build in Bucky’s chest from the sensation. Bucky’s fingers wrapped themselves in Steve’s hair, pulling and tugging as he rolled his body against Steve, trying desperately to keep that feeling in his cock. He loved it, he wanted it. Was this what it was like to be truly human? Was it possible to feel this good and then have it get better? Bucky yelped, bringing his mind to the forefront as Steve tugged at his other nipple, flicking it with his tongue before pulling it into a slurping kiss.

Steve licked down Bucky’s sternum, placing sloppily and wet kisses down the middle of Bucky’s stomach, swirling his tongue around the navel and flicking his tongue in before grazing his teeth over it. “S-Steve!” Bucky gasped, rolling his body against the sensation. “It’s…s’weird,” Bucky mumbled, pushing his head back and biting at his lower lip.

“You don’t like it, doll?”

Bucky shook his head, swallowing hard. “N-no, I like it. It’s just- different.”

Steve moved to place a quick, wet peck against Bucky’s swollen lips. He laughed, brushing his nose against Bucky’s. “You used to do it to me all the time.”

Bucky pushed at Steve’s shoulders, rolling his hips up into Steve. “Steve…please,” he suggest softly, looking down at his neglected lower half. He didn't want to think about James Barnes and all the things he got to share with Steve. 

Steve pulled Bucky in for a deep kiss, pressing his tongue into Bucky’s mouth. Bucky had become so used to this feeling that it was like second nature for his own tongue to slip against Steve’s greeting it flirtatiously, pulling back and pushing forward at the right time. His fingers roamed over Steve’s back, feeling each dip in the muscle or curve of his spine. Steve was flawless, sculpted perfection and Bucky didn’t understand why HYDRA wanted him dead more than alive.

Steve pulled back allowing Bucky’s legs to drop to either side of him as he licked at Bucky’s hips, tracing the protruding bone with the most feather light flicks of the tongue. The heat of Steve’s tongue cooled instantly as he’d pull away, driving Bucky mad with anticipation. He wanted to know what this felt like. He wanted to understand how he’d made Steve feel so good. “Steve!” he whined out loudly. “Please make me feel good, please I wanna feel good.”

Steve growled, but Bucky was sure it was supposed to be laughter. Strong fingers came to play at the button of Bucky’s black pants as Steve licked and sucked at Bucky’s Adonis line. “Imma make you feel good, doll. Don’t you worry.” The words tickled against Bucky’s skin as Steve yanked Bucky’s pants away from his thigh and over his knee. Bucky lifted his legs, allowing Steve to cast the pants aside, leaving them crumbled on the floor. “Christ, Bucky, you’re so perfect.” He pressed kisses against Bucky’s thighs, swirling his tongue around the skin as he did, leaving glistening, silver dots against Bucky’s skin.

Bucky moaned, arching his back as his dick throbbed harder. “Steve…please now. Please, I can’t take this.”

Steve licked at the side of his lips as he looked up from under a blanket of soft, charcoal eyelashes. “It’s all part of making you feel good. It’s better this way. Trust me okay?”

Bucky nodded, biting into his lip. “I trust you.”

Something faltered in Steve’s expression before he blinked it away. Bucky wasn’t sure if it was realization of what was happening or something else, but Bucky didn’t want to know. He just wanted this to keep going. He pressed his head back into the bed, whimpering as he felt his cock pang desperately, crying out to be touched. He curled his fingers into the bedding as Steve continued to lap against Bucky’s inner thigh, nibbling gently against the sensitive skin. Bucky gasped, rolling his hips into the air, wishing desperately that he knew what it felt like to have Steve’s mouth over his cock.

He sucked in his lips, whining desperately as Steve’s fingers caressed up and down his thighs. The pads of his fingers lightly brushed over Bucky’s sac, causing him to jerk away momentarily. “Don’t stop, please don’t stop!” Bucky cried out, seeing Steve pull back from his adverse reaction. “I didn’t expect it. Please don’t stop, Steve.”

Steve pulled Bucky’s legs over his shoulders, spreading him slightly as he nodded in response. He traced his nose up Bucky’s thigh, humming softly. Bucky pushed his head back into the bed, rocking his hips into the air as he fought the utter torture that his body was being put though. It was intoxicating and Bucky could feel his nerves fraying and splitting as his hardened cock sent desperate pulses through his body, begging desperately to be touched. “You ready, doll baby?” Steve asked, breathing against Bucky’s cock. His breath was hot and moist. It sent chills up into Bucky’s spine. Bucky rolled his head back, moaning.

“Yes, Steve, yes, _yes_ , m’ready,” he begged.

Steve lapped up from the base to the tip of Bucky’s cock, pulling a near shriek from Bucky. He instantly stopped, attempting to back away but Bucky’s legs held him there. “No don’t stop! I just didn’t expect … _that_.”

Steve paused, still eyeing Bucky warily. “If it gets too much, you tell me to stop, okay?”

Bucky nodded, licking at his dry lips. “I’ll tell you. I swear.”

Steve pressed a soft kiss against Bucky’s slit, giving his tongue a slow twirl around the tip, testing how Bucky would react. Bucky arched his back, moaning loudly. “Shhh,” Steve said against Bucky’s cock. “Can’t be too loud or they’ll hear you.” The words made Steve’s lips dance across Bucky’s cockhead in delicious ways, sending shivers down into Bucky’s toes.

“S-sorry,” Bucky whispered breathily.

Steve wrapped his lips around Bucky’s cock, pulling him into his mouth and swirling his wet tongue around the length, paying special attention to the corona, tickling its underside flirtatiously. Bucky hummed, rocking his hips gently, greeting Steve’s mouth excitedly. He’d never felt something so good. His nerves were singing, blasting him with so much pleasure he wasn’t sure if he was going to start crying from how good it felt or start laughing. He twirled his fingers absent-mindedly in Steve’s hair, moaning and mumbling each time Steve’s tongue traced up his length.

Steve enveloped Bucky’s cock, sucking hard, making wet _slurping_ sounds each time his lips broke from Bucky’s tip. He pressed his tongue against the slit, swirling around it slowly; tauntingly. “Mmm, St-eve, Steve please more, _please_ more,” Bucky begged. He arched his back, fighting the urge to squeeze Steve's head between his legs.

Steve obliged, taking Bucky into his mouth again and sucking hard, swirling his tongue around the erection. His fingers went to caress Bucky’s inner thigh, moving further back to the gentle curve of his butt. He squeezed Bucky’s ass, eliciting a pleasurable yelp from Bucky.

Bucky couldn’t decide if it was better with his eyes open or closed. The sensations that were pulsating through his body were near-insanity inducing, but watching Steve work his cock over was about as nearly insanity-inducing. Steve's lashes were dark against his cheeks as he bobbed softly. He'd occasionally look up and their eyes would meet and it was like Bucky's heart would stop. There was a glint there, a devilish, knowing glint in Steve's eyes. He knew what he was doing to Bucky and he enjoyed it. Bucky gasped, watching Steve's tongue lap at his tip. How was this possible to feel this good and not just explode from it?

Bucky wrapped his fingers so tightly into Steve’s short hair he wasn’t sure if he was hurting the blonde or not. He needed this. It felt so good, like that wall was being brought down, brick by brick as Steve bobbed up and down as he sucked at Bucky’s cock. Peggy Carter was a distant memory and all that remained was the pleasure and extreme happiness that Bucky felt. How had he gone though life so far without this feeling? “Mm, mm, mmm,” Bucky whined in the rhythm that Steve had set, bobbing up and down, slurping his tongue against the veins in Bucky’s cock.

He swirled his tongue once more time around before pulling up with a loud slurp. “I’m gunna put a finger in you, okay, Bucky?”

Bucky’s brow furrowed. He hadn’t done that to Steve! Was that normal? He guessed it was normal, since Steve seemed to think it was. Bucky paused for a second, looking at his reddened, swollen cock. It glistened with Steve’s saliva, sparkling against the light that shined into the room from the open blinds. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, nodding slowly.

Steve pressed a kiss to the tip of Bucky’s cock, pulling a soft gasp from Bucky. “I swear it’ll feel good.”

Bucky leaned back, running his tongue back and forth against his bottom lip, waiting for the sensation to come. He moaned loudly, his eyes rolling up as Steve wrapped his hot mouth around his cock again, pumping at a steady rate, sucking lightly and gently chewing at the tip, causing Bucky to lurch his hips forward. Steve pulled back expertly, careful not to cut his teeth into Bucky’s cock. “Careful, Bucky,” he whispered, kissing up Bucky’s cock. “Don’t wanna bite you.”

Bucky moaned loudly, forgetting about Steve’s warning from earlier. He brought his hands up to cover his mouth, smacking his face loudly as he did so. Steve laughed in response before pulling Bucky’s length into his mouth again, guiding it with his tongue as he used his other hand to wrap around Bucky’s thigh, and the other to finger at Bucky’s hole. He stopped for a second, spitting on his finger and coating it with the salvia. “We don’t have any lube, so this may hurt just a bit…but I swear it’s worth it.”

Bucky sucked in a deep breath, trying his best to relax. Bucky was used to pain. it was part of his programming. What he wasn’t used to was feeling so utterly exposed to someone else, at least like this, from what he could remember… He only knew what HYDRA programmed him to know. All the other details were lost to him.

Steve’s finger pressed into him. Bucky gasped, feeling his muscles flutter around the intrusion, unsure if to pull inward or push outward. Steve went back to sucking at Bucky’s cockhead, swirling his tongue around it before sucking him deep in, allowing Bucky’s cock to hit the back of his throat. “Ah! Steve, Oh God, oh God, Steve!”

Bucky gasped as he felt the finger push forward, swirling inside him and curling gently, caressing over the caverns of his muscles there. He pushed against it, shivering as waves of pleasure shot into his body, exploding at the tips of his extremities. “Steve…” he breathed out. “Feels good…”

Steve laughed around Bucky’s cock, pulling him deep into his mouth again. Bucky felt Steve’s gag reflexes close over him, tightening around him. He moaned out, desperate cries of _oh shit, oh shit, oh shit_. Steve pulled back, swirling his tongue and working his finger, pumping it back and forth, curling it gently each time he’d almost bring it out, stretching the hole ever so slightly. He dropped Bucky’s cock, allowing it to drop back against Bucky’s abdomen, dripping saliva against his lower abs. “I’m gonna insert another finger, k?”

Bucky only nodded this time. He felt Steve pull his fingers up, spitting onto them again as he rubbed them together. Bucky hissed as the digits entered him.

Steve pumped his fingers in and out, curling them and brushing them against the sides of Bucky’s muscles, twisting them in small gentle twirls. Bucky started to whine desperately, feeling pleasure tingle up his legs, into his cock and exploding up into his abdomen. He rolled his head, breathing heavily. “Steve…Steve I want more. Feels good.”

Steve grabbed Bucky’s dick, pumping it a few times before bringing it into his mouth again. He pumped his fingers to the rhythm he bobbed his head. “Ah, ah, Steve, Steve, yes, yes please, yes,” Bucky whined in rhythm to Steve. His throat was dry from how heavy he was panting but he didn’t care. It felt so good. It felt like a gentle fire, calm at first but growing and growing in his stomach till it was an inferno, spreading out from his cock to the tip of his nose, his fingers and his toes. His spine shivered constantly as Steve’s fingers curled inside him, twirling around and exploring parts of Bucky he didn’t know truly existed.

Bucky rocked against Steve’s fingers, moaning each time his fingers would plunge back into him. “Steve, Steve, Steve,” Bucky whispered each time, feeling tears prickle at the sides of his eyes. It felt so good, why was he crying? “More, please more.”

Steve listened, not stopping his gentle rhythm as he inserted another, dry, finger. Bucky gasped as his body struggled to accommodate, but the pain wasn’t anything overwhelming to him and the pleasure in his cock was enough to make him forget it before it truly had a chance to start. He swallowed hard, looking down at Steve, watching as his brow was furrowed and his mouth wide as he continued to take Bucky back, deep into his throat. His shoulders were lightly tinted pink from the friction between Bucky’s legs. He was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. Why hadn’t he done this before with Steve?

“Ah, ah, oh God, Steve, oh God, Steve, _Steve_ I don’t…” Bucky gasped, feeling his stomach heat up as his groin warmed and built into the most unique of sensations. It was like a cannon being fired, heavy at first before it exploded into a pulsating feeling of ecstasy and Bucky swore he saw colors that didn’t exist in the back of his head. His muscles tensed around Steve as he squeezed his legs around Steve’s head, curling his fingers into the bed sheets and shrieking out partly in terror of how overwhelming the sensation was and at how _fucking_ good it felt. Something hot spilled from his cock, but it wasn’t steady like piss. It pumped heavily at first, slowing its intensity as Steve continued to pull it down into him, swallowing. “Steve, Steve what’s…I don’t know,” he panted. The sensation around his cock became too much and he frantically pulled away, feeling his limbs shake as he curled into himself.

“Hey, hey it’s okay, Bucky” Steve cooed. “It was just an orgasm. It’s okay. It goes away.” Steve pressed a kiss into Bucky’s shoulder, massaging his fingers down Bucky’s shaking back. “It felt good, right?”

Bucky nodded breathlessly. “Y-yeah. I think so.”

Steve laughed, pulling Bucky onto his back again. “It’ll feel better if you let me keep going.”

Bucky panted, staring up at Steve. “What’s there left to do?”

Steve laughed. “Jesus, you really don’t know anything do you?”

Bucky felt ashamed. He knew what HYDRA had let him know. Anything else was beyond his need and he just trusted that HYDRA would do everything it could to succeed. Bucky was just a weapon. He wasn’t meant for missions like this. He wasn’t programmed to experience sensations like this.

Steve caressed his hands down Bucky’s chest, feeling the rise of his pectorals and the dip between of his sternum. “I need this, Buck,” he whispered. “I can’t do this anymore either.”

Bucky sat up, feeling his limbs tremble slightly. “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it.”

Steve’s face contorted for a moment, creasing his brow. He pushed his lips together, shaking his head. “No, Buck. I don’t want you to do something because you think you have to.”

Bucky grabbed Steve’s hand, tracing the light blue veins under the skin. “I want to.”

Steve licked at the corner of his mouth, staring directly into Bucky’s eyes. “You promise?”

Bucky nodded. “I want to know what comes next…after that.” He looked down, feeling bashful at putting words to the actions that they’d just done, but it was exciting and made his heart dance in his chest.

“After a blow job?” Steve kissed Bucky’s shoulder. “Usually that’s when you make love with someone.”

“How do you make love?” Bucky asked softly. He thought he was in love with Steve. Wasn’t the desire to be around someone constantly, love? Wasn’t wanting to see them smile and hear them talk, love? There was an action that was love? Bucky was overwhelmed. He knew nothing. He hated how he knew nothing. _‘You’re a weapon. Of course you don’t know how to do this.’_

Steve laughed, but the light that had been glistening in his eyes started to dim and he looked away, like he’d fallen into another world that Bucky just couldn’t reach. Bucky caressed his fingers against Steve’s face, pressing his thumbs against Steve’s cheekbones, feeling their defined sculpting. “Steve?”

“We can’t do this,” Steve said suddenly.

Bucky’s mouth dropped open. Any lingering sensation of euphoria or that delicious tingling in his stomach had been chilled cold by Steve’s abrupt behavior. “What? Why?”

“Because I don’t…” Steve’s eyes etched with pain. His voice was tight and he shut his mouth loudly, making a soft crunch when his teeth clashed into themselves. “I don’t…love you. This was a mistake.”

Bucky froze. His mouth hung open and the back of his throat dried as gusts of choked air were sucked in. He swallowed hard, feeling his tongue stick to the back of his mouth. “But I thought−”

“I said I didn’t know if I loved you out of obligation or not anymore,” Steve reminded. “You’re not the Bucky I fell in love with.”

“Then why did we…why did you?” Bucky couldn’t finish his sentences. He wasn’t made for this. He wasn’t made for the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. He wasn’t made to withstand the way his heart dug itself deep into the pits of his stomach. He was a weapon. Weapons didn’t break down when people cast them aside. They just waited patiently. Bucky wasn’t waiting patiently. He was frantic and raw.

“It was a mistake. You caught me off guard.”

Bucky pulled his limbs in, wrapping his arms round himself as he tucked his knees under his chin. “Do you hate me?”

Steve scrunched up his face. “No, Buck. I don’t hate you.”

“Then why are you pushing me away? I love you, Steve.” The words were so easy to say. Bucky wasn’t built for romance. He wasn’t designed for Steve Rogers, but he felt like in this moment, it was the only thing he’d ever been designed to touch, breathe, or think about. He pulled Steve’s face against his, pressing their foreheads against each other’s. “I love you.”

Steve pulled away, prying Bucky’s fingers gently from his face. “I know, Buck. You just− you killed her yesterday. Her body isn’t even cold and I’m…” He let the sentence trail off, letting it drift off into the abyss of other words left unsaid.

Bucky sighed heavily, feeling his heart shatter. He just wanted to go see Rumlow. He just wanted…something normal again. He missed the feeling of being complacent and completely numb. He missed never questioning HYDRA or battling with these conflicting feelings he had for Steve. If HYDRA ordered him to kill Steve now, he wasn’t even sure he’d do it. He wanted to be able to do it. He wanted to be able to press a cold, loaded gun into Steve’s mouth and pull the trigger. He wanted to. But the image haunted him and made his stomach churn. He hated the idea of losing Steve. “So we just pretend this never happened? That _we_ never happened?”

Steve huffed bitterly, but his face only spoke of resignation. “For now, I guess.”

“Why?” Bucky asked. He was shocked at how disconnected his voice sounded. It was terrifying, the kind of power Steve held over Bucky now. Steve had seen Bucky as a person. Steve had accepted Bucky as a person. To be recognized as a someone instead of a something- it had completely redefined Bucky; redefined the Asset. 

Steve inhaled deeply through the nose, taking time to breathe out and cultivate an answer. “Because I look at your hands and see her. I look at you and see a murderer. I don’t see Bucky Barnes. I see the Winter Soldier. And until I can get that image out of my head, I can’t…love you.”

Bucky felt the tears slip from his eyes. He nodded, accepting Steve’s reasoning. “So, your team hates me, the US government wants me dead and you…don’t even know what to think of me? I’m making such progress.”

He’d allowed himself to slip too far. He’d allowed himself to get too close and this was the payback. This was the bite. He had to recoil. He had to stop this. HYDRA was counting on him. Rumlow was counting on him. He’d allowed himself to tread a lethal line and now Bucky was falling, drowning under the pull of Steve’s beauty and unwavering moral compass. Bucky brushed away the tears. They were useless. Weapons didn’t cry. He sucked down a gulp of air and tried to push this away.

“You killed Agent Peggy Carter, one of the founders of S.H.I.E.L.D, one of my closest friends, and an inspiration to many. Not to mention an aunt to yet again, another of my friends. Every time I look at your hands I see what they did to her.”

Bucky pulled his hands back, tucking them in his lap, hiding both his nakedness and hands all in one as he crossed his legs.

“I guess we’re just gonna have to sit and stew on this for awhile, till the sting isn’t so fresh.”

Bucky opened his mouth to speak again when a knock came at the door. They both looked at the door. Bucky slipped off the bed, reaching for his cargo pants and slipped them on silently. Steve, still in his sweatpants, just sat there on the bed.

“Yeah?” he called.

“CIA’s here. It’s like Christmas morning for Stark and Banner,” Natasha said through the door. She opened it, peaking her head in, looking at Bucky, sitting shirtless on the chair and then back to Steve. Her brow barely furrowed, but it was enough for Bucky to see she was probably assuming the correct answer to this situation. “Thought you’d wanna see it.”

Bucky stood up, blinking in surprise as both Steve and Natasha flinched at his movements. “I just… I wanna see it too.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah. You deserve to.”

“Put shirts on,” Natasha said, looking to the torn fabric of Bucky’s previous shirt. “You really don’t want Stark knowing you’re still screwing him.”

“We’re not−” Steve protested, but she was already down the hall before he’d been able to say anything else. Steve went over to the dresser, tossing a white shirt at Bucky and grabbing a red one for himself. Steve left the room without so much as a “I’ll see you downstairs.”

Bucky swallowed hard, feeling the guilt bubble up in his stomach. He’d do anything for a memory wipe right now. He’d give anything for the comforts of HYDRA scientists and Rumlow. He went over to his bag from Rumlow, checking inside. He grabbed the gun, attaching the silencer. He was to destroy the Winter Soldier data. He sighed heavily. He was going to be surrounded by Avengers. With one gun and no backup, his odds were slim to none, and Steve… Steve was going to be there too.

He bit his lip, trying to figure out how to accomplish this. Every scenario ended with him being put down or him killing Steve. But he had to destroy the data. He was ordered to. He couldn’t keep failing HYDRA. What would Pierce think of him now?

He crept out of his room, listening to the murmurs downstairs. He slipped into Hawkeye’s room, looking at his arsenal of tranquilizers. These had been aimed at Bucky a few times, so Bucky was sure they could take Steve down. Bucky grabbed another bow and slung it around his shoulders. He grabbed the tranq arrows and put them into one of his deeper pockets at his thigh. He slipped back into Steve’s room, opening the window silently and climbing onto the roof. He’d have to do this quick. He’d need to make sure the first arrow hit Steve, but then that left Hawkeye and Black Widow…and both were formidable. Stark wasn’t a threat without his suit and Banner would be too slow to realize what was happening, though he’d need to be put down fast as well. _‘Fuck the fucking Avengers,’_ Bucky thought. He lingered on the roof, debating who’d go after Steve. He’d go Steve, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Banner and then the rest of them. He was damn sure Hill would have a gun, Sam too, but they didn’t scare Bucky as much.

He sighed heavily, dropping down in front of the shrubs and pulling back, shooting the bow effortlessly, hearing the shatter of the window as the dart went straight into Steve’s thigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had actually intended on Steve and Bucky to finally "get it on," but it didn't feel right with how sexually innocent Bucky is. I'm remedying this. Also, I'm pretty open to suggestions about anything for this story, so if you have an idea or anything, let me knowwww~
> 
> So that whole I need Stucky friends? Not kidding. Follow me on tumblr and I'll follow you back! Or just tell me your name in a comment! I need Stucky conversations! Need. 
> 
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!


	7. Seven Arrows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My exams are over!!! Huzzah!!!!!
> 
> I'll be switching back to my other story, We Should Just Kiss Like Real People Do (which is a Stucky fic + TJ Hammond (Played by Sebastian Stan on a show called Political Animals), so if you read that one, expect an update soon! :) So this one will be updated after that one gets an update or 2. 
> 
> I guess I don't need to keep warning you guys about how angsty this has gotten right? Well...here's a small warning anyway!
> 
> Also, this chapter is half edited, half not. If there are any typos, sorry! I'm usually pretty good about catching them as I write, but when I get into a groove I'll occasionally miss them.

Bucky waltzed into the living room where the HYDRA tech had been deposited. He looked at the sleeping bodies around him. It was unnerving how easy it was to take down the Avengers. Hill, Barton, Romanov, Rogers, Stark, Banner… Earth’s mightiest heroes− and they fell to swift arrows from a higher vantage point. From Bucky’s research, he’d learned much about the Avengers when he was googling Steve. They’d saved New York. They had become the poster men and women for the United States…the world, and here they were, asleep on the floor as Bucky stepped over Barton, careful not to accidently step atop him. Bucky had no ill-will toward any of them. He knew they were uncertain of him, possibly even hated him for what he’d done to Peggy Carter, but he held no hatred for them. They were simply just in the way. They were in HYDRA’s way. Bucky would do anything to further HYDRA’s cause, even if it meant using real arrows next time. _‘But what about Steve?’_

He walked over to one of the computers, focusing his mind on the mission and less on the blonde that was sleeping, sprawled out on the floor. Luckily the computer was already on thanks to Stark. Bucky gently moved Stark out of the way; carefully moving his slumped-over body against Hill’s so Bucky could slide into the chair. Metal and flesh hands worked quickly, bringing up the mainframe and locating the Asset Program, code name Winter Soldier. Bucky hovered over the folder. He wanted to click it. He wanted to open it and see who he’d been and what he was before HYDRA, but something cold ran up his spine and he whimpered at the thought. He had been nothing before HYDRA. He owed HYDRA everything. They’d given him true purpose, true identity. It didn’t matter who he’d been before HYDRA. HYDRA was everything now.

So he removed the data, watching as the files slowly ate away at themselves until there was nothing left but an empty folder. The Winter Soldier was no more. It was oddly freeing, knowing whatever Bucky was before HYDRA was gone. He had no reason to doubt HYDRA ever again. He had no temptation or desire to think back on days before he was saved by their cause. He was free from the shackles of self-doubt and wonder.

He stood up, pulling Stark back into the chair and setting him up, slumping him over the keyboard. Bucky pulled the tranq out of his shoulder. He went to each sleeping body, pulling the darts out. He paused above Steve, kneeling down and tracing Steve’s cheekbone with his flesh index finger. Steve was gorgeous. The way he’d moved his lips atop Bucky’s cock had been gorgeous. Bucky traced the man’s red lips lightly, staring with dull, removed eyes. Steve would never love this Bucky the way he’d loved the real one. He’d always see a murderer first, a criminal or a weak, misguided HYDRA agent. Steve would never accept Bucky. The only acceptance Bucky had was HYDRA. _‘So would I kill Steve?’_

Bucky stood up, fingering the tranq arrows in his hand as he looked about the room again. This had been his mission. This was furthering HYDRA. He’d succeeded. He needed to report back to Rumlow, or any of his new supervisors. He wasn’t sure who they were yet, but he’d know in due time…if necessary. Bucky understood the order of HYDRA. He was told the information he needed to get a mission done. He wasn’t bogged with frivolous information. It’s what made him so efficient. Steve was starting to bog him down, but it was a feeling that Bucky didn’t honestly mind. He enjoyed it. He relished in it. Steve’s attention, his touch, his voice…it was the most Bucky had ever gotten to experience with another human outside of killing them. Bucky would by lying if he said he enjoyed how HYDRA kept him, but he understood. Cryofreeze was necessary to preserve him and his skills. HYDRA needed him, so they took the utmost care in making sure Bucky wouldn’t age or die, but he’d been out for far too long now. Would HYDRA let him have somewhat of a life after this was all over? They couldn’t freeze him anymore. He’d age and die. How would they keep him now?

 Bucky walked to the stairs, ready to report back to HYDRA and set the stage. He had to make this betrayal against Steve believable.  

No, this wasn’t betrayal. Bucky was loyal to HYDRA. He’d done everything as requested. The betrayal was Bucky to HYDRA for admitting he loved Steve Rogers. For admitting that he couldn’t kill him.

He couldn’t. He loved him too much. But what if the order was given?

* * *

 

Bucky had roughly an hour or two before Steve would burn through the tranquilizer. Calmly, Bucky flipped open his phone, dialing the one number that was in the contacts. It rang a few times before someone finally answered, sounding gruff and in pain.

 _‘Hello?’_ Rumlow answered.

“I’ve removed the Winter Soldier data from the computers. Is there a team that can extract the tech?” Bucky asked smoothly, looking outside from the corner against the window. He watched a jogger run on by.

_‘I can have a group there in fifteen minutes.’_

“Hurry. I don’t know how long Rogers will be down. His metabolism is similar to mine.”

 _‘We’re aware. So the Asset program’s been removed. Entirely?’_ Rumlow’s voice was tight and uncertain.

“Entirely. I didn’t look at it.” Bucky knew what Rumlow was really after. Of course Rumlow would be curious if Bucky had looked. Logically, anyone who’d been dislocated from their true self would want to know who they’d been once. Bucky disagreed. This made everything simpler. He wasn’t who he was before and he never would be. Whoever that man was, he was dead, buried and gone. Bucky served a higher purpose now.

_‘Excellent! Good job! I’m being released from the hospital in a week. I’ll call you and we’ll rendezvous, okay?’_

Bucky couldn’t deny the flutter in his stomach at the appraisal from Rumlow. He allowed a small, hint of a smile to play at the smooth corners of his mouth. He was doing good. He was good for HYDRA. “Yessir,” Bucky responded, his voice lighter than it had been. The Avengers had been a distraction. Steve had been a distraction. It was easier when Bucky was dealing with HYDRA agents. He genuinely liked Rumlow. But he liked Steve too… He liked the distraction Steve provided. He liked the validation he felt when Steve looked at him…well…had looked at him. Bucky had set everything back when he slit Peggy’s throat.

There was a click, signaling that Rumlow hung up. Bucky looked at the phone momentarily, wondering if it was customary to just…end a conversation like that. It didn’t entirely seem right, but Rumlow had voiced approval and Bucky was happy, so it wasn’t like he’d done something wrong. It must be normal, besides, HYDRA agents had to get here quickly, otherwise Steve would be awake and that would complicate things.

Bucky sat on the bed, the pads of his fingers roaming the dips and ruffles of the bed’s sheets. He’d just been here; just an hour ago, engaged in some form of activity with Steve that had felt _so good_. Was it normal? Was this supposed to happen like this? Steve had mentioned love-making. Bucky thought love was all emotional. What else was there?

Bucky rolled from the bed, going over to his bag that he kept hidden in the closet. He pulled out the tablet, pushing the internet icon with his finger and typing in “love-making.”

Images of men, women, hearts, and stupid little cartoons came up. Bucky scrolled, reading the links. “ _17 Sex Positions Your Man Will Love,_ ” “ _Making Love vs Sex._ ” The list went on and on, but Bucky clicked the latter.

The article discussed sex, the act of penal penetration into the vagina (a body part Bucky was more than sure he didn’t have). It talked about the difference between “fucking” and “love-making.” Love-making was slow, sensual and patient where fucking was hot, dirty, frantic and desperate. Both were seen as completely okay and both were said to make couples happy and switching it up was fine. But Bucky didn’t have a vagina… So was he unable to make love to Steve?

He went back to Google once more, typing in male love-making. Articles popped up and a few images of men kissing men. Bucky smiled, relief flooding his features as he’d come to the conclusion what he felt for Steve was perfectly okay. But was HYDRA okay with it? He bit his lip, clicking one of the articles called, “ _GAYSIA, How To Make Love To A Man.”_ Bucky’s mouth dropped as the images were accompanied by text that explained how men showed their affections for other men. Anal penetration. Zones… ears, necks, toes, shoulders, don’t use baby oil or it’ll break condoms, stick to water based lubricants… the information went on and on, but it wasn’t overwhelming. It was relieving. Bucky could do this. He wanted to do this. He wanted to show Steve that he knew what he was doing. He’d just have to get Steve to…let him. He’d have to make Steve forget he killed Peggy Carter and just let go like he’d done that fateful hour ago.

A car door slammed. Bucky jumped, instantly exiting the page and shoving the tablet into the bag as if it had been a hot coal. He shoved the bag back into the dark corner of the closet and looked out the window. They were men all dressed in black. Bucky wasn’t sure if it was HYDRA or CIA. He went down the stairs. Immediately, one of the men said, “Hail HYDRA.” Bucky’s shoulders relaxed. It was casual, like he was simply saying hello to Bucky, but it was all the information Bucky needed.

He watched from the staircase as the men took the technology, piling it up into the back of a black van. None of them spoke to Bucky. Most of them seemed slightly unnerved by him, minus the one who’d spoke. They talked in hushed whispers, careful not to wake any of the Avengers. Their handling of Stark wasn’t so easy. They’d shoved him off the chair, watching as he stirred, but the drugs in his body were too heavy and he simply went back to sleep.

After everything was packed up, and the men were gone, Bucky hurried back upstairs. He sat on his chair, watching the door. He wondered how much time he had left before Steve woke up. Steve would be angry and confused. Bucky would have to figure out how to make himself look less conspicuous. He stood up, looking at his metal arm before punching himself several times and taking one of the empty tranqs and stabbing it into his arm before returning it to with the rest of the empty tranqs. He paused, realizing he had no proper way to dispose of them. He’d been an idiot for taking them out of the Avengers but…he’d found it sympathetic to remove them. He rolled his eyes at himself. HYDRA wouldn’t fall because of a stupid mistake like that. He shoved them into his bag in the closet. He would not be the reason HYDRA failed this mission all because he had sympathy…

He made his way back to the stairs where he slumped on the landing, one leg haphazardly sliding down and the other hooked into the white railing. He dropped his head back, closing his eyes, praying Steve would buy this staging.   

* * *

 

Steve stirred; his leg throbbed for a moment as he moved to get on his knees. He looked down, seeing a small hole in his sweatpants. He looked around the room, eyes going wide as saucers as he frantically checked the pulses and bodies of his companions. They were all breathing. They were all asleep. He groaned, feeling the murky haze on his brain slowly ebb away. He jumped, realizing the room that had been filled with HYDRA tech was now empty. “Oh shit!” he said aloud. He shook Stark, gingerly at first and then with more ferocity. “Stark! Stark!”

“Pepper,” Tony groaned. “Give me five more minutes. I’ll let you handcuff me to the bed tonight.”

Steve laughed, cocking a brow as he watched Tony fall back asleep. He’d be more worried if that response hadn’t been the one to come out. He rolled his eyes, moving over to Natasha. “Natasha! Natasha! Wake up.”

Her brow furrowed, green eyes blinking open. “W-what happened?” she asked groggily. “Jesus, my head.”

“Someone stole the tech,” Steve answered.

Natasha’s head snapped around, looking at every corner and wall of the room. “Where’s Bucky?”

Together, they both moved toward the parlor, Steve gasping when he saw Bucky, bleeding and passed out at the top of the stairs. “Bucky!” He ran up the stairs, pulling Bucky into his lap.

“Steve…” Natasha said hesitantly. “What if he had something to do with this?”

Steve whipped his head to face Natasha, lingering a few steps below him. “Then why’s he on the floor?”Truthfully, Steve wasn’t sure. Bucky could have everything to do with this, and he could have nothing to do with it at all. Steve didn’t know. Steve didn’t care. Bucky was bleeding and unresponsive to his gentle shakes of his shoulders and that terrified Steve to the core. If he’d failed Bucky again… If Bucky was going to slip from his fingers once more… Steve couldn’t live with himself.

“Hey,” Steve cooed, running his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “Hey Buck, wake up, wake up Bucky.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed. He opened his mouth, groaning as pain seemed to latch into his jaw. “The fuck?” he grumbled.

Natasha turned around, going back down to most likely wake up the others.

Bucky’s steel-blue eyes fluttered open, instantly locking with Steve’s. His eyes rounded and he grabbed at Steve’s white v-neck shirt, fisting into the fabric. “Steve! Steve I tried. I tried to stop it!”

“Shhh, shh, it’s okay,” Steve said, petting Bucky, holding him a bit closer. “You’re face is all cut up.”

Bucky gingerly pressed flesh fingers to his lip, wincing as the sting reverberated his lips. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I tried to stop it.”

“What happened?” Steve asked. This wasn’t a time to notice how desperate Bucky’s fingers clung to Steve’s shirt. This wasn’t a time to notice how beautiful and desperate those frantic eyes looked. This certainly wasn’t a time to wonder how badly it would hurt if Steve pressed his lips against Bucky’s cracked and bleeding ones… It wasn’t a good time for any of this, but Steve was letting the thoughts run through his head as if a dam had burst up there. He continued to intertwine his fingers in Bucky’s hair, massaging the scalp soothingly.

Bucky relaxed into Steve, his grip going slack around the stretched out fabric of Steve’s shirt. “I dunno. I was just…kind of preparing myself…to see the files. I just needed a second to let it all sink in. I was on my way down when I heard the window break. You went down and it was like a ghost was there. You all went down one by one. I…” His voice wavered. He took in a deep breath. “I froze up here. I don’t know why. I was just…scared. I thought they were gonna take me again.”

Steve winced. He swallowed hard, pulling Bucky closer to him so Bucky was cradled against his neck. He rocked the man back and forth gently. Of course Bucky had been scared. HYDRA was the reason Bucky was like this now… HYDRA was the reason Bucky killed Peggy. He was suffering, two minds trapped in one and it was all HYDRA’s damn fault. Steve felt his fingers shake as anger coursed into his veins, heating up his body. He hated them. He wanted them all dead; every last one of them. They all deserved to die for what they did to Bucky.

It amazed Steve how fast he could put Peggy down as an accident when he’d been there. He’d seen how calm Bucky was. He saw the disconnected look in Bucky’s eyes. Yet here he was, cursing HYDRA and making excuses for Bucky. He didn’t forgive Bucky. Bucky had, on his own volition, elected to end Peggy’s life. But he understood without HYDRA, Bucky would have never done such a thing. They all had a part to play, Steve included. They were all the reason Peggy Carter was dead.

“Steve?” Bucky asked, reaching up and cupping Steve’s face. “Are you angry with me?” Steve shivered at the vulnerability in Bucky’s voice. Those round, stormy-blue eyes were begging, pleading Steve to look back at him, to comfort him or tell him everything was going to be okay, and Steve… Steve was just sitting there, battling the demons and voices in his head as he tried to understand why Bucky had become this.

“I’m not angry with you, Bucky,” Steve said, pushing a kiss into Bucky’s palm. He felt his heart squeeze as Bucky’s face lit up with the tiniest of smiles. This Bucky was nothing like the old one. He was small (when actually he was much larger than Bucky had been in WWII), insecure and desperate. The old Bucky had been large, with a huge personality that commanded a room, sure of himself and sturdy. Steve had clutched to him every night, not the other way around. Bucky was clutching to Steve like Steve had clutched to Bucky all those years ago. He’d never be the old Bucky. Steve didn’t know if he loved this new Bucky, but he understood him. And that’s as far as he wanted to think about it. “How’d you get your face beat in?”

Bucky let out an airy laugh, wincing as his lip protested, the small healing wound breaking open again, glistening with a line of fresh blood. “I don’t think they thought I’d be here. They came in and I was gonna attack them, but one guy shot me in the arm with something.” He pointed to the small, circular wound in his forearm. “I didn’t go down instantly, so he ran up the stairs and punched me till I blacked out.”

Steve nodded, chewing the story and swallowing it down. Natasha doubted Bucky’s loyalty. They all doubted Bucky’s loyalty at this point. Bucky had no evidence to support the contrary and Steve understood that, but this… If this had been HYDRA, of course Bucky would have been frantic. Of course he’d have been afraid. It all made sense to Steve. Bucky didn’t do this. Bucky would never do such a thing. Bucky had more reasons to hate HYDRA over Steve. “Let’s go clean your face up, k?” Steve offered softly, scooting out from under Bucky and pulling him up with both hands. He wrapped an arm around Bucky, holding him steady with another hand against his abdomen.

Together, they went into the bathroom. Bucky leaned against the sink, watching Steve with a hazy gaze. It was heavy, like he was swimming in alcohol, but Steve was pretty sure Bucky couldn’t get drunk, just like Steve couldn’t get drunk. “You doin’ okay, pal?” Steve asked as he opened up a first aid kit.

Bucky nodded. “I’m okay.”

Steve moved to stand in front of Bucky, taking a washcloth and reaching around Bucky to quickly wet it before bringing it against Bucky’s face softly. Bucky winced a few times, but made no indication that he was truly in pain. Steve moved to pull away to get the Neosporin when he felt his sweatpants tug. Bucky had laced his fingers into the waist band without Steve even noticing. Steve smiled awkwardly, breathing out. “Bucky…”

Bucky’s hands instantly shot away. He looked away, his lashes downcast, hiding those stormy eyes. “M’sorry,” he mumbled.

Steve cleared his throat, taking a long inhale through his nose. He was going to say something. He was going to offer some kind of vague response but that all crumbled when Bucky’s voice penetrated into the silence, shattering it like a rubber mallet smashing against a glass window.

“Do you hate me, Steve?”

Steve sighed. They’d talked about this earlier. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since that question was asked and Bucky was bringing it up again, which only meant that Bucky didn’t trust Steve to be honest. Steve leaned back against the wall, dropping the wet cloth to the floor. He’d pick it up later.

“Do you think I hate you?” Steve asked, taking a different route than he had previously.

Bucky’s jaw twitched as he looked to be in thought. “I think you do.”

“Why?” Steve felt the lump in his throat. He wanted to wrap his arms around Bucky. He wanted to kiss the side of his face and tangle his fingers into the brown mop atop Buckys’ head. But Peggy… They hadn’t even laid her to rest and here Steve was talking to her killer. Making excuses for her killer and pretending something else was the cause when Steve knew better. Bucky killed Peggy. Bucky. There’d been no mission. There’d been no reason.

Bucky licked at his lip, his tongue played with the cut down the middle of his bottom lip. Steve sucked his lips in, trying his best to ignore the twitch of his dick as he watched Bucky’s pink, slick tongue play at the wound. “Cause I killed your girlfriend.”

“She wasn’t my girlfriend,” Steve interjected.

“Who was she?” Bucky asked softly, his voice raw. “She meant a lot to you. Don’t lie to me cause I can see it.”

Steve nodded, slowly accepting that this conversation had to happen. He didn’t want it, but Bucky did. Perhaps Bucky was remorseful. Perhaps he regretted his actions. “She was…we all had…” Steve fought for words but no entry into it seemed appropriate or entirely honest. “I loved her.”

Bucky winced, his brow twitching as pain washed over his face. He swallowed hard, pushing his lips together tightly. The act must have caused pain because his eyes started to water.

“But I loved you too,” Steve continued. “I loved both of you and you knew that.”

“You mean James Barnes knew that,” Bucky shot back.

“Bucky,” Steve said, flailing his arms in exasperation for a moment. “You _are_ James Barnes. You were with me back in the war. You met Peggy at a bar in England with me. We’d been together for years but it wasn’t accepted. We were roommates but we were lovers and then you were always pushing to make face and have us go out on dates with dames we didn’t give a shit about and then Peggy…”

“You gave a shit about her.” It wasn’t a question. It was a blank matter-of-fact statement. It was as blank as Bucky’s face and Steve was almost terrified of how recoiled Bucky had gone into his own head.

Steve winced. He didn’t want to give the answer, but he knew it would only make things worse if he danced around the question. “Yes. Very much so.”

“And Ja- I mean, did I know that?”

“You did,” Steve stated.

Bucky nodded− his face still blank. He wasn’t looking at Steve. He’d found a corner of the bathroom and he’d decided it to be the most interesting corner of them all. Steve didn’t mind. It almost made this easier. If Bucky looked at him, it would all come tumbling out and Bucky didn’t need that right now. Steve had to be the bigger person. He had to be the stronger one.

“So we were together, but you were…with her too?” Bucky asked.

“Not technically, Well…yeah. It was a complicated time…”

“Why?” Bucky asked meekly. “Cause of the war?”

“That. The times. Guys like us didn’t get to be together. If the army knew we were inverts they’d do a lot more than just kick us out.”

“Inverts? Gay?” Bucky asked, tilting his head to the side. He still didn’t look up at Steve.

“Yeah. Gay.” Steve leaned against the wall, pressing his hands over his butt so his palms balanced his weight as he bounced off the wall lightly, anxious for this conversation to find an end.

“So what was gonna happen to me? If you loved her and we weren’t allowed to be together…what was gonna happen to me?”

The question wasn’t unwarranted, but it still sliced through Steve like a rusted knife. It dug guilt deep into the shadows of his stomach, coiling around his spine and yanking. He cleared his throat, trying to remember the sensation was just all in his mind. “Bucky…”

“Please answer me, Steve. This’ll help decide a lot of things for me.”

Steve furrowed his brow. “Like what?”

Bucky finally looked up. The rims around his eyes were red and his steel-blues were glossy as tears threatened to fall. He looked paler, younger, but older all the same. He looked frighteningly like he did during the war, but there was a horror in those eyes, one that hadn’t been there before the train accident. Was that all it was now? Just an accident? Was Steve surmising Bucky’s entire post-war life to the unfortunate tragedy of a single accident? It was wrong. It didn’t sit right. Nothing about this sat right. “I love you,” Bucky said, interjecting into Steve’s thoughts. “But I’ll keep my distance from you. I owe Peggy that.”

Steve’s heart froze. He stilled, no longer bouncing himself softly off the wall. He stared, slack jaw and slightly horrified by the words that were coming from Bucky’s mouth. Peggy had been killed yesterday and Steve was already starting to find excuses to pull Bucky against him. He was already trying to find the words that said, “No, Bucky, stay with me forever…” Bucky didn’t owe Peggy anything and yet… it was the one, last thing Bucky had that he could sacrifice to show how sorry he was for killing Peggy. Bucky wasn’t a monster. He was confused, broken and mangled. Steve needed to be there for him. He had to do something. He had to bring Bucky back from this. It wasn’t his fault…

But Steve didn’t say anything. He stood there, his mouth still hanging open, watching Bucky’s face fill with more and more hurt till he was practically drowning. Steve could save him. All he had to do was say or do something. Steve could end this.

But he didn’t. He…couldn’t. Peggy was dead. Bucky was alive and Peggy was dead. So instead, he finally answered Bucky’s question, saying the words that he so desperately wished he wouldn’t say. “I was gonna break up with you and marry her.”

Bucky allowed thick tears to fall from his eyes. Two giant tearstains splayed against the cotton of his shirt. “Okay,” he said, his voice cracking. “Okay.”

“Bucky…” Steve said, reaching out, but Bucky swatted his hand away.

“It’s okay, Steve. Really. I killed your girlfriend. I get it. Why would you wanna be with someone like me when you could’a had someone like her?” Bucky slipped out of the bathroom. His feet were silent as a ghost. Steve had no idea where he’d gone.

Steve grabbed the sink, gasping and choking for air as the realization finally started to sink in. Bucky had left him… Bucky had−ended it with him. They were over. All that history, all that love… it was over. It was gone. Steve felt his stomach lurch and twist inside. He was going to be sick.

He dropped to the floor, resting on his knees as he kicked the bathroom door closed. He wretched into the toilet; tasting the acidic yogurt and bitter coffee from breakfast. He hadn’t eaten anything since. It was disgusting. He officially hated yogurt. He hated himself. He’d already hated himself. Everything that was happening was because of Steve and he couldn’t stop it from happening. It needed to happen. Bucky was his friend, he’d always be his friend, but that’s all they’d be now. Steve couldn’t reach out and touch him, he couldn’t kiss him, he couldn’t hold him… He’d just gotten Bucky back and now he’d lost him again. He wretched again, heaving into the toilet. His eyes burned with tears as his body convulsed under the strain. He coughed, spitting out the remnants of whatever bile was floating around in his stomach. He felt empty. He was empty. Bucky was everything and now Bucky was walking away because Bucky recognized that he’d done something wrong and this was the only way to atone for it, and Steve understood that. Steve understood and accepted that and now Steve was letting it happen when he could easily say something to the contrary but he was letting it happen because it needed to happen even if he didn’t want it to happen!

He sat back, one knee up so he could lazily balance his wrist over it as he slammed his head back against the wall. This was all his fault. He could do something. He could change this. He didn’t need to let Bucky go. He could get up, walk down the hall and find Bucky. He could kiss the brunette and hold him and say how sorry he was, but he just…sat there. He just sat there.

* * *

 

Bucky felt like his body was being poked by a million tiny pins and needles. He walked down the stairs, knowing exactly what he was about to get himself into. HYDRA had succeeded. They’d removed the tech, deleted the Winter Soldier files and now Bucky was going down to the Avengers, a group of people who couldn’t trust him. He’d left Steve in the bathroom, but he’d heard the sounds as Steve gagged and threw up. He wondered why Steve reacted so…animatedly. Steve didn’t love him right? Steve would have picked Peggy. Why was Steve reacting like this? Bucky was the one who should be over that toilet. He was the one who should be doubled over and allowing tears to fall, but he wasn’t. He was keeping everything inside. He had to give Steve up. He had to give Steve up for the sake of this mission or if the order was given to kill Steve, Bucky wouldn’t be able to do it. This was necessary. It had to be done.

He hated himself. He just wanted to go back into that bathroom and curl into Steve. He wanted to cry and say that it had all been a mistake and that he was sorry, so sorry, and all he wanted was Steve’s kiss and his gentle, soothing voice. But Bucky kept walking, crossing the foyer and looking into the parlor.

Bucky saw the Avengers, all huddled there. Natasha was on the couch, lounging with her legs propped up on Clint. Tony was standing, pacing throughout the room. Sam was sitting atop the coffee table. Bruce was in the armchair and Hill was sitting on the piano bench. They all looked over at Bucky. No one smiled. No one waved. They just stared at him.

“Heard you took a beating,” Tony said. “HYDRA?”

Bucky nodded. He stopped in the wide entryway, leaning his metal arm against the molding of the archway.

“Did you see any of their faces?” Tony asked, pausing his pacing.

“Yes,” Bucky answered.

“What’d they look like?” Natasha asked. She was twirling one of her red locks of hair around a finger.

Bucky sniffed, using the distraction of his running nose as a way to think up what to create here. He’d have to lie. He couldn’t give them the description of any real HYDRA agents. They’d find the person and kill them. The cab driver… “White, maybe Italian or Greek. Large beaked nose with thick, black eyebrows. Stood about six foot.”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed, but she said nothing.

“Well that narrows it down,” Bruce began. “DC is full of Italian and Greek descent. It’s DC. It’s full of everything.”

“But mostly shit,” Tony said, scratching at the back of his head. “Sorry, saw a joke, tried to run with it. It was bad wasn’t it?” He walked behind the piano, reaching over Hill and running his fingers down the keys. The noise bothered Bucky, but not as much as the numb feeling that was growing inside him. Steve was still upstairs. He wanted to see him. He wanted to take back everything he’d just said but he couldn’t. Steve clearly didn’t want Bucky anymore. Steve wanted Peggy and Bucky killed Peggy.

Steve would never be Bucky’s. He’d always be Peggy’s…always be James Barnes’. Theirs. Not his. No matter how much he wished Steve would be his, Bucky was just a HYDRA agent, charged with the task of spying on the Avengers, Steve included. He’d have to put Steve down one day… He’d have to face it. He couldn’t keep pretending it would never happen. He’d be faced with the ultimate choice… HYDRA or Steve.

“Okay, so here’s my thoughts,” Tony said as the keys to the piano rang softly from his molestation of them. “HYDRA clearly wanted their stuff. They got their stuff. What would be your next move if you just got your stuff back…”

“I’d…use my stuff,” Bruce replied as he cocked a brow.

Tony pointed at Bruce, wagging his finger enthusiastically. “That’s my man. Look at him. Isn’t he beautiful?”

Bruce rolled his eyes.

“So they’re gonna do what then?” Sam asked. “Make a new Asset?”

Tony shrugged. “Dunno. But they’re going to need to set up a new spot with all that tech, and that tech is going to need some serious energy use.”

“You’re going to monitor energy grids aren’t you?” Natasha asked.

Tony spun around, now waggling his finger at Natasha. “Bingo! She’s a beaut ain’t she?”

“Then we’re going to get it back?” another voice asked. Bucky spun around, looking at Steve. His face was pale and he looked like a guy suffering from pneumonia. Funny…Bucky had never seen anyone with pneumonia before. Why would he know what it would look like on Steve?

“Yep,” Tony said, popping the “p” syllable. “I don’t like it when people take my stuff that I’ve taken from them. It just keeps the circle going and I hate that. Plus, they hit me with a tranq dart. That shit’s low.”

Bucky silently huffed under his breath, sucking his lips in and trying to look like he wasn’t the reason there was a tiny hole in Stark’s shoulder. He looked over to Steve. What was he thinking right now? Was he just as lost and numb as Bucky? Was he upset? Sad? Did Bucky make him sad? Why did the idea of Steve being affected by Bucky give him so much…joy? Since Bucky could remember, he’d always been a follower. He’d always answered to someone else and allowed the shots to be called for him. He’d called this shot. He got to see its aftermath. It was upsetting and uncomfortable, but he was in control. He couldn’t describe the euphoric joy that gave him. He’d made a decision of his own. He hated it, but it was his and he’d made it. It was confusing, to be both happy and sad at the same time. Bucky wanted nothing more than to press his face into Steve’s shoulder and let the man wrap his arm around him, but he’d made this decision. If he was going to get back into Steve’s good graces, if he was to complete his mission for HYDRA, Steve needed to trust him. This was the only way Bucky saw it could work. He’d give Steve up for HYDRA…and for Steve himself.

“I’m going to set up shop upstairs. Banner?” Tony snapped his fingers a few times, swaying his hips. He looked oddly thrilled for a guy who was just slumped over on the floor due to a tranquilizer. “I could use some help.”

Bruce stood up, nodding and sighing heavily. “You’d be lost without me.”

“Damn right!” Tony proudly announced. The two went up the stairs.

Sam scoffed. “We should tell the CIA what happened. They may want you to get the tech back,” Sam said evenly, looking directly at Steve.

Steve nodded, his gaze firmly planted on anything that wasn’t Bucky. Bucky hated being so close and yet so far away. He could reach his arm out and touch Steve’s arm, but it was like Steve was in another dimension and Bucky was trapped in the illusion of immediate proximity. “I’ll give Sharon a call.” Steve pulled out his phone, walking into the foyer.

Bucky bit his lip, wincing as he opened the wound again. He’d have to remember it was there next time.

“Why’d they leave you?” Clint asked. Bucky was so taken aback by the question that he physically stepped back, hovering more in the foyer than the parlor. He could hear Steve whispering on the phone, but his focus was on Clint. The question was so simple, yet he had all eyes on him, watching for any moment of weakness or hint of a lie.

Bucky shrugged.

“HYDRA invested a lot of money and time into you,” Natasha said. “You’d think they’d want to protect their “asset.” The word was cold and bitter. Bucky wanted to roll his eyes, but he just met her gaze evenly, shrugging once more.

“Maybe I’m not needed anymore,” he replied.

Sam laughed. “Dude, no offense, but that’s scarier than you coming at me on the highway.”

“Do you think they’re going to start up another Asset, really?” Hill asked, looking to Natasha.

“Why would they create a new one when they have a perfectly good one already,” Natasha responded, never taking her eyes off Bucky.

Bucky furrowed his brow, clenching and relaxing his jaw. She was on to him. She was clearly, so evidently on to him. Sam seemed willing to accept Bucky because of his loyalty to Steve, but Natasha was smarter. Being a spy was her specialty. She knew all the tricks and Bucky didn’t know how to be better than that. So he tried his best to play dumb and pray it worked. He needed the protection of Steve if he was to shake Natasha off him. “I’ve been out of cyro too long. I’m useless to them.”

Clint laughed, dropping his head back to stare at the ceiling. “Weird reason to not utilize a perfectly good assassin.”

Bucky remained still. Natasha was planting the seed of doubt even into Clint. This was bad. He needed to do something. He had to shake this but he saw no way out. He was standing here; his biggest mistake was having stayed when HYDRA supposedly attacked them, but if he’d left, that would jeopardize the mission! He needed to figure something out.

“Sharon’s going to tell her supervisor. Said they’d be in touch. Said they probably do want us to infiltrate if we can,” Steve said, coming to Bucky’s rescue without even knowing it. Bucky’s shoulders relaxed. He watched as everyone’s focus turned to Steve. Good.

“How long will it take for Stark and Banner?” Sam asked.

Steve shrugged. “It depends on when HYDRA activates the tech.”

“Alright. Who wants pizza?” Sam asked, standing up. “I’m starving and sitting around worrying is only making it worse. I’m thinking nasty, greasy pizza with a lot of meat.”

“I’m in,” Clint said, picking Natasha’s legs up so he could stand and dropping them back down to the couch. “I’ll go order with you.”

Bucky shifted. He was turning to make his way upstairs when Natasha said, “Hey Bucky, could you ask Steve to draw the guy you saw? It may help us find the tech.”

Bucky’s shoulders tensed. He nodded slowly, looking up with tense eyes as he met Steve’s face. Steve’s eyes were dull, like something inside him had died and the rest of his body was just trying to catch up and move on with it.

“I’ll get a sketch pad,” Steve said softly, moving toward the stairs in record timing. Bucky looked back to Natasha, watching her cat-like eyes as she most likely came up with a thousand different scenarios to take Bucky down. She needed to die. She had to be eliminated. Bucky needed to end her before she ended him.

* * *

 

Midnight had rolled around faster than Bucky thought it would. He’d spent the rest of the night describing the taxi cab driver in the utmost detail, watching Steve sketch and telling him to erase or change things when it didn’t look right. Bucky was surprised at how accurate the drawing looked by the time they were finished. Neither of them had touched the pizza that Sam and Clint ordered, but Steve had gulped down at least fifteen bottles of water. Bucky was surprised he wasn’t b-lining for the bathroom every two seconds.

Nothing was going the way Bucky needed it to. He’d forced himself to put distance between himself and Steve so he could kill Steve in the event he needed to, or betray him and hand him over to the Asset program. That’s why they’d stolen the tech back right? Bucky wished he could call Rumlow and ask. It would be a relief to see Steve as an Asset. Maybe they’d even let Bucky be his handler. He’d know better than anyone else how to coach him through the memory wipes and the training. He could even train Steve. They couldn’t freeze Bucky, but he could give so much more to HYDRA yet.

Tony ran down the stairs, jumping the last few steps. He looked over Steve’s shoulder at the drawing as Steve was putting finishing touches on it with shading. “That our HYDRA guy?”

“Yeah,” Steve answered, not looking up from the drawing. “Bucky got a pretty good look at him before he passed out.”

Bucky’s heart squeezed. He hated how his body reacted when Steve said his name.

“Great. I’ll have Jarvis look through some databases and see if we can find him.”

“Is that possible?” Bucky asked. “It’s just a picture.”

Tony waved his hand dismissively. “Jarvis can do it. We’ll find this guy.”

Bucky had made another mistake. He should have made someone up. If Jarvis was able to find this guy, then Jarvis would find out he was a taxi driver. If he found out he was a taxi driver…they’d know Bucky had been lying and if they knew that… No. No this wasn’t happening. Bucky had to kill Tony. Bucky had to kill Natasha and Tony. It was the only way. He had to burry this.

“We’re going to turn in for the night,” Natasha said as she and Clint entered the room again. “Night all.”

Tony watched them leave, holding the drawing Steve had handed him. “They’re not dating are they?”

“Never asked,” Steve said bluntly. “It’s none of my business anyway.”

“Well,” Tony began, sitting down heavily next to Steve on the couch. Bucky watched as their shoulders bumped into each other’s before Tony scooted back, settling in. “We all know you two are dating…”

Steve let out a humorless laugh. “It’s none of your business though.”

Tony nodded, admitting defeat. “Alright, I see when I’m not wanted. I’m turning in. I’ll give this to Jarvis and see what we have in the morning.”

“Thanks, Stark,” Steve said, giving him an approving nod.

The room grew oddly cold at that moment, like Tony had been the only warmth and now it was gone, leaving Bucky to squirm as he sat on the floor, being forced to confront the man who he loved yet couldn’t be with. What did you even say after you ended a relationship with someone? Did you talk to them still? Were you allowed? Where was Bucky going to sleep tonight? He didn’t think it’d be possible to sleep in Steve’s room. He didn’t want to. He needed to get away from Steve. This was only killing him more than it was helping him. He’d so badly wanted to be intimate with Steve. He’d so badly wanted to make love with him. Bucky was compromised. He was going to fail HYDRA. He had to force himself to stop caring. He would kill for a memory wipe right now… If he wasn’t so wrapped up about Steve he could have made someone up instead of the taxi driver. He could have lied better and staged the scenes better. He could have done so much more efficiently, but his mind was constantly on Steve and his work was failing from it!

“I’m getting pretty tired too,” Steve said, shattering Bucky’s thoughts. “We’ll find that guy though. Don’t worry about it.” Steve’s brow was furrowed. He sported a look between confusion and pain. Bucky wasn’t sure which was more accurate.

“I know. I trust you,” Bucky responded. “Did you hear Natasha? From earlier?”

Steve sat back, running his hands over his tired face. “About what?”

“About why HYDRA would just leave me?”

Steve held Bucky’s gaze for a long moment. “I did.”

“Do you think they’re gonna leave me alone?”

Steve let out a long sigh, stretching his arms and shoulders. “Dunno, Buck.”

Bucky swallowed back the lump in his throat. He hated how distant Steve was. He hated the cold shoulder act. “Natasha doesn’t trust me.”

Steve laughed. It was hollow and sharp. “No shit. None of them do.”

Bucky nodded, accepting the bitter words. He stood from the floor, unsure of where he was trying to go. He couldn’t go upstairs. That was Steve’s room. “Are there any blankets down here?”

Steve stood up; his eyes had still lost their shine. His face was pale and the discolored bags under his eyes aged him a bit, but Bucky couldn’t deny how badly he wanted to wrap his arms around the other and just apologize. He needed to give this time. It was too soon to tell if this was helping or hurting the mission. He could always reevaluate later.

“Yeah. I’ll grab you some.”

Bucky felt his heart stumble as he swallowed hard. Steve also decided it was best if Bucky stayed down here. Steve wasn’t fighting this. They were officially no more. They were back to where Bucky started. He thought that if he truly embraced James Barnes that this would be easy. How wrong had he been? He’d jeopardized the mission, he’d waivered in his loyalty to HYDRA and he’d learned to fall in love. Everything went wrong the day he decided he was going to embrace the relationship Barnes and Rogers had. Everything was still going wrong.

Steve came back, plopping a pillow and a few blankets down for Bucky. “Do you need me to make you a bed?” he asked.

Bucky’s lips parted as his eyes rounded, exposing their vulnerability. Despite the storm inside Bucky, despite the anger and confusion, Steve was still offering his aid. He didn’t hate Bucky. He perhaps accepted their situation better than Bucky was.

Steve’s cheeks reddened as he cleared his throat, stepping back. “Or not. I was just asking…” His voice tapered off softly. “Night, Bucky.” He spun on his heel, crossing into the foyer to go up the stairs.

Bucky stood there, staring at the staircase. Everything would have been easier if Bucky just hadn’t decided to fall in love. Everything would have been so much easier if Bucky just didn’t care, like he used to. He missed Pierce. He missed Rumlow. He missed the simplicity of being handed missions and the cold of cryo. He missed the fluids being pumped into him and the nervous scientists. He missed HYDRA. He missed feeling like his heart was in one piece. He missed how his body felt before it was ravaged with guilt and desire.

He missed Steve.

* * *

 

Bucky woke to the sounds of someone brewing coffee in the kitchen. He stretched on the couch, feeling his toes dig into the plush arm of the sofa. He tossed the blanket off, sitting up and stretching out his back. Someone sneezed. It sounded female. He hadn’t been able to get to his phone last night. Natasha had of course made sure he kept busy and around everyone. She was good. She needed to die.

Bucky stood up, scratching at the back of his head as he walked into the kitchen, more out of curiosity than the need to be in there. It wasn’t as if anyone in this room was his friend anyway. He didn’t have friends. He had Steve…but even that was gone.

Natasha was pouring creamer into her cup of coffee. “Good morning, Bucky,” she stated. Bucky noticed how she didn’t look away from what she was doing. She was doing exactly what Bucky would do in her situation. She was pretending to not be alert, when in fact she was more alert than most were aware.

“Morning,” Bucky answered, going over to the mugs. Natasha slipped into the breakfast nook, looking at the morning paper.

“You and Steve have a fight?” she asked.

Bucky’s lips parted as he furrowed his brow. “What?”

“You’re on the couch. That means you two fought. Right?”

Bucky blinked a few times. How could she be so frank at a time like this when they both knew what the other was up to? “Yeah. We had a fight.” He decided to go along with it.

Natasha scrunched up her face, a look of sympathy, Bucky supposed. “I’m sorry. I hope it all works out.”

“Me too,” Bucky answered, honestly. He did hope it worked out. Whatever _it_ was.

“Do you?” she asked.

Finally, her fangs were barred. Bucky was spooning sugar into his coffee when the question was finally dropped. He allowed a small, half-smile to grace his lips as his back was toward Natasha. Patiently, he finished up his coffee, turning around and leaning on the counter. “Do I what?” he asked.

Natasha furrowed her brow. “I care a great deal about Steve,” she began. She was in a light pink robe, no makeup and her hair was still in curlers, but she looked quite menacing. Bucky gave her credit. It took a lot for him to be intimidated. HYDRA always made sure he was programmed to have no fear. “You’ve turned Steve’s world upside down. You’re everything to him. If you break his heart, I’ll break yours.”

Bucky’s brow shot up, a look of small astonishment playing at his face. He was slightly curious why she hadn’t mentioned the HYDRA incident the day prior. She knew he was involved, didn’t she? “We’re working through it,” he responded.

Natasha flipped the page of her newspaper, rattling it loudly. “I won’t watch you break him.”

“Can we stop this?” Bucky blurted. “Why don’t you drop your act now.”

“Excuse me?” Her brows rose further up her hairline and her mouth dropped slightly.

“I know you don’t trust me. I know you think I’m responsible for yesterday−”

“Are you?” she interrupted.

Bucky’s chest heaved as he fought the urge to scream at her. He set his coffee mug down, walking over to the breakfast nook and placing his fists against the table. “I love Steve. I fucking _really_ love him and I’m terrified of it. So all of you sitting there watching my every move only makes it harder to deal with. I don’t remember who I was. I don’t know who I am. All I know is I love Steve more than anything and I’ve got thousands of thoughts in my head that I’m not used to and I don’t know where to even begin so just…don’t push me.”

Natasha’s mouth was formed into the perfect “o,” as she leaned sideways, looking at the entry to the kitchen. “Morning, Steve,” she said.

Bucky closed his eyes, trying his hardest to not break down. She did this on purpose. She set this up. She pushed him because she knew he’d break and that _pissed_ Bucky off more than anything. She was dangerous. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out what she did or did not know and that made her even a bigger threat. She was planning the part of the concerned friend and she was playing it frighteningly too well for Bucky to handle. He turned around, seeing Steve’s round, hopeful eyes. Bucky could practically hear his own heart breaking as he saw the emotions that cascaded from Steve’s eyes, spreading like wildfire all over his body, brightening his skin and breathing life into his cheeks. Bucky hated himself. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t finish this mission. He loved Steve too much. He was going to betray HYDRA if this kept up. He didn’t have the strength to fight this.

He brushed by Steve, running for the door. He didn’t care if he was in sweats and a long-sleeved undershirt with his metal hand exposed. He didn’t care that he crossed the threshold with no shoes on. He needed to get away. He needed to put space between him and Steve. He needed Rumlow. He needed to see Rumlow. Rumlow would figure out what to do.

* * *

 

Bucky was asked several times which room he was supposed to be in before the hospital staff got it in their heads that he wasn’t a patient. One doctor asked he put scrub booties on his feet for health purposes. It was going fine till the doctor saw his metal hand. He asked if it was a prosthetic, Bucky made it make jerky, unrefined motions to show settle the doctor’s excitement. Killing a doctor for simply being passionate about science and medicine didn’t sit well with Bucky. He was surprised. Killing anyone to further a mission never used to bother him. The idea bothered him now.

After he finally managed to get away from the doctor, Bucky practically ran to Rumlow’s room. The man was sitting up in his bed. The scaring on his face and body was heavy. He barely looked like he did before, but Bucky knew those big, round brown eyes.

“The fuck you doing here?” Rumlow asked.

“Mission report,” Bucky responded. “I…I think I’ve failed.”

Rumlow growled, but he sat up straighter and nodded softly. “Wanna tell me why?”

Bucky closed the door to the room before coming to stand at the foot of the bed. He placed his fingers against the footrest. Rumlow’s gaze went to the fingers, before snapping back up to Bucky’s face.

“I staged yesterday to make it look as if I were a victim as well. The Black Widow is suspicious. I lied and said a man beat my face and she’d asked for his description. I gave her a taxi cab driver’s face.”

Rumlow cleared his throat. “So?”

“They know HYDRA took the tech. They think if they find this guy, they can get it back. Stark is also searching for energy usage around the city to find it.”

“So they’re gonna find a taxi cab driver. Let them,” Rumlow answered, shrugging.

“They barely trust me as it is because of Peggy.”

Rumlow laughed. “You’re a piece of work, Barnes.”

Bucky’s eyes rounded as his gaze snapped to Rumlow’s face. “Barnes?”

Rumlow seemed to falter for a moment. “Y-you’re portraying Barnes. Whaddya want me to call you? Asset? Winter Soldier?”

Bucky’s shoulders fell. “Bucky.”

Rumlow laughed again. It was deep and throaty. “They’ve got you under their spell, don’t they?” He cocked his head to the side. “You know your place, Asset. HYDRA is the only way the world will get the peace it deserves.”

Bucky swallowed hard. “I just want a name.”

“You don’t _get_ one!” Rumlow shouted. He instantly composed himself, raising his hands up in front of him. “Sorry, that was mean. I didn’t mean it.”

Bucky ground his teeth against each other, his brow furrowed as he allowed the anguish to fill his lungs, making him feel like he was full of lead. He didn’t deserve a name. He wasn’t a person. Being with Steve had upset everything. It had destroyed his view of himself. It destroyed his relationship with HYDRA. It made everything…more painful. He’d been content being a machine that operated for HYDRA and HYDRA alone, but now Bucky didn’t want to go back, not really. He thought this would fix everything, but it was only making him realize how much he wanted Steve in his life− forever.

“Look Bucky,” Rumlow sighed. “You’ve fucked up. It’s okay. This is your first espionage mission. Things happen. You find that taxi driver and you kill him. If Black Widow gets more suspicious, you take her out. Don’t make it look like an accident. Make sure no one sees you do it, or they have to die too. Simple right? Back to your roots!”

Bucky nodded, trying to calm down. “What about Steve?”

Rumlow scoffed. “What about him?”

“I think he’d be a good candidate for the Asset Program.”

Rumlow was silent for a minute, his eyes flicking from side to side as he scaled Bucky’s face. “You like him?”

Bucky couldn’t hide the shame he felt. He clutched his stomach, biting his lip and breaking the wound once more.

“Jesus, Bucky…” Rumlow exclaimed, slamming his head back against the pillow. “How close have you gotten?”

Bucky shrugged. “Stark said we were dating.”

Rumlow’s eyes rounded. “Rogers is gay?”

“It’s online,” Bucky stated. “I ran some searches on his relationship with Barnes. A lot of people speculated they were romantically involved.”

Rumlow nodded, seeming to take it all in. “Wait, you said “were dating?”

“I ended it with him. It was compromising the mission. I’ve been making mistakes.”

“Good to know you haven’t gone rogue,” Rumlow stated bitterly. “Okay, this could work to our advantage. You just gotta keep your head in the game. Can you do that, Bucky?”

Bucky ran his tongue along the inside of his lips, pushing against the skin to expand it. “I dunno,” he answered honestly. “I’ve got all these thoughts and…feeling I didn’t have and−”

“Bucky…” Rumlow cut in. “I’m not a damn therapist. You gotta block them out. You gotta use this to your advantage! You get Steve to trust you− you have free range of the Avengers. We just need a bit more time.”

Bucky’s eyes were downcast. This wasn’t what he was expecting. He felt foolish at this point, like a child being reprimanded. He’d sought Rumlow out for comfort and found none. Steve was the only thing that gave him any kind of comfort and it was ruining his mission. However, despite Rumlow’s harsh words, they were gentle. He wasn’t unkind. He was just…blunt.

“Then when you don’t need time? What then?” Bucky asked.

“Then you take them out. One by one. Just like I said before. Start with Natasha. Report back, and wait for further instruction on who to take out next.”

“And Steve?” Bucky asked. He felt the ice seep into his stomach. “He’ll make a great Asset. I swear.”

Rumlow inhaled a deep breath of air. “I’ve gotta ask the higher ups. I’ll put in the recommendation.”

“Piece’s mission was to find out if he was a good candidate or not,” Bucky countered. “I’m recommending him!”

“You’re trying to save him,” Rumlow answered gently. “Bucky…would he still care about you if he knew you were with HYDRA? You saw what he did to SHIELD and HYDRA. He fought you. He would have killed you.”

“He wouldn’t−”

“Yes, Bucky! He would!” Rumlow interjected, his voice rising. He wasn’t shouting, but he was firm. “If he didn’t think you were his dead lover, he’d have killed you in a second! You have to remember that they hate HYDRA. They want to see us fail! They’re afraid of what we can do.”

Bucky nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Steve only cares cause he thinks your Barnes. If he found out the truth, trust me, you’d be dead in a second.”

“You’re insinuating I wouldn’t kill him first,” Bucky stated, voice tight and cold. “Do you think I’d let him kill me?”

Rumlow laughed. “There’s my boy. You still got it. Report to me weekly about your status with Steve. I’ll put in the recommendation for the Program. You take out Romanov and wait for further instructions. Good?”

Bucky nodded, feeling a bit better. Rumlow was harsh and sharp around the edges, but he was honest. Bucky could trust that honesty better than he could trust Steve. Rumlow was right; if Steve knew the truth about Bucky he’d kill him. Bucky just needed someone else to say it so he could believe it.

* * *

 

Steve stood in the archway to the kitchen, still reeling from the words Bucky just spoke. He felt his heart slamming in his chest as it tried to lurch at Bucky, to be held in his hands and cared for. He saw Bucky’s eyes go frantic, like a cornered dog ready to bite. Natasha sat at the table, a small, proud smile on her face. She’d let Bucky into a trap! Steve would be pissed if he wasn’t so shocked at the words Bucky uttered. Bucky was scared. He didn’t know who he was and he had intense feelings for Steve and that was terrifying. Steve understood that. He respected it. Bucky was terrified and didn’t understand the world around him. Steve didn’t want to admit it, but everything was falling into place. He understood why Bucky had killed Peggy. He understood why Bucky was trying to push him away. He understood it all. Bucky wasn’t just scared of HYDRA, he was scared of himself, of Steve, of every person that walked by him. He was even afraid to look in a mirror.

Bucky ran past Steve, running toward the door. “Bucky!” Steve called out, turning and chasing after him.

“Steve, wait!” Natasha said, standing up from the breakfast nook. “Let him go!”

Steve rounded on her. “What?”

“He’ll come back,” she said. “He just needs time.”

“Why’d you do that, Nat?” Steve asked, watching through the parlor window as Bucky took off down the street; barefoot. “What the _fuck_ is your deal?” He charged back into the kitchen, his brow furrowed and teeth barred.

“Steve!”

“Oh what? I’m not allowed to get pissed off? I’m not allowed to say “fuck?” You just have to get involved with everything!”

“Would you let me explain?!”

“You don’t need to! I get it! You don’t trust him! You think he’s going to kill us in our sleep or something! But he hasn’t! Has he, Nat? Is anyone dead?”

“The tranqs that were used were Hawkeye’s,” Natasha stated, ignoring Steve’s outburst.

Steve faltered. “W-what?”

Natasha calmly put her coffee mug under the faucet, rinsing it out and then dumping Bucky’s wasted coffee. “Last night, Clint counted his arrows, he was missing 7 darts, Steve.”

“So? That doesn’t prove anything.”

“We were hit by a bow and arrow. We have bruising the size of a silver dollar. Even you do, right?”

Steve nodded slowly. He’d examined the bruise before he went to bed, out of sheer curiosity.

“Bucky doesn’t have any bruising, Steve,” Natasha said evenly. Her voice was gentle, like she was being cautious not to drop a bomb or wake a child. “Bucky didn’t get hit from the force of a bow. I think his was self-inflicted.”

“You don’t know that,” Steve defended. “Let me talk to him.” Steve was seeing red. How dare she accuse Bucky of this? Bucky would never stand by and allow HYDRA to succeed! He hated them more than anyone else! He had every right to hate them more after what they’d done to him!

“Cap,” Tony said from behind, slipping into the archway and into the kitchen. “She’s right.”

Steve’s ears were ringing and he wasn’t sure if he was going to pass out or vomit again.

“Jarvis found the identity of the supposed HYDRA agent. He’s a taxi cab driver. We can’t rule out that he’s _not_ HYDRA, but…taxi cab driver.”

“Why would Bucky lie?” Steve asked, pressing up against the archway. “He loves me, you know that!” he said, pointing at Natasha. “Why would he say that and…do this?” Steve hated this. He wouldn’t stand here and listen to his friends gang up on him about Bucky. He knew Bucky. He knew him better than they did. Bucky would never betray Steve.

_‘He isn’t your Bucky…’_

Steve closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose. “We’re not having this discussion anymore,” he stated.

Tony nodded, shrugging. “Fine by me. I’ll go with Barton to find the cab driver. We’re gonna have a little chat with him. Banner’s gonna stay and watch the energy grids.” He poured himself a cup of coffee, meandering over to the refrigerator and getting out some berries.

“I’m just saying be careful, Steve,” Natasha said. “He may love you, but he may be hiding something.”

“Stop. I said we were done,” Steve stated, putting up a hand to end this. He turned from the kitchen, moving past the dining room and back into the parlor.

He was halfway up the stairs when Sam was rounding the corner, waving. “Morning,” Sam sang out. “Going for a jog. Wanna join?”

“You’ve missed a lot,” Steve answered. “Can we talk?”

Sam’s face fell as he sported a more serious demeanor. “Sure thing.”

They walked into Sam’s room. Sam motioned for Steve to have a seat on the bed while he leaned against the wall.

“What do you think about Bucky?”

Sam’s brows shot up. “What?”

“Just tell me. How do you read him?”

Sam crossed his arms, resting one foot against the back of the door. “I think the dude’s got a lot of issues.” Steve huffed through his nose, his brow furrowing as he shook his head from side to side. “But…” Sam said softer. “I think he cares a lot about you. He’s just not in the best headspace.”

“That’s an understatement,” Steve joked, but neither of them laughed.

“What’s this about?” Sam asked.

“Nat’s accusing Bucky of setting us up yesterday. She also made him run out of the house after she pulled one of her mind-tricks on him.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open. “She did what?”

“Got him to say _very_ personal things and then he split,” Steve answered matter-of-fact. This was too much. Bucky said he loved Steve. He had no idea Steve had been standing behind him so it couldn’t have been a lie. All the things Bucky has said or done in the past since he’d come back, it wasn’t all a lie, was it? No… No it couldn’t be. Bucky was running from HYDRA. Bucky was in love with Steve. He hadn’t done this.

“So…” Sam drawled. “I think Bucky doesn’t know who he is. I think he needs you, more than he’s probably aware. I don’t forgive him for murdering a woman in cold blood, but I think she pulled a memory out of him and that’s how he responded to it. I think you just need to be careful with him. He’s…dangerous, but not intentionally.”

Steve smiled. Sam was an excellent judge of character and Steve considered him his best friend since Bucky… It was a relief to hear the words from Sam’s mouth. “What do you think I should do?”

“Watch him. Help him. If Nat’s right, you’ll find out eventually. He’ll either come clean or he’ll try to kill you. One or the other,” Sam laughed. They shared an uneasy smile and fell into comfortable silence.

Bucky needed Steve, but even more than that, Steve needed Bucky. He didn’t believe Natasha, he couldn’t believe it. Bucky was not in league with HYDRA. Not after all they’d done to him. Steve just needed to reach out to Bucky somehow. He needed to make him feel safe again. If Bucky wasn’t going to recover his memories, Steve needed to let Bucky make new ones. They needed out of this. Steve needed to get Bucky away from the other Avengers, away from HYDRA. They needed an escape.

“Wanna take that jog now?” Sam asked.

Steve laughed. “Sure.”

* * *

 

By the time Bucky came back, it was almost morning. The sun was threatening to peak over the D.C outline, but it wasn’t just there yet. The world was cast in deep, purple and blue hues as the morning dew dampened the grass. Bucky parkoured up side of the house, going into Steve’s window like he had several nights before. Steve was asleep in the bed, curled up and clutching a pillow.

Bucky stood there, watching Steve’s shoulders rise and fall as he breathed. Rumlow thought this was a good idea. Rumlow believed Bucky could do this. Bucky closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and silently moving to the door.

“Buck?” a sleepy voice called. Bucky froze, his metal hand barely centimeters from the doorknob. He dropped it, turning around to face Steve. The man’s face was red from being pushed up against the pillow and his hair was disheveled, but he was still beautiful.

“Go back to sleep,” Bucky stated softly. “It’s early.”

“Where’ve you been?” Steve asked, closing his eyes and opening them again as he fought off sleep.

Bucky offered the tiniest of smiles. “I needed to think.”

Steve sat up, rubbing at his face. “I love you, too.”

Bucky blinked a few times, unsure that he heard Steve correctly. His mouth parted as he fell into silence.

“If you want to keep your distance, that’s fine, I respect it, but…I love you too. You’re not the same as you were before, but you’re still you. I see it in the small things you do. I wanna help you, Buck. If you’ll let me.”

Bucky leaned against the door, gingerly biting at his lip. It was light enough so he didn’t crack open his wound. “What about Peggy?”

Steve winced. He rolled in his lips, nodding slowly. “I don’t…it’s hard to explain. Just know that I don’t hate you for it. I’m trying to tell you I love you, Bucky.” Steve laughed, his cheeks flushing with rosy reds.

“So we pretend this never happened?”

Steve shook his head. “No. It happened. And we’re going to go to her funeral procession in England. But we’re going to move on from it…together.”

Bucky looked up, a hopeful smile flirting with his full lips. He walked over to the bed, scooting onto it and pressing his face into the crook of Steve’s neck. He wrapped his legs around Steve, pulling him as close as he could. He hated himself for how much he loved Steve. He hated knowing that this was the worst idea possible for him. Rumlow may trust that he’d do the right thing in the end, but Bucky didn’t. He trusted himself to make the stupidest decisions and ruin everything because he loved this man. He loved him more than HYDRA, more than life, more than the rush he felt whenever Steve asked him what he was thinking or what he wanted to do. He felt tears wet his cheeks as he continued to squeeze Steve into the hug. He wasn’t sure if they were happy or sad tears.

Steve’s hands wrapped themselves into the locks of Bucky’s hair. Bucky could feel Steve’s pulse in his throat, it was fast and his breathing was quicker. Bucky pulled back, brushing his nose against Steve’s. “Jesus Christ, I love you, you stupid punk,” he said.

Steve pulled back, smiling a dopey smile as his eyes glossed over in a film of tears.

Bucky’s heart froze as his eyes widened in fear. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

Steve allowed a single tear to fall from his eye. “No Bucky. You just used to always say that...before.”

Bucky blinked, swallowing as he sat back, his legs still intertwined around Steve’s middle. He’d never said that before…because he wasn’t James “Bucky” Barnes. So how’d he know to say it now? Did HYDRA program him to be similar to the real Bucky from the start? Or was… No. He couldn’t be the real one. Pierce wouldn’t have lied to him like that. It would have made no sense. Why would he send Bucky out to pretend to be someone else if he was really that person to begin with? It didn’t make sense…did it?

“I don’t…remember…” Bucky said softly. “M’sorry.”

Steve caressed Bucky’s cheeks, running his thumbs over the cheekbones. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Bucky laughed, it was sardonic but soft. “I have a lot to apologize for.”

“We’ll get through this together,” Steve responded, still caressing Bucky’s face. The motion agitated the stubble on Bucky’s face, but he ignored it. It felt so good to have Steve touch him like this, for them to simply be sitting together without anyone looking or without the fear of not knowing how the other felt after everything that’s happened.

“What if I never get my memories back?” Bucky asked, curious to the outcome, considering he’d never get them back, as he wasn’t the real James Barnes, at least he didn’t believe he was anyway. He trusted that Pierce would have told him the truth.

“I don’t care if you get them back or not. We can make new ones. I just want you safe.”

“Am I not safe?”

Steve sported a crooked smile. “I don’t know. The rest of the Avengers aren’t entirely thrilled with you…and with HYDRA getting the tech back…” He left the sentence to hang in the air.

Bucky nodded, pressing his lips together in an anguished line. He hated lying to Steve. He hated hiding his mission even though Steve was his mission. They all were. Bucky had been on his way to kill Natasha before Steve had woken up. It had been foolish to come into Steve’s room, but Bucky knew better than to open Natasha and Clint’s window. “They didn’t take me. They could have, but they didn’t. Maybe they don’t need me anymore.”

Steve’s brow furrowed, and there was a flash of knowing in those blue orbs that Bucky didn’t like seeing. He tensed momentarily, before settling back into Steve’s lap. “I think we can’t take any chances.”

Bucky’s face fell. He couldn’t shake the idea that Steve was lying to him as much as he was lying to Steve. He leaned in, brushing his nose against Steve’s again and then kissed the man’s cheek softly, careful not to split his lip back open. He kissed the corners of Steve’s eyes and between his brow, and lastly the tip of his nose. “Do you trust me, Steve?”

Steve laughed softly. “I trust that you love me.”

Bucky was smarter than that. He’d been evasive. Steve didn’t trust him. Bucky allowed a smile to play at his lips that didn’t reach his eyes. He scooted off Steve, dropping his legs off the bed.

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked.

Bucky closed his eyes, feeling the stirring in his stomach that he loved so much when Steve paid attention to him. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Have you slept yet? Are you hungry?”

Bucky felt his stomach warming at the questions. This was why he fell in love in the first place. He’d been treated like a human… Was this really all it took for him to fall in love with someone? A pretty face and kindness? “I’ve not slept yet and I’m not hungry.”

“You should at least drink some water,” Steve said, standing up and walking to the door. “I’ll go get you a glass.”

Bucky scooted up the bed, resting back on the headboard. He was running out of time. He couldn’t kill Natasha now because Steve was up and wandering around. There was no way Steve was going to let him out of his sight any time soon either, not that Bucky really minded. He looked forward to being with Steve again. His window was getting smaller and smaller. Natasha was the imminent threat, but then again, so was Clint and Tony… Perhaps even Banner if he was listening to any of what Natasha or Tony had to say. They were all threats, except Steve. Steve was the only one Bucky could get on his side, but even then, he didn’t trust Bucky. Bucky didn’t earn that right yet. He’d shattered their trust the day he took his knife against Peggy’s throat.

Steve came back in, handing a glass of water to Bucky. He gulped it down, feeling some of it dribble down the side of his chin. He emptied the glass, realizing how much he needed that and wiped his mouth. “Thanks,” he said.

Steve nodded, hopping onto the bed and pulling the covers over him. “You should get some sleep,” he offered.

Bucky’s lips contorted into a soft, crooked smile. “My mind’s too awake.”

Steve propped his head up in his hand. “What’re you thinking about?”

Bucky now sported a full smile. He dipped his head, loving how his heart fluttered, yet hating it all the same. This was bad. This was so bad for his mission. He loved this man too much. It was too dangerous. Rumlow had misplaced his trust. If they didn’t use Steve for the Asset Program− Bucky didn’t know if he’d go rogue protecting him or not… “I’m thinking about me and you.”

Steve scooted closer, pressing a kiss into Bucky’s metal arm. Bucky shivered. He couldn’t feel it, but it was the sentiment. “Anything specific?” he pried.

Bucky leaned his head back, looking up at the ceiling fan. “Just how we got here. How I almost…” He let the sentence break off as he shrugged. “How I almost lost you.”

“You weren’t gonna lose me,” Steve said.

Bucky allowed a dark laugh to escape his lips. “No, I’m pretty sure there was a moment where you contemplated my future with you. The night I came back in the window…”

“I was upset, I still…look Buck,” Steve sat up, supporting his weight with his arm. “Can we just not talk about Peggy anymore?”

Bucky’s face twitched in resigned compliance. “M’sorry.”

Steve pressed a kiss into the hollow of Bucky’s cheek. “Don’t be,” he whispered. He pressed another kiss against Bucky’s temple and another at the corner of his eye.

Bucky looked out the window as the morning sun started to trickle into the room. He pursed his lips. “Do you care if I close the blinds?”

Steve shook his head.

Bucky stood up, closing the blinds to provide some darkness into the room. He removed his shirt, dropping it to the floor and crawled back into bed. He wrapped his arms around Steve’s middle, humming as he felt Steve’s fingers run through his hair. “I love you,” he whispered.

Steve chuckled. “I love you, too.”

Bucky sighed, half in content and half in misery. This was only going to get worse. Natasha was an immediate threat. Stark and Barton were fast becoming immediate threats. Bucky needed to get rid of Natasha, and fast.

Bucky clutched Steve tighter, nestling his head into Steve’s tummy, listening to his stomach make little gurgling sounds. He smiled into Steve’s abs, pressing a kiss against them before resting his head into them again. He desperately tried to fight off sleep as his body calmed under Steve’s hand as he continued to run his fingers lazily through Bucky’s hair. If he could ward off sleep, he could perhaps sneak into Natasha’s room and kill her, but Bucky’s eyelids were becoming so heavy and Steve’s fingers felt so good running through his hair. His body practically started to vibrate as it relaxed into Steve’s body, like putty.

He’d fallen asleep before he even realized he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the angst kind of let up at the end right? Right? 0.0
> 
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!
> 
> Please leave a comment if you'd like, I'd love to talk to you <3 (Cause I need ALL the Stucky friends. All of them.)


	8. Trip Wire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh! Only 2 chapters are left of this bad boy! Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading along this. I really, really appreciate it! Please let me know what you think <3 
> 
> So...I have no idea if this chapter is edited. Why? I kept nodding off while editing and I accidentally switched documents and did stupid stuff and I've no idea. I don't even know if I entirely like this chapter. Soooo we'll see how it goes? X'D

Steve stared at himself in the mirror. His skin was lightly pink from the heat of the shower and his hair was wet and flat against his head. He scrubbed at his hair, shooting droplets of water around the bathroom. Everything was complicated right now. Natasha didn’t trust Bucky. Tony didn’t trust Bucky. Hawkeye was convinced Bucky had used his arrows. HYDRA was operational and very organized. Someone had managed to incapacitate all the Avengers without them even realizing and…

_‘Why didn’t they just kill us?’_

Steve’s face hardened as he continued to stare at the mirror. Bucky… Bucky had been acting strange from day one but Steve understood why. Bucky had been brainwashed, beaten into submission and a captive for decades. It was expected that he wouldn’t be completely right as rain. He had no memories of his life with Steve; that was excusable. Bucky was more frantic than Steve had ever seen him, even more frantic than when they were at Stark’s tower.

Days had passed since the day Natasha and Bucky had that altercation in the kitchen. Days had passed and there was no sign of HYDRA activity which could mean two things, either they weren’t using the tech or they’d gone out of state. Either way, Steve was on edge about their plans. Days had passed since he and Bucky really talked. They shared a room. They slept in the same bed, but that was it. All their conversations were limited to HYDRA, weather, if Bucky was hungry or how he was feeling. He didn’t come out of the bedroom much unless it was to shower or eat. He avoided the rest of the Avengers like the plague. Steve didn’t fault him for it; he just hated how _they_ weren’t communicating.

It wasn’t for lack of trying. Neither just seemed to know what to say. Steve knew Bucky was trying to keep his distance. As much as Steve hated the idea of Bucky withholding himself from Steve; Steve understood. Bucky had a lot to think about… Peggy, HYDRA; his past life that he had no idea he experienced. Steve was willing to talk about most of this, minus Peggy, but Bucky continued to shut him down and said it was something he had to work out on his own.

It didn’t help that nothing seemed like it was going the way the Avengers wanted it to. Tony had tracked down the taxi cab driver and found out he’d been killed a few nights ago. Natasha brought up that it was the same day Bucky had run away till the early hours of the following morning. Bucky had no alibi. Steve hated even considering the thought.

He sighed heavily; watching his broad shoulders rise and fall. Sam had said that Steve would find out eventually. Bucky would either try to kill Steve or he wouldn’t. Steve didn’t need to pry. He didn’t want to know the answer, truthfully.

Walking out of the bathroom briskly, Steve accidently body checked someone. He looked up, seeing Bucky’s shock-filled eyes staring at him as if he was the monster that lurked under the bed. Steve couldn’t deny the sharp pain that shot through his heart. _‘Bucky needs his space…just let him work it out…’_

Bucky offered a soft, wounded smile of an apology before scooting past Steve and closing the bathroom door. Steve stood there, listening to the shower being turned on. Steve knew how Bucky felt. Bucky knew how Steve felt. Something was going through Bucky’s mind though; something that he didn’t feel comfortable even telling Steve and Steve couldn’t _stand_ it. He accepted it. He just hated it.

It was like a complicated dance between the two of them. Steve would get to hold Bucky at night. He’d get to run his fingers through Bucky’s short brown hair and caress his fingers up and down Bucky’s shoulders but by daylight, Bucky was recoiled and stiff once more.

“You got a minute?” Tony asked as he leaned out of his bedroom doorway.

Steve nodded.

“So I’ve been running some background checks on that taxi driver,” Tony began, leading Steve into the dark bedroom. Tony had the blinds pulled shut. The only lights in the room were from the soft glow of the computer screens Tony and Banner had set up. “Guy couldn’t have been HYDRA. He lead a very, _very_ mundane life.”

“HYDRA’s good at hiding. That could be why he was selected,” Steve defended. He refused to believe that Bucky had lied. What reason would Bucky have to lie about HDYRA?

“Natasha left early this morning to interview his family. He’s got kids and a wife. The guy’s not HYDRA. There’s nothing suspicious about him and he’s not present in any of the leaks that Natasha dumped.” Tony’s face was tight. Steve could read the anxious undertones that Tony radiated. Tony was waiting for Steve to blow up. He was waiting for Steve to fight back and snarl and counter everything for the sake of Bucky.

Steve didn’t.

“Fine. But he’s dead now. Isn’t that suspicious?”

Tony nodded; his lips twitching. “Yeah. I’d have to say that ranks high up in suspicious, but again…Bucky went out that day.”

Steve rolled in his lips. He walked over to Tony’s bed, sitting down heavily and roughly running his hands over his face. “None of you will let up on him, will you?”

Tony closed the bedroom door as he leaned against it. “Steve… I know you love him, but there’s too much evidence here.” Tony’s voice was soft and filled with so much gentle compassion that Steve was almost terrified. Tony didn’t get serious unless he _really_ needed to be serious.

“What motive would Bucky have? He hates HYDRA.”

Tony’s brows twitched in acceptance of the statement. “Sure. Or maybe he doesn’t. Have you ever really asked?”

Steve’s face strained in agony. “I…I never want to bring it up.”

“So technically, you don’t really know?” Tony lead. He leaned his head to the side innocently.

Steve shrugged. “I assume. He’s said things about HYDRA that a person following them wouldn’t. He was scared of them when they attacked us. He’d froze.”

Tony nodded. “Alright. Well… it’s a thought. We’ll keep investigating. CIA give you any orders yet?”

Steve sat up, taking a deep breath before speaking. “Uh, no. Not really. They’re more concerned about HYDRA and the tech. Still want us to get it back. Then I go to my lovely desk job.”

“You sound so thrilled,” Tony teased.

Steve let out a wry laugh. “Yeah. Absolutely thrilled.”

“Steve,” Tony said, all seriousness building back in his eyes. “Keep an eye on Bucky. Don’t let him leave. I know you trust him. But…this is bigger than just how you two feel about each other.”

Steve was surprised by the lack of reaction his body offered. His heart squeezed, but that was about it. There was no blind rage or red vision. There were no shaking fingers or snarling teeth. He understood. He didn’t believe them. But he understood.

When Steve walked back into his bedroom, Bucky was by the window, shirtless, standing in black sweatpants and barefoot. Steve wanted nothing more than to go up behind that man and kiss his earlobe. Instead, he shut the door and leaned on it; crossing his arms. “Hey,” he said stiffly.

Bucky turned, swallowing lightly. “Hey.”

“Good shower?”

Bucky nodded.

Steve slid one foot up the door, tapping it with his heel as he continued to lean back against it. “I just want you to know…whatever you’re feeling. When you’re ready− I’m here for you.”

Bucky nodded again, offering a dour smile. “I know.”

“I love you,” Steve continued. He felt the anxious pulsation of desperation as it thrummed within his body. He needed reaffirmation of where he stood again with Bucky. No one trusted Bucky and yet Steve was desperately grasping at straws to try to mend a relationship that was shattered so many years ago, despite the evidence and suspicion. He didn’t’ know if he was crazy or stupid.

“I love you too,” Bucky responded. His gaze turned back to the window. Steve watched as Bucky’s eyes glazed over in thought. He watched those defined back muscles twitch and dip as his shoulders went rigid. If Steve had the ability to split open that skull and explore all the thoughts inside without causing real harm, he’d do it in a second.

Swallowing, Steve turned to open the door. Bucky wasn’t ready to talk yet. Fine. Steve accepted it. He didn’t like it, but he accepted it. He just had to keep telling himself over and over that he accepted it. Maybe he’d convince himself it was actually true.

“Steve?” Bucky called hoarsely.

Steve froze in the doorway, turning to flash a gentle smile over his shoulder. “Yeah, Buck?”

“Please don’t leave.”

Steve nodded as he attempted to ignore the glee that sparkled inside. He closed the door, walking to sit on the bed.

Bucky looked back out the window again. “They think I killed the taxi guy?”

It wasn’t the subject Steve wanted to speak out, but he’d take anything Bucky had to offer right now. “Not all of them. Sam believes you.”

Bucky snorted. “He’s a great friend.”

“Yeah,” Steve began, scooting back on the bed to rest his head against the pillows. “When I first met him, he reminded me of you. Think that’s why we clicked.”

Bucky nodded. “Do you think I killed the guy?”

Steve felt his toes run cold. He didn’t believe Bucky killed the taxi driver but he also didn’t have a burning, dedicated conviction to the statement. He was unsure, even if he didn’t want to be. He wanted to be adamant about Bucky being innocent; but he wasn’t. “I don’t think so.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been…distant…lately.” The way Bucky spoke was like he was attempting to hold back bile. “I don’t mean to be.”

“Then why do you?” Steve asked, digging the question in. He didn’t want to skirt around the issue. Bucky was attempting to open up and Steve was going to pry that armor off with his bare hands if he had to.

Bucky finally turned from the window. His eyes were red like he’d been crying. “I don’t…remember what it felt like to be in love. So it’s new to me. It’s terrifying and overwhelming and addictive and…” He cut himself off; taking a shaky breath. “I want nothing more than to be surrounded by you and you alone.”

“Closing yourself off isn’t going to make that happen, Buck,” Steve reasoned gently. He sat up on the bed, crossing his legs under him.

“No,” Bucky agreed matter-of-factly. “But when the man you love’s friends think you’re a HYDRA agent? It’s kind of tough to think of anything but that.”

The opening was there. Steve wanted to ask. He wanted to ask _so badly_ about Bucky’s real thoughts on HYDRA. He wanted to peak into the history Bucky had with them even if it would hurt both of them. It would reaffirm Steve’s uncertain convictions about Bucky’s innocence. Perhaps he could even use it to inform the others. The opening was there…

“H-how do you feel about HYDRA?” Steve asked meekly. He was running with it.

Bucky blinked, clearly taken aback. “What?”

Steve bit his lip nervously. “I know they…they kidnapped you but…we’ve never talked about it. Not really.”

“And you think now’s a time to talk about it?” Bucky defended. His brow creased as his eyes drained of the innocence he’d sported moments before. His eyes went cold as ice. Steve gasped as he stared into the eyes of the Winter Soldier.

“I just…it could help,” Steve fumbled.

Bucky was silent for a long time, staring angrily at Steve before his face fell into misery. “HYDRA took everything from me. Who I was, my personality, my friends, family, life...” He paused for a moment, staring at his toes. “The worst part about all of that is how much I don’t care.”

Steve’s body shivered as a cool, numbing sensation washed down from his shoulders and into his toes.

“They gave me a purpose and I accepted everything as absolute truth. So yeah, knowing who I was before them…it stings. It stings because I was content to follow HYDRA till you came into my life. Everything’s changed now.”

Steve never thought he’d get such a reaction. He expected anger. He expected hatred and deep, utter thirst for vengeance. He’d never in a million years expect Bucky to say that he was fine with what happened…till it wasn’t. “And now?” Steve asked dryly.

“And now I want nothing more than to leave everything and move to some far off land with you and forget the words Captain America and HYDRA for good.”

Steve’s lips parted. All his uncertain assumptions, all his convictions− it was all reaffirmed into cold, hard marble. Bucky was _not_ responsible for HYDRA’s attack. He was _not_ responsible for the death of the taxi driver. He wanted to get away from all this. He was done.

Steve looked at his hands. They’d seen war, violence, death, loss, agony… They’d killed men. They’d rescued soldiers. Ever since the serum, Steve was always at war, whether it was war with Germany, war with aliens in New York or war with HYDRA. He was always at war. Bucky wanted to leave it all behind. Bucky wanted peace.

“We’re flying out to Peggy’s funeral in London next weekend,” Steve said softly. “Maybe when it’s over…you and me…” The words were strangled in Steve’s throat as his tongue swelled. They were going to a funeral for an action that Bucky caused. The man before Steve had killed Peggy Carter and yet Steve was about to propose they run off together into some distant land and hide from the world. He hated himself for wanting it so badly. He wanted Bucky. Even when he had nothing he had Bucky. Steve had everything now; friends, money, an actual job. He wasn’t homeless or sleeping in a dump of an apartment. He wasn’t tiny and asthmatic. All he wanted was Bucky. He didn’t care for anything else but Bucky.

“Run away together?” Bucky asked; finishing Steve’s sentence. “You think the Avengers would let you? The CIA?”

Steve laughed softly. “I’m not telling them. We’d just do it.”

Bucky sat on the bed. He slipped his lips against Steve’s; running his tongue along the inside of Steve’s lips. “Maybe,” he whispered.

Steve took that as Bucky playing hard to get. He wrapped his arms around the brunette, pulling their chests together as he pressed a bruising kiss against those soft, supple lips. Bucky moaned softly; unsure and as if it was an accident. Steve’s spine tingled. He pushed Bucky against the bed, running his fingers over Bucky’s exposed skin. He dipped his fingers into the gentle curves of Bucky’s abs, along the line of his sternum and around one, tanned nipple.

Bucky gasped, arching into Steve’s touch. “Steve,” he gasped out; strained and desperate. “Steve I want you. I can’t wait anymore.”

Steve felt his heart tug at the pleading tone of Bucky’s voice. There was such a divine innocence in those eyes as they begged for Steve’s touch. Still, Steve thought back on both times they’d tried and both times Steve was hit in the gut by HYDRA’s removal of Bucky’s memories about sex. He wasn’t even sure Bucky knew what he was really asking. “Bucky…” he sighed; his eyes clouding over with hesitation.

“I know what I’m doing this time,” Bucky said, straddling Steve. “Just watch me.”

Steve’s heart lurched into his heart as the words softly fell from Bucky’s full lips. “You remember?” he asked hopefully.

Bucky looked away; his long eyelashes downcast as he chewed his bottom lip. “I researched it.”

Steve felt his heart’s layers peel and fall to the base of his stomach in disappointment. He’d resigned to the idea that Bucky would never remember who he’d been, but there was always that glimmer of hope; however faint.

“But I know what I’m doing,” Bucky continued. He ran his fingers though Steve’s hair; kissing his face softly. “Please Steve.” He sucked at Steve’s earlobe. “Lemme show you.”

Steve’s response was better said in actions rather than words. He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s back, pulling his fingers down Bucky’s muscles and resting at the dimples of his lower back. He caught Bucky’s lips in a desperate, messy kiss. He sloshed his tongue against Bucky’s, feeling tears sting his eyes. Bucky had researched this… Either he cared enough about Steve to prove a point or he cared enough to not embarrass himself again. Steve saw love in that and it filled him with such elation.

Bucky moaned softly, rolling his hips into Steve as he continued to pull at Steve’s hair. He ran his metal hand down the back of Steve’s neck; pulling a shiver out of Steve from the cold. He gasped into the kiss as Steve’s fingers roamed further down, groping Bucky’s ass and pulling at his ass cheeks. “You like my ass?” he asked shyly.

Steve’s eyes snapped open as he saw the hint of mischief sparking in Bucky’s stormy-blue eyes. “You little shit,” he responded. “You wanna play with dirty talk?”

Bucky rolled his body; pointedly and a very pronounced fashion, allowing the _tiniest_ , innocent moan to pass his lips. “You don’t think I can be dirty?”

Steve smiled darkly. “Oh I remember you having a _filthy_ mouth.”

Bucky leaned back; holding onto Steve’s shoulders as he rocked his lower body against Steve. He rolled his head to the side to expose the tender skin of his neck. “Help me remember that mouth, Stevie,” he whined softly.

Steve picked Bucky up; crashing his lips against Bucky’s once more as he slammed him into the wall. Steve wasn’t going to let this chance slip him again. _‘Third time’s a charm…’_ Bucky knew what he was doing. His motions, his voice…everything was extremely directed for show to reassure Steve and Steve was drinking it all in at a maddening pace.

Bucky’s hands roamed his back as he pulled at his shirt. “Steve,” he gasped. “Off.”

Steve managed to push Bucky up against the wall secure enough so Bucky could help him slip his shirt off. Their lips met once more, crashing in a delirious passion. Teeth grazed against teeth. Lips tangled against slurping, desperate lips. Steve was going crazy. Bucky kept emitting these tiny, innocent _little_ gasps as he’d rub his dick up against Steve’s torso. Steve felt Bucky’s heart slamming against his chest as if it were trying to burrow into Steve’s chest. The thought of their bodies connecting so close that their _souls_ couldn’t even tell the difference was enough to let a desperate, smoky groan to slip from Steve.

He pulled Bucky away from the wall, slamming him against the bed. Frantically, Steve pulled at Bucky’s sweatpants; throwing them to the floor without a care. He balanced on his knees; appraising the other man below him.

Bucky’s chest was lightly pink from the friction between their bodies as Steve had held him against the wall. His lips were sparkling with saliva, swollen and so very _red_. Steve growled, placing a rough kiss against those lips before pulling back and running his fingers down Bucky’s stomach. He kissed at Bucky’s sternum, lapping lightly against the silken skin.

Bucky’s hands were in his hair, pulling him toward his nipples and whining desperately, “ _Steve_ , please, there.”

Steve didn’t have to be told twice. He lapped up Bucky’s tanned nipples; swirling his tongue around the sensitive skin. He bit down, pulling lightly. “Oh fuck!” Bucky hissed. “Yeah baby, hurt me. _Bite_ me, please make me cry.”

That was new to Steve, but he didn’t want to think about it too hard. He bit down harder, feeling Bucky arch up as he yelped. Steve’s mouth covered the nipple, sucking at it gently with sloppy kisses as he soothed away the pain. He roamed his hands down Bucky’s body, squeezing the man’s dick for a moment; long enough for Bucky to spew out a chant of, _Oh baby, yes, yes, yes, yes_. He pulled his hand away, running his fingers violently down Bucky’s chest; digging his nails in and watching red lines rise in his wake. “Oh, fuck!” Bucky called out. “Fuck, Steve. Fuck, yes, yes baby, yes.”

The old Bucky was a fan of dirty talk and the occasional raunchy sexual escapade, but this Bucky… This Bucky was desperate and utterly _addicted_ to mixing pleasure and pain. Steve wasn’t entirely sure what implications that meant, but he was damn sure he’d think about it later and _not_ right now.

“Steve,” Bucky whined out. “Show me your cock. Please, I wanna see your _big_ fucking cock.” He leaned up on his elbows, licking at the sides of those lush, red lips.

Steve laughed. “You want my cock, doll?” Steve teased. “Wanna see how big it is?”

Bucky shivered. “Oh yes! Yes, baby please, _please_  let me see.”

Steve slid off the bed, dropping his pants seductively before Bucky, reaching down and stroking himself a few times for show. His back muscles clenched as the pleasure soothed over his muscles.

Bucky sat up, licking at his lips hungrily with wild, desperate eyes. “Fuck, Steve,” he breathed out. “You gonna fuck me with that?”

Steve was almost embarrassed by Bucky’s calculated question. His cheeks heated up. “Yeah, baby doll. I’m gonna fuck you with it.”

Bucky’s legs clenched as an excited giggle burst from his throat. “What about your mouth, Steve?”

Steve bit his bottom lip. Bucky’s body…his voice… That desperate, pleading, husky voice and those innocent dark eyes… There was no precedent for how _gorgeous_ Bucky was.

Bucky stood up pulling Steve into an embrace as he crushed his lips against Steve’s. Steve yelped in surprise as the metal arm wrapped around his back; pulling him roughly against Bucky’s chest. Steve’s nipples grazed against Bucky’s heated skin, sending shivers down Steve’s spine and right into his throbbing cock. “I want that pretty little mouth wrapped around my dick, Stevie,” Bucky moaned out. “Take care of me and I’ll take care of you?”

Steve’s lips twisted into a lust-filled smile. “Believe me,” he said gruffly. “I’ll take care of you, Bucky.”

Bucky laughed, shoving Steve down onto his knees. Bucky sat on the bed, motioning with a finger for Steve to get closer. He leaned back, stroking at his cock seductively for a moment; never taking his eyes off Steve. “Put my cock in your mouth, Steve,” Bucky whined. “I wanna feel that hot mouth around my dick.”

Steve moved forward on his knees, grabbing the base of Bucky’s dick and sucking at the cockhead. He felt Bucky’s legs clench as a long, guttural moan passed form Bucky’s lips. “Oh, _fuck_! Oh yeah, Steve. Use that dirty talented tongue of yours.”

Steve swirled his tongue around the slit, flicking it over it a few more times before enveloping the tip again in his mouth and sucking hard. He looked up at Bucky, watching as his mouth went slack and his brows creased together. Bucky opened his glazed eyes and looked down at Steve, offering a crooked smile. Electric pulses beamed down Steve’s spine as he caught that gaze. He used to love sucking Bucky off. Watching Bucky’s face drown in so much pleasure was the highlight of Steve’s life and Steve wanted Bucky to feel like he was swimming in an ocean.

Bucky reached down, tangling his flesh fingers into the short strands of Steve’s hair. He pushed Steve further down his cock. “Steve,” he whined out. “I wanna hit the back of your throat.”

Steve growled appreciatively. He opened his mouth wider, sliding Bucky’s dick further into his mouth. He swirled his tongue along Bucky’s cock, focusing on the veins that pulsated beneath the skin. He hallowed out his cheeks, enveloping more of Bucky as he sucked deeply. He bobbed up and down, emitting raw slurping sounds each time he’d come up the tip. He flicked his tongue out, swirling the _smallest_ little circles at the slit.

Bucky practically lurched up. He grabbed Steve’s head with both his hands. “Holy, fucking, God _damn_ it, Steve, fuck, Steve, your _mouth’s_ so good! Fuck! Fuck!”

Steve gulped Bucky down, feeling saliva slip down his chin as he continued to sloppily suck Bucky off. His tongue swirled around Bucky’s cock, coming to focus just below the cockhead. Steve sucked hard against Bucky’s tip, slurping loudly and messily as he hummed against the sensitive skin.

Bucky’s legs started to shake as he let out a shrill, appreciative moan. Steve’s tongue guided Bucky’s cock back, deep into his mouth. He allowed it to hit the back of his throat; his gag muscles tightening around Bucky’s dick. “ _Fuck_ yeah, Steve! Oh God, Steve!” Bucky whimpered.  “I love your mouth. I _fucking_ love your mouth! Ah! Ah!” Bucky’s fingers were trembling against Steve’s head as he held the blonde against his dick.

Steve licked at the underside of Bucky’s cock before flicking it over his slit a few times; squeezing his balls in his fingers lightly. He heard Bucky’s head slam back into the bed. Bucky’s breathing was rhythmic in these soft, _delicate_ pants. Steve’s dick throbbed anxiously between his legs. From Bucky’s maddening sounds, Steve was pretty sure he was getting close to coming. He sucked Bucky back into his mouth, swirling his tongue roughly against the length of Bucky’s cock. He pulled back, stroking with his fingers at the pace his mouth had taken. “Wanna come in my mouth, Bucky?” he asked hoarsely. “I wanna feel your seed slipping down the back of my throat, baby. I wanna taste you _so bad_.”

Bucky whimpered anxiously. “Fuck yeah Steve. Oh fuck, _fuck_ yeah.” He rolled his head back against the bed again.

Steve lapped up the underside of Bucky’s cock; still using his fingers to pump at the base of Bucky’s swollen, red dick. He sucked at the head, swirling his tongue loudly and tracing his lips against it before enveloping it again and again.

Bucky was shivering violently now. His pitchy moans were in rhythm with Steve’s mouth as Steve bobbed further down Bucky’s cock, slurping loudly as he’d envelop the tip in a kiss, flicking his tongue before pulling Bucky’s entire length inside his mouth again.

“Ah! Ah! Steve,” Bucky breathed out frantically. “ _Nnn_ , Steve! Steve! Steve!” Bucky arched his back, crying out desperate, delicate gasps and moans as his come pulsed into Steve’s mouth.

Steve held the come in his mouth, swallowing only a bit of it as he continued to bob up and down Bucky’s cock. His fingers cupped around Bucky’s balls, giving them a light squeeze. The brunette bucked forward, hitting the back of Steve’s throat with a desperate, mewling moan.

Steve pulled Bucky up, throwing himself onto the chair in the room and pulling Bucky atop him. Bucky’s lips crashed against his as he slid come into Bucky’s mouth. Bucky gasped in surprise, gurgling lightly as the liquid passed into his mouth. He pulled back; his eyes round as a small strand trickled down his chin. “I-is that?”

Steve laughed. “I like sharing.” He ran his hands softly down Bucky’s back. “And you taste so good, doll.”

Bucky smiled insecurely. He slipped his lips against Steve’s as his tongue shoved deep into Steve’s mouth. He rocked his hips into Steve; grazing the man’s cock with his ass cheeks. Steve moaned, rolling his hips up to meet Bucky’s. “Bucky,” Steve gasped out. He licked at the come against the man’s cheek. “I wanna fuck your tight, little hole raw.”

Bucky giggled in delight. “Please, Steve, please fuck me hard.” He spread his legs wider, wiggling his ass lightly in excitement. Steve’s hands roamed down, pulling Bucky’s cheeks apart, rubbing his dick up lightly as his cockhead gently slipped against the dips of Bucky’s ass.

“Oh fuck, Bucky,” Steve whispered out. “You’re so sexy, baby.” He pressed his lips against Bucky’s again; lighter this time. “I wanna fuck you so deep you taste me in the back of your throat.”

Bucky’s smile was practically from ear-to-ear.  He pressed his face into Steve’s neck, biting down on the skin and sucking at it roughly. “Mmm, yeah, Steve, give me your big, _hard_ cock.” It wasn’t so much as the words were alluring as they were comical, but Steve still felt his dick twitching at Bucky’s breathy tone and that desperate little pitch at the end of each sentence.

Steve spread his legs out, letting Bucky slide a bit further up him. Bucky’s dick dropped against Steve’s abs. He reached down, swirling two fingers atop the head lightly.

“Ah!” Bucky cried out. “Ah, Steve no! No not yet!”

Laughing, Steve’s fingers slid down Bucky’s back again and to his ass. He spread Bucky’s cheeks wide, bringing one finger up to Bucky’s mouth. “Suck it,” he ordered.

Bucky eyed the finger with wonder as he hungrily pulled it into his mouth. His tongue rolled around it, coating it thickly with saliva. He chewed lightly on it; looking up at Steve with eyes begging for approval.

“You’re doing so good, Bucky,” Steve said. “You like feeling like this?”

Bucky nodded frantically.

Steve laughed. He pulled his finger out, earning himself a discontent whine as Bucky’s lips searched for something else to suck on. He latched against Steve’s lips, pulling them roughly into his mouth and grazing his teeth against them. A guttural moan escaped Steve’s lips as he rocked into Bucky’s body.

“Put your finger in my ass, Steve,” Bucky whined. “Please, I wanna feel you inside me!”

Steve spread Bucky’s cheeks, pushing his saliva-coating finger up into Bucky’s little hole. Bucky’s head reeled back as he gasped in pleasure. “Oh _fuck_ , Steve. You make me feel so good.”

Steve chuckled darkly. “You like that baby?” He pushed his finger further, sliding it against the clenching muscles of Bucky’s ass. “I wanna make you feel so good. So tell me when you like something.”

Bucky pushed down against Steve’s finger, rolling his hips and letting out tiny, shrill moans. He pressed his lips against Steve’s again, biting and pulling at Steve’s bottom lip. Steve swirled his finger inside Bucky, feeling the muscles clench or give way as Bucky’s hole relaxed. He broke the kiss to spit into his free hand, reaching around to coat whatever saliva he could against a second digit. “You want another baby?”

Bucky’s eyes lit up as he rolled hard against Steve. His cock twitched against Steve’s stomach. “Yes, Steve, please, please can I have another?”

Steve pushed a second finger inside, careful not to move it too quickly. Bucky’s pain tolerance was sky high compared to normal people but Steve didn’t feel right about intentionally hurting him like this. Bucky let out a light gasp as he pushed back against the second finger. “Fuck me, Steve,” he growled out. “Don’t give me this easy.”

Steve grimaced but he shoved the other finger inside. Bucky yelped loudly as his body convulsed atop Steve. He brought his face down against Steve’s shoulder, whining desperately as Steve swirled his fingers inside Bucky, stroking over the dips and grooves of the muscle. Bucky brought his lips back against Steve’s, grinding his teeth desperately against Steve’s as he claimed him in a fevered, sloppy kiss.

Steve scissored his fingers inside Bucky, rocking his hips into the rhythm as Bucky rolled atop Steve. He emitted tiny, innocent mewling sounds as he rocked against Steve’s fingers. “So good,” he gasped out. “Steve, you make me feel so good.”

Steve smiled proudly into the next kiss. He flirtatiously nipped at Bucky’s lips; chuckling softly. He lined up a third finger. He wouldn’t bother with the salvia. It didn’t seem like Bucky cared anyway. He pressed in up to the first joints, pulling out and then plunging down to the next joint and out again. Bucky’s body shivered as he swayed his hips from side to side over Steve’s fingers. “Mmmm,” he muttered. “Yeah Steve, fuck me with your fingers. Ahh, ahh fuck yeah.”

Steve was pumping up to his knuckles now. He reached his other hand down, stroking slowly against Bucky’s cock to get it hard again. Bucky gasped as he bit down hard against his lips. “Steve!” he cried out. “Too much, too soon!”

Steve pulled his hand back, pressing a light, apologetic kiss against his lover’s lips. Were they lovers again? They slept in the same bed and said they loved each other. Was it that simple? Steve felt it wasn’t that easy. Bucky had been so reserved since the day he’d said he’d put distance between them. This was the first time in almost a week that they’d showed any form of true affection for each other aside from cuddling to sleep.

He curled his fingers inside Bucky, brushing against the man’s prostate a few times, smiling triumphantly as Bucky rammed his hips forward, moaning loudly in that pitchy, desperate tone of his. “I wanna ride it. Steve I wanna ride your cock. Please, _please_ let me ride your cock, baby.”

Steve shivered at the distressed tone of Bucky’s voice and how his pitch would get higher at the end of each sentence. Bucky had always topped before he fell. He’d never acted like this before; all need and desperate, but Steve was damn fine with it now. Bucky’s behavior was intoxicating and Steve was drowning against it. “Yeah baby, I want you to ride it.”

Bucky stood up, spreading his legs over the chair more as he grabbed at Steve’s dick, stroking it slowly and swirling his thumb atop the slit, coating the head with precome. “Your dick’s so sexy, Stevie,” Bucky breathed out. “It’s gonna fill me so nice.”

Steve couldn’t get over how slightly embarrassed he felt each time Bucky would utter some form of dirty statement. He ducked his chin bashfully, allowing a small smile to play at the corners of his mouth.

“Wanna feel me from inside, baby?” Bucky asked. He grazed his fingernails over Steve’s tip.

Steve shook violently. His toes curled against the carpet from the light sensation. “Oh fuck! Yeah Bucky. I wanna feel your hot little ass from inside.” It almost disgusted Steve how easy it was to play a character who enjoyed dirty talk. He didn’t mind it. Clearly he was fine with it, but he’d never been the one uttering the words before. It had always been Bucky. Steve used to get away with shy giggles and soft cries of, “Bucky!” But not anymore. Bucky was directly asking him questions and catching his gaze with those sultry, desperate eyes. Steve had to play this part for Bucky.

Bucky went down onto his knees, slurping down Steve’s cock; swirling his tongue firmly against Steve’s length as he coated the dick with saliva.

Steve rolled his head back; moaning and bucking his hips up to gently graze against Bucky’s throat. His shoulders shivered as Bucky squeezed at his sac. He pumped his mouth up and down a few more times before dropping Steve’s cock with a loud wet sound.

Bucky stood back up, spreading his legs over Steve. “Open me up, baby,” he purred.

Steve’s hands dug into Bucky’s soft ass cheeks, pulling his ass open. Bucky lowered himself down, pushing just slightly at the resistance of Steve’s cockhead. He uttered out a delicious gasp as his mouth dropped open. “Oh fuck, Bucky,” Steve groaned. “You’re so tight.”

Bucky laughed. His muscles clenched around Steve’s cock as he lowered himself further. He balanced himself against Steve’s shoulders; arching his back. “You’re so big, Stevie. My little hole’s gonna fill up so much with you.”

Steve couldn’t help the lurch of his hips as he shoved further inside Bucky. Bucky let out a sharp gasp as pain registered in his face. His body shook as tears swelled in his eyes. Steve’s heart cracked as worry filled his face. “Bucky! I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

Bucky waved one hand dismissively. “Fine, baby,” he whispered. He pressed a reassuring kiss against Steve’s lips, tracing them with his tongue. He bounced himself up and down; clearly testing out the sensation before doing it again with more confidence. Steve wasn’t fully in yet, but this was still good. He grabbed at Bucky’s ass, spreading those cheeks as far as his body would allow. He didn’t rock back into Bucky. He’d let Bucky decide how deep Steve’s cock would go.

Bucky would slid up to Steve’s tip before thrusting back down. He’d clench his muscles against Steve with every thrust. Steve wasn’t sure how Bucky knew what he was doing or how he’d gotten so good at it, but he didn’t care. His brain filled with a lusty glaze as he smacked his hands against Bucky’s ass lightly, hearing the sharp _clap_ echo into the air.

Bucky laughed, pressing an excited kiss against Steve’s lips before licking at the side of his mouth. “Mm, do that again,” he purred; rolling his body in a deep, long thrust.

Steve felt his balls hit against Bucky’s ass as Bucky had taken him all in. He smacked Bucky’s ass again before digging his fingers into that plush little ass. Bucky circled his hips, pulling a low, deep moan from Steve as his dick slid up further into Bucky. “Oh fuck, baby. God, you’re beautiful,” Steve breathed out. He dropped his head back, watching through heavy-lidded eyes as Bucky continued to bounce up and down, breathing out those breathy, pitchy moans that Steve was beginning to love so much.

Bucky’s muscles clenched around Steve’s cock; pulling him further− harder against him as he’d roll into Steve. “Ah, ah, ah,” Bucky gasped rhythmically. “Fuck, Steve. I love your cock. I love your cock,” he repeated as he rolled his head back; fluttering his eyelids as pleasure washed over his face.

Steve started to thrust up against Bucky, matching the man’s rhythm as he continued to massage his fingers into Bucky’s ass. He loved feeling Bucky’s ass jiggle each time his dick would slam into him. He loved hearing those little moans that slipped from Bucky’s not-so-innocent lips. Bucky was a fucking _god_ at making love and Steve was damn sure this was coming from some form of muscle memory his body had known long ago.

“T-turn around,” Steve whispered huskily. Bucky stood up, panting heavily as he came to sit backwards atop Steve. Steve pulled Bucky’s cheeks apart again, aiming his cock into that battered, hungry asshole. Bucky enveloped him with ease, pushing down against him roughly. He rocked his body in long exaggerated body rolls, as he twisted his legs into Steve’s.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he panted. “Fuck, Steve. So good. Your cock’s so perfect baby.”

Steve smiled softly, running his fingers down Bucky’s back as he continued to thrust up into Bucky, feeling those hot, luscious muscles clench around his throbbing dick. He pulled Bucky back, forcing the man to crane his neck so they could lick at each other’s mouths desperately. Bucky moaned into Steve’s mouth, licking at the roof of his mouth as he rocked back against Steve.

Steve’s hands went down to Bucky’s thighs. He dug his nails into the skin. Bucky hissed in response, throwing his head back over Steve’s shoulder. “Fuck, Steve. Steve you’re so good.”

Steve grabbed at Bucky’s hips, rolling his hips up into Bucky as Bucky would roll down into him. He slammed harder into Bucky’s hole, hitting his prostate easier at this angle. Bucky cried out, over and over with each trust as his prostate was glazed over. His muscles pulled at Steve, desperate to keep him inside forever.

Bucky rode Steve’s cock; getting a good rhythm so his hard dick was swinging to the rhythm they’d created. Both of them were panting heavily. Steve leaned forward, biting at Bucky’s back roughly, groaning each time Bucky would slam back down on him with his frenzied thrusts.

Bucky leaned over Steve’s shoulder, resting his back a bit on the chair. He continued rolling his body. Steve watched as his exposed abs rolled under that taught, gorgeous skin. Bucky stared into Steve’s eyes. “Steve, Steve fuck me more,” he moaned out anxiously.

Steve wrapped one arm around Bucky’s chest to pinch at a nipple. His other hand went down to Bucky’s perineum to stroke his fingers against it.

Bucky’s head dropped back heavily as he shrieked out in pleasure. His body rolled faster as he’d slip Steve’s cock up against his prostate. Steve was hitting that poor, battered gland from the front with his fingers and from behind with his cock. He rammed up harshly, hearing his sac smack loudly against Bucky’s ass. “Oh God! Oh God, oh God, oh God!” Bucky cried out, getting louder with each syllable.

Steve licked at the side of Bucky’s chest, just a bit below his underarm; kissing and grazing his teeth lightly. “I want you to come again for me, doll,” he panted out. “Can you do that Bucky? Come hard for me again?”

Bucky swallowed hard. Steve heard his dried throat squelch as saliva desperately attempted to coat it again. He needed, wincing as Steve hit up against his prostate again. “Y-yeah, baby. Oh, oh! Ah! Ah!”

Steve grabbed at Bucky’s dick now, pumping in tune to his fast thrusts. Bucky continued to rock back heavily into Steve, gasping and whimpering as Steve continued to force his cock further into that raw asshole. “Gonna come for me soon baby? I want you to get it all over you baby. I wanna be able to spread it all over your chest and lick you clean,” Steve teased. He bit at the side of Bucky’s chest again.

“Oh! Steve! Yeah, Steve! Oh Go− Oh fu− fu−” Bucky cried out. He bit his lip roughly, attempting to stifle a gurgled moan as it escaped his mouth.

Steve pumped faster at Bucky’s dick, paying close attention to the underside of the tip. He continued to slam his cock into Bucky’s hole, shoving his tip against Bucky’s prostate gland, over and over.

Bucky was whimpering desperately now. His body was shaking violently as tears slipped from his eyes. He leaned his head back, crying out loudly as his seed pumped from his dick. Steve aimed up, getting it across Bucky’s upper stomach and chest. Bucky’s muscles clamped down in frantic spasms against Steve’s cock.

Steve threw his head back, moaning loudly as the sensation pulled an anxious heat into his stomach. Bucky’s ass was perfection. His sounds were divine. Steve was so sure Bucky could get him off on those sounds alone.

Bucky gasped deeply, desperate for air as he continued to rock back into Steve’s cock. “You gonna come soon, baby?” he asked through a rough, strained voice.

Steve nodded, panting heavier as he kept up his hasty pace. “Tighten your muscles around me,” Steve requested raucously.

Bucky brought down his hips, swaying into Steve and clenched his muscles around Steve in short bursts. The sensation sent Steve forward, folding Bucky in on himself as he wrapped an arm around Bucky’s shoulder and continued nailing at that succulent, beautiful asshole. “Fuck, Bucky,” Steve gasped out. “Oh shit, oh shit!” He thrust hard against Bucky, loving how Bucky was still mewling those tiny little gasps.

“Come in me, baby,” Bucky cried out. “Ah, fuck, baby! Come in me! Come in me. Fill me up baby, please, _please_! I want your come dripping down my thighs, Stevie.”

Steve’s body tingled anxiously as Bucky’s pleading, wrecked words sent him over the edge. “Ah! Ah! Bucky! Fuck! Bucky, Buck-y!” His orgasm pulsated up from his toes, squeezing his thighs and shooting up his spine to his brain stem; heating up his face and back down to his dick where it pulsated violently into Bucky, spewing come into Bucky’s asshole.

He rocked into Bucky a few more times before pushing Bucky’s ass up to indicate he wanted him off. Bucky stood slowly, wincing as Steve’s dick fell from his ass as it made the softest squelching sound. He turned around, straddling Steve, running his fingers up and down the come that coated his chest and abs.

Steve’s fingers traced at it as well, smearing it around Bucky’s nipple. He blew at it playfully; watching the nipple go hard from the stimulation. Bucky let out the softest, most content moan.

“I love you,” he said.

Steve brought a come-coated finger up to Bucky’s mouth, letting him lick at it. “I love you too,” he responded, watching Bucky’s cheeks suck in as he swirled his tongue around Steve’s finger. Bucky dropped the finger, pulling Steve’s hand into his as he kissed at each knuckle. Steve turned his hand over, allowing Bucky to press a soft kiss into the palm. It amazed Steve how Bucky could go from a desperate, greedy bottom to an innocent, pure child in the course of a few seconds. Steve had never had that talent when he’d bottom for Bucky.

He picked Bucky up, dropping him gently on the bed to lean down over him. He traced his tongue along the come, slurping it into his mouth. Bucky breathed out a content, tired sigh. “I wear you out?” Steve teased lightly.

Bucky nodded. “You’re a fucking champ.”

Steve laughed, feeling blush heat up his cheeks. “I learned from you.” He lapped around Bucky’s nipple, swallowing the bitter come.

“I want another shower,” Bucky mumbled.

Steve leaned back. He curiously spread Bucky’s legs, watching as a soft, shimmer of liquid seeped from that swollen, beaten asshole. A sense of pride bloomed into Steve’s heart. He’d done that. He’d given Bucky that pleasure.

Bucky laughed, dropping his legs. “I like your come inside me.”

Steve rolled his eyes. Without sex to hide behind, it was a bit harder to talk dirtier with Bucky. Steve ran his nose along Bucky’s abs, licking at the dips of his stomach. He felt Bucky’s muscles tense when he’d graze over a ticklish area or relax when it wasn’t so sensitive.

“Steve?” Bucky whispered.

Steve looked up; running his tongue along one of Bucky’s Adonis lines. Bucky was looking at him; his gaze flicking to Steve’s pink tongue. Steve sat up, running his tongue over his teeth. “What, Bucky?” he finally asked.

“You really wanna leave all this behind?”

Steve shrugged. “If I’m with you. I don’t care where we go.”

Bucky’s face seemed to drain of all the stresses and strains he’d been experiencing since he’d been reunited with Steve. He sat up, pulling Steve’s face to his and clashing their lips together roughly. Steve’s eyes snapped open at the ferocity but he settled, letting his eyes slip closed and ran one of his hands into Bucky’s hair.

“I take it you’re happy about that?” Steve laughed out, licking the saliva off his lips.

Bucky smiled. It was real. It shimmered in his eyes and brightened his face. Steve hadn’t seen Bucky look that beautiful since before the war. Steve felt a lump form in the back of his throat as he fought to keep breathing. What had caused this sudden change? Sex? Admitting his feelings? Wanting to run away? Which one? All of them?

“I’ve got an idea where we could go,” Bucky said. “But…I wanna shower first. I need to explain it all to you.”

Steve laughed. “Oh? Not enjoying my come up your ass anymore?” He kissed Bucky’s shoulder.

“I just wanna shower!” Bucky stood up, pulling Steve with him. “And you’re joining me.”

* * *

 

Bucky wasn’t sure he’d experienced true relief before but he was absolutely certain he was experiencing it right now. If Steve was willing to give up the Avengers for Bucky, then Bucky felt it safe to try to talk to Steve about HYDRA. Or at least, test the waters out. Bucky had planted the bait earlier. He'd cornered Steve into a discussion of Bucky's desire to run away and in turn, he'd been delivered with something so much better. Steve was willing! If Steve willingly submitted to the Asset program, things could probably go a lot better. He may not even need his memories taken since he’d be a willing participant. Hope blossomed in Bucky’s chest as he stepped under the warm current of the water with Steve following after.

His ass was a bit sore but Bucky was more focused on how absolutely _proud_ he felt. He’d had sex with Steve. He’d enjoyed sex with Steve. He’d gotten Steve to tell him everything he wanted to hear and there was so much hope there! If Bucky didn’t have to kidnap Steve…if he didn’t have to kill him… There could be a life for them together. They could be part of the Asset program together. Bucky wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. He wouldn’t have to lie to Steve anymore. It elated Bucky’s soul, pulling an energy out of him that he didn’t know existed.

He dipped his head back, letting the water massage over his head; wetting his hair. He hummed appreciatively.

Steve stepped forward; wrapping his arms around Bucky and sliding his hands down to Bucky’s ass crack. His hands were soapy and he spread Bucky’s cheeks cleaning him of the come. Bucky dropped his face into Steve’s shoulder. “You don’t have to do that,” he said.

“I want to,” Steve said, offering a crooked smile.

Bucky’s eyes slipped closed as he focused on Steve’s fingers. It wasn’t necessarily sexual despite Steve fingering into his hole and curling his fingers to clean him, but it was extremely alluring. Bucky felt like he’d fall from relaxation if Steve kept pampering him like this. With HYDRA, he couldn’t even remember bathing. He’d been wiped before he was assigned his mission with Steve. He knew what HYDRA wanted him to know and nothing else. Bucky wasn’t sure when the last time was that someone had touched him like Steve did. He wasn’t sure of the last time he’d had a shower with HYDRA, or if he ever did. He was a gun to be put back in the closet after it was discharged. Bucky used to not care. He cared about that a lot now. He hoped HYDRA wouldn’t keep the way they had before. Perhaps with two Assets, they could change the program. Maybe give Bucky the dignity of having “Bucky” as his name, even to HYDRA. He’d never realized how important a name was till Steve started calling him one. Now it bothered him to think he’d ever been called anything else. 

“You okay?” Steve asked. “You got all serious-looking.”

Bucky laughed lightly. “I’m just thinking. We’re gonna be together till the end of the line.” He knew how much weight those words carried for Steve now. They’d been special enough to utter before Steve attempted to sacrifice himself to Bucky and Bucky…he’d known them somehow. They stirred a familiarity even within him that was hard to put a finger on.

Steve pressed tiny, soft kisses against Bucky’s face, making sure to kiss every available section. His hands slid up Bucky’s sides, roaming up to his chest and wrapped around his shoulders. Steve’s lips pressed into Bucky’s softly, almost as if the kiss was too rough they’d both shatter into thousands of pieces.

Bucky felt tears sting in his eyes as the warmth of the water rushed over him. He didn’t understand why he suddenly felt so sad. Everything was getting better. Bucky could kill Natasha with ease as he no longer had to worry about Steve _really_ caring. Steve just…couldn’t find out it was Bucky that did it. Natasha would die and Steve would be upset, but Steve could find comfort in Bucky and Bucky was more than willing to hold Steve for as long as it took for him to heal. Bucky would approach the subject of HYDRA and hopefully Steve would agree, because he’d have Bucky.

They could be together. No lies. No secrets.

Bucky moaned into the kiss, slipping his tongue into Steve’s mouth as he wrapped his arms around Steve’s back, sliding them down to squeeze at Steve’s perfect ass. Steve laughed into the kiss, but he didn’t break it.

Everything was finally falling into place. Bucky could complete this mission. He could keep Steve. He worried about Steve rejecting HYDRA but after Bucky would explain it all, perhaps he’d understand. Perhaps he’d even begin to see why HYDRA was necessary for the world. After HYDRA succeeds, they could finally “be done.”

“I haven’t…” Steve pulled back. His face tightened as he searched for the right words. “I haven’t felt this happy in a long time, Buck.”

Bucky offered a crooked smile as he looked up with large, almond eyes.

“I thought…I thought I was losing you again. I thought you were…” He scoffed at himself. “Nevermind. It’s stupid.”

Bucky’s brow creased. “No,” he said gently. “Nothing’s stupid. Tell me.”

Steve grabbed the body wash and lathered it into a washcloth. He started scrubbing at Bucky’s torso. “I just…thought that maybe you hadn’t entirely come back yet.”

Bucky’s heart grew heavy as the familiar sense of anxiety tingled up his legs. “What d’you mean?”

“I mean,” Steve began as he scrubbed down Bucky’s arm. “I was waiting for a knife in the back, I guess…” He swallowed roughly. “I didn’t at first. Just…things have been tense, since Peggy.”

Bucky nodded. “I know. I hate myself for that.”

“Don’t. I should have been more careful.” Steve offered a strained shrug. “Turn around.”

Bucky did as instructed. He felt the washcloth against his back, rubbing in small circles. “I could have stopped myself.”

“It’s over,” Steve said.

“I wish I could change it, Steve,” Bucky said, turning back around and grabbing Steve’s face. “I don’t have a lot of regrets. I don’t know what I should regret. But I regret that. I’m so sorry.”

Steve’s face reddened. Bucky wasn’t sure if it was the steam that was billowing around them or that he was going to cry. “It’s over, Buck. Let’s just move past it.”

Bucky took the washcloth, scrubbing down his legs and over his dick. “I’m still sorry.”

Steve grabbed the shampoo. “I know,” he said softly. He massaged at Bucky’s scalp; lathering up the shampoo thickly atop Bucky’s head.

Bucky moved back under the water to rise off. He scrubbed at his head roughly, watching tiny, crystalline droplets of water splash toward Steve. Steve was scrubbing himself now with the washcloth. Bucky snatched it away. “No,” he said. “I wanna do it.”

Steve smiled, handing over the washcloth.

Bucky rubbed the washcloth in circles over Steve’s skin till he was lightly pink. He’d gone down the rippling divots of Steve’s abs, over his broad shoulders and along his spine. Steve was a masterpiece created by gods. He was science-created, but that didn’t stop Bucky from believing that gods walked among men.

“Turn around, punk,” Bucky said. He’d said it so casually that it took him a minute to realize that Steve was staring at him with wide, astonished eyes. “What?” he asked defensively.

“N-nothing. I just like it when you call me a punk.”

“Jesus,” Bucky snorted. “You took all the stupid didn’t you?” Bucky didn’t know why…but these words, everything he was saying. He could see the faintest image of a blonde, skinny man standing before him. It was hazy, like he was under water. “Steve?”

“Yeah?” Steve asked through a bittersweet smile.

“You were small once.”

Steve’s smile opened up wider. “Yeah, Buck. I was tiny.”

Bucky nodded, shrugging it off. He’d known that. It was in the file. What he didn’t know, was why he smelled popcorn and cotton candy and heard the faint sounds of dames laughing. They weren’t dames. People didn’t call women dames anymore.

“I need to lie down,” Bucky said, handing the washcloth back to Steve. He got out of the shower quickly, grabbing a towel. He felt slightly unsteady, like something inside him wasn’t…fitting just right. Like a rib was poking out or his lung was resting too low. He walked into the hallway, seeing Natasha turning the corner from the stairs.

“Bucky,” she said curtly.

“Natasha,” Bucky responded. She stopped to lean against the wall. Her gaze snaked down to Bucky’s torso.

“Did you always look this beefed up or did the serum do the same thing to you?”

Bucky clenched his toes. “Dunno. Don’t remember my last life.”

Natasha looked to the bathroom. “Steve still in there?”

“Yes ma’am.” It was automatic. Bucky hadn’t realized he was providing her with the formality till it’d already slipped from his lips. HYDRA conditioning was hard to change once it was so deeply engrained into his very existence.

Natasha smiled, though Bucky couldn’t discern the reason _behind_ the smile. “So you two made up?”

Bucky leaned against the wall. His hair dripped cool water droplets down the back of his neck and the air conditioning was making him a bit cold from standing in a towel, but for some strange reason, Natasha didn’t seem like she wanted Bucky in his room… “Yeah. Few days ago.”

“Oh,” she said, tossing a hand dismissively in front of her face. “I knew that, but I mean like…you’re together-together. We…” She scrunched up her face, tossing her head lightly from side to side. “We sorta heard you… You get loud.”

Bucky felt his face heat up as his mouth slacked open. “Oh…”

She smiled again, like a wolf about to devour prey.

“Sorry,” Bucky mumbled. He tried to step around her, but she got in the way.

“I just want you to know,” she said, pressing a hand to Bucky’s chest. “I’m really glad you two made up. It sounded like he was really taking care of you.”

Bucky’s gaze followed after her as she walked swiftly down the hallway. He stood there, staring after her after she’d disappeared into her room. Steve came out of the bathroom. He was sporting a red v-neck and gray sweats. “You okay, Buck?”

Bucky nodded, still staring at Natasha’s door. “I will be.” Bucky was damn sure Steve caught the way he phrased that. Steve’s gaze traveled to Natasha’s door as his eyes widened momentarily in shock.

“You wanted to lie down?” Steve suggested. He was clearly trying to distract Bucky now.

Bucky’s gaze finally ripped from the door. He needed to kill her tonight. He couldn’t wait anymore. She knew. She’d made that painfully evident. The only thing protecting Bucky from her was Steve. Bucky was _acutely_ aware that if Steve wasn’t with him, he’d have been tossed into an iron cell a long time ago.

He walked back into their bedroom, dropping the towel to shimmy into his sweatpants again. He liked that all Steve seemed to want to wear around the house were sweats. They were thousands of times more comfortable than Kevlar. Bucky dropped onto the bed, slipping under the covers.

Steve stood at the doorway.

“Are _you_ okay, Steve?” Bucky asked.

Steve offered a strained smile. “Yeah. I’m fine. I’l l just be a second.” He’d moved to open the door, but Bucky was already up, pulling Steve by the wrist toward the bed.

“Where’re you going?” Bucky asked, feeling his heart start to speed up. Had Natasha alerted him to something? Did Steve suddenly know something before Bucky had the chance to tell him his side to the story?

“I wanted to get a glass of water,” Steve said through an uncertain tone.

“You’ve always been a terrible liar, Steve,” Bucky said. He didn’t have time to process why he knew Steve was bad at lying. That wasn’t in the file. He was too focused on maintaining his cover and succeeding in the mission.

Steve furrowed his brow slightly. “I was gonna talk to Natasha,” he admitted. “For you.”

Bucky stepped back. “What? Why?”

Steve huffed lightly. “To prove to her you didn’t kill the taxi driver.”

_‘But I did kill the taxi cab driver…’_

“How do you know I didn’t?” Bucky asked.

Steve smiled. “Because of the way you talked about HYDRA.”

Bucky sat down on the bed, sighing heavily. “If that’ll help you sleep tonight.”

“Why do you not care?”

“Because, Steve… We’re gonna leave them. Why does her opinion matter?”

Steve gave a resigned smile. “Fine.” He walked over to the bed, slipping under the blankets. “I just know she can be pretty intimidating.”

Bucky rest his head against Steve’s chest. He let the rhythmic lulling of Steve’s chest rising and falling as he breathed calm him. Steve didn’t know anything. He wanted to run away with Bucky. He was starting to trust Bucky. The mission wasn’t a total failure yet.

He just needed to kill Natasha.

* * *

 

Bucky had waited for Steve to fall asleep before he moved even a single muscle. He quietly slipped from the bed, going over to the closet to grab a shirt, his gun, silencer and a knife. He carried it out at his side. His gaze was locked on Steve as he silently moved through the room and over to the door. Bucky wasn’t afraid of Steve waking while he was in the room− he was more afraid of Steve waking up and wandering out once he realized Bucky wasn’t there.

Bucky quietly turned the doorknob, wincing as he slowly, _slowly_ opened it up. He slipped out into the dark hallway. He heard muffled conversation from below. It sounded like Hawkeye and Falcon. Bucky found it appropriate that they’d be up late conversing.

He snuck down the hall, keeping his back angled toward the wall as he walked to Natasha’s door. He turned the knob quietly. It was a painfully slow motion but he didn’t want to risk anything. He cracked it open ever so slightly, looking into the dark room. He took a single step forward…

And that’s when everything changed for Bucky’s plan.

Natasha had put a trip wire down in front of the door. Bucky had knocked it, fumbling into the dark room. He felt someone jump onto his back. _‘Oh not this again!’_ He pushed her back into the wall, trying to aim his gun backward but to no avail. He had planned on using the knife against her, but he hadn’t counted on Clint not being in the room. It was both a blessing and a curse.

He pulled his knife out, twirling it in his hand as he angled it backward and stabbed into her right shoulder.

Natasha let out a pained shout. Bucky’s cover was blown. This was it. Everything he’d built to this point was over. He hadn’t counted on that one, single, tiny, insignificant, fucking, dumb, tripwire. He’d been sloppy as of late, but that was a new low for him. He should have known she’d be smarter than him. He did know she was smarter than him. The excitement about Steve had once again, fogged his mind up. Humans made mistakes. Bucky wasn’t supposed to be human and yet here he was, offering a roundhouse kick to Natasha in the dark as he tried to make up for his mistake.

He tossed his gun to his left hand, shooting a few times at the dark shadow that skirted around the room.

“You know, Barnes,” Natasha said as she brought up one of Hawkeye’s bows. “I wasn’t entirely sure I was right. There was a small hint of a doubt. For Steve. I trusted you for the benefit of Steve.”

“Shut up,” Barnes responded. He threw his knife, slicing the string of the bow. The string came to smack Natasha in the face.

The door opened. Clint and Sam were there as the light was flicked on. Sam’s mouth dropped wide.

“Shit!” Clint exclaimed. “Steve! Steve wake the fuck up!” he screamed.

Bucky felt like a trapped animal. His gaze frantically looked around the room. None of them were attacking but they were certainly circling him. Steve ran into the room, his face a mixture of confusion, panic and…heartbreak.

Bucky could feel his own heart shredding apart in his chest. “Steve…” he said through a strained voice. “I’ll explain one day.”

Steve winced in confusion. “Bucky…” his tone was laced with a warning.

Bucky shot his gun once more at Natasha’s knee as he jumped out the window, shattering it against his skin. He tumbled onto the roof before jumping down.

Steve was right behind him.

Cursing, Bucky took off, barefoot in sweats and a simple undershirt. He ran as fast as he could. He had his gun. He could incapacitate Steve but the idea chilled his core to below freezing. He looked over his shoulder again. Steve’s face was panicked and straining.

“Stop following me!” Bucky shouted.

“Stop running!” Steve countered. Bucky noticed he had his shield. _‘Fuck.’_

Bucky jumped a fence into someone’s backyard. He looked frantically around before jumping the adjacent fence. Steve barreled through them at full force, using his shield to protect his face.

Bucky groaned. “Steve!” he shouted. “Get away from me!”

“Explain to me what you’re doing!”

Bucky took off down the alleyway. He threw garbage cans back at Steve; allowing them to tumble or spill their contents into the alley. Nothing was slowing Steve down. He fired a single warning shot in Steve’s direction. “I mean it, Steve!”

Steve faltered for just a second before throwing his shield. Bucky turned around; grabbing it like he had done the night he shot Nick Fury. “You really think this is going to stop me?” Bucky exclaimed.

“It slowed you down…” Steve said. He threw one of Natasha’s EMP’s at Bucky’s arm. The shield dropped as the arm went heavy against Bucky’s shoulder. He slumped, cursing himself. Steve knew what he’d do. Steve had remembered. He had played Bucky and Bucky had fallen for the trap. Clever.

Bucky growled, panting heavily from running at full force for far too long. His lungs burned as the chilly air gushed into them.

“Why’re you doing this Buck?” Steve’s voice was hoarse from his panting, but Bucky could hear that heartbreak laced into those words. “After today…”

Bucky looked at the shield in Steve’s hands. If he could get rid of it for just a second… “It’s my mission.”

“What?”

Bucky started to back away.

Steve lurched forward, grabbing Bucky’s wrist tightly. “No! No! You don’t _get_ to do that! You don’t get to run away from me again!”

“Let go of me!” Bucky said. He kneed Steve in the gut. Steve was tossed back a few feet. It was all Bucky had needed to keep running. He heard the sound of a shield whizz behind him. He ducked, allowing the thing to tumble into some shrubs in front of a home. Bucky kept running.

“Bucky!” Steve called. “Bucky please!”

Bucky’s heart ached immensely. Even after seeing Bucky shot Natasha in the knee, even after proving to Steve that he wasn’t the good guy… Steve was still following him. He was still chasing after him and begging him to talk this out. Bucky’s eyes blurred as he kept running. Tears fell from his eyes quickly as the wind gushed at his face. Steve was too good for Bucky. Steve was too good for the Asset program. It was better if Bucky just…ended this.

He’d failed anyway. Natasha was alive. Steve had witnessed Bucky’s cover being blown. It was over. Bucky had failed HYDRA. All because of a fucking trip wire. He breathed erratically as he stared at his gun. He’d have to kill all of them right now if this mission was to succeed. Every Avenger. It was impossible. It would have been easier to come into Natasha’s room and stage a scene if that _fucking_ trip wire hadn’t been there.

Bucky was hit in the back by the shield. He spiraled down to the ground. Steve jumped on him, holding his hands above his head and straddling his legs down. “Stop it!” Steve barked. Bucky struggled against Steve violently. His metal arm chirped and whirled as it fought against Steve’s strength. He’d almost gotten up when Steve head butted him back down. “Bucky! I said stop it!”

Bucky stopped struggling. He’d failed. He didn’t know…what came next. His mind wanted to run to a safe house and wait to regroup and set out a new plan. Bucky wasn’t sure if it’d be possible to get to the Avengers again in the way he had, but there had to be some way to silently take them down. But Steve… Bucky didn’t want to take Steve down. He wanted to explain to him what Bucky was doing. He wanted Steve to join the Asset Program.

Steve was panting heavily. He sat back atop Bucky. “We’re in…the middle of…a fucking…residential neighborhood,” Steve gasped out. “And you think it’s…a good idea…to shoot at me?”

“It was a warning shot.”

“Oh I know,” Steve responded. “I know because… I’ve seen you shoot a target from impossible distances before.”

“Let me go, Steve,” Bucky warned.

“No! I’m not gonna give up on you.”

Bucky groaned. He tried to push up but Steve punched him. His head slammed into the concrete sidewalk. He was pretty sure people were looking out their windows at them. They didn’t have long before cops started showing up.

“I’m not…” Bucky panted. “I’m not who you think I am.”

“You’re still with HYDRA? Bucky, those people−”

“I’m not Bucky!” The words were like acid as they spewed from Bucky’s mouth. It was all gone now. Every illusion. Every glimmer of hope. Every moment that Bucky had spent with Steve… It was all gone, shattering away from them like stardust as it reached for the stars to float away and never return. Tears glossed over his eyes. “I’m not James Barnes.”

Steve let up a little. “We can’t stay here,” he said as he looked around. “You’re coming with me.”

“Steve…”

“Shut up!” Steve said; his face went red from anger. “You’re going to sit the _fuck_ down and explain to me every tiny _fucking_ detail of why you’ve done this.”

“Steve,” Bucky tried to protest, but Steve backhanded him. Bucky spit up blood. Steve yanked him up, pulling him by the wrist.

Bucky didn’t protest. He’d failed his mission. What was he going to do at this point? Go back to Rumlow and beg forgiveness? If he’d failed a mission of this magnitude and Pierce was alive…he’d certainly be punished. He was programmed with that heavy knowledge. They’d torture him if he ruined HYDRA’s plans. It was a comfort not knowing how many times he’d failed in his long line of work for HYDRA. He didn’t want to know what torture he’d experienced.

“I swear to _God_ , Bucky,” Steve growled. “If you don’t tell me the whole fucking story, I’ll…” His words faltered off.

Bucky’s lips parted as he thought back to Rumlow. _‘If he didn’t think you were his dead lover, he’d kill you.’_

“Kill me?” Bucky finished; feeling the color drain from his face. Bucky didn’t fear death. Bucky feared Steve being the one to end his life. It was poetic, most likely. Bucky had fallen so in love with this man. Steve killing him would be like poetic justice for all the lies and misfortune Bucky had caused him.

Steve stayed quiet as he led Bucky out of the neighborhood. “I’m not taking you back. They’ll _certainly_ kill you.”

“Why are you protecting me?”

Steve turned around, his eyes desperate and _drowning_ in anguish. “Because I refuse to believe you’re doing this for yourself! Because I _knew_ you!” Tears spilled from Steve’s eyes as he fought to hold them back. “Because I love you.”

“I’m not James Barnes.”

Steve scoffed. “You used to be. I see him still in you. I’m not giving up on that.”

“Steve,” Bucky drawled. He dragged his feet along as Steve pulled him forward again by the wrist of his metal arm. “I  never was.”

“Stop it,” Steve said. “Just fucking shut up till we get there.”

“Where’re we going?” Bucky asked, completely ignoring the request to shut up.

“A hotel.”

Bucky had failed everything. He’d failed HYDRA. He’d failed Pierce. He’d failed Rumlow. He’d failed…Steve.

He’d failed himself.

He should have never fallen in love with Steve Rogers. He should have never looked up those stupid articles about people speculating about Steve’s sexuality. He should have never cared so much. He should have never let his guard down. He should have never let Natasha get the upper hand.

But he did. He did all of that. Now he'd have to face those consequences. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's a thing. Tell me what you think? =) I love hearing from you!
> 
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!  
> If you want to be mutuals just let me know! I love surrounding myself with fellow Marvel fans!


	9. Plan A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is finally revealed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING WARNING! NSFW GIFS IN THE END NOTES!**  
>  Ahhhhhhh! One. More. Chapter! (after this one) Thank you, thank you, thank you for sticking with me through this journey! This was the second Stucky fic I ever wrote and I'm DAMN proud of it. I hope you've been enjoying it as much as I have been enjoying writing it <3 <3 <3 <3
> 
> Much love to [ithewhimsy](http://ithewhimsy.tumblr.com/) for being my temporary beta while mine's on vacation for this chapter and suggesting some awesome edits that made this chapter SO much better! <3 (go follow her on tumblr!!!!!)
> 
> Also, the sex scene (oh spoiler...oops) was not edited as it was added to the chapter after Lianne edited it, sooooo if there are typos, let me know and I'll fix them. I'm too exhausted to go back right now and edit. Actually, if there are typos anywhere, let me know, and I'll fix them. haha

Bucky sat on the bed. His gaze followed Steve as he paced like a hungry lion back and forth along the front of the motel room. Bucky assumed from its standard accommodations that it was an “every man’s” kind of motel. He was honestly surprised Steve would put him in this much comfort. Bucky would have figured he’d be meeting a cold gun to the mouth in the back of a van, or a hole with barely any light and a bucket of water…

He shivered at the idea. A harrowing tingle crawled up his spine and sunk into his eye sockets. The idea of drowning horrified him and he didn’t truly even know why.

Steve sighed loudly. It was curt and bitter; pointed. Bucky winced. Steve couldn’t bring himself to ask questions it seemed and Bucky couldn’t bring himself to begin speaking. Where would he even begin? He’d lied to this man. He’d stolen another man’s face, his lover, his life… Bucky was the worst kind of person; because he wasn’t really a person at all, yet he allowed the world to think he was.

He looked down at his fingers, tentatively opening and closing his hands; watching the metal shimmer and gleam as the light ran along the cool surface.

Steve huffed again. It sounded resolute and final. Bucky looked up; swallowing hard.

“Just…was this all a game?” Steve asked finally.

Bucky sucked his lips in. He didn’t know how to answer that. It had been. It was a game wrapped up in a mission and Bucky had been enjoying it. But somewhere along the line everything had changed. Bucky came to love Steve and the game had ended. Sincerity had overflowed Bucky’s ability to see reason and distance himself. But how did he explain that to Steve? How did he explain that he’d failed this mission so terribly because he’d become so distracted by the man before him?

“It was a mission,” he responded.

Steve groaned, slamming his hands down on the desk. “Damn it, Bucky!” he shouted. “Fucking explain it then!”

Bucky merely ran his tongue along the inside of his mouth. He didn’t know where to begin. He wanted to. He wanted to _so badly_. The anger that burned in Steve’s eyes… The rigid ways he now paced and snarled and stared. Steve was barely holding himself together and Bucky was the sole reason for his ire.

“I’m not James Barnes.”

Steve groaned again as he fell into the desk chair. “Bucky—” he responded in exasperation.

“No,” Bucky interrupted. “Let me explain.”

Steve inhaled deeply through his nose. He set his strained gaze upon Bucky’s face and clenched his jaw. But he remained silent. Bucky guessed that’s all he could ask for.

Bucky hated himself. He hated seeing Steve crumble like this. He hated watching the man he’d come to love more than anything lose grip on what little comfort in reality he had. Bucky would rid him of everything. He’d take Steve’s world and pull the rug from under it and watch as Steve fell into the never-ending blackness. And he’d do that right now.

“I never was Sergeant James Barnes. I was assigned a mission to _pretend_ I was. Pretend I kind of remembered you. Alexander Pierce wanted you evaluated.”

Steve didn’t move for a moment. Bucky’s gaze lightly flicked back and forth between those two, large blue eyes. The tiniest twitch in Steve’s brow shattered his statuette appearance.  He licked at his lips apprehensively. “What?”

“I’m not Bucky, Steve,” Bucky replied. “Bucky’s dead.”

Steve swallowed hard. Bucky watched his Adam’s apple dip deeply in his throat. Steve leaned forward, ducking his head between his knees and making a sound that was a mix between a whimper and someone being strangled. He rocked back and forth. “I don’t…You look− How?” he muffled as he remained doubled over.

Bucky shrugged. “I don’t know. Wasn’t my place to ask.” Bucky’s gaze trailed over to the curtains that were swaying lazily against the air conditioner as it gently blew against them.

Steve shot up in his seat, his face pale and clammy; pulling Bucky’s attention back to him. “B-but you know things! You’ve _done_ things that only Bucky would know! You’ve _said_ things!”

Bucky shrugged. “Pierce told me I was to pretend. I can only assume that means I was never Barnes,” Bucky responded flatly. It was so easy to explain this. Relief was bubbling in Bucky’s chest. After so long of lying and pretending to be something he wasn’t, he could finally show Steve what he really was. If that meant death, then so be it. Bucky would face Steve’s wrath head-on. He had nothing left to live for. Pierce was dead. Rumlow could find someone else to replace Bucky. He was expendable. It’s why he was always sent out, right? Because he was the one they could risk losing. He had no worth. He wasn’t even human.

“Why did he send you?” Steve asked tightly. He leaned back; crossing his arms over his chest. Bucky saw the muscles trembling beneath skin. Steve was unraveling and Bucky couldn’t do a _damn_ thing to prevent it.

“To observe and report back,” Bucky answered neutrally.

“And what were you observing?”

“You,” Bucky shrugged.

Steve sighed in annoyance. “You need to be more specific. You _owe_ me this after the shit you’ve pulled.” Steve’s eyes glossed over as tears formed in his eyes. “I stood up for you. I _trusted_ you. I…” His voice cracked. “I _forgave_ you.”

Bucky slumped forward, hanging his head. “I know.”

“You killed my best girl. You tried to kill one of my _best_ friends. I should be handing you over to the authorities!” His voice was getting louder. Steve was getting angrier. Sadness, then anger. What next? Hatred? Murderous revenge? Bucky didn’t mind. He just wanted it over with.

Bucky’s brow flicked once. “Why don’t you just kill me?”

“…Because that’s not how I operate,” Steve responded coldly. “I’m not HYDRA. Now explain the _fucking_ mission Pierce sent you on.”

Bucky looked up, watching the tears silently fall from Steve’s face. He wanted to reach up and catch them. Things were getting harder to explain now. Seeing the betrayal lace into Steve’s face. Seeing how he was no longer open and willing to accept Bucky… Rumlow was right. Steve would never trust him if he knew he wasn’t really Bucky. He did now. He should be killing Bucky. He shouldn’t be sitting there and listening to him. What did it matter at this point? The mission had failed.

Bucky took a deep breath, resigning himself to the sole purpose he had left. Steve. If Steve wanted to kill him, if Steve wanted to turn him into the authorities; fine. Bucky would do whatever Steve wanted. He owed him that. “I was to observe if you were a threat or if you could be an asset.”

“An asset?”

“Like me,” Bucky clarified. “An Asset like me.”

Steve’s brow creased as his nose twitched momentarily, almost like he was about to snarl. “And what does that entail, exactly?”

Bucky rolled his neck; listening to his back crack softly. “Memory wipes. Cryo preservation. HYDRA would remove who you are and give you a true purpose−”

“I _have_ a true purpose,” Steve spoke up pointedly. “I’m an Avenger. I _help_ people!”

“HYDRA could create a world where the Avengers aren’t needed. We could have real peace−”

“Stop!” Steve said angrily. He stood up, backing into the desk behind him and shaking his head bitterly. “Don’t you talk to me like that. Don’t you use _his_ face and _his_ voice and speak of what _good_ HYDRA does. Not after what they did to _him_!”

Bucky blinked. He’d been confused, till the gears in his mind started to press on and he’d finally realized what Steve was talking about. James Barnes. “What’d they _really_ do to him?” Bucky asked, cocking his head to the side. “I know he was captured. The museum didn’t really provide much else other than he fell from a train and died. Pierce told me you thought HYDRA experimented on him, cause you saw me.”

Steve allowed a derisive laugh to pass his lips. He clicked his tongue, clearly in a battle whether to indulge in this information or not with the man who was wearing his lover’s face. “They tell you anything about him?”

“The file was more focused on you. I had the amnesia card I could play.”

“Jesus,” Steve spat. He turned away, biting his lip. “You’re really not him?” Steve’s voice was raw and broken. Bucky had never heard someone sound so _defeated_. He watched Steve lick the side of his red lips insecurely.

Bucky’s lips parted as his face rounded. He felt his heart slamming against his chest, pulling at its own strings as it _shrieked_ at Bucky to _finally_ let go and just give in. If he wasn’t Bucky…maybe he could _become_ Bucky. “I don’t…know. I deleted the Winter Soldier file off the HYDRA computers after I’d knocked all of you out…so…”

“So that really was you?” Steve asked. “You staged that whole thing?” His voice was surprisingly calm.

Bucky nodded tightly. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’d now give anything to go back and _see_ who I was. That file had everything.”

“Was it the only one?”

Bucky shrugged. “Dunno. I think so.”

Steve sighed heavily through his nose. “So you really don’t know for a fact if you are or aren’t Bucky?”

“I guess not,” Bucky replied. “I just believed Pierce would tell me the truth.”

“You think a guy who lied to S.H.I.E.L.D, the US government and his _friends_ …would tell you the truth?”

Bucky felt his muscles tense. He wanted to defend Pierce. Pierce was a _good_ man. He wanted something better for the world. He wanted the wars to stop and the killing to end. How was that evil? How was a man like that evil? “Why would he have to lie?”

“Because if you knew I’d been your _best_ friend, would you have taken your mission?”

“Yes,” Bucky stated automatically. “I’d do anything for HYDRA.”

Steve stood up. His face went white with horror. He stomped over to the bathroom’s entryway. “I need a minute. If you go anywhere…I’ll find you. You won’t like how I’d have to drag you back.” Steve’s back was toward Bucky, but Bucky could see how _red_ Steve’s ears were getting.

“Are you gonna kill me?” Bucky asked. His stomach churned as he spoke the words, causing his voice to waiver. “If I leave?”

Steve turned back, suppressing a snarl. “No,” he spat. “Something else.”

Bucky furrowed his brow as he wracked his brain for what else there was. “Torture me?”

Steve’s face fell. All the anger was leaving his body hurriedly. “B-Bucky,” he whined. “Do you really think I’d do that to you?” Steve’s shoulders relaxed as acute desperation and defeat washed over them.

Bucky shrugged. “I’m not your Bucky. I don’t know what you’d do to me now.”

Steve swallowed thickly. “You _could_ be my Bucky. I don’t know. I just need… I need to get away from you for a minute.”

Bucky crawled up the bed, lying on his side and pulling his knees up into his chests. “I’ll be here.”

“I swear, Bucky, if you leave…”

“I owe this to you. I’m not leaving.”

Steve’s eyes rounded in shock. He looked like he wanted to say something. His feet lingered momentarily, seemingly glued to the floor so that he could continue to look at Bucky, but eventually he turned around and walked out of the hotel room and into the warm D.C. air.

Bucky turned over, looking away from the door and staring at the loud air conditioner. He didn’t know what he’d expected from all this. Truth be told, he didn’t think he’d ever have to face it. That fucking trip wire… He could have kept lying. It would eat at his soul every day till there was nothing left but pathetic scraps but he could have kept lying. He’d give anything to Steve if it meant seeing that man happy. Now Bucky had only tortured him with the cold, harsh reality of the mission. He’d deprived Steve of happiness. He’d consumed him with uncertainty, defeat and anger.

It would be so much better if Steve didn’t remember. It’d be so much better if he’d…face a memory wipe. Bucky’s eyes widened. The mission wasn’t over. Its parameters had just changed. Steve knew the truth, but that didn’t need to stop Bucky from continuing what he’d set out to do. Evaluate. Decide.

He’d approach Steve about The Asset Program. He’d approach him head on about it…after he told him everything. He’d give Steve a choice. To remember this pain, or to forget it.

* * *

 

“Anyone hear from our star-spangled wonder boy yet?” Tony asked as he sat with several laptops around his person on the sofa in the living room.

Clint shook his head as he hovered over Natasha, helping her sit next to Tony.

“Clint…I’m fine,” Natasha said as she swatted his hands away. “You act like I’ve never been stabbed and shot at before.” She flashed a sarcastic smile. She’d been through worse. She’d go through worse. Though deep down, she was glad to have Clint at her side. She’d never let their relationship really bleed out into the realm of the Avengers, but she was pretty sure everyone knew about them; about how much they meant to each other.

Clint sighed heavily, sitting across from Nat on the ottoman. “When Cap finds Bucky…I swear to God…”

“Steve’s already with Bucky,” Sam stated surely. Natasha looked up, cocking a brow. How could he be so sure? Had he been in contact with Steve already? Sam had hit it off instantly with Steve. As fate would have it, their relationship was pretty solidified as Sam assisted in the take down of both S.H.I.E.L.D and HYDRA. Nat didn’t trust many people, but she trusted Sam. Well, she trusted him enough to know he had her back in a gunfight.

“I just asked if anyone had heard from him and no one had answered me,” Tony said as he continued typing away on one of the laptops. “Man, nobody likes me!”

“What are you doing anyway?” Clint asked Tony; clearly ignoring his fake self-lamenting.

“Energy grid stalking. I’m looking for our stolen tech that got stolen back from us,” he stated happily.

“I haven’t talked to Steve, I just know,” Sam answered evenly in his warm, pleasant voice. “Steve would do anything for Bucky. He’s compromised.”

“So we need to go after them?” Maria asked. She was holding a phone to her ear. Natasha wasn’t sure who was on the line though.

Sam was right. Steve _was_ compromised by Bucky. Bucky had been able to slip right in. He could have killed any of them at any given time and the Avengers would have been helpless…because they’d bought the lie too. They’d bought that Bucky was remembering who he used to be. They took that bitter pill and swallowed it down gladly for Steve. Luckily, Natasha kept her pill of trust tucked under her tongue… Something had always been off about Bucky. He was too _innocent_. Too… _blank_. There was no personality there. It was like he didn’t even know how to _be_ a person. He just knew he had to be with Steve.

Like Steve was a mission. Which, he was… Or so Natasha thought.

“Going after Steve is just gonna piss him off,” Sam answered.

“I think Steve deserves to be pissed off,” Clint huffed. “Bucky could have _killed_ Nat. Or are we just ignoring that?”

Natasha put her good leg over Clint, pushing her big toe into his stomach. It was a gentle, “calm down boy,” gesture. Clint sighed heavily, but he shut up. Natasha’s plush lips upturned slightly in approval.

“No one’s ignoring anything,” Tony said. “Luckily, our Black Widow’s better than Bucky and we’re all in one piece.”

“So…are we or are we not going after Steve?” Maria asked. “I’ve got Sharon on the line. She needs to know if we have to involve the CIA. If Steve’s gone rogue, they’ve got orders to follow.”

“They’ve got protocol for Steve going rogue?” Sam asked incredulously. His brows flew up his forehead as his mouth dropped open.

“He’s a supersoldier created by the US government. What do you think?” Maria responded.

“Steve’s not rogue,” Natasha said as she rested her head back against the couch. “He’s trying to bring Bucky back from HYDRA. When you’re best friend’s the victim of brainwashing, it’s kind of hard to just give up without _really_ trying to do something first.” Her gaze darted to Clint’s face. She saw how his eyes glazed over with adoration; noticed the soft twitch of his lips into a smile. “But we should go after them. I don’t trust Bucky not to kill Steve.”

“You think he’d do that?” Banner asked as he walked into the room. He was carrying a dishrag. He must’ve been cleaning the dishes. Natasha smiled. Banner always had to be doing _something_ to keep his mind occupied.

“If Steve’s his mission, I don’t put anything past him,” Natasha answered with a shrug of her uninjured shoulder. “He’s been playing us like a damn fiddle.”

“But what’s his mission?” Tony asked; looking up from the laptops. “If it was to kill Steve, he’d have done it by now. They shared the same room. Hell, they were dating. If you’re sent to kill someone, you take a knife and drill it into their back while you’re shoving your tongue down his throat. Bucky’s mission wasn’t Steve.”

“Was it Natasha?” Sam asked as he crossed his arms over his chest. His eyes darkened as he furrowed his brow.

“Maybe,” Tony answered. “But he could have killed her the day HYDRA came and stole the tech back. He knocked us all out. He could have killed every one of us.”

“Do we know for a fact that Bucky was responsible for that?” Banner asked.

“Found the darts hidden in his and Steve’s closet. Found a tablet too,” Clint said. “He did it.”

Banner swallowed thickly. Natasha watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat.

“So what do we do then?” Maria asked. She sounded fed up. Natasha didn’t blame her. This whole thing was a mess. If there was one person who could bring Steve out of his cloistered self-inflicted punishment, it was Bucky Barnes. She’d seen the adoration and love _pour_ out of Steve every time he looked Bucky’s way. She saw how he’d smile just the tiniest bit when he’d take Bucky’s hand. That wasn’t a love you just gave up on. You fight and died for it. Over the course of Steve’s highly irregular life, he’d attempted to sacrifice his life for Bucky more than anyone else. Steve went into Nazi occupied territory to save Bucky. Steve had put himself into the ice after Bucky’s “death.” Steve had been willing to die on the helicarrier for Bucky. These were only the ones that Natasha _knew_ about.

“Bucky was searching for information. That’s why he got close. We need to get Bucky away from Steve. As soon as possible,” Natasha answered. Her tone was pleasant; simple. It was a jarring contrast to the severity of the situation.

Maria nodded, turning away from the group and speaking privately with Sharon on the phone.

“Getting Bucky away from Steve isn’t code for killing him right?” Sam asked. “Because that shit’s not gonna fly. I’m not doing that to Steve.”

Natasha felt Clint stiffen. She poked her good foot into his tummy again. Another warning jab. “No, we’re not killing Barnes. We’ll give him to the CIA. They can decide what to do with him,” Natasha replied.

Tony slammed one of his laptops shut. “Sounds like a plan. I only need one laptop to figure out where our darling boys are.”

* * *

 

Steve had returned a few hours later with burgers and cokes. He used his hip to slam the door shut. He winced as he heard the loud slam of the door. He hoped he hadn’t woken Bucky… _‘He’s not Bucky…’_

Walking into the room, Steve’s gaze found the other man still on the bed, lying on his side. He hadn’t moved a muscle. Was he even human? He looked _so much_ like Bucky. Was he really not Bucky? What had they done to make him the spitting image of Steve’s lost lover? Was there a robot hiding under that skin? Steve almost wanted to find out. Except…not really. This was all Steve had left of Bucky. It was broken and imperfect, but it was the closest thing he had to Bucky again. Steve just…needed to make everything right again. That started with this man whether he was the real Bucky or not.

“Hungry?” Steve asked as he showed one of the burgers to Bucky. He sat on the desk chair, swiveling it from side to side as he opened up his first burger. He could usually eat about four in one sitting before feeling like he was going to go into cardiac arrest.

Bucky slunk up into a sitting position; crossing his legs. He leaned forward, nodding slightly as he outstretched a hand for a burger.

Steve tossed one over. It was so surreal. He was _feeding_ the man who wore Bucky’s face. He was making sure he was kept comfortable in a motel room that Steve could barely afford. He was protecting him from the Avengers that were no doubt hot on the trail. They’d find them eventually. Bucky was only safe for so long till Natasha’d get here. And when she did… Steve wasn’t so sure he could hold her back.

“So,” Steve said around a bite of burger. “Why’d you kill Peggy?” He hadn’t meant for this to be dinner conversation but it had been plaguing Steve’s mind till it was ravaged and beaten from the thought. “She’d done nothing to you.” He felt his stomach twist. He shouldn’t be asking this over eating… But he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Bucky picked at his burger; removing the tomato, lettuce and onion. _‘Bucky’d do the same thing…’_

“I felt…” Bucky began. He put the burger back into its wrapping against his lap. “I don’t know. Something about her made me…angry.”

“Why?” Steve pressed.

Bucky’s gaze looked up at Steve. There was so much animalistic fear behind those eyes. It tingled Steve’s spine. “I didn’t wanna lose you,” Bucky explained.

Steve’s brow creased. “How were you gonna lose me?”

Bucky whined deep in the back of his throat. He stood up pacing up and down the side of the bed. “I don’t know! I don’t know anything! Look, all I wanna do is come clean to you! I didn’t—” Bucky slammed his mouth shut. He dropped back into the bed in a defeated sign. “I didn’t expect this.”

“Expect what?” Steve asked simply. He’d abandoned his burger, giving Bucky his full attention. _‘Do I even call him Bucky?’_

“I’m in love with you,” Bucky said meekly. “I’m so fucking in love with you that I…I fucked up everything. I failed my mission. I let HYDRA down…again. I even let you down.” His gaze was downcast as he shook one of his legs nervously. “I don’t know if I’m really Barnes. But I wanna be. I wanna be _so_ badly.”

Steve felt his heartbeat quicken. He had to run his tongue along the roof of his mouth to keep it from going dry. He swallowed thickly.

“I know you hate HYDRA,” Bucky continued. “But HYDRA gave you to me. And I’ll always be grateful for that. You made me feel…alive.”

He looked up. Their gazes locked as palpable tension curled its way into the room. Steve felt his breathing getting heavier.

“I knew I couldn’t kill you. Even if that order was given, I knew I couldn’t do it… I was…so happy when you talked about us runnin’ away together. I’d give my life for HYDRA and I thought I was willing to give HYDRA away for you.”

Steve’s heart squirmed each time he spoke of HYDRA as if it was something he cared so much about. It was a cold reality where HYDRA was revered so highly. _Bucky_ revered them that highly. It left a foul taste in Steve’s mouth but he wasn’t going to fixate on that. This Bucky…whoever he was…man, machine, actual Bucky Barnes or not… he was pouring his heart out. This wasn’t a game. This wasn’t one of the lies. This was real. Steve could see it in the way the man’s Adam’s apple trembled. The way he shook his leg. Truth was bleeding out from this man and Steve… Steve just sat there dumbly and speechless. Where’d you go from here? Could you even pick up the pieces that had been smashed practically to dust? Could you bounce back from this? Had this even been approached in the entirety of human existence?

“Bucky…”

Bucky’s brow flicked. “You still wanna call me that? I might not even be him.”

“But what if you are?” Steve asked as he cocked his head to the side. “What if Pierce lied to you and you really _are_ James Barnes. What then?”

Bucky’s eyes rounded. Steve watched him look down at his hands; flexing them gingerly. “If I’m…really Barnes…” he said; testing the words out in his mouth. “Then I’d wanna be with you for the rest of my life.”

“So…I guess we just have to find out,” Steve said as if it wasn’t going to be a difficult test. “Dental records. Blood testing. Something. Something’s gotta tell us who you really are.”

Bucky shrugged a solo shoulder. “And what if I’m not Barnes. What’ll you do?”

Steve rolled his lips in. He looked down to the floor. “I’ll let you choose.” He met Bucky’s gaze head on. “You can stay with me, and leave HYDRA, or you can go back to them.”

“W-what?” Bucky stammered. “Why?”

“Because…” Steve ran his tongue along his top lip. “Because I’m pretty sure you are Bucky. I’d know those freckles on your back anywhere. No one can get that accurate; plastic surgery or not. You’ve shown me too many times that you _are_ Bucky. I think you’ve just been so fixed on _not_ being him, that you forgot how to _be_ him.”

Bucky’s eyes were as round as saucers. His bottom lip trembled as tears welled at the corners of his eyes. “Why can’t you just accept it?” he asked weakly; his voice quivering. “I’m not him, Steve. I’ll never be him.”

Steve inhaled a long, drawn out breath into his nose. He wanted to snap back. He wanted to counter the defenses Bucky had put up. But he didn’t. This wasn’t how this got solved. Bucky didn’t believe he was Bucky. No one was going to remember who they were when they were actively forcing themselves to forget. Bucky couldn’t remember because he wouldn’t _let_ himself. And all for HYDRA… How could he not see what they’d done to him? How could he still be loyal to that after everything? They’d _brainwashed_ him and there was too much proof! Yet, Bucky refused to see it. He ignored it. “We’ll see.”

Steve pulled out his phone. He didn’t want this conversation to keep going. It’d only go in circles anyway. He dialed Sharon’s number; putting the phone to his ear to wait.

 _“Steve?! Where are you?”_ she asked in shock. _“Maria called me.”_

“I’m fine. I need you to do some digging for me. Anything on DNA of Sergeant James Barnes. Dental records. Blood tests. Anything.”

 _“Steve…”_ Sharon responded apprehensively. _“Bucky’s dangerous.”_

“Just get me some damn DNA results. S.H.I.E.L.D had to have had something. The S.S.R. Anything.” There was a long pause. “My phone’s in stealth mode, courtesy of Mr. Stark, so don’t try tracing me.”

_“Fine. But I swear Steve…if something happens…”_

“I’m handling it,” Steve responded in absolution. “Just get me some results.” Steve hung up the phone.

He grabbed at his burger; shoving a mouthful into his mouth. He breathed loudly through his nose as he chewed. Something wasn’t adding up. Something about Bucky’s dedicated resolve to _stay_ wasn’t adding up. Was it really love? Steve’s heart clenched at the thought. Bucky had loved him long before the fall and Steve had assumed he’d love him after (once he found out he was alive). But this man… He’d been programmed to _not_ believe he was Bucky. He’d been programmed to have all his life—his entire identity be removed from him. But he’d openly admitted he was in love with Steve.

“Bucky,” Steve began. “What made you fall in love with me?”

Bucky had been sitting silently; nibbling at his burger on occasion. Now he was like a cornered puppy; big eyes and an open, shy mouth. He glazed his shiny, pink tongue along the corners of his mouth as his eyes practically read off that he was trying to think of a single way to say a thousand things.

“You’re beautiful,” Bucky answered simply. But he didn’t stop there. He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face as if he was battling himself inside. “You asked me how I was feeling. If I was okay. What I wanted to eat. You gave me…an identity.”

Steve remained silent. He pressed his teeth together; feeling his muscles in his jaw clench.

“HYDRA gave me purpose. You gave me a reason.”

“So where does that leave you now?” Steve asked as he opened up another burger. It was strange. They were conversing so casually over a subject so deep all the while eating hamburgers. Steve would have laughed, except it wasn’t funny. It was deadly serious and at any moment he was expecting some kind of betrayal. He was expected Bucky to finally grow tired of the game and try to finish his mission. Steve had to be on guard. He couldn’t let this broken demeanor shatter his defenses. He knew better.

“I’m still trying to figure that out. I was so sure you’d kill me.”

Steve dropped his burger, suddenly no longer hungry. “Bucky!” he shouted out. He winced as he saw Bucky’s body recoil slightly from the abrupt sound. “N-no. That’s not how this works. Bucky or not…HYDRA’s hurt you. They’ve brainwashed you into believing they’re something good. Bucky, they’re not good.”

“Stop,” Bucky said threateningly. “Don’t talk about them like that.”

“How can you believe what they’ve done to you is good?” Steve pressed on.

“You’ve never given them a chance!” Bucky shouted.

“And you don’t remember the Red Skull!” Steve shouted; matching Bucky’s tone as he stood up, towering over Bucky. “He was murdering people! Using Allied soldiers as pack mules and lab rats! He didn’t want peace! He wanted power!”

“He founded HYDRA but that’s not where they stand anymore!” Bucky defended. He stood up. His shoulders leveled out and he met Steve’s height, just barely looking up into Steve’s narrowed eyes. “Pierce had a _beautiful_ vision and you destroyed it!”

Steve’s mouth dropped open in shock. “I destroyed it? Maybe he destroyed it when he decided killing people _for no reason_ was a great idea!”

“They’re not innocent, Rogers!”

“I was on that list, Bucky!” Steve took a step forward. He pressed their chests together as he grabbed Bucky’s wrists, giving a firm yank to drive the point home. “I was on that list. Am I a bad person?”

Bucky’s shoulders flinched. “Y-you’re a threat. That’s why this mission was so important,” Bucky said softly. “If you’d join HYDRA…you wouldn’t be on that list anymore. You’re not a bad person.”

“But those helicarriers were going up into the air and they were going to shoot. You wouldn’t have had a chance to report back about me.”

“You were inside the helicarrier,” Bucky said. “Their programming wouldn’t allow them to fire on each other, not without the override codes you put in. You being there would have saved you. It would have given me time.”

“What if I hadn’t been in there? What then, Bucky?”

“Stop calling me “Bucky,” Bucky said as he looked off to the side. “I can’t take it.”

Steve felt like his bones were breaking. Every twitch of muscle, every breath of air…it felt like his whole body was coming down on him. “You don’t have to be James Barnes to be “Bucky.”

“I killed your girl,” Bucky continued. “I would have killed Natasha and everyone else in that house—”

“But you messed up, Bucky,” Steve finished. “The Winter Soldier doesn’t mess up.”

“But I did,” Bucky cried softly. “I messed up.”

“Why’d you mess up, Bucky?” Steve was going to make a point of calling him “Bucky” each and every time he could.

Bucky tried to pull his wrists away but Steve only gripped harder. He heard the metal arm start to spur to life as the plates rose and fell in an agitated wave. “I was distracted.”

“What distracted you, Bucky?” Steve asked, moving his face a bit closer to Bucky’s. His gaze fell to that open, panting mouth.

“Stop it,” Bucky growled. “Stop doing this to me.”

“What am I doing, Bucky?” Steve’s nose was barely touching Bucky’s.

Bucky let another louder growl rip from his throat. He yanked his arms powerfully out of Steve’s grasp. He took a few steps back, colliding with the wall as he pressed up against it. “Stop calling me his name!”

“It’s _your_ name!” Steve shot back. He wondered if someone would report how loud they were being to the front desk.

“No it’s not!” Bucky shouted as tears started to fall from his eyes. He slumped down the wall, falling into a heap of limbs as he cried agonizingly. “I w-wanna be with y-you so bad,” he hiccupped. “I hate you. I hate you so much for what you’ve d-done to me! I was _fine_ till you!”

Steve didn’t dare get closer. He dipped his chin, taking in a long breath. He kept silent. Bucky needed to get this out. Steve needed him to hear his own words. He needed Bucky to realize the pain he’d been in with HYDRA.

“I’m not Bucky. No matter how badly I wanna be him. I’m not.” Fat tears rolled down Bucky’s face as he continued to sob heavily. His shoulders shook violently as he gasped and choked down air after every whimper. “Don’t take my reason for existing away from me. I n-need HYDRA. I need th-them!”

Steve hadn’t thought of it before, but now it was plain as day as Bucky continued to string sentences of loyalty and reasons for living together. Bucky was _programmed_ to be loyal to HYDRA. A computer couldn’t defy its programming. A bug couldn’t change its instinct. Bucky would _never_ see HYDRA for anything other than what he’d been programmed to see. He could question it. He could alter his views within that parameter, but he could never _override_ it. This Bucky… This Asset…

He belonged to HYDRA.

Steve swallowed heavily, listening as Bucky’s sobs began to dissipate. He turned away, feeling a cold hand press against his stomach. It dragged its clawed fingers up his sternum before pushing into his heart. Steve couldn’t reprogram Bucky, not without HYDRA. He closed his eyes, listening to his erratic heart as it _screamed_ at him to not think this any further. If Steve was going to save Bucky, he needed HYDRA. He needed backup…

“What was your mission, Bucky?” Steve asked softly; distantly.

Bucky sniffed; wiping his nose as he looked up at Steve. His face was so young suddenly. He was so raw. Steve winced. He couldn’t withstand seeing that much pain any longer than he had to. He didn’t have the strength to withstand what HYDRA had done to his best friend.

And he _knew_ this was his best friend. Bucky had known words that only the real Bucky would know. He’d shown behaviors and quirks that only the real Bucky would do. He. Was. Bucky.

HYDRA just removed his ability to _believe_ it.

“Observe and report,” Bucky replied.

“Report what, Bucky?” Steve asked. At least Bucky was finally giving up about fighting over his name. Good. That was a huge step in the right direction for Steve.

“If you could be used as an Asset.”

“And can I?”

Bucky hesitated. His gaze searched the room wildly before resting back on Steve’s face. He licked at his lips; coating them with shining saliva. “Y-yes. You’d be invaluable.”

“I’ll do it.”

Bucky’s mouth dropped open. At first, Steve wasn’t sure what had happened. Bucky’s whole body froze as if he’d simply…stopped functioning. His eyes had dulled and something inside…shifted. Bucky blinked and life sprang back into him vibrantly. His lips curled into a soft, relieved smile. His eyes shimmered with more life than Steve had seen since they’d been reunited. And they had been reunited. This was Bucky. This was truly Bucky. Steve knew. No one could recreate his friend _this accurately_.

“Y-you’d join HYDRA?” Bucky questioned uncertainly. “Really?”

Steve nodded tightly. “Tomorrow; you’ll contact HYDRA and tell them you completed part of your mission.”

“But the Avengers,” Bucky said. “I’m supposed to take out Natasha.”

“Let me handle it,” Steve said. He’d need an excuse to go see them anyway. He had to explain this. This would _end_ this. Steve was more than _sick_ of HYDRA.

“Steve,” Bucky whined out. His tone was desperate, but there was so much _relief_ behind it. Steve stepped back, hardening himself from the palpable guilt that weighed at his heart. Bucky was…happy. This made him happy…

It disgusted Steve. He had to stifle the shiver that wanted to run down his neck and into his spine. He had to refrain from wincing. He just offered the warmest smile he could muster. He felt vile. Now he was the one lying. But he was trying to _fix_ this. Bucky needed this. It was the only way to move beyond this.

Bucky stood up, walking over to Steve and wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck. Steve felt his body go rigid as metal gazed against his neck. “M’so happy,” Bucky said as he held Steve close. “Everything’s gonna be so much better now.”

Steve swallowed. He cautiously wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist. He felt Bucky relax into the hug as he rested his head against Steve’s shoulder.

“You’d really do this? For me?” Bucky inquired. Steve felt tears seep into his undershirt. They cooled against his skin. Goosebumps sprung up against Steve’s body as he shivered from the contact.

“I’d do anything for you,” he responded distantly. He stared at the wall behind Bucky. Just a moment ago, Bucky was a mess against that wall, crying hysterically as his coding _forced_ him to the brink of panic. Now he was relieved. Happy tears were spilling from his eyes. Steve hated HYDRA. Unfortunately, the word “hate” didn’t really meet the way Steve felt. It wasn’t just distaste. It was deep, putrid _disdain_ that had woven into every cell of his body. It was vehement disgust and utter rage that flowed through his veins when he thought of HYDRA. He didn’t simply hate them. There wasn’t a word for what HYDRA made him feel. Hate was simply the closet and even then it was miles off.

Bucky’s body went tense as he pulled back. He bit the side of his lip as he averted his gaze. Steve cocked a single brow in response. “Y- Is this okay?” Bucky asked. “I mean…can we?”

Steve felt his veins run cold as he took a step forward, brushing the back of his knuckles against Bucky’s cheek. _‘You are James Buchanan Barnes. I will prove it to you.’_

“Can we what, Bucky?” Steve asked, still making sure he’d address Bucky _by name_. He wasn’t an _asset_. He was a human being and he was _clearly_ suffering. Steve couldn’t believe anyone could look at Bucky and think of him as a _thing_. How could they look into his big, blue eyes and not see the soul that cried out behind them? How could they look at those soft lips and not want to hear them speak? What monster could exist that could look at Bucky and _not_ see a man.

“Are we together?” Bucky asked softly. A light blush crept up into his cheeks as he swayed his weight from one foot to the other. Steve hated to see the soft signs of excitement in Bucky. Bucky was happy that Steve would give up his identity. He was happy that Steve would join HYDRA, because Bucky knew nothing but HYDRA. Hydra…and Steve. Bucky couldn’t function without both. It was clear as day now. Bucky would give his life for two things: Steve…and HYDRA.

“Yes, Bucky,” Steve said as he tried to offer a compassionate smile. “We’re together.”

Bucky rolled onto his tiptoes to push his lips against Steve’s. The kiss was salty as tears slipped from his eyes silently. He reached his tongue out hesitantly. Steve felt it graze against the tip of his. He pushed his tongue against Bucky’s; a silent confirmation that it was okay.

Bucky fisted into Steve’s shirt as he turned his head; his kisses getting more frantic now. He pushed Steve back against the bed, whimpering into Steve’s mouth as his tongue lapped at Steve’s lips. “I can’t wait to tell Rumlow about this,” Bucky said as he kissed down Steve’s jaw. He shoved Steve down onto the bed; straddling the man.

Steve’s stomach flipped. Any form of erection that was forming was gone in a flash. He could practically feel his balls trying to jump up into his body. “About us sleeping together?” Steve asked. He tried to make it a joke. He tried to pretend it was a joke. He knew better. Bucky wasn’t talking about _this_. He was talking about Steve’s supposed agreement. His very own lie to carry out a long list of lies.

Bucky giggled, nipping at Steve’s nose. “No,” he husked out. He rolled his hips once; forcing Steve’s eyelids to flutter. “About you being an Asset.” He stopped moving. He sat into Steve’s lap, no longer supporting himself with his legs as he hooked his ankles behind Steve’s back. “I swear, Stevie, it’ll be better. HYDRA’s gonna make the world so much better.”

Steve felt his very soul going stiff. He nodded tightly. “Less talk. More kissing?” Steve grabbed the back of Bucky’s head, pulling him closer so he could nip and kiss down Bucky’s neck.

“I’m just so happy you’re really doing this!” Bucky continued, completely ignoring Steve’s silent plea at dropping the conversation. It made Steve feel sick enough to have to pretend. The actual idea of _purposefully_ willing your life away to HYDRA was… Indescribable. It sent the strangest pressure against his shoulders as he fought to keep them from collapsing onto the bed. His stomach was already in knots, but now his lungs were even attempting to clamp in on him.

“Bucky,” Steve whined. “No more talking.” He tried to claim Bucky’s mouth but the other man turned his head.

“I wonder if they’ll let me hold your hand,” he mused. “It hurts so damn bad. I don’t…really remember why it hurts, I just…know it hurts.”

Steve felt tears prick at his eyes. “Bucky, please,” he begged again. “Let’s not talk about it.” Steve lay down, pulling Bucky along with him. Bucky moved his legs out from behind Steve. He sat atop Steve’s lap, circling his hips suggestively as he glazed his erection over Steve’s once-more forming one. Despite how wrong the conversation was, Steve couldn’t deny how _good_ Bucky made him feel.

“But don’t you wanna know? Aren’t you curious?” Bucky asked. He licked at Steve’s neck shyly before nipping a bit too hard to be considered pleasurable. Steve hissed as he pulled Bucky’s face up to his; clasping his lips over Bucky’s.

Steve gave himself into the kiss, trying to shove the conversation away but Bucky pulled back, looking down expectantly at Steve. “No, I’m not curious. I’d rather not talk about it,” Steve said firmly. “Let’s just…stop talking.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” Bucky ran his fingers up and down Steve’s chest. “I’m just so happy.”

“I know you are,” Steve resigned. “You didn’t upset me, Bucky.” He reached up, pulling Bucky’s undershirt off. Bucky swayed his hips absent-mindedly to help Steve pull the shirt over his head.

Steve’s cock was pressed up against the seam of his sweats now. He just wanted to blank out. He wanted to lose himself in Bucky’s delicious, powerful body.

“Are you scared?” Bucky whispered into Steve’s ear before sucking at the lobe.

Bucky was trying to be supportive. Steve understood. The idea of willingly becoming an Asset… Had it even happened before? Steve _knew_ Bucky was no volunteer. He had to fall from a train before HYDRA could get their hands on him. “I don’t know,” Steve sighed. “I don’t wanna think about this right now, Bucky.” Steve ran his fingers up Bucky’s abs; tracing the definition with awe. Bucky’s body had never been so powerful back in the war. It was still beautiful. But _this_ body… Steve would kiss at those abs for hours if Bucky would truly let him.

“Why not?”

Steve rocked his hips up into Bucky’s; shivering slightly as their cocks grazed each other through the fabric. “Kinda just wanna have sex with you, Buck,” Steve answered bluntly. I don’t wanna think about them wiping my memories. I don’t wanna think about forgetting you.”

Bucky nodded. He gasped lightly as he continued to roll his hips into Steve. He pulled at Steve’s shirt. Steve lifted up slightly so Bucky could toss the shirt to the floor. “Maybe they’ll let me be your handler. That way you’d be programmed to know me. I could teach you to love me.” Bucky bent down, pressing his slick lips over a nipple. He flicked his tongue out over the flesh; seemingly testing it out.

Steve arched into Bucky’s mouth. He gasped as the pleasure blossomed in his chest, flowing all the way down to his groin. “And when they wipe you? Won’t you forget about me?” Steve asked as he ran his fingers though Bucky’s hair. This conversation… He felt his nerves shiver in his body. He looked down at his skin and saw nothing but smooth, calm muscles and peach flesh but he felt like he was vibrating and it wasn’t just because Bucky was pulling his nipple into his mouth and sucking firmly. They were discussing _wiping_ themselves from each other and it wasn’t alarming Bucky in the least bit.

“Maybe they won’t wipe me anymore,” Bucky answered after he pulled up to press a quick kiss against Steve’s lips. “If they let me be your handler, they wouldn’t wipe me.”

“And what if you don’t get to be my hander, Bucky?” Steve pulled Bucky’s face back to his as he rocked his hips up into Bucky’s. His eyes fluttered as he felt the softest twinge of pleasure surge up his spine from his cock. He needed out of his pants.

Bucky tucked his bottom lip beneath his front teeth. He looked to the side. It was evident that he was finally feeling the doubts seep into his mind. Steve could see how his shoulders drooped and how the light that was shining so brightly before in his eyes was dimming. Realization was finally hitting. Steve desperately wished Bucky would cancel the idea. He wished Bucky would just grab his hand and tell him to run and they’d run till their legs gave out in some dessert or island paradise.

“Then at least we’ll be together; even if we don’t remember.” Bucky traced his tongue along Steve’s lips before licking at his eyelashes softly.

Steve didn’t think his heart could break anymore, but from that simple sentence…it was annihilated. The very existence of Steve’s heart was snuffed out into oblivion. Bucky was _beyond_ loyal to HYDRA.

Steve nodded. He was too afraid to speak anymore. If he spoke, he’d burst out in tears. He’d ruin his whole plan. He’d ruin the pleasure he was experiencing. He needed Bucky to escape HYDRA but he couldn’t get him to if he was _programmed_ to be loyal to them, and now with it out in the air and Bucky comfortable with talking about HYDRA…Steve was seeing just how f _ar_ that loyalty and programming ran. It wasn’t just part of Bucky’s mind. It was practically encoded into his DNA.

Fingers grazed against his face, catching tears that he hadn’t even known he let slip. He looked up into Bucky’s stormy-blue eyes. Bucky was offering the tiniest, shyest of smiles. “Everything’s gonna be okay now, Steve. I’ll protect you. Till the end of the line.”

Steve couldn’t hold it in anymore. He allowed a sob to pass from his lips. _‘What have they done to you, Bucky?’_

Bucky sat back, pulling Steve up so he was sitting in his lap once more. Bucky placed tiny angel-kisses against Steve’s face. His tongue would occasionally jut out to lap at a tear as Steve continued to cry. “Stevie,” Bucky whispered. “Don’t cry. I’m gonna make you feel so good, baby. Don’t cry.”

Steve felt more than pathetic. He felt like he was being thrown into a meat grinder. He felt guilty, dirty and shameful as his erection still throbbed between his legs. He felt heavy from lying to Bucky. He felt his skin crawling still at the unsettling idea of actually pretending to submit to HYDRA; even if it wasn’t real. “Can we just… _please_ stop talking about HYDRA?” Steve croaked out. “Please Bucky. I just wanna make love to you.”

Bucky nodded. His gaze was resigned and finally full of understanding. “Let me do all the work, k?”

Steve wanted to object. He felt it lazy if one person gave it their all and the other just…sat there. But right now, Steve didn’t have the strength for much else. He was human. He had simple needs. He _needed_ the comfort Bucky’s body could offer. So he nodded, swallowing back another sob and fought against the tears.

Bucky kissed down Steve’s jaw, down his neck to suck rosy bruises into the skin and down to lap at his collar bones. He continued to rock his hips into Steve’s. Steve had never hated fabric more than right now. Bucky’s fingers trailed up and down Steve’s back, dancing from shoulder blades down along each side of his spine before resting at the dimples of his lower back. He squeezed at Steve’s skin there before grinding his hips down over and over against Steve. Steve’s cock sent pulsating, pleading signals into his brain as he whined out desperately. “B-Bucky,” he cried out. “I need more.”

Bucky smiled impishly. He pushed Steve back against the pillows and shimmied down so he could yank Steve’s pants down. Once Steve’s dick was exposed, Bucky looked up with the most adoring smile he’d ever sported. “Stevie,” he breathed out. “Your dick’s so pretty.”

Steve felt heat rise into his cheeks from embarrassment. “Bucky…just touch it,” Steve grumbled out weakly. Bucky stood from the bed, pulling a loud, protesting groan from Steve as he involuntarily lifted his hips up as tremors of his arousal berated his body.

“I told you I’m gonna make you feel good, baby,” Bucky said as he slid his sweats off. “Gotta be patient for it.”

Steve didn’t know where this kind of confidence came from. At first, Bucky was completely unsure of himself. He didn’t understand sex. Then…suddenly he did and he was _dirty_ with how he handled it. Now it was innocent; more playful. Steve wasn’t sure if Bucky was exploring his sexual preferences or if Bucky’d been watching porn when Steve wasn’t around.

Bucky climbed atop Steve’s legs. He positioned his cock right in front of Steve’s. He rocked forward, letting his tip hit the underside of Steve’s. Steve watched in awe; mouth hanging open and eyes greedy and desperate as Bucky used one hand to balance Steve’s cock straight up, while he used his other hand to direct his own. Bucky slid his cockhead up and down Steve’s length. It was agonizingly slow and not enough, but it felt so, so _good_.

Steve slammed his head back into the pillow. “Shit! Fuck!”

Bucky laughed. “Like that baby?”

Steve bit his lip to keep from crying out as Bucky slid his cockhead up against the underside of Steve’s tip. “Y-yeah…” he breathed out. Bucky _had_ to have been watching porn when Steve wasn’t around. There was no other explanation for this…

Bucky shivered as he gently would rise and fall back onto his ankles, letting his cock graze up and down Steve’s erection. Steve watched, his mouth still hanging open and his eyes heavy-lidded. Each time a moan would bubble in his throat, he’d let it pass without hesitation. Bucky’s tip was slick with precome already and it slid against Steve’s cock so effortlessly.

Bucky let out a tiny gasp as he circled his cockhead around Steve’s. “Sh-shit,” he breathed out.

Steve bucked up. It felt good, but it wasn’t enough. His body was pulsating with anticipation as his limbs shivered desperately. “B-Bucky…Bucky,” he whined out. He grabbed at their erections, using his hand to stroke up and down against them, pushing their cocks together.

Bucky fell back, using his arms to now lean against. He panted softly as he tried to keep from rolling his hips; which failed. Steve pressed his finger over Bucky’s slit, feeling the precome cling to his finger. He circled around Bucky’s tip before sliding his fingers back down the base of both of their cocks.

“Ahh…ahhh,” Bucky whined out. “St-Steve, Steve.”

“I know you wanna make me feel good, baby,” Steve said. “But I wanna make you feel good too.”

Bucky swallowed thickly; lust drowning his eyes with a thick glaze of need.

“I want to you to sit on my face, and I wanna eat your ass,” Steve said evenly. He was so dead serious that Bucky actually laughed from it.

“Really?” Bucky asked. He winced as Steve stroked over his tip again. “F-fuck!”

“Really,” Steve responded, still in the same serious tone as before.

“St-Steve,” Bucky gasped out. “Steve, I love you.”

Steve sat up, pulling Bucky further into his lap. His cock rubbed against Bucky’s ass-cheeks making him shiver. “I love you too, Bucky.”

“Even if I’m not Bucky?” Bucky asked. His voice was so soft; Steve could almost mistake it for a child’s.

“You are Bucky,” Steve affirmed. “You’re _my_ Bucky.” Steve kissed both sides of Bucky’s face, brushing his nose against Bucky’s as he moved from one side to the other. “Now sit on my face and play with my balls.”

Bucky laughed, releasing any insecurity as his shoulders relaxed. “You’re weird.”

Steve nodded. “Ass! Now!” Steve ordered as he gave Bucky a playful swat on the butt. It wasn’t enough to sting, just more for show. Though, Steve wasn’t gonna stop at just that… Hearing the little slap made his heart flutter wildly in his heart.

Bucky turned around, curling his back in to expose his ass and his balls. He crawled backwards over Steve as Steve lay back again. Bucky’s shins were on either side of Steve’s head as he kept himself from putting his weight entirely down on Steve’s face. Steve reached up, guiding Bucky’s rear over his face and playing with his rim lightly by swirling his thumb around it.

“Steve!” Bucky gasped sharply.

Steve spread Bucky’s ass with his fingers, giving the man’s hole an exploratory lick. He felt the rim tighten for a moment before relaxing once more. “I like doing this, Buck,” Steve said. “Just relax.”

Bucky’s hole opened slightly, a clear indication that Bucky was listening to Steve. Steve pushed his face into Bucky’s ass, swirling his tongue around the riveted hole, tasting Bucky in his most intimate area.

Bucky moaned loudly, pushing back on Steve’s face before leaning up slightly again. Steve gasped sharply as he felt Bucky squeeze at his balls. Welp, Steve had said play with them…

Steve sucked at Bucky’s hole, making loud sucking noises as he did so. He lapped his tongue out, pushing it just barely inside. He felt Bucky shiver.

“Steve! Oh God, Steve!”

Steve’s hands went up to Bucky’s ass, pulling his cheeks wider apart before smacking one side sharply. He felt the skin tremble against his cheeks from the impact. His legs squeezed as he felt Bucky’s fingers trailing over his dick tauntingly before swirling a single digit at his tip. Growling, Steve pushed his tongue into Bucky’s hole. He swirled it around quickly before pulling it out to play against the rim once more.

“Ah! Ah…fuck! Shit!” Bucky cried out. He momentarily dropped his weight against Steve’s face. “S-sorry.”

Steve didn’t respond. He reached one hand up to stroke up and down Bucky’s cock a few times. He felt Bucky’s shins start to tremble as they balanced the man’s weight over Steve’s face.

Steve pushed his tongue back inside, pumping it back and forth, over and over. He’d stopped pumping at Bucky’s dick, but he was still holding onto it. Bucky rocked his hips into the rhythm of Steve’s tongue.

“St-Steve,” Bucky whined out in a staccato. “So good…so good.”

Steve pushed his head up off the pillow, pressing his nose against Bucky’s tailbone as he pushed his tongue further inside, swirling it hard and flesh against Bucky’s insides.

Bucky’s torso fell forward as he collapsed onto his elbows. “Steve! Steve! Oh…oh…Oh God, _baby_!”

Steve gasped against Bucky’s hole as he felt Bucky take his cock into his mouth hungrily. Bucky’s tongue swirled desperately around the length before pulling off. He mouthed over the tip, chewing with his lips lightly and offering out short, soft, uncertain laps at the tip.

Steve moaned into Bucky’s ass. _God_ , he was incredible. He had to let go of Bucky’s cock and balance himself on his elbows as Bucky was no longer sitting at the right angle for him anymore, but he didn’t mind. He tickled his tongue around the rim of Bucky’s hole, pulling delightful shivers from the other man as Bucky continued to lap lightly at Steve’s dick. Steve’s eyes fluttered as the tip of Bucky’s tongue pressed into his slit, smearing saliva and precome together before tracing it along the top of Steve’s cock.

Steve’s head slammed back as he let an animalistic groan rip from his throat. He squeezed Bucky’s ass cheeks in his hands, spreading them apart and sucking hard at Bucky’s hole again. He could literally do this all night. Bucky’s shy licks over his cock, Bucky’s ass _right_ in his face, the small, soft gasps being uttered from Bucky’s _gorgeous_ mouth… Steve needed this. He didn’t need to think about tomorrow or HYDRA, or even the Avengers. He just needed to give himself over to instinct; for the desire to be close to someone and feel so, _so_ good.

Steve pulled back, licking his lips as he savored Bucky’s taste. Bucky whined softly from the loss of contact, but his only response was to place wet kiss after kiss atop Steve’s cockhead. “Bucky… Fuck…when’d you get so good at this?”

Bucky merely giggled around Steve’s cock, tracing his tongue in a circular motion against the tip before resuming his loud kisses.

Steve sucked two fingers into his mouth. He ran his tongue along them to coat them nicely. He pressed both of them against Bucky’s ass, circling them around his hole before slipping them inside. Steve felt Bucky’s muscles respond, clenching down against the intrusion, before Bucky rocked back against them.

“Fuck! Steve!” Bucky called out as he dropped Steve’s cock from his mouth. “Oh yes baby…oh _God_ , yes baby.”

With Bucky’s approval, Steve began to pump his fingers back and forth, spreading them inside Bucky’s body as he worked to stretch out his hole. Bucky dropped his head against Steve’s hip, whining out incoherent sounds as he continued to push back against Steve’s fingers. “Mmm, mmm, mmm,” he whined.

Steve used his tongue to lick the exterior of Bucky’s hole as his fingers continued to twist and pump inside. He flashed his tongue out, flicking it quickly around Bucky’s little hole.

“Ah!” Bucky gasped out loudly. “Fuck…fuck…Steve…”

Steve loved how vocal Bucky would get. He wanted to pull out each and every moan Bucky could possible make. He knew Bucky wanted to focus on him…but Steve wanted to focus on Bucky. There was something so _pleasurable_ about hearing those little moans and gasps. It was so satisfying knowing he was making someone else feel so good. “Feel good, baby?” Steve asked before playfully nipping at one of Bucky’s ass cheeks.

Bucky laughed, kissing the top of Steve’s cock as he stroked lazily at its base. “Mmm, yeah,” he purred out. “C-can I ever do this for you?”

Steve swirled his fingers one more time inside Bucky before pulling them out and bringing them back up to his mouth to coat a third finger. After he got them nice and slick, he pushed the three digits inside Bucky easily and up to his last knuckle.

Bucky’s back arched beautifully as he tossed his head back and rocked off Steve’s fingers. “Fuck, Jesus _Christ_ , Steve.”

“You used to always do this for me,” Steve said, tilting his head a bit so he could look around Bucky’s ass and at the back of his head.

Bucky bent back over to nibble lightly against Steve’s sac. Steve felt his body tense up as a bit of worry shot into his spine, but Bucky’s teeth were light and he barely even nipped. It was more like he was just grazing his teeth over the sensitive flesh. Steve let out a long, approving moan.

“So I can do this for you next time?” Bucky asked again. He looked back at Steve; their gazes finally locking. Bucky’s cheeks were flush pink and his lips were so _red_. Steve licked at his lips instinctively.

“Yeah baby. You can do this to me next time,” Steve affirmed, smiling indulgently.

“Tomorrow,” Bucky detailed. “Before we go meet Rumlow.” His voice was slightly desperate. Steve caught the worry that crawled into those big, blue eyes.

“Why so hasty?” Steve asked as he thrummed his fingers inside Bucky.

“Shit! O-oh God!” Bucky gasped out. “J-just…just in case...in case they take my memories away too.”

Steve’s heart twisted in his chest. “We don’t have to go back to them, Bucky,” Steve said softly. He brought his fingers almost out of Bucky’s ass, down to the tips of his fingers before rolling them back inside. Bucky’s arms started to tremble harshly as he continued the ministrations. Bucky struggled to keep eye contact with Steve. “We can still just run away.”

Bucky swallowed hard. Steve could _see_ him trying to fight against his programming. Bucky bit at his lip roughly. He looked down at the bed before meekly looking back at Steve once more. “N-no. They’d…fuck, _Steve_! They’d find me.”

“They’d find you, or you’d let them find you?” Steve pressed. He stretched his fingers out inside Bucky, feeling the man’s muscles flare around him.

“I’d…” Bucky gasped out. “Fuck… Oh God! Steve that feels so good,” Bucky whined out.

“Bucky…” Steve said firmly. “Answer the question.”

Bucky’s face dropped down into Steve’s hip again. “I’d let them find me,” Bucky mumbled into Steve’s skin.

Steve pulled his fingers out. He cupped Bucky’s beautiful ass in his hands, giving it a gentle squeeze before pulling the cheeks apart and sucking on that perfectly prepared, little hole. He traced his tongue along the opening just barely enough inside to get Bucky whining for more. “Want me in you?” Steve asked, ending the other conversation. He didn’t want to think of the heartbreak he felt about Bucky’s loyalty to HYDRA. If he thought too much on it, he’d get sick. He didn’t want that. He just wanted to live in this dream now. He wanted to experience Bucky’s body and hear his little, mewling sounds.

“Y-yeah, Stevie. I want you in me,” Bucky said breathlessly.

“Do you wanna ride me again? Or do you want me to do it?” Steve asked as he gently caressed his fingers over Bucky’s crack. He watched goosebumps leap up into the skin as Bucky’s body shook lightly from such soft contact.

“You do it,” Bucky panted. “I wanna feel you make love to me.”

“Lie on your back, Bucky,” Steve said gently as he tapped lightly against Bucky’s  thigh.

Bucky rolled over, smiling up dreamily at Steve. Steve crawled over with a smile on his face. _‘Why do you let HYDRA do this to you?’_ He grabbed Bucky’s legs, wrapping them around his waist as he leaned down to kiss at Bucky’s hips before dotting a line of kisses from those refined bones, up his navel and to the base of his sternum.

Bucky laughed softly. He reached his hands down to graze his fingers through the short, blonde strands of Steve’s hair. “I love you,” Bucky sighed out.

Steve rested his chin against Bucky’s chest. “I love you, too,” he mumbled. He pressed a kiss down against one pec and then on the other. Leaning up, Steve pulled Bucky’s body closer to his. He watched Bucky’s _leaking_ , red cock bob slightly from the motion. He cracked a pleased smile before bending over to place a kiss against those soft, lush lips. “Ready, baby?” he asked against Bucky’s lips.

“Mhmm,” Bucky purred out.

Steve spit into his fingers, coating himself as best he could with saliva. He hated not having lube around, but when he went chasing after Bucky, he didn’t exactly expect _this_ to happen. He lined himself up, pushing carefully into Bucky’s tight, little hole.

Bucky’s back arched as he gasped out from the intrusion.

Steve waited, watching the muscles in Bucky’s arms clench and relax.

“M-more, Stevie,” Bucky whispered. “It doesn’t hurt.”

Steve rocked his hips slowly, watching himself sheath into Bucky’s body. He felt shivers run up and down his spine as Bucky’s muscles fluttered around his cock. “B-Bucky! You feel so good.”

Bucky reached his arms out, pulling Steve down so he could wrap his arms around Steve’s neck. He rocked his hips into Steve, completely engulfing Steve’s cock. “ _You_ feel so good.”

They stared into each other’s eyes. Steve didn’t know for how long.  This was his Bucky. He’d know that little bump on his ear anywhere. He’d know the freckle on his right shoulder, but the two on his left. He’d know the slight curve upward of Bucky’s cock (it felt amazing inside him). This _was_ Bucky. To say it “upset” him that Bucky didn’t believe it himself was an understatement. It _destroyed_ Steve. Bucky was so close… So close to being _himself_ again. To being alive! Yet he was so confident that HYDRA was where he belonged.

“Steve…” Bucky said softly. His tone was soft; laced with worry. “You’re crying again…”

Steve dropped his face into Bucky’s shoulder. Licking softly at the freckle there. The freckle that _he knew_ belonged to James Buchanan Barnes. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered. “You just feel so good.”

Bucky kissed the side of Steve’s head. “Make love to me,” he reminded; rolling his hips for good measure.

Steve didn’t want to. He wanted to lie there like this, just being _inside_ Bucky was all Steve needed right now. He just wanted to smell Bucky’s musky scent, listen to his breathing and feel his heart beating. He didn’t want anything else right now.

“Steve!” Bucky whined out impatiently. “Please…I wanna feel you.”

Steve sighed, resigning himself to Bucky’s wants. He rocked back, letting his cock balance against the opening of Bucky’s hole before slipping back up inside. Bucky’s head tossed back as he let out a long, throaty moan in approval. He thrust like that a few more times; nice and slow, really letting Bucky _feel_ all of his cock.

Bucky would breathe out a string of soft _yes, yes, yes_ each time Steve would slip back inside. He tightly gripped his legs around Steve, rolling his hips in the pace that Steve had set for them. He looked up at Steve, his eyes hazy and resigned to the way Steve made him feel. Steve had never seen someone look so gorgeous. Sweat clung to Bucky’s face, casting a sort of ethereal glow off his skin. His eyes were like marbles, not just piercing the soul but answering the questions of the universe. Steve felt tears in his eyes again. No… No he wouldn’t keep crying. He was doing this for Bucky. He was going to _save_ Bucky. He wouldn’t let HYDRA have him any longer.

Steve hastened his thrusts, slipping one of Bucky’s legs over his shoulder so he could go deeper inside.

“Mmm, mmm, Oh God, oh God, oh God, Steve! Yeah, yeah!” Bucky panted as Steve rocked into him zealously. Bucky slammed his head back, tossing it from side to side as he moaned in tune with each of Steve’s thrusts. They weren’t going to hide how loud they could get for anyone. No one else mattered. Hell, if the Avengers could hear them all the way from their D.C location, Steve would be damn proud when they barged in seeing him in the throes of pleasure.

“Ah, _God_ ,” Steve growled. “Bucky you’re so tight, you’re so good for me baby.” He thrust his hips up, getting just a _bit_ further inside Bucky’s body. The frantic sounds of skin smacking skin echoed off the walls as the two panted and moaned out disjointed words and phrases.

Steve spit down over Bucky’s purpling cock, using his hand to smear both drooling precome and saliva around it. Bucky arched his back violently as he yelped from the contact. “Steve! Steve! Steve!” he gasped out desperately.

Steve matched his hand to the fast pace his hips were rocking into Bucky. He clashed his hips against Bucky’s backside, smacking loudly against it. “Wanna come for me baby?” Steve asked. “Y-you ready?”

Bucky nodded frantically. “I w-wanna kiss you… I wanna kiss you when I come,” Bucky answered eagerly. He closed one eye, moaning out a long vibrato as Steve angled his hips slightly upward with each thrust so he could hit his tip against Bucky’s prostate. “Ah! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Bucky shouted out. He grabbed at Steve’s neck, pulling him closer till their lips were bruising against each other.

Steve used one hand to balance himself up so he could continue pumping at Bucky’s cock with the other hand. Bucky whined urgently into Steve’s mouth; shoving his tongue further down Steve’s throat than he was used to. Steve pulled back a bit, stopping Bucky’s tongue with his so he could direct how he wanted the kiss to go.

He sucked Bucky’s lip into his mouth, running his tongue along it adoringly before closing his mouth completely over Bucky’s, feeling the other man’s lips slip against his easily from their saliva that mixed together perfectly.

Bucky’s muscles clenched around Steve tightly. He cried into Steve’s mouth; almost like something was hurting him. Tears rolled down Bucky’s face as he came into Steve’s hand. Steve felt some of the seed squirt against his abdomen. He continued to kiss Bucky as the man rode out his orgasm; feeling hot tears graze against his cheeks as Bucky continued to cry softly.

Steve pulled back, slowing his fist’s pace around Bucky’s cock. He licked at the side of Bucky’s face playfully.

Bucky was gasping heavily for air. He continued to roll up into Steve’s thrusts, wincing each time he did so. Steve wasn’t sure if he was still climaxing or if he was staring to get overstimulated.

Steve tried to pull back, but Bucky’s legs held him against him. “No!” Bucky barked out. “I want you to come inside me again.”

Steve nodded, placing a soft kiss against Bucky’s cheekbone. He sped up his pace again, forcing his weight to one side so he could make love to Bucky as they were both lying on their sides. Bucky pulled one leg back so he could be more comfortable on the bed.

Steve felt his balls start to tighten as warmth built up in his abdomen. “Bucky…Bucky I’m gonna come soon,” he said.

Bucky kissed Steve’s nose. Once. Twice. Thrice. He kissed his cheek bone, his jaw, his nose again… “I love you, Steve. I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated.

It would have been endearing if the sentiment wasn’t so desperate. To Bucky, unaware of Steve’s plan, this could be one of the last times they’d ever be like this. That in itself was so mindboggling why Bucky could be so okay with HYDRA’s Asset Program. HYDRA would rip him from Steve and he’d let it happen gladly; all for HYDRA. He’d be okay with that…because in theory, they were still together, even if they didn’t remember each other. Steve wasn’t okay with that. He couldn’t imagine a single world where he’d be okay with that.

He felt Bucky’s muscles start to clench around him again, almost like they were fighting to push him out. Bucky continued to cry, but his moans were no longer pleasurable and more like he really _was_ hurting. Steve usually didn’t take this long… Usually he’d come right when his partner did, but circumstance was weighing too heavily on his mind. “Bucky…I don’t have to come inside you.”

“I need you to!” Bucky rushed out. “Please, come inside me, Steve.”

Steve rolled his body into Bucky, pushing up as far as he could. He forced his thoughts aside, relishing in the way Bucky’s tight muscles clenched around him, how _hot_ Bucky’s insides were. The gentle way Bucky’s limp cock tickled at his own. He furrowed his brow, panting heavier as he felt his climax build up once more. Bucky lulled into Steve, licking at his lips, nipping at his throat. His fingers came to swirl around one of Steve’s nipples and _that_ felt so good. “Bucky…yeah…yeah keep doing that,” he begged softly.

Bucky listened. He swirled his finger around the nipple, flicking at it playfully before tugging at it once.

Steve’s balls clenched up again as he continued to ram himself in and out of Bucky’s beaten hole. Warmth gushed into his cock as he pulsated his seed out. “Bucky! Oh fuck, I love you! I love you,” he chanted breathlessly as he came.

Bucky continued to roll his hips up, letting his insides be filled with Steve’s seed. He kissed at Steve’s lips, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth.

Steve tried to pull out, breathing heavily from exhaustion and climax. Bucky firmly planted his heel into Steve’s spine. “No!” he yelped. “Stay like this…just for a bit.”

Steve sighed through his nose; feeling his muscles still twitching from his orgasm. “Mkay,” he mumbled. He pressed soft kisses against Bucky’s lips, over and over. He didn’t close his eyes. Neither did Bucky. They didn’t speak. They didn’t look away from each other. There was no shy, unsure giggling or a joke to break how serious they suddenly felt.

Steve loved Bucky more than anything. He’d kill, destroy and burn everything in his path if it meant saving him. And from the look Bucky was giving back, Steve knew Bucky felt the same…only he came second to HYDRA… It was the heaviest kick in the gut Steve had ever felt, but he had to excuse it. It wasn’t Bucky’s _choice_. He’d been _programmed_ that way. _Brainwashed._

Bucky brushed his nose against Steve’s, panting softly. Steve answered the soft gesture with brushing his nose over Bucky’s.

 “I wish it could always be like this,” Bucky said; finally shattering the long silence.

“It can be,” Steve countered. “We just run from HYDRA.”

“I can’t do that, Steve,” Bucky responded evenly. There was a tiny bit of desperation laced into those words.

“I know. But everything’s gonna be okay,” Steve said. _‘Because I’m going to save you.’_

Bucky smiled brightly.

Steve hated seeing a smile so bright on a face that should hold as much hate for HYDRA as Bucky did. He pressed a soft kiss between Bucky’s eyebrows. “I need to pull out,” he whispered against Bucky’s forehead.

“No,” Bucky whined out. “You feel so good; keeping me all full.”

Steve laughed; it caused Bucky to jerk back slightly, which in turn only made Steve gasp as his cock moved inside Bucky. “I’ve gotta take care of Nat for you,” Steve said softly. He pressed a kiss to Bucky’s nose.

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve, pushing him back against the bed. Before Steve’s dick was able to slip out entirely, Bucky was on top of him, sliding his hole back over Steve’s cock and pulling him deep inside. Bucky dropped his face into Steve’s shoulder, sighing contently. “We’ve got all night to deal with Nat,” he mumbled into Steve’s shoulder.

“But if I do it _now_ , then I can come back and we can do this all over again?” Steve suggested.

Bucky crinkled up his face playfully in thought. “Fine,” he said reluctantly. He sat up on Steve, swirling his hips a few times; enough to make Steve press his head back into the pillow and let his eyes flutter closed.

“Bucky…” Steve gasped out. “Please…”

“I’m just teasing you.” He slipped off Steve, heading for the bathroom. “I’ll be in the shower. Don’t die okay?”

Steve laughed in amusement as Bucky waved a carefree hand over his shoulder. It was _astounding_ how Bucky could be so…unlike himself and then… _Bucky_ a few seconds later. Steve looked down at his naked form. He wanted to get into the shower with Bucky but he knew time was running out. He needed to convince the Avengers to see his side.

* * *

 

“You’re shitting us,” Clint said as he shot Steve the most incredulous look Steve probably had ever seen. “You want us to _let_ HYDRA think they’re gonna reprogram your brain? You get smacked upside the head too many times?”

“Bucky’s programmed to stay loyal to HYDRA. He can question it, he may even think he can betray it, but he _can’t_. None of this was personal. He was programmed to follow orders,” Steve explained as crossed his arms over his chest.

“Nazis followed orders too, Steve,” Natasha chided. “We still threw them in prison cells…”

Steve sat back against the couch, looking at his teammates. He sighed heavily as he pressed his lips together. “Look…I’m doing this. It’s the only way I can get Bucky out of the hold HYDRA’s got on him. I’d love it if you helped me. Please.”

Natasha’s brow flicked as she looked to her side where Clint sat. He sighed heavily. Tony and Sam had sat quietly with looks of disbelief. Banner was biting his nails. Even Maria was scratching at her nose as if she hadn’t even heard Steve.

“I’m in,” Sam said. “I know how much this guy means to you, and if what you say is true,” Sam said, meeting Steve’s gaze with big, brown eyes. “Then Bucky’s in a lot of trouble and it’ll stay that way forever and I can’t stomach that.”

“Sam…” Natasha warned. She turned to him, flashing a face quick warning over her face. Steve didn’t like that.

“So…” Steve drawled. “You’ve all been talking about me…I take it.”

“We’ve been _worried_ about you. There’s a difference,” Natasha corrected. “Bucky’s a threat, Steve. We shouldn’t be letting him remotely near HYDRA.”

“Bucky’s not a threat,” Steve combated. “He’s following a program.”

“And whose to say that program isn’t going to put a bullet in you?” Tony asked. “Cap, I’m all for rushing in headfirst, but this is different. You’re head’s not thinking…”

“What’s thinking then Tony?” Steve challenged.

Tony poked Steve in the chest roughly. “This over-sized hunk of junk. You’re in love, Steve. You’re blinded by it.”

“Steve,” Sam began. “Maybe we really should let the CIA handle this. They could reprogram Bucky too?”

“No,” Steve said forcefully. “No government is getting near Bucky. Look…” Steve grabbed at the bridge of his nose. “If I get him to remember who he was, he’s not a threat. He’d just be Bucky again.”

“But he’s not Bucky _right now_ , Steve!” Clint said in exasperation. “He’s an asset! He’s programmed to take you into HYDRA! He was already given a tentative kill order on you!”

“But he said he couldn’t do that!” Steve shouted. “I can do this by myself! I’d like to have you all at my back, but I’m doing this! Bucky _needs_ me and I’m not abandoning him! Not when I’m this close to breaking him out!”

Clint huffed angrily. Natasha grabbed his hand with her good arm. It did little to calm him though from Steve’s perspective.

“I’ll help you,” Tony said. “What the hell. I’m curious anyway.”

Steve nodded tightly. Falcon and Iron Man were a pretty good combination. If he had to have the smallest team, at least it was the two of them.

“Steve…this is _dangerous_ ,” Natasha said. “HYDRA could remove your memories. They could _change_ you.”

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Steve said in finality. “Bucky is everything to me. You either help me, or you let us go. No CIA. No government. Just let us go.”

Natasha pursed her lips, looking over to Clint. She bumped her good shoulder into him. “Well…I can’t say I don’t have any experience in watching the one I love be brainwashed. I can’t help, but I can make this jackass help.”

Clint’s mouth fell open. “Are you serious? After what Bucky did to you?”

“What _HYDRA_ did to me. If Steve… _If_ … Steve can get Bucky to remember who he is…I’ll reevaluate my stance on this. If you can’t though, I’m calling the CIA. And that’s final.”

Steve nodded tightly. “Thank you, Nat. That’s all I’m asking.”

Maria shook her head. “No. I can’t. I saw what this man’s capable of. Now that I know he’s still an active HYDRA agent…I can’t.”

“You work for me though right?” Tony said. “Can I order you to help?”

“Ha. No,” Maria quipped. “That’s final. And I really think you should reconsider, Steve. If HYDRA succeeds in getting you, don’t you also lose Bucky? You’ll forget him.”

“They’re not gonna get my memories,” Steve said. He was exhausted with going over this again and again. They’d already been arguing for hours before they finally started to see reason. “I’ve got a plan.”

“And what’s the plan?” Banner asked. “Which, by the way, can’t include a Hulk. I’d love to help. But not as The Other Guy.”

 “I’ve told Bucky I’ll submit to The Asset Program. We’re gonna put a tracker on me, and maybe some EMP’s just to be on the safe side,” Steve explained. “Follow me. Make sure they don’t start up that machine on me. The second I’m inside, you infiltrate. Try not to draw any attention. We need scientists alive, but no soldiers. Take ‘em out. I don’t care who they are. They got a HYDRA symbol on them, they’re dead.”

Natasha’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

“Get to me and we’ll force some scientists to remove the programming on Bucky that keeps him loyal, or, whatever,” Steve said intelligently.

“What if they all start chewing up cyanide pills?” Clint asked.

“Then they die and we figure out another way. This is just Plan A,” Steve said. “I don’t have a Plan B, and I really hope this works…but we’ll figure out a Plan B if we have to. And if a Plan B can’t work…Nat can send the CIA in on Bucky. And me. Since I’m not leaving him ever again.”

Everyone nodded. Maria huffed, but she said nothing else.

“When’s this going down?” Banner asked as he leaned against the archway to the living room.

“Tomorrow? Maybe the next day? I’ll text you. Bucky thinks I’m…” Steve struggled with the truth. It wasn’t going to help his case. He was already standing on shaky ground with the Avengers. Clint clearly didn’t want to help. Maria was out of the picture. Natasha couldn’t help even if she really wanted to, which Steve was pretty sure she didn’t actually want to.

“He thinks I’m here killing Nat so…it’s best if we maybe even let the News think she’s dead. Maybe Tony pulls one of his very angry speeches again,” Steve finished.

“Oh, I’m totally down for that,” Natasha said as she stretched out her back. “Help me get some covers back.”

Steve wasn’t expecting her to be so agreeable about that.

“Just don’t give the terrorists your address this time,” Banner teased Tony.

Tony scoffed. “I was pissed! Excuse me for my moment of weakness. Believe me…I know it was dumb! I loved that house!”

Steve allowed a smile to cross his face. Being with Bucky right now, it just hurt. He loved being with Bucky, but it hurt looking at Bucky; seeing those blue eyes and knowing that they were so, so misguided. He couldn’t stomach hearing Bucky talk about HYDRA as a force of good and that he was donating himself “for the cause.” It was too much. It was suffocating. Being with the Avengers, being Captain America, it was right. HYDRA was a sickness that had plagued the world enough and now that it had truly corrupted Bucky, Steve was _finished_ with it. If he had to hear _one more_ good thing about HYDRA…Steve wasn’t sure he could hold his tongue at Bucky and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He still loved him. Lies and betrayal aside. It wasn’t Bucky. It was HYDRA. Bucky had just been the gun. _‘But Peggy…’_

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Natasha asked. Steve creased his brow but he stood and crossed the room into the foyer with her as the Avengers continued to dispute the plan. He leaned against the staircase’s post at the foot of the stairs, looking down at the crutch Natasha was using. _‘Bucky did this…’_

“What’s up?”

“Reprogramming Bucky might not just be about rearranging whatever HYDRA put in there. He has to want it as much as you do. I have a little experience in this subject…” She winced as she looked down at her knife wound. She was in a sling. A sling on one arm and a crutch in the other. She was so much tougher than Steve could ever imagine.

Steve licked at his lips, nodding softly. “So…after we get in and contain the base, we talk to him?”

“He might start attacking,” Natasha responded. “He might even attack you. If that happens, you need me to tell the CIA where you’re at.”

“He loves me. It’s the only thing he’s been truthful about this whole time!” Steve defended. He felt his heart stutter as the words soaked into his skin. Bucky couldn’t do that, not after everything he’d put Steve through. He _owed_ it to Steve now.

“But he’s programmed to be loyal to HYDRA. I’m not saying it’s going to happen. I’m just saying it _could._ We just have to be ready for it.”

“So we’ll tranq him?” Steve suggested. “Get the equipment and move out somewhere else and try again?”

Natasha sighed through her nose, but she nodded in acceptance. “Whatever you want, Steve. You get a fair shot at this. After that…I’m calling in backup.”

“We can work this out,” Steve said very _pointedly_. “I know he’ll see reason.”

Natasha looked down at her crutches. “I know you will. You’re too stubborn not to.” They shared an uneasy laugh with each other. “Just be careful. I don’t agree with this, but I can respect it.”

“Stay with Banner. We’ll call you both in when the base is under containment.”

Natasha rolled her eyes but she said nothing more. “I still can’t believe I actually got him with that trip wire…” She smiled proudly.

Steve allowed a soft smile to play at his lips. “You know when to trust your gut. I should have listened to you.”

Natasha shrugged. “Eh. I like the “told you so” part better. Which reminds me.” She shoved the bottom of one of her crutches into Steve’s foot. He yelped in surprise and pulled back. “ _Told_ you so!”

Steve laughed fully. If Bucky had succeeded… Steve would have lost one of his best friends. He was more than okay with her saying “told you so.” More than okay.

“I gotta get back,” Steve said as he pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the door. “Make Tony unleash some kind of press release or something that hints you’re dead. I don’t know. We just need HYDRA and Bucky to believe it.”

“We got it covered. Go be with your brainwashed boyfriend,” Natasha said as she lifted one crutch and pointed it at the door.

“That’s not funny,” Steve said back.

“It wasn’t supposed to be,” Natasha chirped.

Steve left, feeling a tiny bit more relaxed than he had before. He was really going to do this. He was really going to pretend to let HYDRA take him and undo him. Without the Avengers support, he’d felt unsteady; terrified. He was more confident now. He just wished somehow Thor would suddenly be here for all this. He felt better knowing a god was on their side, but hey, they had Tony. He was almost a god right?

* * *

 

When Steve got back, Bucky was lying with one hand behind his head as he had the remote control in the other on his lap. He was casually sprawled out on the bed in nothing but his briefs. Steve licked his lips as his gaze scanned over that toned body; images of their time together before flashed into his mind. He hesitated, looking at Bucky’s metal arm where it was fused with his flesh. He hated seeing those scars. Still, his gaze met Bucky’s eyes and he felt slightly more at ease. Everything _was_ going to be okay. Steve would save Bucky. HYDRA would finally lose their Asset.

“I see you finished off all the burgers,” Steve said as he looked to the empty wrappers that were tossed casually around on the bed.

Bucky tucked his chin down, offering a shy smile. “I really like burgers. ‘Sides, you worked up an appetite in me.”

Steve laughed. He leaned against the small archway that separated the bed area from the bathroom area.  

 “You really think I’m actually Barnes?” Bucky asked as he began picking up the wrappings from the bed and crumpling them together.

“I know you are. You’re the one who wants the proof.”

Bucky looked down at his feet. He curled his toes back and forth for a moment before looking back up at Steve. “What was Barnes like? Really?”

Steve felt his heart tug. He slid off the wall going to lie next to Bucky on the bed. Bucky folded himself into Steve, resting his head on Steve’s chest. Steve ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair; relishing in how silky the strands felt. “Strong. So intelligent. He may have acted stupid but the guy was super book smart. Sometimes even I’d forget how smart he was.” Steve hated referring to “Barnes” as a different person. But how else was he supposed to approach this subject? If he said “you,” Bucky would just recoil and defend that he _wasn’t_ Bucky. “Caring. Loyal. _Good_. Bucky had a way of making you feel like you were the only thing that mattered in the world. When I was smaller, I was always beating myself up over it. Instead of going out or meeting up with some girls, Buck would stay home and we’d play cards or board games. It’s small, but it meant a lot to me. Bucky loved going out. So for him to stay in our tiny apartment really said something.”

Bucky didn’t respond. He nuzzled his face into Steve’s chest. Steve kept running his fingers through Bucky’s hair. This had to be Bucky. Everything about him was _too_ accurate. “You know,” Steve began. “You’re really loyal. You wanna do good. You’re strong.”

Bucky laughed. “You’re saying I’m like him?”

“Or _are_ him…” Steve led, testing the waters.

Bucky didn’t respond. Steve felt his body go tense for a moment before he readjusted himself. Bucky lifted up, wrapping his legs around Steve’s middle as he sat atop Steve’s lap. “I don’t wanna talk about Barnes anymore.”

Was it betrayal? Loving this Bucky when Steve knew he was loyal to HYDRA? Would Bucky be upset when he got his memories back and feel like Steve had taken advantage of him? Bucky had always made love to Steve. He’d always wanted to be the one who took care of Steve’s needs. This Bucky, he liked being taken care of. Steve rationalized it had something to do with needing to feel validated, or like his feelings mattered. They did matter. Steve wanted to prove that, but he wasn’t sure if this was how it was supposed to be. This was still all part of a very long and drawn out lie. He didn’t want this if he wasn’t sure _his_ Bucky would want this.

Bucky’s hands slipped under Steve’s shirt, skirting up his abs and over his pectorals. He swirled his fingers around Steve’s nipples, forcing them to harden under his touch. Steve arched into the touch; feeling his lids flutter over his eyes. He went slack jaw, watching as Bucky swirled his hips atop Steve’s body, caressing his groin adoringly. Was this okay? What if Bucky had never wanted this? The old Bucky. What if this was something he’d not been comfortable with and that’s why Steve had never topped before. Would he be upset?

Steve let a small moan escape his mouth as Bucky grinded down against his pelvis. He felt Bucky’s cool, metal fingers against one nipple, plucking it and twisting it lightly. The other flesh hand continued to swirl around the other nipple flirtatiously. Steve swallowed loudly, feeling his tongue stick against the back of his throat.

“You okay?” Bucky asked.

Steve nodded. “Distracted.”

Bucky leaned over, running his tongue over Steve’s lips before placing tiny, soft kisses over each eyelid. “Can I fix that?”

He sighed heavily, grabbing Bucky’s hands and pushing them out from under his shirt. “Do you care if we don’t do this again right now?”

Bucky whined. “Did you not like it?”

Steve’s eyes snapped open. “N-no! I…it was amazing. It’s just…I can’t focus on this.”

_‘I can’t focus on you not being you…’_

Bucky bit the side of his lip. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yeah…” Steve said softly. He pushed Bucky off of him gently, pushing the man back onto the bed. Steve curled into Bucky; placing his head against the man’s chest. “I just wanna lie like this? Is that okay?”

Bucky pressed a kiss to the top of Steve’s head. If Steve closed his eyes, he could almost imagine what it was like in a tiny, overly-cold apartment. He listened to Bucky’s heartbeat. _Ba bump, ba bump, ba bump._ It was just like it’d always been. He inhaled deeply, practically smelling the musk of mold in their one-bedroom apartment. Steve’s asthma used to act up so much from that.

He felt Bucky start to run his fingers along his back; tracing idle circles and shapes between his shoulders. _‘He always used to do that.’_

If Steve focused hard enough, he could hear the sounds of grumbling Fords outside and people on bikes, ringing their bells as they alerted they were turning corners. He could hear the paper boy shouting the day’s headlines. He could practically smell the smoke that was always laced into Bucky’s clothes. Bucky never smoked inside, but that had never stopped him from smoking at all…

Steve pressed his face into Bucky’s chest. This was how it was… Just the two of them. No HYDRA. No S.H.I.E.L.D or Avengers. Just Bucky and Steve. Two Brooklyn boys. Together till the end of the line.

Steve felt warm tears glaze his eyelashes. If tomorrow didn’t work… If somehow Bucky couldn’t be _Bucky_ again… There was a chance that this man wasn’t even really Bucky! If something went wrong…

Steve would rather have no memories of Bucky than remember losing him _again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think?? I love hearing from youuuuuu<333
> 
> Add me on [Tumblr!](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Let's be friends!
> 
> Here are some sexy gifs I used as inspiration for the sex scene, all from [Stevebuckypornlookalikes](http://stevebuckypornlookalikes.tumblr.com/)
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> I have an unhealthy obsession with rimming......


	10. Plan B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter! Yaaay! Thank you everyone who has supported this story with any kind of feedback. It really kept me going when I just wanted to give up. (This story was hella hard to write cause of how depressing it was haha). I won't ramble anymore. So, here you go!
> 
> Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, blood and violence.

The cascade of warm water that berated Steve’s muscles sank in through his body, soothing and relaxing him. He dropped his head against Bucky’s shoulder, feeling the water change course and slip down his nose. Bucky’s hands were softly rubbing up and down his back. He gently brought the nails of his flesh hand along the skin as they leaned against each other. Steve shivered, pressing his body against Bucky more, feeling the other man’s soft cock slip against his accidently.

“Steve,” Bucky whispered over the sounds of the water. “You okay?”

Steve didn’t respond. He wrapped his hands around Bucky’s shoulders and sighed. He didn’t want to move from this spot. The water was warm, Bucky’s body was warm, and they were safe. No one was coming for them right now. Keyword being “now.” HYDRA would come eventually and get Bucky if they lingered too long and worst of all, Bucky would _allow_ it. He felt tears sting at his eyes. Sniffing, he buried his face in Bucky’s neck, feeling the water trickle down the dimples in his back.

“Steve?”

“I love you,” he responded softly. “I love you so much.”

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders, cupping his shoulder blades. “I love you too.”

Steve slipped his hands down Bucky’s chest, letting them thrum over those abs to trace along the Adonis lines that led him to Bucky’s soft dick.

“Steve!” Bucky gasped as Steve let the pads of his fingers slip up and down along the length. “You want to?”

“I don’t know,” Steve responded. He didn’t feel remotely turned on. His heart wasn’t in this but he was worried and giving himself over to something that took all his attention didn’t seem like a bad idea. If things went wrong today…they could go _very_ wrong and Steve would lose who he was forever to HYDRA. He just needed something to distract him.

“We don’t have to,” Bucky responded, sucking in a gasp as Steve’s fingers swirled around his tip, playing at the slit.

“I think I want to,” Steve responded, dropping to his knees and holding Bucky’s semi-hard cock to balance it up. He brushed his nose against the tip, circling it along the slit.

“Steve!”

“Shh, baby,” Steve cooed. He licked at Bucky’s tip experimentally, peering up through long, wet lashes.

Bucky’s mouth was slack as he stared down at Steve, nodding softly.

Steve took Bucky’s tip into his mouth, sucking softly as he stroked lazily at the base of Bucky’s cock with loose fingers. His other hand palmed at Bucky’s balls, rolling them softly in his hands. He didn’t even know why he was doing this right now. He didn’t really _want_ to. His soft cock was testament to that. He just wanted something to distract him. The coming day was looming over him like a dark cloud and Steve couldn’t deny how scared he felt. Sure, he had the Avengers but there were a thousand things that could go wrong.

Bucky’s fingers curled into Steve’s hair, pulling slightly at his scalp. It brought Steve back into the moment. He swirled his tongue around Bucky’s tip, tasting the precome starting to build up at the slit. He used his hand to slide up and down the length, pressing the pads of his wrinkling fingers along the protruding veins.

“Ah…ah…” Bucky panted softly, struggling to not double over. Steve could feel when Bucky would start to dip. Each time he’d brace himself to catch Bucky’s torso against his head but it never came. He heard a thump and casually looked up to see that Bucky had stretched out his metal arm to keep himself anchored in an upright position.

Their gazes locked for a moment, Steve, on his knees and sucking gently at Bucky’s cock, offered the smallest curl of his lips upward.

Bucky was gasping but he managed to flash a smile back before stroking the pad of his flesh thumb along Steve’s jawline. “You’re so beautiful, Steve,” he purred out.

Steve returned his focus to Bucky’s erection, letting more of it slip into his mouth as the warm water continued to fall down the lines of his back. He bobbed his head, curling his fingers around Bucky’s hips to get a nice rhythm going. Back and forth he let his tongue slip along the length, coating it with a thick layer of saliva.

“Ah…St-…Steve…” Bucky panted. “You…you’re so good baby…”

Steve ignored him, it probably wasn’t the best idea. His cock lay against his thigh, limp as a wet noodle. Nothing about this was remotely arousing and he couldn’t figure out why! Bucky was delicious in his mouth, leaking precome right against Steve’s tongue and shivering from the soft sensations of Steve’s swollen lips over his cock. It was beautiful to see and intoxicating to feel but Steve couldn’t get hard! He kept worrying about today and how it would all play out.

Would HYDRA be rough with him? Would they respect him for consenting willingly? Would they start mocking him?

“Steve!” Bucky gasped, starting to sway his hips, forcing more of himself into Steve’s mouth.

Steve opened his mouth more, letting Bucky fuck himself into his mouth at Bucky’s own rhythm. It was faster and Steve could feel saliva dripping down his chin to pool at his clavicle before the water would wash it away when he was pushed back by Bucky’s thrusting.  He slipped a finger behind Bucky, inserting it between his wet cheeks and circling it around Bucky’s hole. He didn’t have any intentions of opening Bucky up, but he knew how good it felt to the man.

“Ah! Yes, baby! Ah…ah…” Bucky moaned, throwing his head back and rocking more into Steve’s mouth.

Steve gagged around Bucky’s length, feeling the muscles in the back of his throat flutter and constrict tightly. He pulled back, swirling his tongue along the curves of Bucky’s dick. He pressed the tip of his tongue along the underside and lapped reverently; strong, forceful licks that sent Bucky curling over Steve and pressing both trembling hands against the tiled wall of the shower.

“Steve…Steve…fuck…Steve…” Bucky panted.

Steve looked up, watching Bucky’s chest rise and fall in pronounced, urgent gasps. He closed his eyes, pulling Bucky’s length back into his mouth, letting his finger still play at the hole of Bucky’s ass, slipping it inside just a bit, swirling it along the curves.

Bucky’s lengths tensed as he let out a long whine, he rocked his body back and forth, letting his dick slip in and out of Steve’s hot wet mouth. Steve’s fingers swirled around his hole, pushing against it each time Bucky pulled back. “Ah…Steve…M’close…m’close…”

Steve used his left hand to squeeze at Bucky’s balls, rolling them in his hand and coaxing them to pinch up into Bucky’s body as he’d release. His tongue continued to work the erection in his mouth, swirling around it and dragging his lips back and forth along the length. He moved quickly, feeling Bucky’s legs tensing and relaxing over and over as his panting became more frantic.

“Steve! Ah…ah! Steve, Steve, Steve, fuck!” Bucky moaned, struggling to not come crashing down against Steve’s kneeling form.

Bucky’s balls pinched up in Steve’s hands and warm, bitter liquid pumped into his mouth. Steve continued sucking forcefully, looking up and watching the tension around Bucky’s eyes ease away to a relaxed, blissful face. He closed his mouth over Bucky’s tip, letting his swollen lips caress against the sensitive skin. He swirled his lips against it adoringly, pressing soft kisses into it as it started to soften in his hand.

“Steve…st- stop, please,” Bucky whispered.

Steve pulled away, letting Bucky collapse to the shower floor with him. Steve turned his head away, spitting the cum that remained in his mouth, watching it swirl down the drain.

Bucky was still panting, but crawled into Steve, folding into Steve’s chest, pressing his nose against Steve’s collar bone.

Steve held him, looking distantly at the other side of the shower, tracing the tiles with his gaze. He stroked at Bucky’s wet, trembling shoulders absent-mindedly. This didn’t do anything for him. His cock was still flaccid against his body and his heart wasn’t even racing.

“Steve?”

“Yeah, Bucky,” Steve responded automatically.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Bucky.” Steve’s voice was flat, void of emotion. He finally looked down at Bucky. He was nestled up against Steve’s body, pressing Steve back into the wall with his knees curled up into his chest. He looked so young and yet this man was the reason so many good people were dead. Steve hated to think that he was okay with this, that he was okay with HYDRA dictating everything about his life but here Bucky was, giving HYDRA the man he claimed to love! How was any of this okay?

Bucky loved Steve, but Bucky would give Steve up to HYDRA, knowing full well that Steve would forget Bucky. Their relationship would be forced to end and yet Bucky was still…okay with it? How was that normal? How was that even acceptable?

Steve whined. It slipped from his throat like a rabid, desperate animal and Steve was powerless to do anything but let the sound echo off the shower walls.

Bucky looked up at him with a creased brow, his eyes drowned in concern. “Steve?”

Steve shook his head, holding Bucky closer to him. “I’m okay, Bucky. My throat’s dry.”

Bucky giggled, pressing a kiss against Steve’s shoulder. “Maybe we should get you some water?”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Bucky stood up, offering his metal hand down to assist Steve. The blonde stared at that hand for a moment, weighing everything that this hand meant. It wasn’t Bucky’s hand. It was HYDRA’s. HYDRA owned that hand and the body that was attached to it. He winced, reaching up to let Bucky help him.

“We don’t have much time left,” Bucky said softly. Steve could have sworn he saw disappointment flash into those stormy-blue eyes. “Let’s get dried off?” He reached behind Steve to turn off the shower.

“Sure, Buck.”

* * *

 

Steve stared at himself in the mirror, he adjusted his suit, fingers caressing at the star atop his chest. He’d told Bucky after he went to “kill” Nat that he took this. Fortunately, Bucky believed him and now there was a tracker hidden beneath the layers of tactical gear that aided Stark with keeping an eye on Steve’s every location. It was comforting, knowing that Tony was watching over him like a hawk. He just wished Clint was watching with the same gusto, but he knew Clint was only involved because Natasha didn’t give him a choice.

If only they understood this the way Steve did. Bucky _needed_ to be reprogrammed. There was no other alternative. The second he was reprogrammed, he’d be him again. He’d be Bucky again and Bucky wouldn’t be a threat to anyone. Steve’s skin crawled against his bones, making him shiver and whimper softly. The idea of having to “reprogram” Bucky made his vision blur and his stomach flip, but it was the only thing Steve had left! Without that chance…he may never get _his_ Bucky back. This Bucky wasn’t necessarily bad. He had the same ticks and mannerisms of Steve’s Bucky, but he wasn’t the same. He was timid, softer and entirely too submissive. There was no fight in him, nothing to put up with Steve’s bullshit and shove it back at Steve. He wasn’t the Bucky Steve had fallen in love with. He was the Bucky Steve had resigned himself to love because he’d go insane without Bucky, without _any_ Bucky.

Bucky came up behind Steve, wrapping his fingers around his shoulders and pressing a kiss against his neck. He breathed in deep, letting his nose brush against Steve’s skin. “I love you.”

Steve didn’t have the energy to say it back. He simply looked into the mirror, locking his gaze with Bucky’s and offered a tired, awkward smile. If Bucky knew what Steve was planning…if he got even the smallest bit of a tip-off, everything would come crumbling down around Steve. He had to force himself to act natural. He had to force himself to pretend that this was all okay when it was anything but. Giving himself to HYDRA, letting them take his memories and bend him to their will, it was disgusting. How Bucky was all smiles and buzzing around the room as he waited for Steve was beyond the supersoldier. This was wrong.

“Are they waiting for us?” Steve asked tightly.

Bucky nodded, checking his phone. “Yup. I wish we’d slept together again though…” he answered sullenly.

Steve’s brow creased. “We slept together all night?”

“That’s not what I mean,” Bucky pouted, slipping up to Steve and nipped at his nose.

Steve grabbed Bucky, pushing him back a bit. “I’m sorry. I did what I could in the shower; I’m nervous.”

Bucky nodded once more. “I know. I understand. I’ll bet I was scared my first time too.”

Steve winced, feeling his heart shudder. “You’re absolutely sure about this? We could still run.”

Bucky licked at his lips, looking around the room before meeting Steve’s gaze again. “We’re gonna   change the world, Steve. With HYDRA.”

Steve closed his eyes, taking a moment before he blew his composure. Bucky was so sure this was entirely okay. He was happy and confident and it was ripping at Steve’s soul like a _god damn_ paper shredder. He reached out his trembling hands, grabbing his key card. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like they were coming back. He’d gone downstairs and checked out about fifteen minutes ago… It was just nice to feel something familiar, just in case it was the last moment Steve would ever be himself.

A cold, slow tremor rocked through him. He’d never truly entertained the idea of this plan going south. He’d never truly thought about what could happen if his memories were really wiped away. What kind of person would he be? Would it actually…be okay? Bucky wasn’t okay, but he _felt_ that he was okay. Would it be like that for Steve too?

“Steve,” Bucky interrupted. “Ready?”

Steve breathed in a big sigh and then turned toward the door, feeling Bucky’s hand slip into his.

Steve wouldn’t lie to himself anymore. He was fucking terrified of this.

* * *

 

They’d made it to a warehouse along the Potomac. Steve thought it was ironic, considering the last time he really looked at this river, he was sporting a busted lip, several cracked ribs, and a nasty headache. Bucky still wouldn’t take his hand off Steve’s. Steve couldn’t be sure if it was for comfort or to keep Steve from running. Bucky was just as smart as Steve, possibly more. He’d manipulated Steve this far, what was just a few more hours till he was programmed with HYDRA protocol? He let a small gurgle of a whine escape his throat at the thought. He prayed Bucky wasn’t manipulating him right now. If all of this, every piece from the love to the tears had been a lie… Steve would put a gun to his head. He couldn’t take this any longer. This needed to end. It _had_ to end here.

“Rogers!” a gravelly, deep voice called. Rumlow walked out of the warehouse, his arms stretched out like he was greeting an old friend as his shoulders bobbed side to side in his swagger.

“Rumlow,” Steve quipped.

“So the son of a bitch really did it, huh?”

Steve narrowed his name. “He has a name.”

Rumlow let out a bitter, thick laugh. “Funny story, Rogers. No he doesn’t, and neither will you.”

Steve wanted to throw a punch. He wanted to take his shield and jab it so far into Rumlow’s brain that he would see thick goo dribble out in wet pulses. He remained standing, a small, pleasant smile against his lips as he held Rumlow’s gaze. “What’ll you call me?”

“Asset, like him.”

Steve was surprised by how quiet Bucky had gone. He looked over at the man, noting the way he stared blankly at Rumlow, like the words the man was saying didn’t even register in his mind. Steve furrowed his brow, opening his mouth to say something when Rumlow spoke instead.

“So Asset, you said you had a question for me?”

Bucky shifted, squeezing Steve’s hand a little tighter. “It’s a request.”

“I’m listening…” Rumlow baited. Steve wanted to leap on him, tear at his throat with his bare teeth and beat his face in until it wasn’t even remotely human anymore. Rumlow wasn’t human. How could a human treat another human the way Rumlow and HYDRA had treated Bucky?

“I can’t get preserved anymore,” Bucky began. “Is it possible if…” He shifted his weight from side to side, like a child uncertain how to ask a question. “If I could be Steve’s handler?”

Bucky spoke so softly that Steve wasn’t even sure he’d heard him. He licked at his lips, replaying the inaudible syllables in his head till they finally came into focus. He hadn’t talked to Rumlow about this yet. Steve squeezed Bucky’s hand, pressing his shoulder into the man; a silent offering of comfort. Bucky leaned into him.

Rumlow watched with hooded, dark eyes. He tisked with his tongue against his teeth, hands resting against his hips. “Aint up to me, kid.”

“He’s older than you are,” Steve shot back, tilting his head to the side curiously, watching for any sign that Rumlow already knew that.

Rumlow smiled darkly, nodding softly. “He knows what HYDRA tells him to know. He’s a child, believing every word his _daddy_ tells him.”

 _‘I knew it!’_ Rumlow was too cocky to realize that gloating and belittling Bucky was just affirming everything Steve already knew. Bucky _was_ Bucky. If he wasn’t, Rumlow would have taken a shot at Steve differently, taunting him for believing that this man was his lost lover. He’d have insulted Steve’s relationship, his own person, but not Bucky. He didn’t even say that Bucky wasn’t actually that old… Which only meant one thing:

Brock Rumlow knew the identity of the Winter Soldier and that turned Steve’s blood to lava, hot against his skin in rage.

He clenched his teeth, dipping his chin as he stared Rumlow down.

“You wanna be a handler, Asset?” Rumlow redirected.

“Please,” Bucky breathed out, stepping slightly forward, raising Steve’s hand just a tad. Steve watched Bucky’s body, he was rigid and anxious; everything was angular and terrified. Bucky didn’t want to be here. It was evident in the set of his shoulders, pulling back like they were trying to run away. Evident in the way Bucky spoke and how his round eyes were frantically darting all over the room. Bucky didn’t want to be here, but his programming forced him to.

HYDRA would pay for this. They’d pay for the torture, the experiments, they’d pay for the misery Bucky was enduring right now. They’d pay for all of it, and Steve would be the one to deliver each and every blow.

“We’ll see, how’s that? Gotta talk to some of the higher ups for ya.”

“Thank you,” Bucky sighed out, a twitch of a smile playing at his lips. “Thank you, Rumlow.”

Rumlow winced in response, jerking his head in the direction of the warehouse. “We’re on a timeline. Gotta get Rogers into cryo.”

“I thought you were gonna remove my memories first?” Steve asked, feeling his heart start to pound against his ribs.

“You afraid of a little ice, Cap? Thought you’d be used to it by now,” Rumlow mocked.

Steve looked to Bucky, his eyes wild and pleading but Bucky was offering _nothing_! No, this couldn’t work. The plan couldn’t work if he was frozen. The goal was to get inside, get situated in whatever apparatus they used to fry his memories and then the Avengers would storm in, well, Clint, Sam and Tony. If Steve was frozen, he couldn’t help Bucky. Bucky would be lost with HYDRA and Nat would call the CIA… He had to stay mobile. “Bucky,” Steve whined.

Bucky opened his mouth slightly, looking from Steve to Rumlow. “I think that’s a bad idea, sir,” Bucky began. “Rogers isn’t an asset till he’s subdued. He’s only here out of loyalty to me. You need to ensure his loyalty to HYDRA with a wipe.”

Steve wanted to vomit. Hearing those words come out of that rugged, caramel voice. Bucky’s voice… Fuck, this man was Bucky and he had no _fucking_ idea! Steve could feel his nerves tingling, wanting to run but he kept his feet anchored. He couldn’t leave Bucky with these people and he needed to reprogram Bucky to end this nightmare! He would bring Bucky home, no matter the cost. If Plan A didn’t work then Steve would figure out a Plan B. Thank God he had that tracker on… He touched where it resided beneath the star on his chest, his heart slowing as a small semblance of comfort swelled against his shoulders. Tony was watching this. He knew exactly where Steve was right now. It would be okay. It would all be okay…

Rumlow walked up to Steve, flicking his head to the side. “You want your memories wiped, Cap?”

Steve stared down his nose at Rumlow. His fingers were trembling and all he wanted to do was smash his knuckles into this man. “Yes. You know I’d question orders without one.”

Rumlow nodded, his shoulders relaxing as he started walking toward the warehouse. “Wanna forget your boyfriend here?”

Steve swallowed hard, shifting his weight. “No. I just want to forget that I’m betraying everything I’ve ever stood for.”

Rumlow snorted. “Fair enough. Let’s go.”

The three walked inside. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s, pulling him close. Steve knew this wasn’t manipulation now. Bucky was clearly uncomfortable. Perhaps knowing his mission was ending was bringing up unwanted emotions that his protocols couldn’t override. Perhaps he was realizing he was nothing to HYDRA. Steve pressed a kiss against Bucky’s head as two HYDRA guards started to bring up the rear behind them.

“What was that for?” Bucky asked quietly.

“I love you,” Steve answered. “I just wanted you to know that everything I do, it’s because I love you.”

Bucky smiled, but Steve could see the sadness etched in the dark blue lines of Bucky’s irises.

The room was open, aside from random large crates that were stacked up on each other. There was what Steve assumed was a cryo unit in the corner. Then he saw it… pressed up against the wall with the computers from the CIA. The chair.

Bucky whined, pressing further into Steve. Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky, never removing his gaze from that chair.

“You okay, Buck?” Steve asked in a whisper.

“I wanna be your handler so badly,” he answered, matching Steve’s tone. “I don’t wanna forget you.”

Steve swallowed. Bucky was regretting this. It was almost a relief. Perhaps convincing him to sit in that chair instead of Steve would be easier than Steve had imagined. He looked back at the doors, seeing several HYDRA guards close and lock it with a heavy metal bar. They sported large guns and Steve could see the throwing knives along their tactical belts.

“You ready then Rogers?” Rumlow called out.

Steve looked at the chair, feeling his feet chill over. He swallowed hard, looking to Bucky with round, panic-stricken eyes.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Bucky reassured. “I’m gonna be with you the whole time.”

“Can he sit with me?” Steve asked through a trembling voice. The quake in his voice wasn’t a lie but his motive was. He needed Bucky close. The closer Bucky was to Steve the easier it was for Steve to subdue him if anything went south when the Avengers got here.

Rumlow looked back to Bucky, knitting his brow together. “I can’t risk that, Cap.”

Steve looked over at the doors again, straining his ears for any sound outside. He knew the Avengers were watching. He knew he wasn’t alone but he suddenly found himself, so completely and utterly terrified. It wasn’t just his memories. The thought of working for HYDRA… The thought of his hands killing children, families, people who were good and striving to really make a difference! The idea that he could be cutting their lives short and destroying what little hope the world had left? Steve wavered on his feet, feeling Bucky’s arms reach out to catch him.

Several guards stepped forward, all guns trained on Steve.

“He’s just scared!” Bucky growled out. “He won’t leave us. Right, Steve?”

Steve was gasping for air, his limbs were quaking and he was pretty sure he could taste something foul and bitter in the back of his throat. “N-no…” he wheezed out. “I won’t leave you, Bucky.”

“Bucky…” Rumlow echoed.

“Sir,” someone in a lab coat piped up. “We really should put him in cryo.”

“The asset’s right,” Rumlow answered. “Cap’s a threat till he’s no longer Cap.”

“Steve,” Bucky cooed. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m right here.”

Steve couldn’t tell him how _not_ reassuring that was. His only hope was the Avengers and now he wasn’t even sure they were coming. He let Bucky pick him up, hand-in-hand, they walked Steve over to the chair.

“Remove your jacket,” a man in a lab coat ordered blankly as a guard with a gun pushed Bucky back.

Steve glared at the man in the labcoat but did as instructed.

“Sit,” he requested again. Steve guessed this was the only doctor in the room from the lack of white lab coats and men with heavy artillery in every corner.

“Wait,” Steve called out, smacking the man’s hand away from him as he moved over to Bucky.

He heard the cold sounds of men shifting, aiming their guns and reading themselves.

“Hold!” Rumlow called out.

Steve crashed his lips into Bucky’s. He wasn’t sure what was happening anymore. His heart was up in his throat, his mind was _screaming_ at him to lash out, to start throwing punches and beat the people around him. His shield was on the ground by the doctor’s feet. Steve could easily reach it. He may not live through all the gunfire but he could take enough of them down. Maybe he’d even survive to get himself and Bucky out of here. Would Bucky even come? He wrapped his arms around Bucky, feeling the scratchy texture of his stubble rub against Steve’s chin, that little tongue slipping into his mouth and reassure him that they were still here together.

Why was he so scared? The Avengers would be here any minute…

When he pulled back, he saw tears flowing from Bucky’s eyes. He dipped his head, letting a puff of breath escape his shaken lungs. “It’s gonna be okay, Buck,” Steve reassured.

Bucky’s eyes widened, exposing the whites as his mouth dropped open. “I don’t want you to forget me.”

Steve’s heart was practically caving in on itself. Bucky was clearly regretting every second of this and now there wasn’t anything he could do. HYDRA surrounded them with guns, eyes and knives. If Bucky was trying to search for another way out of this he clearly wasn’t seeing one because all he did was squeeze Steve’s hand and whine against Steve’s collar bone.

“We don’t have all day, Rogers!” Rumlow grumbled. “Get it over with. You’ll be much happier.”

Steve, terrified and feeling rather abandoned, moved toward the chair. He sat down, never taking his eyes off Bucky’s face.

“Steve!” Bucky shouted. Men were running at him as he took a step forward.

“Restrain him!” Rumlow ordered.

Bucky growled, resisting the men who took hold around his arms. He smashed one into the wall and headbutted another.

“Bucky, no!” Steve commanded.

Bucky froze.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Steve repeated again. “I’m gonna save you.”

“What?” Rumlow shouted. “Save ‘em from what, Rogers?”

“Sir,” the doctor said as he hovered with his hand in front of Steve’s mouth, holding a mouth guard.

“Shove it in his mouth and get this over with!” Rumlow barked, throwing his hands up in the air.

Steve let the man put the piece of rubber in his mouth. He watched the guards back away from Bucky, but they kept their guns trained on him. His heart was several beats away from exploding as he continued to fix his gaze on Bucky’s body. His shoulders were slumped, mouth open, eyes wide with heavy tears cascading down the curves of his cheeks.  

Bucky was crying freely, dropping to his knees now.

Steve knew it was the worst thing to feel, but he was relieved. Bucky _was_ regretting this. It was too late in his mind but he didn’t know Steve’s side. He didn’t know that Steve already had a plan to save him. This would all be okay, as long as Steve’s memories weren’t scrambled by this machine he was now being pressed back into.

“Turn it on!”

“Sir!” another voice called out. “We’ve got movement outside!”

Rumlow growled, coming over to one of the computers and looking down at what the guard was seeing. “Christ.” He took out his gun, pointed it at Bucky, and fired.

Steve’s eyes widened in horror as Bucky’s frame fell face-forward into the cement floor; a blood-curdling scream ripping from the bowels of Steve’s stomach.

Bucky didn’t scream. He didn’t gasp. He’d fallen silently, almost like he’d weighed nothing.

“BUCKY!” Steve screamed again, lurching from the chair and crushing his fist into the man with the lab coat’s face, making him fly backwards. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Steve was so close to getting Bucky back! If Bucky was really dead… If Bucky was dying right now… Steve made it two paces before he heard the loud boom of a gun’s barrel.

Rumlow took several shots at Steve, piercing his collarbone and gut. Steve crumbled to the floor, still attempting to crawl toward Bucky’s still body. His stomach had gone ice cold and his collar pulsed like someone was shoving thousands of needles into his skin. He could feel his heart slamming erratically beneath his sternum as a high-pitch shrieking sound berated his ears. He had to reach Bucky… He had to know if he was alive!

“You honestly think your little Avengers can save you? You know what my orders were, Rogers?” Rumlow called as he moved to step on Steve’s back. He pressed into the spine, forcing Steve to let out a howl in pain.

“Bu- Bucky,” Steve gasped out. He reached out, barely able to reach Bucky’s lifeless fingers. He didn’t care what Rumlow was saying. He was so close. Bucky was there on the floor and he’d regretted what was happening and now he was dying or dead and Steve had been _so fucking close_!

“To put down Barnes once we got you,” Rumlow finished icily. “You were gonna be the new face of HYDRA, Rogers.”

Steve felt anger course through his veins, heating his body and momentarily soothing the pain that was pulsing in his stomach. He groaned, trying to stretch out his fingers so he could touch Bucky, to feel any sign of life in that body. “Bu…cky…” He’d been so close. This was supposed to end here!

Rumlow pressed down harder into Steve’s spine, ripping a shriek from Steve as his gut was pressed into the cement. “Pierce is dead. We’ve got a new boss and he wasn’t too fond of this idea. He let it play out and I think it’s time we just scrap the whole thing. The Asset Program was getting dull.” He put a barrel of a gun to Steve’s head. That’s when Steve finally decided he’d had enough of Rumlow’s existence.

He rolled his body, forcing Rumlow to readjust his bearings. Steve grunted, taking a stand and ushering a roundhouse kick into Rumlow’s face.

Rumlow groaned, catching Steve’s leg and twisting hard, making Steve shriek out as he had to roll into the twist. He fell back onto the floor, gasping as blood sputtered from his wounds. He’d kill this man. He’d destroy Rumlow’s very existence for what he’d done to Bucky.

Rumlow straddled Steve, pulling at his hair and slamming his face into the cement over and over again. Pain exploded against Steve’s face, igniting first in his nose, then his forehead. He could see through blurring vision the cement getting redder and redder.

Steve whipped his shoulders violently, forcing Rumlow off and rolling on top of him. He couldn’t possibly fight this man standing up, not with the wounds in his body, but he could probably get a few punches in edgewise if he just pinned him down.

Steve straddled Rumlow, bringing his fist down once before he felt hands pulling at his shoulders and ripping him from Rumlow. HYDRA agents were forcing him down, twisting their gloved fingers into his hair and pressing arms against his shoulders.

He growled, staring murderous intent into Rumlow as he watched the man spit out a mouthful of blood.

“Not so tough are ya, Cap?” Rumlow took out his gun and pressed it between Steve’s brows.

Something exploded not far away. Steve wasn’t sure if he’d been shot and this is how death felt or if someone had broken down the wall.

“That’s not very nice,” a familiar voice called into the room, amplified by speakers.

_‘Tony…’_

“Fire at will!” Rumlow barked as he picked Steve up, using him as a shield before discarding Steve’s bleeding out body and taking cover behind some crates.

Tony flew around the room, using his arc reactors to shoot beams of energy at the HYDRA guards.

“Whooooo!” Sam shouted as he flew into the room, revealing two semi-automatic guns and releasing a hail of bullets.

Steve slid up a wall, sitting against it. He wheezed as he tried to force air back into his lungs. His wounds were crying out violently, sending twangs of icy-hot pain into his panicked nerves. Bucky was out there, completely exposed and bleeding! Steve had to get to him. He had to cover him from the bullets that were now flying around the room like leaves in a windstorm.

“So much for Plan A!” Tony called over at Steve before shooting a pulse right into a HYDRA agent’s face.

Steve tried to smile but he groaned instead. Looking down at his wounds, he winced. He needed medical attention, but Bucky… Bucky hadn’t moved.

An arrow whizzed above Steve before embedding itself into an agent who’d been coming at Steve. The man dropped his gun in a clatter, slipping to the floor. Steve looked up, seeing Clint up in the rafters. He smiled. At least Clint wasn’t half-assing this, willing participant or not.

“Is Bucky alive?” Sam shouted over a hail of gunfire. He twisted his body in the air, shooting himself down to pick up an agent and throwing him directly into one of the large crates. The crate exploded, revealing packaging and sheets of what looked like metal. Blood started to slip from the agent’s head as he slumped to the floor against the crate.

Steve looked at the brunette on the floor. He pushed himself up against the wall, letting his body get its bearings before wavering on his feet. He attempted to jog to Bucky, but when his feet didn’t seem to reach the ground correctly, he started to waddle, then fell, then crawled the rest of the way before collapsing over Bucky’s body. There were too many bullets. Steve had to make sure Bucky didn’t get shot again. He’d take a thousand bullets if it meant Bucky could get out of this alive. They’d come so far. Steve wouldn’t go back. He wouldn’t give up on Bucky. Not ever.

“Steve, what’s his status!” Tony requested as he blasted through heavy crates and boxes, clearly searching for someone.

Sam flew around the room, scanning for any surviving agents.

Steve flipped Bucky around, pulling him into his chest. He pushed his fingers against the pulse in Bucky’s neck. Relief crashed into Steve’s lungs, letting him breathe, and calm his fried nerves. It was weak, but Bucky had a pulse. Bucky was alive! He’d been shot in the chest, but slightly to the right. The wound was big and he was losing blood but he was alive! “Don’t you d-die on me, Buck!” Steve whispered. “D-don’t you fuckin’ die…”

Sam dropped Clint off on the ground, disengaging his wings and jogged up to Steve. “He alive?!”

“Barely,” Steve responded.

“Shit, Steve,” Sam breathed out. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

“We can’t take Bucky to…” Steve paused as a rush of dizziness wafted into his senses. He almost dropped Bucky from the cradle he’d made in his arms but Clint’s hand came down on his shoulder to steady him. “Can’t do hospitals.”

“I’ll take Barnes to Bruce,” Tony said as he descended. “Get Steve to a damn hospital!”

“Where’s Rumlow?” Steve asked.

“Gone,” Sam relinquished with a wince. “We can’t figure out where he went.”

“There’s a secret door in here,” Tony added. “Fucking HYDRA and secret doors…”

“No time!” Clint barked. “Let’s get Bucky and Steve outta here!”

“The ma-machine!” Steve gasped. “We need it. Bucky…”

“We’ll take care of it, big guy,” Tony cooed. “You need a doctor.”

Sam gently scooped Steve up into his arms. “Man you’re heavy.” Together they lifted up into the sky.

Steve tried to look back but his vision was blurring. This better not have been for nothing. They needed those machines if they were ever going to bring Bucky back to himself. If HYDRA somehow got them back, if this play started to crawl with agents and they’d lose it… Steve could never get Bucky back. They were so close. So fucking close! He whimpered against Sam’s chest, clutching at his stomach as pain seared into his nerves, dumping out into his veins and drowning his brain. All of this couldn’t have been for nothing. Steve refused to let this go to waste. He’d died for nothing once, he had no intentions of doing that again.

He closed his eyes, letting the howling of the wind fill his mind. This wasn’t over yet, they just had to switch to a Plan B.

* * *

 

When Steve woke, he was nestled beneath several hospital blankets, propped up against two pillows and had two guests in his room. He offered a tired smile at Sharon looking over to the much bigger man who was at her side. “Who’s this guy?” Steve croaked out.

“Backup,” Sharon answered simply. “We’re under orders to watch you.”

Steve nodded, looking down at the handcuffs that kept him to the bed. “Handcuffs?”

“You with us or against us?” Sharon asked.

“I’m just tryin’ to save Bucky.”

“Which makes you dangerous, Steve!” Sharon cried out. “Bucky is a live HYDRA agent!”

“Not anymore,” Steve mumbled. “You should’ve…seen him.”

“What?” Sharon took a step closer to the bed.

“Rumlow was under orders to kill Bucky.” His voice was trembling, a lump forming in the back of his throat. Bucky was alive or at least Steve hoped he was but that had been the order. HYDRA had no use for Bucky anymore. He wondered if Bucky was even aware of that or if he’d passed out before he’d heard Rumlow’s bitter words. “Even before that, I think Bucky was gonna try to fight against them.”

“Jesus, Steve…”

“He’s alive,” Steve answered before Sharon could offer any more false sympathy. “But I ain’t tellin’ you where he is.”

Sharon folded her arms over her chest. “If he’s with any of the Avengers, we know where he is.”

“Is this an appropriate time for me to ask if I can renegotiate my terms with the CIA?” Steve asked with a smug smile. “Like quitting?” He sat up in the bed, feeling his wound in his stomach protest wildly. “Fuck!”

Sharon offered a deadpanned look. “Steve…”

“I mean, I shouldn’t be forced to work with them right? That’s against the law. I’m still an American.”

“Steeeeve,” Sharon grumbled. She rolled on her heels, staring up at the ceiling with a huge sigh.

“So, logically, I can quit any time I want, right?” He gingerly touched at his clavicle, feeling it thrum softly with pain. Both wounds were entirely too fresh but Steve had to get back to Bucky! It wasn’t just his desire, it was a God damned desperate, frenzy-induced necessity. Steve wasn’t himself without Bucky. That much had been evident when he spent his first few years just going through the motions of existing, but never really living. He’d lost himself when Bucky fell. He needed Bucky to be complete again.

Hell, he’d even take Bucky as he was now! Sure, he was different. Sure, some of the things he did Steve could never forgive, but this was Bucky now. HYDRA had made him this way, and Steve could spend the rest of his life just slowly showing Bucky that it was okay not to be with HYDRA. Showing Bucky that it was okay to be who he was and that he didn’t have to be “James Barnes.” Being Bucky was okay. Steve would take Bucky any way he could find him now.

He just needed him alive.

The man with the muscles stood up, walking over to Sharon. She ignored him. “Yes, you can quit,” she spoke begrudgingly.

“I quit. I think the Avengers are gonna be a full-time gig and I can’t possibly put myself in both places at once.”

“I swear to God, Steve, if you’re doing this all because of Bucky…”

Steve attempted to hold up his hands in surrender but the handcuffs kept his hands against the railing of the bed. “I’m doing this because the Avengers need me. We work best as a team. _And_ Bucky.”

Sharon walked over to the bed, reaching into her pocket and producing a key. “You’re aware that we have orders, regardless of who gives you your paychecks, that if you go rogue, that if you pose as a threat, that if you do absolutely anything that could endanger the US people, we’re supposed to take you out, right?”

Steve flashed a smile, wiggling his fingers as he watched Sharon undo the cuffs. “Yes ma’am.”

“Please don’t make me regret this, Steve,” Sharon breathed out. “Bucky better be worth it.”

“He will be. We’re so close to getting him back, Sharon. I promise.” He sat up, wincing as pain bloomed in his gut. “They took the bullet out, right?”

“And sewed you back up,” Sharon supplied with a nod. “But you shouldn’t be up and moving yet.”

“Can’t stop now. My boyfriend needs his memories back.”

Sharon rolled her eyes. “Don’t make me regret this!” she shouted once more as Steve stumbled out of the room, using the walls as additional balance. He needed to get back to the DC safehouse. He needed to make sure Bucky was okay. Without Steve there and from the confusion at the warehouse, Steve was sure Bucky was scared. He needed a face that offered concern and compassion, not distrust and scrutiny. Steve hoped he could get there before Bucky woke up…

* * *

 

It’d taken a lot longer than Steve had wanted, but he’d finally arrived, still in his hospital gown and barefoot. He’d gotten so many looks of concern on the streets and from the taxi driver, but apparently when a person walked down the street with a face as tight as Steve’s and decked out in hospital garb, people tended to give you a wide berth. He banged on the door frantically.

Maria opened it. “Oh no!” she protested, holding up a finger. “You should be in a fucking hospital bed!”

“Where’s Bucky?”

Maria opened the door, letting Steve in. “On the couch.”

Steve walked into the living room. Bruce was over Bucky, finishing up some stitches and looking rather calm. Steve assumed that could only be described as good. Relief flooded into his veins, filling him up till he felt like he was floating. Bucky was alive. Bruce was taking care of him and the Avengers were around to protect him, despite their opinions. Steve knew they weren’t 100% pro-Bucky, and Steve supported their reasons but once they got Bucky’s memories back, everything could be okay and the Avengers could really meet the real Bucky. They wouldn’t have to worry anymore and everything would be fixed!

“Steve,” Natasha sighed out, rolling her eyes. “We should’ve been there to sit on your chest.”

“That sounds sexy,” Steve joked. “How is he?”

Natasha leaned against her crutches. “Alive. Stable. He’ll be fine.”

“Thank fucking God,” Steve breathed. He hovered over the couch, watching Bruce snip the stitches and lean back, still looking over Bucky like a concerned parent. Steve’s heart was singing, crying out and practically dancing. Bucky would be okay. They’d get through this and they could proceed with the plan. Bucky would be Bucky again. While he didn’t mind who Bucky was now, if there was still a chance to get his memories back, Steve would fight for that. Bucky deserved to know who he was. He deserved to know how they used to go to corner hot dog stands and have hot dog eating competitions. He deserved to know how many punches he took for Steve when Steve was too dumb to stay away from a fight. He deserved to remember their first kiss, their first time making love. He deserved to remember all of it.

“The CIA’s holding down the warehouse till they can get the machinery transported out,” Tony said, walking up to Steve’s side. “By the way, your ass is hanging out.”

Steve turned around, seeing his naked ass. He felt a flush of heat penetrate his cheeks as he stepped back into the wall. “I’ll go upstairs and change.”

“Heard you quit with the CIA,” Maria piped up. “Most people work their whole lives to get a gig like that and you ended it in record timing.”

Steve backed away from living room, from Bucky. He whimpered, watching Bucky’s chest rise and fall in even rhythms. Bucky was okay. Steve would stop feeling like his nerves were one second away from short-circuiting now. Bucky was going to be okay. “Wasn’t my cup of tea,” Steve responded as he walked backwards and into the foyer. He closed his gown around his ass, wondering how many pictures of it would be on the internet by morning. Oh well.

He’d do it again if it meant seeing Bucky.

He stumbled sloppily into his room, pressing against his gut wound. He clenched his teeth, looking down as his wound pulsed painfully. He sat on the bed, taking in deep gulps of air. He should be resting. Once he got clothed, he’d go back downstairs and sit with Bucky. He wouldn’t let his body relax a moment before. So, he stood up, cursing under his breath as his body felt like someone was digging daggers into his stomach. He slipped on some sweatpants, uncaring about briefs and found a blue shirt to throw over his shoulders. Gingerly, he let the fabric slide over his body, wincing as it brushed against his wound. Despite the bandages, his nerves were on fire and any bit of movement or contact sent a searing flash of pain right up to Steve’s brain, flashing white in his eyes.

He walked back down the stairs slowly, using the wall as additional support. Sam came up to him, slinging an arm under him. “You gonna be good?” he asked.

“I’ll stop moving once I’m with him,” Steve responded through clenched teeth.

Sam nodded, helping Steve over to Bucky on the couch. “Lift his head,” he requested of Clint.

Clint lifted up Bucky’s head, letting Steve slip under with a soft groan. Despite the movements and shuffling, Bucky didn’t wake. His lips were parted softly, but they were bright and red; alive.

Steve smiled, stroking his fingers through brown locks of hair. He focused on his breathing, trying to slow it down so he didn’t keep jutting his stomach out too far to agitate his gut wound. He ran his fingers over Bucky’s jawline, feeling the stubble against the pads of his fingers.

“You gonna sleep there?” Maria asked, crossing her arms.

“I’m not leaving him,” Steve responded curtly. He narrowed his eyes at her, challenging her to press the topic further.

She seemed to resign herself, because she dropped her arms with a huff and walked into the kitchen with Nat and Bruce. Steve could faintly hear their voices from here.

“So CIA’s got the warehouse on lockdown?” Steve asked, looking over at Sam, finally ripping his gaze from Bucky’s face.

“Yup,” he said, popping the “p.”

Steve nodded, returning his focus to Bucky. “Why’s he passed out?”

“Lost a lot of blood lying on the floor in the gunfight. Banner had to dig out some shrapnel,” Sam detailed somberly. “Rumlow’s gun wasn’t just loaded with bullets.”

Steve had to fight the urge to coil his fingers into a fist. He was with Bucky now. Rumlow was gone and the only person he’d hurt would be Bucky if he let his anger get the better of him. Disdain flowed freely through his body, rocking into his organs and turning his bones to steel. When he found Rumlow again… He’d murder him. He’d absolutely without a doubt murder him. “But he’s fine now?”

“He’s just sleeping. Gotta let his body replenish itself,” Sam said as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “But, Steve… What’re we gonna do with him? You’re here and Nat’s alive.”

Steve rolled in his lips. He hadn’t thought about that. If Bucky found out Steve had been lying to him there was sure to be some kind of altercation. He had to deal with this delicately. “Don’t let Nat come in here when Bucky looks like he’s gonna wake. I need to explain this to him calmly.”

“We should move you both back upstairs,” Tony said as he walked into the room. “I’m sure your super soldier hearing can detect a fart in the basement.”

Steve snorted. “It doesn’t really work like that, but…that was still funny.”

Tony flashed a smile. “What can I say, I like to lighten up tense situations.” He sat at the piano, leaning back against its covered keys. “Okay so, move you?”

Steve sucked in a deep breath, wincing when his wounds protested. “I’d rather not.”

“You gonna sleep there? Like that?” Sam questioned, his brows jutting up his forehead.

Steve looked to Bucky again, running his along the man’s hairline softly. “I won’t sleep. Not till I talk to him.”

“I’d prefer him contained,” Tony said.

“He’s not a fucking animal,” Steve spat, glaring at Tony heatedly. “He’s my lover and he’s _scared._ You should’a seen him at the warehouse! He was fighting his programming! He didn’t want that anymore.”

“Whaddya think he’ll be like now?” Sam inquired, cocking his head to the side. “Guy got shot by his own team.”

“His handler,” Steve said, filling in a blank he wasn’t sure if Sam knew or not. “That’s gonna leave a mark on him. Regardless of how he just felt, he’s still loyal to HYDRA. It’s gonna upset him.”

“I’ll solve this problem,” Natasha said as she swayed into the room. “I’ll bunker down in a hotel with Clint and Maria. It’ll be better that way for him. Just make sure you put some tripwire around the house.” She flashed a teasing smile but Steve wasn’t laughing. No one was.

Steve hated to even entertain the idea, but Nat had a point. If Bucky reacted violently, if he protested any of this… Steve would have to subdue him.

“Sounds like a smart idea,” Sam commented. “I’ll stay down here with them tonight.”

“Sam–” Steve began.

“No, no.” Sam put up a hand in protest. “If you’re not sleeping, then I’m not sleeping.”

Steve looked at him for a long, hard moment before finally sighing and nodding in acceptance. He offered a small smile, but it was wobbly against his lips and felt foreign. He felt uncomfortable flashing a smile when Bucky still wasn’t out of the woods yet. Not when he wasn’t …himself yet.

“I’ll grab the tripwire,” Tony said. Steve wasn’t entirely sure if he was joking or not, but he walked out of the room and headed upstairs.

“Steve,” Sam said, penetrating Steve’s thoughts. “Get some sleep. If you need anything let me know and I’ll grab it for you. Pee break or–”

“Sam,” Steve cut in. “I’ll let you know.”

Sam smiled, nodding softly. “Alright, man.”

Bucky had started mumbling in his sleep about an hour after Nat, Clint and Maria left. The words were incoherent and Steve couldn’t be sure if he’d spoken Russian or not, but at least he was showing signs of finally waking. Steve didn’t mind watching him sleep though. Bucky didn’t look like an innocent angel when he slept, but he looked like _Bucky_ , like nothing had ever happened and they were still two dumb kids running around Brooklyn. Like he’d wake up, ask Steve if he needed anything before he started his shift at the docks.

Sam had suggested Steve sleep at least thirty-seven times, Steve had been counting. They’d left the TV on, turning it low so they had something to fill the silence. Neither of them really felt like talking and Steve was thankful he could watch the news to pass the time. He did have to get up to go to the bathroom once. It’d stirred Bucky, but Bucky had simply groaned in protest before his eyes fluttered shut again.

It wasn’t till about three in the morning that he really opened his eyes and started looking around. “Steve?”

“Hey,” Steve crooned, running his fingers through Bucky’s hair like he’d done throughout the entire night. Sam scooted forward, but he kept quiet.

Bucky looked around, furrowing his brow. “W-where are we?” His voice was hoarse.

“DC safehouse.”

Bucky blinked a few times, his tongue running back and forth along his lips. “Where’s Rumlow?”

“He shot you, or don’t you remember that?” Sam supplied sardonically.

“Sam,” Steve hissed, a gentle warming but a warning nonetheless.

Sam put his hands up in surrender.

“What?” Bucky croaked.

“His orders were to kill you after HYDRA got me,” Steve detailed. “So once I was in the chair, he took out his gun and shot you in the chest. Banner got the bullet and shrapnel out of you.”

Bucky swallowed thickly, gurgling slightly in the back of his throat. Steve wasn’t sure if he was stifling a groan or a sob. His big, blue eyes were dry but they were still glassy, like he wasn’t entirely grasping the circumstances.

“How’d we get here?” he asked softly.

Steve smiled, settling back a bit. “The Avengers came to the rescue. Got our asses out of there before things got worse.”

“So you’re still you?” Bucky asked, balling up his fingers in Steve’s shirt, tugging the fabric like a child clinging to their parent.

“Yeah, Buck. I’m still me.”

Bucky let out a gasp, smiling in astonishment. “Thank fucking God. Steve, I didn’t…I changed my mind.”

“I know you did,” Steve answered. He wanted to curl into Bucky but his stomach wouldn’t let him. “I saw.”

Bucky tried to sit up, but he gasped, his body tensing atop of Steve as he collapsed back down.

“Gotta stay still, baby,” Steve cooed. “Your chest needs healing.”

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Bucky cried softly, tears now filling his eyes. “I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

“You didn’t do anything!” Steve protested, feeling lead fill his heart, weighing him down. “You didn’t know any better.”

“HYDRA wants me dead,” Bucky said, trying out the words as if he couldn’t really understand them. “I don’t wanna die, Steve!” He grabbed at Steve’s shirt again, pulling forcefully.

Steve winced, feeling his spine curl as Bucky pulled at him desperately. “You’re not dying, Bucky! I’m not letting you.”

“But HYDRA wants me dead!” he wailed. “I have to!”

Steve’s heart chilled over, his blood turning to thick sludge in his veins. Bucky was still loyal…even after all that. “No, Bucky…you don’t.”

Sam crossed his arms, but he said nothing. His face told Steve everything he already knew. They needed to get Bucky’s memories back somehow. They needed that chair. It was a shame there’d been only one doctor at the warehouse and now that doctor lay dead in a morgue. Steve wouldn’t lose sleep over it, but it still meant there was an additional step in figuring out the HYDRA tech for Tony and Bruce.

Bucky was whimpering into Steve’s abdomen, pressing his face into Steve’s bandaged wound. He clung to the fabric of Steve’s shirt, pulling at the threads and loosening it awkwardly so it didn’t sit right on his body anymore.

Steve suppressed the urge to groan out in pain as Bucky’s nose hit against the bullet wound. “Bucky, I’m not letting HYDRA kill you.”

“You don’t have a choice!” Bucky cried out. “I have to die, Steve!”

Steve’s fingers were trembling. His heart struggled to chug along in his chest; being pumped with dread and terror. Bucky was so sure his life was at an end. Steve wasn’t sure how much of this was brainwashing or programming but it was horrifying to watch.

Bucky curled into Steve as best as he could, sobbing freely.

Steve didn’t know what to say. He stroked his fingers through Bucky’s hair, sending Sam a pleading look as desperation clung to his lungs, making it hard to breathe. Steve was sure he’d throw himself into an asthma attack if he felt like this for much longer. He wheezed with each breath, struggling against the tears welling in his eyes. Bucky was frightened and completely convinced that he had to die! What made it so much worse was despite his protests he was saying he had no choice, that this was it and there was no workaround. HYDRA had coiled their lies so far into Bucky’s very being, into his every nerve and artery that Bucky couldn’t imagine a world where HYDRA didn’t dictate his every move. Everything he’d done till this point, he’d done for HYDRA, complications with his feelings for Steve aside, it had all been for HYDRA.

“Bucky,” Steve said firmly. “You’re not ever going back to HYDRA. You’re not dying. No one is killing you. I won’t let you go back.”

“Steve–”

“No!” Steve cut him off. “You listen to me.” He wrapped his fingers into Bucky’s hair, forcing the man to lock his gaze with Steve’s. “I was planning to take you away from them even before I agreed to get my memories wiped. We’ve been planning this all along. You are Bucky Barnes and I’m going to get your memories back even if it kills me.”

“Steve,” Sam warned, but Steve dismissed him with a glare.

“I know you, Bucky.”

Bucky stared up at Steve, his eyes round and glassy. He seemed to struggle to find words to say, because his mouth kept twitching but he didn’t say anything back.

“I’d know these fingers anywhere,” Steve said, gentler this time. He picked Bucky’s hand up, pressing kisses against the knuckles. “I’d know this freckle on your wrist anywhere.” He kissed at it, looking down at Bucky who still seemed to be reeling in shock. “I. Know. You.”

“I won’t betray them,” Bucky whispered softly. “I won’t.”

Sam gasped and Steve knew exactly what the other was thinking, for he was thinking it too. “Won’t” wasn’t “can’t.” Bucky wouldn’t betray them because it was his choice. If he couldn’t betray them, it was against his very programming. Which meant only one thing…

Bucky didn’t need to be reprogrammed. He couldn’t be reprogrammed. It had been Bucky’s choice this entire time.

Steve felt like he was trapped in a tidal wavel. His ears were roaring and he wasn’t sure if the world was spinning too fast or if he was suffocating. His heart seemed to forget how to beat as it frantically bounced against his chest. His limbs were trembling and he was pretty sure he had tears slipping from his eyes but he’d momentarily lost the ability to feel anything other than thousands of fingers pressing against his skin, poking and pulling at him as he stared at Bucky’s face.

“Why not?” he finally uttered, hollow and terrified. “After everything they’ve done to you.”

Bucky looked to his feet, sniffing. “Because I owe them my life.”

Steve felt an arrow pierce his heart, ripping it from his chest and pinning it to the wall. He felt his lungs squeeze and his bones shake. “Y-you owe? You owe?” he sputtered. “Bucky! They’ve tortured you! They’ve messed with your memories and destroyed who you were!”

That’s when Bucky finally rolled off him, kneeling on the floor and grabbing at his chest as he stood up. “They made me better!” he shouted back. “I was nothing when they found me!”

“When they found you?” Steve yelled back, he struggled to stand but he wavered, gritting his teeth and stepping forward. Sam stood, watching them with careful eyes. Steve was pretty sure Sam could take Bucky so long as Bucky’s wound bothered him as much as Steve’s wounds were bothering him.

“Yes!” Bucky screamed back. “I was alone and freezing and…and they found me!”

“Where were you Bucky?!” Steve kept shouting, feeling his heartbeat hasten as he realized Bucky was pulling his memories back on his own. If Steve could just force him to keep remembering this, keep recalling it…maybe…just maybe…

“I was…” But Bucky broke off, staring at Steve as if he’d never seen him before. “You’re distracting me. I need to go.”

Steve stepped forward, grabbing Bucky’s wrist. “They’ll kill you!”

“I deserve it!” Bucky snapped back, tearing his wrist from Steve’s grasp. “I failed them. I failed them with you, with Romanov, with everything. I’m _defected_.”

Steve let a whine echo into the room. “Bucky! You’re not defected!” He took a step forward, but Bucky took two steps back.

Sam was slowly moving in on Bucky, silent and keeping his face void of any tell.

“You don’t owe HYDRA anything!” Steve continued. “You don’t owe anyone anything, baby! This is your life!”

“Stop it!” Bucky yelled, pressing his back against the wall. “I’m not your fucking baby! I’m not _him_ , Steve!”

“You used to be!” Steve yelled back, throwing his hands wildly. “You used to wait for me by the baseball fields after you got done with practice every day so you could keep the other kids from jumping me!”

“No I didn’t!” Bucky wailed. He slumped against the wall, staring at his feet. He was grabbing at the molding along the wall, Steve could see how his flesh fingers trembled; heard the metal hand flutter and whirl.

“You’d get me out of every scrap I got my dumbass self into!”

Bucky lunged at Steve, pushing him back and sending him crashing down into the couch. “Fuck off, Rogers!”

Sam was on Bucky instantly, pulling at his arms and trying to restrain him.

Bucky growled, leaning forward and sending Sam over his back and against the couch. “I’m not your fucking boyfriend!”

Steve was panting heavily, brow permanently furrowed as he glared up at Bucky. “Then what are you, Bucky?”

Bucky stumbled back, sucking his lips into his mouth as anguish etched into his eyes. “I’m…”

“The fuck!” Tony said as he ran down the stairs with Banner. He held out his hand and his Iron Man arm wrapped around it not a second after. “Stand down, Barnes.”

“I’m not Bucky Barnes!”

“What’s so bad about being him?” Steve cried. “Bucky was my best friend and the love of my life! What’s wrong with being that guy?”

Bucky was trembling violently. Each breath he took rattled in his chest and he was exhaling sharp wheezes. His wound was hurting him, it was evident now. “Because…” he wailed out. “Because I can’t go back to being him. Not after everything I’ve done.”

“Shit,” Tony breathed out.

Steve’s body went rigid. Pins and needles pressed against his spine, spreading from his shoulders down into the tips of his toes and fingers like skittering bugs. His throat fluttered around a lump that lodged itself so deep that when the whine finally did rip from his throat, it was gurgled and thick. “Y-you…” he choked out. “You know?”

Bucky stood there, panting and wheezing as he grabbed at his chest. He dipped his chin once, but it was all Steve needed to see.

“Then why…”

“It’s better if you remember me how I was,” Bucky responded, barely above a whisper. “It’s just better this way.”

“Do you remember everything?” Steve asked tightly, feeling the lump pressing against his tongue. He felt like he’d start choking at any minute.

“Maybe,” Bucky answered. “But I remember, that I’m me. But I don’t want to anymore.”

“Why not?” Tony asked.

“Because I don’t deserve to be this fucking flawless guy you’ve painted Barnes out to be!” Bucky cried out bitterly, flicking his wrist pointedly at Steve. “I’m not this savior you keep tellin’ me I was!”

“Bucky,” Steve ventured. “I’m not asking you to be a savior.”

“That’s all you ever talk about!” Bucky yelled, taking a step back. Sam was right behind him though, ready for anything. “You’re always going on about how I’d save you from some jackass in an alley or some kid in the park! I’m not that guy, Steve! I can’t be that guy anymore!”

“I don’t need you to be,” Steve whispered, holding his hands out as he took a step toward Bucky. “I’m not asking you to be anything other than who you are.”

“I can’t let myself remember anymore,” Bucky wailed in defeat. “It hurts too much.”

Steve nodded, he took another step closer and then another till he was wrapping his arms around Bucky’s shoulders and letting the man cry freely into him. Tony breathed out a sigh of relief, but Steve wasn’t ready to call this over. Bucky didn’t want to be Bucky anymore. Where’d that leave them? He held Bucky, ignoring the pain that surged in his wounds and trying desperately to stifle the sobs that started wrecking the back of his throat. A flash of white and a shriek of pain was the only indication that he’d collapsed onto the floor with Bucky still in his arms. His shirt was soaking from the ferocity of Bucky’s sobs but Steve couldn’t bring himself to even attempt calming Bucky down. How’d you calm a man down who after so long of being told he was nothing, that he was the very thing he’d been lying and pretending to be? How’d you soothe a man’s soul that had been twisted and bent away from its very will and forced to commit evil in the name of “peace” when it was anything but?

You didn’t. So Steve stayed silent.

* * *

 

Only until Bucky started to hiccup and his sobs subsided into snotty sniffles did Steve even venture to speak again. He ran his fingers up and down Bucky’s back, feeling the back of his ribs poke from the skin and the vertebrae of his spine jut out like jagged mountains. “Do you wanna go back to HYDRA?”

Bucky spat out a dark laugh. “Fuck HYDRA.”

Steve couldn’t stop the smile that curled at his lips. “What do you wanna do then?”

“I don’t know, Steve,” Bucky responded hopelessly. “Part of me wants to take a gun and shoot myself and the other parts want so many different things.”

“Maybe we can talk them through?” Steve offered, sitting back on his heels to look Bucky over. His face was red from how hard he’d cried, his eyes bloodshot and he looked so, so tired.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Bucky mumbled, looking away from Steve. “I’m still getting used to the idea that everything I knew with HYDRA was a lie.”

Steve groaned, standing up and offering a hand to Bucky. “When’d you start figuring that out?”

“At the warehouse,” Bucky responded, taking Steve’s hand. Together, they walked over to the couch. They say on opposite ends, but their feet were extended, hitting each other’s thighs. “I just saw you, but you were tiny and I was tellin’ you how I was goin’ off to war.” He paused, long enough for Steve to smile at the accent that started to creep back into Bucky’s voice. “You were so pissed you weren’t goin’ too.”

“That’s the memory that finally showed you who were? My skinny ass?”

Bucky tried to laugh, but it came out thick and gurgled. “Yeah. I don’t…I don’t remember everything. I don’t wanna remember everything, but bein’ with you doesn’t give me a choice.”

“What do you mean?” Steve asked cautiously.

“I look at you and I get these phantom smells. Like right now I’m smellin’ cotton candy and I swear I can hear that crappy music Coney Island used to play near the Ferris Wheel.”

Steve laughed, recalling the obnoxious organ music that played on repeat from open to close. “We used to ride that thing for hours.”

“I hated it, but it made you happy, so I’d deal.”

“You just remember that?”

“Sort of. It doesn’t really hit me like I suddenly remember, I just…” He furrowed his brow, licking along his top lip slowly. “It just becomes…” He huffed, trying to find the right words. “I guess it’s hard to explain. It’s just there and I don’t know how long its been there. Probably since the day it happened, but it’s not hitting me like a movie behind my eyes. I just know.”

“Is it scary?” Steve asked.

“It’s hard to explain,” Bucky answered. “I don’t want these memories, Steve.”

“Why not?” Steve asked, feeling his heart squeeze.

“I don’t deserve them.”

“Yes you do, Buck–”

“No, Stevie, I–”

Steve broke out into a smile, relishing the nickname that he’d been given so long ago.

“Oh don’t give me that look! I’m sure I’ve called you that since I’ve been back.”

“Maybe,” Steve shrugged. “But I don’t remember.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “You’re a punk, you know that?”

“Please keep reminding me,” Steve answered.

Bucky stood up, flailing his hands as he huffed extravagantly. “Why’re you makin’ this so difficult?”

“Why does it have to be difficult? Why can’t you just accept you’re you and that you had some bad shit happen–”

“Because I truly thought that shit was good! I honest to God thought I was doing great work for the right team and the good guys, Steve!” he cried out, waving his hands in frustration. “I killed for HYDRA. I believed in them and now remembering the war? You? The Red Skull? Fuck me, Steve!”

“You were brainwashed,” Steve interjected. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Bucky laughed bitterly. “I can’t decide how much brainwashing it was and just how much I wanted to believe I was doing something good. It’s the weirdest sensation, remembering you have memories and remembering a time when you didn’t think you had a life before. It’s like I’ve got two people livin’ in my head, Stevie.”

“We can work together on this,” Steve suggested softly.

“No,” Bucky snapped. “This is my cross. I ain’t lettin’ you carry it.”

“Bucky,” Steve groaned. “Let me help you.”

“I don’t want your fuckin’ help!” Bucky shouted, whirling around and facing Steve. His cheeks were still red and his eyes tired, but the glare he gave Steve sent Steve pressing back into the couch.

“So what? You’re just gonna walk out that door and do what?”

“For starters,” Bucky began. “I’m gonna track down my beloved handler and shove a Philip’s Head screwdriver up his nose.”

“That’s oddly specific,” Steve commented, tilting his head to the side.

“You don’t wanna know what I remember, Steve,” Bucky warned.

Steve felt his stomach tie itself in knots at the thought of what possibly Bucky could be remembering. “Then what?”

“Then…” Bucky sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Then I’m gonna figure out how to live with myself.”

“You could start by admitting you’re not at fault,” Steve admonished with a pointed look.

“I am at fault, Steve,” Bucky growled. “I held the gun. I heard the screams. Fuck, if you knew half the shit I did…” Bucky looked at the stairs, his eyes rounding as a whimper escaped his lips. “Fuck, Steve.”

Steve was pretty sure he was recalling another memory, but Steve didn’t know if he was allowed to even ask. The more Bucky remembered, the more frantic and distant he was becoming; angrier. Steve wouldn’t deny that Bucky was justified in feeling that way, but there was so much self-hatred that poured from Bucky like a river that Steve was practically drowning under it. Bucky wasn’t responsible for what he’d done. He’d been the weapon HYDRA used. A gun isn’t inherently evil. Bucky was the gun and HYDRA pulled the trigger. They’re the ones who made the choices, Bucky didn’t. Steve just didn’t know how to show that to Bucky.

“So…where does that leave you and me?” Steve asked finally. He wanted to avoid this elephant in the room, but his nerves could only take so much anxiety and right now, he felt so brittle that he’d combust into tiny dust particles if he tried to avoid it any longer.

Bucky’s shoulders slumped as he slowly licked at his lips. “Steve…”

“Don’t give me a bullshit excuse, Buck. I know you better than that.”

“You deserve better than me,” Bucky relinquished, crossing his arms delicately over his chest. He winced softly as he brushed over his wound. “I’m not the Bucky you remember, memories or not. I’ve got new memories and I can’t put this on you.”

Steve stood up, swallowing hard as his heart pounded heavily at his chest, like it was trying to burrow out and cling to Bucky desperately. “You’re not putting anything on me.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Jesus, Steve,” he drawled. “I’m breaking up with you. That’s that.”

Steve felt his heart flip as anger poured out of him like a dam slowly breaking. “Bullshit.”

“Cripes! You kidding me here, Rogers?” Bucky snapped, flabbergasted. “We’re over! I can’t be with you anymore!”

“Do you love me?” Steve asked, setting his jaw. “Do you?”

“Steve,” Bucky huffed out.

“Answer the God damned question, Barnes!”

Bucky closed his eyes, resting his hands against his hips. “You know I do.”

“Then why the fuck are we arguing over this?”

Bucky threw his hands up in the air. Exasperated, he said, “Because Steve, it’s not that fucking simple! We can’t just go back to the way it was before!”

“Who said I was asking for that?” Steve asked, finally standing up and taking a step toward Bucky.

“So what? I just join up with the Avengers and we play superheroes? You holdin’ me at night?”

Steve shrugged. “If you want.”

Bucky snorted. “You’re the most stubborn piece of…” He faltered, taking in a deep breath before closing his eyes. “Steve, I can’t stop till Rumlow’s dead. I can’t stop till I know they’re off my trail.”

Steve grabbed Bucky’s flesh hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Then let us help you, Bucky.”

Bucky looked so tired. His skin was pasty white and dark bags pooled beneath his eyes. His lips were quivering slightly as he sucked back air like each one could be his last. Steve’s heart wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. It’d been thrown through the ringer, squeezed, beaten and torn at how Bucky started to show himself again as the memories bled back into his body like they’d never been taken in the first place. For the most part, Steve had remained cool, arguing with Bucky over this but if this kept spinning around in circles, Steve would find himself crumbling away.

“Fine, Steve. Help me.”

Steve offered the tiniest smile, he moved to hug Bucky, but Bucky lurched back, shaking his head. “Bucky…” Steve whined.

“I’m not ready for that, Steve,” Bucky said, crossing his arms over his chest and wincing from the wound. “Shit…”

“Rumlow did a number on you,” Steve commented.

“It’s nothing compared to what I’ll do to him,” Bucky responded darkly.

Steve felt a rush of cold seep into his skin as terror weighed at his spine, forcing it to shiver and coil. Bucky had never been a frightening character before, but now, with his increased muscle mass, his arm and those eyes that’d seen so much, it was like Steve was looking at an entirely different person. Memories or not, Bucky Barnes was frightening when he was pissed off.

* * *

 

Tony had spent the vast majority of several days on the phone with Sharon as the CIA and all his resources were diverted to looking into Rumlow. Since HYDRA was a well-known terrorist group by this point, the CIA had no qualms with devoting some resources to assisting the Avengers take down a high-ranking HYDRA agent. Steve had done everything possible to give Bucky his space but Bucky constantly felt cornered and like he was suffocating. He’d sneak away into the bathroom as he’d suddenly think of a memory that was particularly emotionally draining and sob in the bathtub. He’d hear the small squeaks of the floorboards outside the door. He knew Steve was there listening but Bucky could never bring himself to ask Steve to come inside. How could he?Brainwashed by HYDRA or not, Bucky had been ordered to either convert or kill Steve. It tore at Bucky’s soul, shredding it into thousands of bloody pieces as guilt ravaged his body, slowing his movements and making everything that much more impossible to accomplish. He would have killed Steve for HYDRA, maybe. At this point he honestly didn’t know.

He’d mentioned it once, but Bucky really did feel like he had two people living in his head. He had the asset, naive and devoted to HYDRA and he had Bucky, the pissed off, angry WWII veteran who wanted to see all of HYDRA be thrown into a blender feet first so he could watch the expressions as they’d be ground up into nothing but bloody chunky goop.

It wasn’t like Bucky’s memories came back in a flood, like a movie playing on a screen. They simply…existed again. He could think about something and it’d be there, as if it’d never been gone in the first place. It was difficult to explain but once he started poking around in his head despite his better wishes, all his memories just seemed to happen. He wouldn’t even know they were there till he was catching himself thinking about it. He remembered everything.

Everything. HYDRA days included. He saw the faces of crying children, targets, Natasha as he took a shot right through her body (she wasn’t his target and it was the smallest bit of defiance he had which was the option to _not_ kill when it could be avoided.) It was like Bucky had been in there all along, like he was watching everything but never really _seeing_ it. And now, now he had to live with the guilt of the people he killed. Steve was right, he couldn’t blame himself entirely for his days with HYDRA but he could certainly blame himself for Peggy Carter.

He’d killed Peggy Carter. Asset or not, he’d still gone out of his way to end a life because that life was important to Steve. It was why Bucky couldn’t bring himself to let Steve touch him anymore. It was why he could barely look up and let Steve see his eyes. He was the murderer of Peggy Carter. He’d taken the knife across her throat. How Steve was even willing to let that pass was completely beyond Bucky, because Bucky was certainly never going to let it pass. Not now. Not anymore. Not when he now completely and fully understood why he’d killed her.

He was jealous.

It was jealousy that ravaged his body, plagued his heart and clogged his veins. His bones had trembled and his mind had become ensnared as thick, poisonous jealousy wove itself so heavily into his skin that he didn’t know where he ended and it began. With her eliminated, Steve was all his again and knowing everything that he did now, it was so pointless. Steve couldn’t have a life with Peggy, not in this century. They could talk and laugh but there could be no future. Peggy had been too old and Steve was now too young.

But Bucky had killed Peggy Carter.

Bucky dropped his head into his knees as he sat in the empty bathtub. He sniffed back a gulp of snot, uncaring that it was slow and thick against the back of his throat. He felt disgusting. He was disgusting. How Steve Rogers could look past Bucky’s trespasses and think a relationship was possible at this point? He’d always been stubborn but he’d never been stupid. This was stupid. Bucky couldn’t do this anymore. There was too much red on his ledger. He wasn’t worth Steve Rogers.

He wasn’t worth anything anymore.

“Bucky?” Steve called through the bathroom door.

Bucky winced. He hated hearing that voice. All it did was make his heart leap and his eyes well up with tears. He wanted Steve. He wanted Steve so badly his bones would start to hum and his muscles would tremble. But he was spoiled, rotten and putrid and Steve deserved so much more than that.

“Buck!”

“What?” Bucky spat back, louder than he should have.

“Tony’s got something. Wants you downstairs,” Steve mumbled.

Bucky stood from the bathtub. He grabbed at his chest wound, breathing heavily as the pain started to ebb away. The benefit of HYDRA was that he learned how to fight when he was practically dying. Bucky had taken bullets before and he’d always kept fighting. This was no different. He opened the door, looking at Steve’s feet as the blond moved back to give him space. Bucky appreciated how patient Steve was being, even if that patience was also mixed with annoyed sighs and frustrated whines. Bucky looked at Steve’s hands. He so badly wanted to take those hands in his and kiss them over and over till his lips bled.

Instead, he moved from Steve, completely ignoring him, like he didn’t exist. It still hurt too much. It would always hurt this much. Steve meant everything to Bucky and Bucky would never forgive himself for the pain he’d forced Steve to endure, the pain he was still going through. Steve could lie and rationalize all he wanted but Bucky knew him better than that. Steve was hurting from Peggy’s death. Bucky would always remind Steve of that day and the only way to remove that pain from Steve would be for Bucky to leave.

He just had to figure out how to make Steve let him go.

Downstairs, Bucky came up behind Tony, watching the man type away at one of his computers as he sat on the couch, cross-legged, with his spine curved as he leaned over toward the coffee table. “What’d you find?” Bucky asked.

“Rumlow’s been seen on a few security cameras. We’re not entirely sure where he is, but we’re assuming he’s within a ten mile radius of here,” Tony said as he pointed to the screen.

“Scotland? What’s he doing there?” Bucky asked as he looked at the screen.

“Satellite images haven’t picked up anything really, except that he’s been hanging out there.”

“I need to get there,” Bucky demanded, balling his fists up.

“You need backup,” Steve stated firmly. “You can’t go across the world alone.”

“Watch me,” Bucky growled, glaring at Steve’s knees. He wouldn’t dare look into those eyes.

Steve huffed, smacking his hands down on his thighs after throwing them up in the air. “This is non-negotiable, Bucky!”

“Like hell it is!” Bucky snapped back. “I’m the best fucking assassin the world has seen in modern history. You think I need backup for one target?”

“Your track record isn’t exactly spotless anymore. You failed to kill Fury, you failed to kill Nat and I’m not a mindless asset.”

Bucky’s breath hitched in the back of his throat. “Mindless?” he echoed, venom laced into the syllables. “You think I was a mindless asset?”

Steve stepped back, palming the wall behind him. “That’s…that’s not what I meant, Buck.”

“No, that’s exactly what you meant. I’m just someone’s rabid dog that needs to be put down.” Bucky wasn’t honestly upset. He understood what Steve meant. It wasn’t meant to be insulting but Bucky needed anything and everything to make Steve back up, to make him realize that Bucky wasn’t the man he was back before the war. He could never be that Bucky again. The other Bucky smiled so easily, laughed so loud and despite the hardship, he was always happy. Now, Bucky couldn’t find a reason to really smile and every laugh he uttered was laced in bitter tones and left him feeling like he was tasting ash in the back of his throat.

He brushed by Steve, heading into the closet to grab his Kevlar and began suiting up.

Steve forced the closet shut, dipping his head so Bucky’s gaze caught his. “I’m not letting you go alone.”

Bucky’s eyes stung as tears flowed against his eye rims. He closed his eyes, sighing heavily, forcing his chest to expand too wide, sending jolts of pain against his wound. “Steve…” he warned.

“I swear to God, Bucky, if you think you’re leaving me behind you’ve got another thing coming,” Steve shot back.

“What would you honestly do?” Bucky snapped back. He kept his focus acutely on the floor by Steve’s feet.

“Don’t make me resort to this,” Steve pleaded shortly. “I don’t wanna be the bad guy, Buck.”

“What would you do, Steve?” Bucky pressed.; nose wrinkling with a snarl

Steve sighed heavily, rolling his neck. “I’d fuckin’ lock you in a room with me till we worked through this.”

Bucky snorted, pulling open the closet with his metal arm so Steve’s weight couldn’t hold it closed anymore. Steve could never be the bad guy. Bucky had already claimed that title the day he brought a knife against Peggy Carter’s throat. How much pain had she suffered? Was she frightened? How did she feel, knowing Steve, Tony, Bruce, everyone was there and yet they couldn’t do anything for her? Bucky’s heart squeezed, forcing a whimper out of his lips as he pulled on his jacket. “Don’t follow me,” he ordered over his shoulder before walking back to Tony for the coordinates.

“How’re you gonna get there?” Steve asked, trailing behind him. “We’re the ones with the jet.”

“I’m flying him,” Natasha piped up.

Bucky quickly looked up to see the look of absolute betrayal on Steve’s face. He looked back down, grinding his teeth together to keep from whimpering. He was hurting Steve, he knew that. He knew Steve would be happy if he dropped the chip off his shoulder and just pretended like everything was okay, but that’s the problem. Nothing was okay. Bucky was a murderer and a liar. Nothing could remove that from his mind. He’d forever remember Peggy’s face as her eyes widened in shock when Bucky sliced through her throat. He’d forever remember the day he thought of putting a bullet between Steve’s eyes. He’d remember all of it forever, because these were _his_ memories and they belonged to him alone. No one was ever going to fuck with his head ever again. Ever.

Snarling, he walked toward the front door. Steve grabbed his wrist but he yanked away shouting, “Don’t fucking touch me!” He turned so fast he thought he’d imagined the whimper that escaped Steve’s throat, but he knew better. Steve was suffering and it was all Bucky’s fault.

Everything bad in Steve’s life was all Bucky’s fault.

* * *

 

It wasn’t hard to track Rumlow down. A few carefully phrased interviews with unsuspecting people, Natasha’s help and all the training HYDRA had given and Bucky found himself twirling a silencer in his hand as he sat atop a building adjacent to Rumlow’s position. Why Rumlow was out at a fancy dinner party celebrating was beyond Bucky. He’d failed his own mission when he left Bucky alive. It was a decision Bucky would make sure Rumlow would regret for the remaining hours of his life.

It’d only taken several days for Natasha and Bucky to find Rumlow but those days felt like months, dragging along and removing Steve further and further from Bucky’s life. Bucky missed falling asleep with his head against Steve’s chest. He missed the way Steve’s laugh rumbled in his stomach and he missed the way the man smelled when he’s brush his nose against his neck. He’d never pictured himself to be the one curling up into Steve’s arms, but maybe that was because once upon a time, Steve used to be the tiniest little thing and Bucky just wanted to protect him from the world. He wanted Steve to feel like he was the only thing that mattered and he’d do absolutely anything to make Steve feel, so, so good.

Now, Bucky would give anything to fall into Steve’s chest and wail his apologies and lamenting. He knew Steve would forgive him, or if it wasn’t forgiveness he’d find a way to excuse Bucky’s behavior. It wasn’t fair to Steve and it wasn’t fair to Peggy. Hell, Bucky was avoiding the elephant in the room when it came to Natasha and his attempted murder of her life but she seemed content to look past it and Bucky wasn’t feeling the desire to break down and cry to her when they had a job to do.

He looked through his crosshairs at Rumlow. He was holding a champagne glass and sipping on it with the most deplorable shit-eating smirk on his face. Bucky had never wanted to pull the trigger so badly but this was personal. This wasn’t a mission. This was Bucky’s redemption. He wanted to burn all the bridges HYDRA had ever created with him. He wanted to light a fire under their asses and watch them squirm as he took them out, one by one, leaning brutal messages behind that he was alive and he was coming for them. They wanted a ghost? Fine, they’d get a poltergeist, and he was hungry for blood.

“You doing okay there, Barnes?” Natasha asked.

“Just dandy,” Bucky responded distantly.

She scoffed.

Bucky tore his gaze from the viewfinder, looking at Natasha with a cocked brow. “Wanna say somethin’? Say it. Don’t just sit there judgin’ me silently.”

“Who says I’m judging?” she shot back casually. She crouched down next to him, looking through her binoculars. “He’s such an ass.”

Bucky snorted. “You’re telling me.”

She offered a sympathetic smile but her eyes remained cold and focused on the task at hand. “You and Rogers…”

Bucky smacked his face into his gloved hand. “Romanov…”

“No, listen to me,” she interjected. “He loves you. You love him. I get it. You’ve got something you need to do. But when this is all over, what’re you gonna do then? Just leave him behind?”

Bucky sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I killed his girlfriend. Brainwashed by HYDRA or not, I remember what was going through my mind. I wanted her out of the way because I remembered how Steve used to look at her during the war. I remember how he was gonna leave me for her and get married and have a family and I killed her because I was angry that she was still around. I knew there wasn’t any possibility of it anymore but there was some piece of me that just wanted to be absolutely sure, so I killed her. I. Killed. Her.”

Natasha’s gaze weighed heavily. He shrugged his shoulders, trying to ease the scowl she was giving but he still felt deeply uncomfortable.

“Does he know that?”

“I haven’t really talked to him since I got my memories back.”

“I’m not telling you how to live your life, but I’m just going to gently remind you that Steve Rogers doesn’t give up on the people he loves. He put his plane in the ice right after you died. Don’t tell me that wasn’t him trying to kill himself because he couldn’t stand to live without you. He’s been miserable since he’s been out of the ice. When he got you back…” She paused, letting out a puff of air with a smile. “I hadn’t seen him so happy. But then you weren’t exactly _you_ and he had to work on figuring out why you weren’t _you_ and then Peggy… and…” She sucked her lips in, shrugging. “You’ve put him on an emotional roller coaster and I’d be happy to hand you over to the CIA still but that would kill Steve and I’m not in the business of hurting the few friends I actually have.”

Bucky sighed, looking away from Natasha as he mulled over her words. “Do you hate me?”

“What?”

“Do you?”

Natasha sat back, looking over at the large arched windows where Rumlow was just inside. “No. But I don’t exactly trust you either. But I trust Steve and if Steve thinks you’re worth saving then I’m going to do everything I can to save you too.”

Bucky didn’t respond, he went back to focusing his crosshairs on Rumlow, watching his every move. As much as he hated to admit it, Natasha had a point. Bucky was throwing Steve’s heart against a blender and hitting shred. Steve wouldn’t give up. He’d never let himself heal and he’d certainly never forgive himself for losing Bucky again. Bucky had to go back. He had to face his remorse and guilt and simply confess to Steve everything that he felt. It wouldn’t fix things, but perhaps it’d be a start…

“He’s moving,” Natasha said urgently. “Shit, c’mon.”

Bucky stood up, grabbing his gun and following behind as Natasha swung her legs over the cement and onto the fire escape.

* * *

 

They’d followed Rumlow to his hotel. Silently and effortlessly, Bucky and Natasha located and “took out” all the guards they identified. He wasn’t sure if Natasha was in the business of killing HYDRA peons, but Bucky certainly didn’t care one way or another. They were all the same to him. He crept behind them, silently dragging his knives across their throats and catching them before they fell. Any gurgling they’d make, he’d cover their mouths and hold their noses to make their deaths faster. It was a kindness honestly. He had something much worse in store for Rumlow. He wanted to see that man’s insides and see if he was really as rotten on the inside as he was on the outside.

Once inside, they quickly headed for the stairs, heading up silently together, keeping their ears on alert for anything to tip them off they’d been discovered. They arrived on Rumlow’s floor, creeping out into the hallway and communicating silently with hand signals.

With their backs pressed to the wall, they both shared a determined glance before opening Rumlow’s door and entering the room.

Rumlow was in the process of stripping out of his dress clothes, his tie hanging around his neck and his blazer discarded over a chair. He turned around, eyes going wide in surprise as he reached for a gun and started shooting.

Natasha rolled into the bathroom, using her gun and aiming at his knees.

“Fuck!” he groaned out as he dropped to the floor. Bucky lunged at him, kicking the gun from his hand and wrapping his metal arm around the man’s neck.  

“So this is how it’s gonna be?” he choked out. “You enact your revenge on me? I’m not the one you need to be worried about, asset!”

Bucky snarled, squeezing with his metal arm just a bit more. “My name is James Buchanan Barnes, you shithead.”

Rumlow tensed for a moment before barking out a laugh. “You finally remember, huh?”

“Don’t talk to me,” Bucky responded distantly as he brought out a knife and threw Rumlow over to the bed. The man crashed against it, wailing in pain as his leg bled against the sheets. “You know, it’s really sad to say that out of all the people who I came in contact with in HYDRA, you were the nicest to me.”

Rumlow snorted, but as Bucky moved closer, he watched Rumlow’s muscles tensing as he tried to scramble backwards despite his useless leg.

Natasha simply leaned against the wall, her gun trained on Rumlow’s figure.

“Sure, you were an ass and treated me like a piece of property but you never actually went out of your way to be malicious to me.” Bucky laughed darkly, spreading his arms. “And yet I’m still really pissed at you for what you almost did to Steve.”

“It was your recommendation!” Rumlow shouted out. “You’re the one who wanted him for the program!”

“I was following Pierce’s orders!” Bucky shouted back. “I didn’t fuckin’ know any better!”

“You loved him,” Rumlow snarled. “You loved him and you still were willing to subject him to that. Who’s calling who the monster here?”

Bucky took a step back, his lips silently parting as realization clouded his stormy-blue eyes. He dropped his hand, letting the knife hang by his thigh.

“Barnes,” Natasha chirped urgently. “What’re you doing?”

Bucky furrowed his brow, breathing heavily through his nose as he stared Rumlow down. “You’re right,” he croaked. “I am a monster.”

He threw the knife. It lodged itself into the man’s Adam’s apple. Bucky turned away from the sounds of gurgling and desperate wheezing as he started to walk from the room. Suddenly, the idea of torturing a man to death didn’t seem like the best idea, not if Bucky was ever going to redeem himself for Steve. Killing Rumlow didn’t even make him feel any better. He was tainted and spoiled and a _monster_. How could he ever ask Steve to love him again after everything he’d done? That he was still doing?

“That wasn’t as dramatic as I was expecting,” Natasha quipped.

“I guess I started feeling remorse for the sack of shit,” Bucky responded bitterly. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Natasha asked pointedly, raising her brows.

“Back to Steve,” Bucky relinquished. “I’ve got a lot of explaining to do.”

* * *

 

They’d returned in the early morning with the sun barely peeking from behind the DC skyline. Bucky dropped his armor and jacket onto the foyer’s floor, rubbing at the bandage over his chest wound. At least he’d finally be able to let it heal properly. He stared up the steps, knowing the first door on the left was Steve’s room. He was probably curled up and dreaming about better days, about a life where Bucky wasn’t as tainted as he’d become in this life…

Natasha put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “Just talk to him.”

Bucky nodded silently. He moved to start climbing the steps, listening to them creak and groan beneath his booted feet. He opened the bedroom door, poking his head in to see Steve curled up with a pillow tucked beneath his chin. Bucky smiled, watching the man sleep, listening to his heavy, steady breathing.

He walked into the room, slipping out of his boots and moving over to the dresser. Steve was a light sleeper, and that was something Bucky was banking on. If he didn’t do this now, he’d never do this. He’d run away and hide himself from Steve and every day he’d lose more and more of his humanity without the blonde in his life. This all had to be said now or never.

He slipped out of his pants before shimming up a pair of sweats and slamming the dresser drawer a bit too loud. He watched as Steve’s eyes shot open.

“Bucky?” Steve blinked the sleep out of his eyes, rubbing at them as if to make sure Bucky was real.

“Yeah, Stevie,” Bucky responded. He went over to the chair, thinking back to when Steve had made love to him there. He pressed the pads of his fingers along the fabric, attempting to avoid Steve’s face at least for a moment longer.

“Did you find Rumlow?”

“I’m not here to talk about that,” Bucky resigned with a sigh. “I wanna talk about us.”

“Bucky I–”

“It’s okay, Steve,” Bucky reassured, holding out a hand to silence the other man. “I’ve got a lot to tell you.”

Steve sat back against the headboard, watching Bucky with pleading, shiny eyes.

Bucky ran his tongue over his teeth. “I hate myself. But it’s not just HYDRA. I was always jealous of Peggy–”

“Bucky you don’t–”

“But I do, Steve!” Bucky exclaimed, his eyes begging Steve to just shut up and listen. “I need to explain this to you. It’s killing me and I don’t know how much longer I can take it before I just stop being a person and start being exactly what HYDRA wanted.”

That seemed to keep Steve from talking, because the blonde simply swallowed loudly, nodding for Bucky to go on.

“I started getting my memories back the moment I saw you again. I didn’t really understand them, they were foggy and all muddled up. But I remember the feeling of jealousy when I got the smallest glimpse of Peggy. I got so upset, Steve. Before my fall, I knew you were gonna leave me for her. I knew we were gonna end and she was gonna be the girl you married and had kids with and I just couldn’t stand it. I know that if I said somethin’ we could’a probably worked it out but I was never gonna take that life away from you. I’d never force you to live a life you didn’t want when you could have the life you deserved.”

Steve’s lips were twitching. Bucky could see how badly he wanted to speak but Bucky couldn’t bring himself to let Steve get a word in. This all needed to come out. It was bursting at the seams and Bucky couldn’t stand it anymore!

“I killed Peggy, Steve. Not HYDRA, not some confused memoryless shell-of-a-man. That was me. And that’s why it’s so hard to sit here and pretend that I could be with you when that wouldn’t be fair to you or her.” Bucky bit his lip, feeing the sting of tears in his eyes. “I’m not good enough for you anymore.”

“Bucky…”

“I’m not done, Steve,” Bucky protested. “But I love you. And I don’t know how to move on from here but I want to. I don’t have a reason to live if it’s not to live for you.”

Steve’s breath hitched in the back of his throat. He pursed his lips, looking at a corner in the room.

Bucky waited patiently now. He’d said his piece. He should have died when he fell, but he didn’t. He survived and the circumstance was grisly and brutal but he’d survived it all. He’d lived to see Steve again and Bucky had never been the religious sort, not like Steve, but if there was a God, He was screaming at Bucky to stay with this stubborn kid because even against impossible odds and impossible circumstances, they were together again, sitting in a bedroom in Washington DC in an age where they should already be dead or close to it. And  yet, they had their youth and their strength. If that wasn’t fate, Bucky didn’t know what was.

“C’mere, Bucky,” Steve said softly. He pulled the covers down, scooting over and Bucky didn’t even think twice. He crashed into Steve’s arms, pushing his nose against the man’s good clavicle (though luckily their advanced metabolism just had them sore and irritated instead of leaving leaving them with gaping holes in their bodies at this point, but there was still a lingering discoloration to indicate Steve had been shot once.)

Steve’s arms were warm and big and Bucky had never pushed himself against someone else so hard and desperate before. Steve’s fingers slid up into his brown hair, twisting into it and pressing numerous kisses against his forehead.

“I don’t have a reason to live if it’s not to live for you,” Steve echoed through a whisper.

Bucky let out an elated whimper as he pushed his lips against Steve’s, feeling tears slip from his eyes as his tongue rolled along Steve’s bottom lip. He swung his legs around Steve’s body, rocking his hips desperately into the man beneath him. Steve’s fingers curled around Bucky’s hips, pulling him down against his hardening cock as he bucked his hips up into Bucky. Their mouths crashed in a desperate fervor, chins brushing against each other and lips twisting as they’d turn their heads to get the kiss just the tiniest bit deeper.

Bucky pulled back, sniffing pathetically and wiping tears from his eyes. “I can’t stop crying.”

Steve smiled, reaching up to cup Bucky’s face. “That’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay now, Buck.”

Bucky wanted to believe that. HYDRA was still out in the world, he’d still killed Peggy and there was the whole “he killed Tony Starks’ parents” that he was completely keeping his mouth shut about. But perhaps for now, everything was okay. Steve loved him. Bucky had his memories and his autonomy. He had his freedom again. He had Steve’s fingers running up his chest and pinching at his nipples. He had Steve’s lips sucking and nipping along the curve of his neck. Yes, things were okay…for now.

Bucky turned his head, letting Steve’s tongue lap at his neck in playful licks before sucking bruises into the skin. He kissed down Bucky’s collarbone and nibbled softly, avoiding the memory of the gunshot wound that stuck out of Bucky’s chest in a shock of white against otherwise olive toned skin. It still hurt, but it was nothing like it had been the day Rumlow shot him. Bucky had never been so thankful for the experiments Zola had performed on him.  Without them, he’d be in a bed, grumbling and moaning about a hole in his chest.

Steve flipped them over, pushing Bucky onto his back. He peppered kisses down Bucky’s chest, circling a nipple with two fingers, rolling it between them before giving it a soft pinch.

Bucky arched up into the feeling, letting his eyes flutter closed.

“You still good with this?” Steve breathed out, placing a soft kiss over his other nipple, letting his tongue jut out to lick at it quickly.

“Huh?” Bucky asked eloquently.

“I mean, you’ve got your memories back.”

Bucky’s mouth dropped open as understanding rounded his eyes. “Oh!” he exclaimed. “No, yeah. I like it this way.”

“I didn’t know if you’d be angry or not,” Steve confessed through a relieved smile. “Thought when you got your memories back, you’d think I was taking advantage of you or something.”

Bucky cupped Steve’s cheeks, staring at him intently. “You’ve never taken advantage of me a day in your life.”

Steve chuckled, pushing a quick kiss against Bucky’s lips before resuming his onslaught over Bucky’s torso. He kissed at the top of Bucky’s sternum, trailing down along the dip in his abs, tracing his tongue along the sensitive skin, pulling a giggle from Bucky and finally nipping playfully at Bucky’s hips.

Bucky was rolling his body up into Steve, his hands caressing through Steve’s blonde hairs atop his head. His heart was swelling in his chest, pushing more emotions than Bucky was willing to admit into the forefront of his mind. Tears still streamed from his eyes like silent creeks in a forest. Everything was okay now. Bucky was Bucky and Steve was Steve. No one’s memories were stolen or missing and HYDRA wasn’t at their heels (to Bucky’s knowledge). He could give himself this small piece of comfort.

Steve curled his fingers into Bucky’s sweats, slipping them and his briefs down to let Bucky’s cock bounce up against his lower torso. Steve wasted no time in placing a long streak up its length, flicking his tongue around the tip and dipping it into the slit.

“Ah! St-Steve,” Bucky gasped, pushing his head back into the pillows. He closed his eyes, reveling in the sensation of Steve’s hot mouth wrapping around his cock, bobbing up and down lightly as he stroked lazily at Bucky’s balls.

Bucky continued to caress his fingers through Steve’s hair, pushing the strands every-which-way. He rocked his hips up, pushing himself a bit further into Steve’s awaiting mouth. He felt Steve’s tongue lap against the underside of his cock, his lips glazing over his entire length as the man sucked loudly.

Bucky moaned softly, rolling his head along the pillow, biting at his lip when Steve’s tongue playfully lapped at his tip; small, innocent licks that sent waves of pleasure into the pit of Bucky’s stomach, spreading warmth from his dick and to the tips of his toes and fingers.

“St-Steve,” Bucky panted. “Steve please don’t fuck with me right now.”

Steve laughed, but he took Bucky back into his mouth, swirling his tongue around Bucky’s girth, looking up, seeking approval through those impossibly long lashes.

Bucky ran his thumb along Steve’s jaw, his other hand gently pushing at the back of Steve’s head to silently request Steve take more of him in.

Steve obliged, pulling Bucky down deep till Bucky’s tip was bumping the back of Steve’s throat. His legs tensed up as flashes of white darted across his vision when Steve’s throat muscles would flutter and constrict around his dick.

“Fuck…fuck…oh fuck, Stevie,” Bucky moaned. His chest rose and fell as he felt himself getting closer and closer.

Steve grabbed at the base of Bucky’s cock, stroking at it with the same rhythm his mouth was bobbing. He closed his mouth over the tip, circling his wet lips along its curves.

“Ah…ah…Steve!” Bucky gasped, shoving his head back against the pillow, arching his back. “Steve please!”

Steve pressed tiny kisses to Bucky’s tip, humming softly as he continued to stoke at the base. “Bucky,” he mumbled against the tip. “I wanna open you up.”

Bucky whined but he stretched out his legs, letting Steve hook his arms under Bucky’s legs to prop him up a bit.

Steve spit down against Bucky’s hole, using his thumb for a moment to swirl the saliva around.

“We have lube somewhere?” Bucky asked. “I mean, for later?”

Steve laughed but he nodded softly. “Yeah I’ve got some.”

“K good. That’s all,” Bucky said, feeling his cheeks and shoulders heat up as a blush crept into his skin.

Steve settled down, spreading Bucky’s ass cheeks and giving his hole a venturous lap.

Bucky clenched his fists into the bedsheets, gasping when Steve nibbled softly at his hole. His ass fluttered against his will as he pushed himself further against Steve’s face.

Steve slipped his tongue into Bucky’s hole, pressing the pink muscle against the walls of Bucky’s insides, coating him with saliva and warmth.

“Steve…Steve…Steve,” Bucky mewled, feeling his extremities quaking. He arched his back when Steve pushed his face further against his ass, hitting the bridge of his nose against the back of Bucky’s perineum.

Steve pulled at Bucky’s ass cheeks, spreading them wide as he forced his face deep into Bucky. He pushed his tongue against Bucky’s hole, circling it heavily with his tongue, humming so his lips could send soft vibrations against the entrance.

“God! God damn it! God damn it!” Bucky whined, arching his back and pushing back against Steve. “Steve more…Steve please baby I need more!”

Steve brought up a hand, gently rubbing the pads of his fingers along Bucky’s perineum as his tongue continued to swirl deliberately against Bucky’s fluttering hole. He pulled back, sucking loudly at the glistening opening before flicking his tongue out to run a forceful strip up against it before pushing inside and pumping it quickly, in and out.

“Oh God, oh God, oh God!” Bucky mewled frantically. His metal hand shot down against the bed, curling into the bedsheets as he resisted the urge to touch himself. He didn’t want to come yet. He wanted to come with Steve and not a second beforehand. “F-finger me, baby. I want you in me.”

Steve pulled back pressing soft kisses against Bucky’s hole as he slipped off the bed and spun around to the dresser.

Bucky watched as Steve slipped out of his shirt and sweats along his way back, carrying a bottle of lube.

“Hurry baby, _please_!” Bucky begged, wiggling his ass at Steve.

“Shhh,” Steve cooed softly. “I got you, baby.”

Bucky knew that. Out of everyone in the entire world he knew Steve would always be there for him, but it wasn’t about that right now. It was about finally being with Steve fully again, knowing who they both were and bringing each other the most pleasure they could offer. It was about sharing their lives and bodies, forming into one and letting go of their past transgressions. It wasn’t forgiveness, but it was acceptance. Bucky would accept his past in the hopes of a better future.

“Steve,” Bucky whined as Steve was kissing at his thighs, ignoring both hole and dick. “Stop fuckin’ around!”

Steve laughed, pulling back and popping the bottle of lube open. “You want me to finger you now?”

“I swear to God, Steve, I’ll fuckin’ kill you if you don’t start fingering me.”

Laughing louder, Steve squirted the lube against his fingers, rolling it around to coat them evenly.

“Start with two fingers. I’m not a fuckin’ virgin,” Bucky growled.

“So demanding,” Steve teased.

Bucky shot him a glare that of course Steve responded to with another laugh. But not long after, Steve was swirling two fingers against Bucky’s glistening hole and pushing up lightly.

“Ah!” Bucky gasped. “Yeah…yeah…” He threw his head back, gasping as Steve’s fingers slipped up in him, curling against the rim and popping out softly before he’d slip them back in. “Ah, oh God!”

“You like that?” Steve asked.

“Y-yeah,” Bucky gasped. “Open me, baby!”

Steve’s face was beet red. Bucky was pretty sure he wasn’t entirely okay with urgent, vulgar talk as Steve was always and ever would be quite the gentleman, but Bucky was desperate to atone for all his sins and most of his sins were against Steve and this wasn’t going to fix anything but it was a start.

Bucky pushed himself down against Steve’s fingers. He swirled his hips, biting his lip as Steve’s fingers spread inside him, scissoring him and grazing up against the muscles inside. “Ah, fuck, fuck…Steve!”

He fucked himself against Steve’s fingers, bouncing up and down lightly, touching his own nipple and pinching it softly till it hardened beneath his trembling fingers. “Feels…so good.”

Steve bent over, pressing kisses against any part of Bucky’s abdomen he could get at as Bucky continued to roll his ass against Steve’s flawless fingers. Bucky’s cock was leaking against his abs and Steve moved to lap at the shiny liquid, flicking his tongue over Bucky’s tip, pushing against the slit.

“Steve!” Bucky gasped, curling his fingers into the bedsheets. “Baby please…more…more!”

Steve slipped his fingers out, reaching for the lube again and squirting more against his fingers. He swirled three fingers against Bucky’s loosened hole, running the slicked up pads against the rim slowly.

Bucky let out a mewling vibrato, body still trembling in anticipation and pleasure. “Fuck me with those, baby!” he whined.

Steve rolled his eyes but he let his fingers slip up into Bucky. They curled into him, swirling around inside and spreading as much as they possibly could before thrusting back and forth in a slight angle that brushed against the tip of Bucky’s prostate.

Bucky rolled his head against the pillow, arching into Steve’s touch and panting unabashed. He swirled his hips, getting Steve’s fingers to caress against his walls, coating him with the lube. “Ah…ah…ah…” Bucky was quivering. His body was cold as a light sweat coated his skin and all he could focus on was the building pleasure in his loins and how hard his heart was beating against his sternum. He curled his toes in, mewling when Steve’s fingers would brush up against his prostate, ripping loud moans from the back of his throat.

“Fuck, Bucky,” Steve breathed out through a smile. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m antsy,” Bucky grumbled. “Give me your fuckin’ cock you shithead.”

Snorting, Steve pulled his fingers back, grabbing the lube but Bucky sat up, smacking his fingers. “What the fuck!”

“I wanna do it,” Bucky explained. He took the lube from Steve, squirting it onto his metal hand and rubbing it around.

“That’s gonna be cold,” Steve stated, trepidation on his tongue.

Bucky laughed. “Still, my metal hand grabbing your cock’s kinda hot?”

“Just don’t crush it?”

“I’m not a dumbass!” Bucky pouted.

Steve sat back, spreading his legs so Bucky could get at his dick freely. Bucky curled his metal fingers around the shaft, pumping softly, looking up into Steve’s face for any sign of distress. He let out out a hiss, closing an eye as the coolness of the hand penetrated into his nerves but after a few strokes, Steve’s mouth was going sack and he was pumping up softly into Bucky’s touch.

Bucky let his palm brush over the tip before flicking his wrist to slip his fingers back down the base. He pumped a few more times, careful to not catch Steve’s sensitive skin in the grooves of the metal. “You like my metal hand, baby?”

Steve nodded, teeth clenching and brow furrowing. “S’good,” he breathed out. He pulled Bucky’s face into his, crashing their lips together and slipping his tongue into Bucky’s mouth.

Bucky wrapped his metal fist around Steve’s cock, stroking quickly a few times before bringing the tips of his fingers against the underside of the tip, swirling against it.

“Ah! Shit!” Steve gasped out against Bucky’s lips. “You done yet?”

“Who’s the antsy one now?” Bucky teased.

Steve purred, pushing Bucky down against the bed. He pulled Bucky’s legs around his torso. Bucky felt shiver wrack his spine. His limbs shook from anxiousness and lingering sensations of Steve’s warm fingers inside him. Bucky swallowed hard, feeling the back of his throat run dry and sticky. They were really here together, through impossible odds and impossible circumstances. Memories their own and lives only belonging to each other.

Tears blurred Bucky’s vision as he felt Steve’s cockhead press against his loose hole. He gasped, pushing down to envelop Steve’s tip within him. “Steve! Oh God, oh God, baby!” he cried out. His heart was jackhammering against his sternum now, the tips of his fingers feeling like electricity was swiveling around them. After everything they’d been through, they’d finally reached this.

Their lives weren’t worth living if they weren’t with each other. It was far from perfect and Bucky had a lot of making up to do, but they’d finally reached this.

“Ah, Bucky!” Steve purred. “God, baby you’re so pretty.”

Bucky laughed, pushing his hips against Steve’s, feeling his dick glaze at Steve’s rippling muscles, smearing precome against him. “Steve,” Bucky whined. “Steve I…” His throat closed in on itself as he tried to utter the words. He felt foolish and suddenly embarrassed, as if confessing his love to Steve, something Steve already knew, would ruin this.

Steve’s lips found Bucky’s again as he pumped into Bucky’s hole slowly, with long, deliberate thrusts. He angled himself just right, pushing his hips a bit further so he’d rock into Bucky’s prostate.

“Steve…please…please baby…m-more…” Bucky cried out as hot tears slipped from his glossy eyes. “Fuck, Steve, fuck…”

“I’m with you, baby,” Steve reassured, pressing kisses against Bucky’s chin and down to his shoulders. “I’m right here.”

Bucky curled his arms around Steve’s shoulders, pushing his hips up to match Steve’s slow rhythm. He pressed his face into Steve’s shoulder, nibbling at the skin to suppress the sobs that wanted so badly to escape his lips. He felt vulnerable, entirely too embarrassed and weak. His limbs were trembling violently and his lips wouldn’t stop quivering.

Steve’s dick slipped out to the rim, resting there before softly, slowly, pushing back in, grazing against Bucky’s insides, building a soft warmth in Bucky’s loins.

“God, _damn_ it!” Bucky gasped before biting down into Steve’s shoulder.

Steve hissed, but he didn’t pull away. He continued his slow, calculated thrusts.

Bucky’s hole clenched and relaxed around Steve, pulling him in hungrily and holding him in place before Steve pulled himself away momentarily. Bucky brushed his nose against Steve’s, letting a smile actually play at his lips.

“I love you,” Steve whispered against Bucky’s mouth. He pulled his dick back, holding it against Bucky’s opening again, before letting his cockhead slip inside, only to pull it back out again.

The sensation was maddening and Bucky found himself whimpering like a child as he curled his desperate, trembling fingers into Steve’s blonde strands. He wanted to say it back. He wanted to say it back so badly but each time he’d open his mouth with the intention to say it, his throat clenched and he gurgled out a stifled moan.

Steve pressed tiny, soft kisses against Bucky’s shoulders, whispering, _“I love you, I love you, I love you,”_ over and over again until those little words were the only words Bucky knew.

Bucky pulled his hands down, slipping them against the curves of Steve’s jaw as he moved to place wet, loud kisses against those red, swollen lips. “I…I…” He felt a sob rip from the back of his throat. Embarrassed, he pushed his face back into the crook of Steve’s neck.

“It’s okay, Bucky,” Steve whispered, pressing a reassuring kiss against Bucky’s cheek. He slipped his cock back into Bucky fully, swirling his hips a few times inside Bucky, making Bucky cry out from the abuse against his prostate. “You’re so beautiful, Bucky.”

Bucky smiled shyly, feeling his throat relax. “I love you, Steve,” he finally muttered. “I love you so much.”

Steve rocked his hips, dipping purposefully so he’d graze Bucky’s red, pulsing cock with his body. “I’m glad.”

“You’re a shithead,” Bucky deflected, but he pushed up, greedily trying to get as much pleasure from Steve’s body against his dick as possible. “Touch me,” he whined.

Steve took Bucky’s dick in his hand, thumbing over the slit and smearing the thick deposit of precome around the tip. “You’re so wet baby,” Steve commented adoringly. “I make you feel that good?”

Bucky nodded, biting his lip as Steve thrust into him again, hitting his prostate. His eyes fluttered closed, a soft gasp passing his lips. “Yeah, Steve. I feel real good.”

Lazily, Steve stroked at Bucky’s dick, keeping with the rhythm of his long, pronounced thrusts.

Bucky swirled his hips, feeling Steve’s dick move inside him against the walls of his canal. He dropped his head back, breathing out soft gasps as he let Steve’s fingers play softly around his tip. “I wanna come, Steve.”

“You getting’ bored of me?” Steve asked, a flash of mischief in his eyes.

“Fuck no. I just wanna come,” Bucky responded. “It hurts.”

Steve moved a bit quicker, but each movement was gentle, barely bumping into Bucky’s hips and overly kind.

Bucky’s hole clenched around Steve’s cock, greedily trying to get as much pleasure as possible as Steve’s hand fucked around Bucky’s leaking dick. “Steve…Steve…Steve…please…please I wanna come.”

“I know baby,” Steve whispered, swirling his fingers around Bucky’s tip. “I’ll get you there, I promise.”

True to his words, Steve dipped his hips, pushing up into Bucky’s prostate, again and again as he thrust into Bucky’s asshole. Bucky rocked his hips up into Steve’s hand, uncaring that he was moving faster than Steve at this point. His legs clenched around Steve’s body, hooking his ankles as he mewled out long, agonized moans. “Steve…Steve…I…I…”

Heat welled up in the pit of Bucky’s stomach, coiling around his spine. He fucked himself into Steve’s fist faster, swirling his hips in exaggerated motions, pushing more of Steve inside him with each flick of the hip. He pressed his head back, moaning loudly as heat pushed out from his cock, spewing semen against Steve’s abs and chest. He pulled at Steve’s face, crashing their lips together as his ass clenched around Steve, fluttering frantically as his limbs continued to tremble through his orgasm. He didn’t want to scream out loudly about how good this felt. He wanted his lips enveloping Steve’s, sliding his tongue against his lover’s and experiencing everything that was Steve Rogers, from the way he slowly fucked into Bucky’s hole and the way his thumb swirled around his slit, smearing cum against it.

Steve’s breathing got louder as he continued the kiss, thrusting deeper and more anxiously into Bucky. He gasped into Bucky’s mouth, his arms starting to tremble as they supported most of his weight as he lay atop of Bucky still rocking his hips with those deliciously pronounced thrusts.

Bucky felt hot liquid rush into his ass, filling him with warmth and a deep, unexplainable sensation of satisfaction. He fervently kissed at Steve’s mouth, lapping his tongue against the other man’s, still rolling his hips up into Steve, letting him ride out his orgasm.

Steve rolled them over. His dick slipped completely up into Bucky, earning a wrecked moan from Bucky’s lips as Bucky grabbed at Steve’s chest and still continued to fuck himself against Steve’s cock.

“I…I forgot how much I like riding you,” Bucky gasped. He circled his hips, relishing the way Steve’s softening cock felt inside him, completely filling him up.

“Next time,” Steve responded. He grabbed at Bucky’s cock again, swirling two fingers against the slit.

“Ah…ah…st-stop!” Bucky pleaded as he fell forward, trying to brace himself against Steve’s chest but his limbs were shaking so hard. “Too much.”

Steve pulled his hand away, letting them curl into the dimples above Bucky’s ass. “We’re gonna be okay, Bucky.”

Bucky lay against Steve’s chest, feeling full and completely satisfied. Steve’s dick was still up inside him, but he had no intentions of pulling away any time soon. He rested his head against Steve’s shoulder, occasionally sneaking a wet kiss against the crook of his neck.

“It’s not gonna be like it used to be,” Bucky mumbled.

“I’m well aware of that,” Steve affirmed. He ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair, sighing softly. “I’m not asking for it to be the same.”

Bucky shifted, his back tensing as Steve’s dick pushed up a bit further into him. “There’ll be times where you’re just gonna have to let me go off on my own.”

“But you’ll always come back, right?” Steve asked. His fingers paused in their ministrations, waiting anxiously for Bucky to respond.

“I’ll always come back,” Bucky said. “But I’ve got a lot of people to wipe off the face of the planet.”

“Let me help you,” Steve exclaimed.

“No, Steve,” Bucky sighed, sitting up. He traced the curves of Steve’s chest. “Just like the war, I’m not lettin’ you do the dirty work. You’re pure. I’m not.”

“Like fuck I’m pure!” Steve spat. “I’ve killed people, Buck. I’ve let people die. I’m just as innocent as you are!”

“I can’t let you, Steve!” Bucky protested. “So please, just accept this. This is my choice. This I have to do on my own. And I’ll always come back to you. I swear.”

Steve glared up at Bucky for a long pause, clenching and unclenching his jaw. After a heavy sigh, he finally said, “Fine. But remember, HYDRA’s my fight too.”

“I know, baby,” Bucky responded. “I’m only after certain targets. I don’t even know if half of them are still alive.”

“Who’re you going after?” Steve asked, running his fingers up and down Bucky’s arms.

“The people who made me,” Bucky responded darkly. “Natasha was able to get a file from Kiev. Has a lot of names that I want to see on gravestones.”

Bucky felt lighter. This life, it wasn’t perfect. He’d remember what HYDRA did to him for the rest of his existence, he’d remember what he did to Peggy till he drew his last breath, but this was his life now. It was pointless to fight it and it was stupid to try to run from it. And Steve was so adamant about making this work. Bucky needed Steve. Through all the rage and bitter, vile anger that coursed through Bucky’s veins, he needed an anchor to bring him back from the edges of insanity. He needed Steve. Despite the pain that he’d caused, Steve was willing to compromise for Bucky.

Bucky knew their conversation about Peggy wasn’t the last one they’d ever have. He knew that there’d be days where Steve would be unusually somber or moments he’d slip and let Bucky know just how torn up he was about how Peggy was killed; why she was killed. Those were just moments Bucky would have to endure. This was his life now, these were his memories and forever they would be.

Life wasn’t worth living if he wasn’t living it with Steve.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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